Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

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The Romantic Post

September 7, 2006 / / 51 Comments

This morning, I had a pleasant surprise.  Sophia sends me a photo of herself at work, taken with her cellphone.  I called her a half hour later, telling her I have a surprise for her in return.

Neil:  “Sofotchka, cute photo!  I made a post out of it for the blog.  Check it out.   It’s in draft.”

Sophia goes into my “manage” area of WordPress to look at the post.  It looks something like this:

Thursday Morning, 8AM,  Los Angeles —

neil2.jpg

 

Thursday Morning, 8AM, New York —

sophia2.jpg

Sophia:  “Uh, I don’t get it.”

Neil:  “It’s supposed to be romantic.  It’s like we’re 3000 miles apart, but I’m still dreaming about you in bed.”

Sophia:  “Huh?  You’re really losing it.  No one is going to get that.”

Neil:  “No?’

Sophia:  “What it actually looks more like is, “Look here.  Sophia is awake and is already hard at work as a Russian Dialect Coach early in the morning while I’m still in bed lying around.””

Neil:  “Why would I write a post like that?”

Sophia:  “I have no idea.   That’s why I was confused.”

Neil:  “It’s supposed to be romantic.”

Sophia:  “Well, thank you.  But how old is that photo of you?  It doesn’t even look like you.”

Neil:  “A few years.”

Sophia:  “A few years?  At least five or six.  You don’t have one white hair on your head.  Are you trying to fool your readers?”

Neil:  “No, I just needed a photo of me sleeping.  I’m supposed to be dreaming about you, remember?!”

Sophia:  “I remember this photo.  This is like SEVEN years ago.  I took it while you were sleeping… of your tush.  You’re obsessed with this naked thing!  What is this — a porno blog now?”

Neil:  “It’s supposed to be romantic!”

Sophia:  “Email me this photo.  I forgot all about it.”

Neil:  “No.”

Sophia:  “Now you’re shy?”

Neil:  “I don’t feel romantic anymore.”

Sophia:  “Aw, come on.   You flirt with every girl on the blogosphere, but won’t send your own (separated) wife a  photo of your tush.”

Neil:  “OK, here…”

I email the photo to Sophia.  She starts laughing.

Neil:  “What’s so funny?”

Sophia:  “Forget about your gray hairs.  Your ass doesn’t look like that anymore, either!”

 

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Neilochka vs. Nicole

Sophia’s Favorite New Technology

September 6, 2006 / / 35 Comments

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I haven’t written too much about it, but I’m pretty nervous about what happens when Sophia returns. Living apart, we were able to live in limbo land. Now that I’m here at her place, it is closer to “make it or break it” time.

Sometimes I wonder if we had kids, whether it would all be easier. We would have some external force keeping us together besides just “love.” Or even if we had some beloved pet that we dote on. The closest we have to a “third party” that we share in is watching “All My Children.”

I’ve written about “All My Children” in the past — about how Sophia turned me onto it. One of our special rituals at home is to take off our clothes, jump into bed together — and watch that day’s AMC on the Tivo.  Of course, as in most things, Sophia controls the remote control.  (editor’s note:  This does not mean sex — we started watching AMC in bed, so it became a tradition.  And the taking off of the clothes is mostly for practical reasons.  Who gets into bed in their dirty clothes?)

Even when we separated, we still spoke every day about the latest dumb plot twist, or just how bad Susan Lucci is as an actress.

While I’m stuck woman-less here in LA, Sophia has a bigger dilemma — how does she keep up with AMC? Her TV has bad reception and she has no access to a VCR.

At first, I tried to describe each episode over the phone, even doing dramatic reenactments of Tad and Dixie.

Tad: Tell me, Dixie, do you kill Doctor Madden?

Dixie: How can you ask me that, Tad? Don’t all the years we were married mean anything to you?

Tad: What about your affair with David Hayward?

Dixie: You drove me into his arms. If only you would have trusted me.

Tad: Blah blah blah (as we see David Hayward standing in the doorway, listening in as every soap opera character always does)

Obviously, my reenactment just wasn’t good enough for Sophia, especially with my New Yawk accent. So, I tried something new to please my demanding wife, much as I used to do in the bedroom a long long time ago. This time, I transferred each episode to my computer then uploaded them to Sophia via the internet. It was a OK idea, but the daily four hour process was not very efficient, and wrecked havoc on my blog reading.

Luckily, modern technology came to the rescue!

Sophia convinced me to get a Hava ($249 online). As they say on their website:

“HAVA is the New Wireless solution for high quality home viewing, multicasting and remote viewing. Watch your TV on a PC anywhere in your house up to 300 feet from your HAVA Box or transmit and watch video anywhere in the world via the internet.”

Basically, you take this small box and plug it it into your TV or Tivo. It then wirelessly sends your TV signal to the internet. The only other thing I had to buy was a faster “G” routers for forty dollars, because my older “B” router couldn’t handle the streaming.

Once it was set-up, Sophia could watch her TV at Redondo Beach on her laptop in Manhattan. All she needed was a password to get access. Even better, she has a virtual “remote control” to do everything she can do here — pause, delete, record, etc.  I can actually sit in Redondo Beach and watch her change the channels from NY!

Sophia must have been so excited playing with the TV because this morning I suddenly saw it jumping by itself from channel to channel, I saw every button on Tivo pressed.  For a second, I forgot about the Hava and thought that a ghost had taken over!

Pretty cool. Does this mean we’re all soon going to be watching “American Idol” in our local Starbucks? Or watching that Yankees game on our TV in Brookyn while in Paris?

After I returned home last night, I called Sophia and was happy to hear that she hadn’t watched “All My Children” yet.  Sophia put on her Hava, then we both took off our clothes, got into our respective beds in different cities, and watched yesterday’s “All My Children” at the exact same time. It was just like being together. Sophia even controlled the remote control.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Dr. Phil’s Son Engaged to Playboy Triplet

Let’s Stop Ladies’ Night!

September 5, 2006 / / 32 Comments

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Being passive-aggressive, I don’t get into too many fights. I’m more apt to make sarcastic comments created to irritate the other person.

If a Republican is against affirmative action, I might ask his opinion of George Bush getting into Yale because of his father’s connections.

If an ultra-liberal is spouting off about the American education system, I might inquire why he sends his children to some fancy private school rather than supporting public education.

Artsy types love talking about the latest exhibit at the museum, but rarely about the robber barons that built the museum or the ethnic artifacts stolen from the culture of third world countries.

Last night I met some Angelenos in a hip restaurant. One of them was a pretty, intelligent film editor. We had a nice conversation. After talking about women in Hollywood, she switched subjects. She wanted to remind her friends to meet in some Burbank bar tomorrow, since it was Ladies Night, which meant free drinks! Of course, rather than keeping my mouth shut and possibly getting to see this woman naked, I HAD to bring up the inconsistency of a politically-minded person going to a “ladies night.”

“Isn’t it wrong to participate in some ritual that is clearly condescending to women, as if women cannot afford to pay for their own drinks?”

Later on, I went home alone.   After watching “All My Children,” I spoke to Sophia on the phone. Thankfully, she already knows I’m a nudge.

nudge (for goyim) [From Yiddish nudyen, to pester, bore, from Polish nudzi.]

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Citizen of the Month World Tour

Panties Gag Found Dead in Los Angeles!

September 5, 2006 / / 35 Comments

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Attention:  If you are a first time visitor or are coming to this site because you heard “good things” about Citizen of the Month, please ignore this post and read the previous one.  This post is what we call in the blogging biz as “filler” for when we’d rather be doing something other than blogging, but feel obligated to put something up, just to keep the readership amused, so that the masses will be more accepting when I start selling “discount ink-jet cartridges”on the right margin of the blog.  But feel free to skip this post completely because it is so “in-groupie” — as Sophia called it — that it’s worse than Gawker’s policy of making you apply to comment.

Dateline, Los Angeles.

Neil’s Panties Gag (8/06 – 9/06) was found dead today, hanging in an abandoned warehouse in downtown Los Angeles. Foul play is suspected, but LAPD Commanding Officer Beverly Melrose has told the Associated Press that “The investigation is ongoing. There are currently no suspects.”

The blogosphere is abuzz with sad memories of the once vibrant gag.

Blogger Elle spoke fondly of the gag, “I loved that Women’s Underwear Gag. Even though Neil only wore the panties once, he was able to stretch the joke out for three whole weeks!”

Sarcomical, one of the participants in Blogger Appreciation Day, agreed. “I thought that gag was going to just be a one shot deal. But Neil kept on using it over and over again. I think there was even more humor in it. I guess we’re never going to find out now.”

The Viscountess of Funk found it hard to hold back her tears: “That Woman’s Panties Gag… it died so young!”

Not everyone on the blogosphere was a fan of the gag.

“Frankly, good riddance to that stupid gag,” said Neil’s Penis. “This blog is supposed to be all about “Neil and his talking Penis,” not about “Neil wearing women’s panties.”

When asked if he had any stories about his former co-worker, Neil’s Penis just shook his head and laughed.

“A hack. A one hit wonder. Gags about men wearing women’s panties get old real fast. But a talking penis can last a lifetime. Frankly, I’m glad that loser is out of the picture!” he said as he cleaned out some extra rope and duct tape from the trunk of Sophia’s Prius.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Neilochka the Cool (last year I was so much cooler!)

Been There, Done That

September 4, 2006 / / 48 Comments

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I recently went with Danny and his wife, Kendall, to a Academy screening of Bob Fosse’s “Cabaret.”  It is a great film and would have won the Oscar in the 1972 if a little film titled “The Godfather” didn’t win instead.

My favorite scene takes place in a German beer garden.  An Aryan boy in his Hitler Youth outfit stands up and sings “Tomorrow Belongs to Me,” a beautiful nationalistic song about the Fatherland. One by one, all of the customers get up and chant along, mesmerized by the boy’s voice and the Nazi vision.  The only one who remains sitting is an old man.  He is shaking his head.  He’s old enough to have seen this shit before.  He knows better. 

Do people really get wiser with age?  Who knows.  I have some really dumb older relatives.  But I think you do gain experience as you age.  I’m surprised that our culture doesn’t draw more on the experience of those who have “been there, done that.”  We might think that an older person — someone over 65 — is “out of it” because they don’t use a Tivo.  But the last generation has adapted to changes in society and technology that are more dramatic than anything we have seen.   We’ve watched a 56k modem evolve into an iPod.  But they’ve seen a 56′ Ford become a space shuttle.  And isn’t the latest rock star really a different packaging of the last rock star who was a different packaging of Elvis, who was a different packaging of Frank Sinatra?

Lately, I’ve been feeling “older.”  When I say that, I don’t necessarily mean in body or spirit, but more in my interests in life.  When I started this blog, I was going to write about “pop culture.”  I still love movies, TV, and music, but recently, less so.  Lindsay Lohan – should I really care about her life?   After all, I’m not a 15 year old girl.   I’m not even a gay editor of a gossip blog that caters to 15 year old girls.   I skipped the Emmys this year.  And the MTV Video Music Awards.  And you certainly didn’t see me waiting in line for the first night’s showing of “Snakes on a Plane.” 

I know for many of you, admitting this lack of interest of popular culture is the greatest sin possible.  I know how essential it is to be on top of everything.   To be a hipster.  To be in the know.   To be seen at the right places.  To know the cool bands.   I’ve been there.   And now Neilochka is saying he doesn’t even care about “Snakes on a Plane” — a movie with Samuel L. Jackson of all people!  How DORKY is this guy?  Does all he do is IM single women and read blogs?

Which brings me to my next topic of conversation — the website Gawker, the hip New York media blog.

If I don’t stand in line for the opening of a movie, or a nightclub, I’m certainly not going to stand in line to write a comment on a website.  Did you see the rigmarole you have to go through to comment there?  My friend told me about an interesting article today on Gawker.  But when I went to comment, I saw this:

If you’d like an invitation to become a Gawker commenter, you can apply by leaving a comment. Try to make your first one particularly witty. The comment will only appear once (or if) you’re put on the list.

1. Who can leave comments on Gawker?

Anyone who has been invited, either by us or by a friend. The invite system works like Gmail’s invite system. We’ve invited a bunch of our favorite media mavens, bloggers, and frequent tipsters to comment, then given them invitations to share with their friends and colleagues. That way, the burden of inclusion, and exclusion, is shared.

2. Why are comments by invitation only?

Most online communities, like hip bars, are quickly overrun. Not that we’ll be any exception. But we’re going to try to put off that moment for as long as possible.

3. How can I become a commenter?

A) Find a friend with an invitation to share. Many of the people who we’ve invited to comment have also received invitations to share with friends. We’ll continue to seed selected inboxes with invitations to share so the supply doesn’t die out.

B) Tip us. We’ve invited some of our most frequent tipsters to comment, as a thanks for all the help they’ve given us. If you’re looking to comment, raise your chances by sending useful tips to us.

C) Convince us. If you’re lurking inside a major media company, with dirt to dish, we might be interested in having you as a commenter. For instance, we’ll send an invite to anyone with a condenast.com or nytimes.com email address who asks for one.

D) Blog. If you’re a blogger, you’ve got a stake in what you’re saying. Many Gawker comments invitations have gone out to fellow bloggers whose work we admire.

Jesus.  It’s like I have to learn to juggle just to write some dumb comment.  I’m surprised that they didn’t want me to bring them the head of Medusa.

Now in the past, this type of thing would make me upset.  I would be desperate to be included with the cool folk or bitter that I was such a loser.  I would feel insecure that I am not good enough (which is the point) and probably one of the reasons thousands of need-to-be-connected bloggers link to this commercial site.  

But, instead, I just shrugged.  I was too lazy to write a witty comment.   I had a good comment, but I wasn’t sure how witty it really was.  Besides, from my own experiences in real life — the people at these type of parties are never too exciting.  So, that’s it.  No huffing and puffing.  If Gawker wants my comment, they know where to find me.  I can always get my gossip at Entertainment Tonight.

I had a similar “shrug it off” experience at Saturday’s Los Angeles Blogger’s Garage Sale.  I stopped by and it was great seeing Carly and Communicatrix.  And the rumor was true.  Half of the participants were drag queens.  As I was leaving, I encountered two guys who were friends of friends.  One guy had on heels and the other was carrying colored wigs. I made some passing comment about the cool wigs, but they ignored me and started acting very “draq queenish.”   I figured they were trying to shock me.  I was wearing khaki pants and a button down Oxford shirt, despite the 100 degree weather (I need to do a laundry again!), so I must have looked like John Cheever walking into the wrong suburban cocktail party.  These guys perceived me as the white-bread Redondo Beach guy and they were going to do a little extra prancing to shock me and make me feel as uncomfortable as they would be in a redneck bar.   

Now, in the past, this might have bothered me.  What if these with-it guys actually thought I am a  — my god — a Republican — in this preppy Ivy League dress shirt?  I would have desperately felt the urge to tell these guys that I am as “hip” as they are.  That I’m OK with their outlandish lifestyle.  That it isn’t shocking to me to see men wearing women’s clothes.  In fact, I would have told them to run home and do a search on Google for the #1 link to “Husbands who wear women’s panties” — Yes, I’ve seen it all, done it all. 

But, it wasn’t worth my time.  I didn’t need to prove to them that I am a hipster or trendy — or anything.  I really didn’t care what they thought.  And that was a good feeling. 

And that made me feel “older.”  Or maybe, more “mature” is a better way of saying that.

Before I headed off, one of the drag queens dropped a wig, and bent down to pick it up.  I caught a glimpse of the back of his underwear.  They were Fruit of the Loom tighty-whiteys.

“Faker,” I mumbled to myself, as I headed down Melrose Blvd.

 

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:   When I Grow Up to Be a Man

 

While Sophia Was Away

September 1, 2006 / / 48 Comments

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from Lane Bryant online site

If there’s one question everyone seems to ask me via email lately it’s, “Neilochka, you’re known throughout the blogosphere as a man of strong desires. How in the world are you managing without a woman around?”

The truth is, it’s been extremely difficult. Sure, I’ve flirted with one or two female bloggers in their blog comments, but its all been high school stuff. You know — “Oh, you look so hot in that photo with your kids and your pet hamster!”

Last night, I decided it was time to take things up a notch. I decided to IM with the unattached “BlogGirl X,” hoping for some online action. I wasn’t entirely sure how to initiation the “good times,” but I figured I’d play it by ear.

“Hi there!” I IMed her on Yahoo! Messenger, adding an emoticon that winked. I figured I’d let the emoticons be my “wing-men” in helping me achieve my goal.

“Hey, Neilochka” she replied, “What’s up?!”

“Hee hee,” I thought.

I started my dance of seduction. We spoke about blogging. About her job. About her recent fight with her mother over some sort of vacation plans to Florida. About her recent eye infection from swimming in a neighbor’s pool.

I began scratching my head, wondering if I was approaching this incorrectly. If I wanted to talk about this boring crap, I could have just called up Sophia. Where was the hot action?”

Now I know what you are thinking. What ABOUT Sophia? Isn’t Neil still “married?” Isn’t it a little sleazy of him to be hitting on women online while still being a married man?

I understand where you are coming from. I’ve seen these type of assholes on TV shows like “Grey’s Anatomy.” They may be sexy as hell, but they are basically love-em-and-leave-em jerks, jumping from one extra-marital conquest to the next.

But that is not me. I have two excellent excuses for flirting with “BlogGirl X” last night.

Excuse #1 —

I tried to flirt with Sophia FIRST. Granted there is a three hour time difference between LA and NY — and it was 2AM in New York. But if someone woke me up in the middle of the night wanting some sex talk, I would be overjoyed! And also – once we started talking, the conversation quickly went off-course, Sophia seemed more interested in discussing “what checks came in the mail” than watching me on my new “webcam.”

Excuse # 2 —

Before Sophia left for New York, I explicitly asked her if it was OK for me to “fool around” with other women while she was gone. She answered, “Only if you actually learn something.”

So, I take that as a “yes.”

So, back to BlogGirl X. We are online for fifteen minutes and it is time to get explicit.

Neil:  “So, where are you now?”

BlogGirl X:  “In bed.”

Good. Good.

Neil:  “So, what are you wearing?”

BlogGirl X:  “A bra and matching panties.”

Bing!

Neil:  “Oh, really? What color?”

BlogGirl X:  “Burgundy”

Neil:  “Huh. It’s hard to visualize. Do you have any photos?”

BlogGirl X:  “Hold on…”

Holy shit! It’s actually working! She’s playing along!

BlogGirl X:  “… I bought the bra and panties online. Let me show you the URL…”

She sends me to LaneBryant.com.

This is not exactly what I hoped for.

But still, it is a photo of a curvy woman in a bra and panties. Good enough for me right now.

Neil:  “Nice. That wouldn’t be YOU in the photo, would it?”

BlogGirl X:  “No, silly. I’m not a model. I’m an advertising account executive.”

Sigh.

Neil:  “But you do look something like her, right?… I’m assuming…”

BlogGirl X:  “Sort of. Except I’m a 38D.”

Neil:  “Yes. Hey, that’s what Sophia is, too!”

BlogGirl X:  “Oh, really?

Neil:  “Yes!”

BlogGirl X:  “Cool.  She should buy this bra. It’s the most comfortable one I’ve ever worn. At Lane Bryant.”

Neil:  “I’ve been to Lane Bryant with Sophia. She doesn’t like their clothes.”

BlogGirl X:  “Neither do I. But they have the best bras for buxom women. Just tell her to take the padding out. We certainly don’t need it.”

Neil:  “Right…right…”

I bit my tongue. Something is going wrong here. Too much talk about Sophia. Stay focused, the eye on the prize…

Neil:  “Oh yeah, so, I guess you wouldn’t need the padding… since you are a 38D…”

BlogGirl X:  “Yeah. I also find the padding irritates my nipples. I have very sensitive nipples.”

Neil:  “You do…?”

BlogGirl X:  “Oh, my nipples always give me a problem. Even during sex. It’s like — don’t touch me there right now!”

Neil:  “Huh. So, like, uh, when you’re having sex, I would think most women like, uh…

BlogGirl X:  “Oh, they’re just very sensitive when I’m very sexually aroused. Otherwise, I love when a man plays with my nipples… Oh, check out this bra on the site! I love this one, too. I just bought it and it looks so good with my new black dress.”

She sends me another URL from Lane Bryant, showing another woman in a bra, but I’m feeling a little too dizzy to look at it.

BlogGirl X:  “I could be like a saleswoman for these bras I love them so much. You have to tell Sophia about them.”

Neil:  “Uh…I will.”

BlogGirl X:  “You promise? Because men always forget these things.”

Neil:  “No, I will…so, let’s get back… you were saying, when you get very aroused, your…”

BlogGirl X:  “You want me to send her off an email with the link to Lane Bryant…”

Neil:  “No…no… I’ll do it…”

BlogGirl X:  “Great. Let me go now. I think I’ll undress, take a shower, then relax with my vibrator. I need an orgasm! I had such a long day at work today!”

Neil:  “Uh…OK…”

BlogGirl X:  “Bye, Neilochka. Can’t wait to read your next post! You’re always so funny!”

Neil:  “Bye.”

She ended the conversation with an emoticon that winked.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Questions on my Mind

The Mommyblogger Strikes Back

September 1, 2006 / / 23 Comments

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My mommyblogger parody was pretty funny a few days ago, wasn’t it? Sure put those mommybloggers in their place! I’m one funny guy.

OK, maybe not as funny as Dave at Blogography. He is terrific. And his illustrations are amazing. If you haven’t been to his blog, you need to check it out. I’m even wearing one of his cool t-shirts. So, I’m not surprised that his blog was ranked as the #1 humor blog by BlogLaughs, one of the best websites that reviews humor sites.

Hey, I’m in for a good laugh today. Since I already read Dave, let’s see who is at #2?

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Hmmm. Some blog named Dooce. Dooce?! What?! The #2 funniest site on the blogosphere is the mommyblogger Dooce?!

Jesus Christ! Is there anything this woman can’t do? I thought I was joking about her running the internet! How much money IS she getting through advertising?

If she wins the Presidential Medal of Honor this year, I’m quitting blogging.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Creativity in Business

Only in LA

September 1, 2006 / / 12 Comments

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Carly has reminded me to stop by the LA Blogger Garage Sale tomorrow.   And since half of the participants seem to be drag queens, you never know what type of cool underwear will be sold there! 

Yes, Mom, blogging HAS opened up my world to all new types of people!

Battle of the Races

August 31, 2006 / / 42 Comments

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For the first portion of the 13th edition of “Survivor,” which premieres Sept. 14, the contestants competing for the $1-million prize while stranded on the Cook Islands in the South Pacific will be divided into four teams — blacks, Asians, Latinos and whites.

It was announced today that General Motors has ended its sponsorship of CBS’s hit series “Survivor.” Some are wondering if this has anything to do with Survivor’s decision this year to divide the contestants by race and ethnicity, rather than the usual cheap gimmicks of gender and age.

Honestly, do these divisions even matter to the show, considering how the producers always seem to “keep around” the young girls in the bikinis for as long as possible, while kicking the old, demographically-wrong broads off as fast as the next promo break?

GM says the new gimmick has nothing to do with their decision to leave the show. Others continue speaking out about the show’s lack of good taste. For instance, a group of New York City officials has criticized the new format, saying it promotes divisiveness. They have asked CBS to reconsider its plans.

“How could anybody be so desperate for ratings?” City Councilman John Liu asked last week.

Show creator Mark Burnett pooh-poohs the criticism.

“By putting people in tribes, they clearly have to get rid of people of their own ethnicity,” Burnett, who also created NBC hit “The Apprentice”, told a group of reporters on Tuesday, Variety reports. “So it’s not racial at all.”

The big question is — will this be a fascinating sociological study or does this mean that Survivor, after 12 seasons on the air, has finally “jumped the shark.”

But excitement for the show runs big on the Vegas strip, as the professional gambling community debates the odds of which ethnic group will win.

“I put my money on the Asians” said Murray “The Greek” Solipikis. “They are smart and wise, like Mr. Miyagi.”

The following are the current odds, according to Las Vegas Reality Show Oddsmaker (LVRSO). (as always, remember to gamble responsibly!

African-Americans

Pros

  • Good in athletics
  • Have “street smarts”
  • Can use “rapping” as a secret code between tribe members
  • Tribal Camp will have the best music
  • Can bring out “race card” if too many tribal members are eliminated

Cons

  • Men cannot swim
  • Wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a “Survivor bandana”
  • Can’t understand why “crazy white folk” ENJOY camping outside
  • “Eat bugs — are you out of your motherf***ing mind?!”

THE ODDS 20-1

Asians

Pros

  • Others will be afraid that they might know “martial arts”
  • Math geeks will be good at solving “puzzle challenge”
  • Can make anything taste good by stir-frying it in a wok
  • Have actually eaten bugs as a delicacy
  • Japanese women thin enough to slide under obstacle courses
  • Asian cultural “group dynamics”

Cons

  • Too polite, let others go first
  • Mediocre at sports
  • Can build a microprocessor, but cannot set up a tent
  • Infighting between Japanese and Koreans
  • Sleepless nights as Japanese men rub against women while reading “Manga” pornographic comic books

THE ODDS 30-1

Latinos

Pros

  • Espanol has the best curses!
  • Women have nice big asses so fat deposits will help them survive longer
  • Men learned effective team management in Latin gangs such as 18th Street, MS13, and Pacatrece
  • When food gets low, have no problem sneaking into other camps as “illegal immigrant” tribesmembers
  • Women can distract men of other tribes by shaking “Shakira-style” during competitions

Cons

  • Have never actually watched this dumb show — Jeff who?
  • Churros not included in “food competition”
  • It is difficult to dance salsa in the dirt
  • No siestas allowed during the game
  • Can actually make MORE than a million dollars by selling vegetables on the freeway

THE ODDS 3-1

Caucasians

Pros

  • Stupid enough to enjoy camping and “proving” oneself by eating live bugs
  • The network wants them to win
  • Were the only competitors invited over to Jeff Probst’s home for dinner
  • Have actually watched all previous 12 seasons of Survivor because that is what “white people” do on Thursday night

Cons

  • Zero street smarts
  • Boring as hell
  • Women anorexic before the game even begins
  • They take the game WAY too seriously

THE ODDS 12-1

Which group are you rooting for?

(note:  thank you, Laurie, the phattest Southern belle knitting blogger in LA, for telling me that I was totally off-base with previously using the Crips and Bloods as Latino gangs. I am SO WHITE!)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Dude Thinks Like a Lady

Mommy Bloggest

August 30, 2006 / / 91 Comments

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Sophia is always bugging me about putting advertising on my blog.  She is under the impression that because “Citizen of the Month” is the third most read blog in Redondo Beach we could make a living off of you suckers, or “monetize” the blog, as they say at conferences like BlogHer.

“Look at this blog,” Sophia says, pointing at some popular blog on my blogroll.  “She puts a cute little button on the side that says, “Click here!  I need to eat!.”  And guess what – she’s really using the blog to pay for her husband’s new BMW.”

I have no problem with people making money off of their blogs.   But I ain’t stupid.  I know my place in the blogosphere.   I don’t have the right demographic to get myself that BMW.  In fact, this is a typical offer — something I got in my email today:

Hi,

Our impressions of citizenofthemonth.com are very good, that’s why we would like to offer you the opportunity of becoming a link partner with us. The process is extremely simple and incredibly beneficial to the both of us. What we would be interested in doing is in offering you a link to Horny Matches dot com….

Horny Matches dot com!  That’s my demographic.

Jeez, how horny do you have to be to use Horny Matches dot com?  Aren’t the people on Match.com horny enough for you? 

What’s the next step  — IfIdon’tgetlaidIwillcommitsuicide.com?

These are the type of advertisers interested in Citizen of the Month.  The sad part is that their research is correct.  After meeting a few of you in person, you ARE the types who would click through the ads to Horny Matches dot com.

But that’s not enough advertising dollars for me and my high-living lifestyle.  If I’m going for the money, I want to be a big gun, a big macher — a blogger who gets all the attention.  Which means one thing.   From this day forward, I am a Mommyblogger.   “Citizen of the Month” will now be called “Mommy of the Month.”

Let me introduce you to the “cast of characters.” 

That photo on top is my son, Justin, when he was younger.  He’s now eleven years old.  

My husband is Josh.   He’s a stockbroker with a medium-sized firm in Redondo Beach. 

And my name is… Trish.  

I love blogging, Jane Austen, “The Office,” and scrapbooking.  I’m pretty, but not that much of a beauty to make other female bloggers jealous of me.  The biggest inspiration in my life, besides my great aunt Tilly, who was born without ears but still managed to become the conductor of the Tulsa Symphony Orchestra, is Dooce.

Some criticize us Mommybloggers.  

“How much can be said about being a mother?  It’s not like it’s a new experience.  My mother raised me OK — and she didn’t even have a blog.”

I disagree.  Every mother is different.  I can honestly say I would not be here today if it weren’t for my mother. 

Welcome to my first Mommyblogger post:

Mommy of the Month

by Trish Lansky-Kramer

“Welcome World!”

Today I went to Kohl’s to buy school clothes for Justin. I can’t believe how many fashion choices children have today!  Were there so many choices when we were kids?  I don’t think so! 

(And thank you Alice for car-pooling!  You all should read Alice’s blog, Mommy Unleashed.  She is so funny when she talks about her “little rugrats!”)

While at Kohl’s all Justin could talk about was buying these “must have” Nikes.  I told him they were too expensive.   He started throwing a tantrum.   All I think was, “When is school going to start already??!!!”  Am I a bad mother to think that way?  Send me a private email and tell me the truth!

Later that evening, Josh had a little “man to man” talk with Justin about the Nikes.  Josh  explained that  we needed to save money for our trip to see Nana and to go to Disneyworld.  I’m so glad I married Josh.  He is such a good father.  Thank you all for saying such nice things about him in the comments of the last post.  We finally resolved the “toilet seat” issue.

Yesterday was Tuesday night — and you know what that means –GIRLS NIGHT OUT. 

I just love Melissa’s new book club!   There’s no better combination than good friends, good books, and Ellie’s munchlicious raisin cookies!   For our next book, Alicia recommended Jennifer Weiner (again!), but Margaret suggested we try reading something more ethnic for a change, like a writer who is African-American or Asian.   I think it might be fun!  I know I love Asian babies.  They really are the cutest.

It’s been really hot in Redondo Beach the last few days, so I wasn’t surprised when Daphne decided to take off her blouse.  I hadn’t taken another bite of my raisin cookie when I noticed that Daphne also took off her bra.  She has such a wonder body.  I’m so jealous.  I really need to go back to Curves (yeah, like I have the time!) 

With Daphne looking so comfortable going topless, we all followed her lead.    Patty and Beth rolled onto the carpet and started making out.  Soon, we were all naked, having a lesbian orgy —

Neil:  “Hold on, hold on, what’s going on here!  Who’s sabotaging this story?”

Neil’s Penis:  “Who do you think, asshole?  You think I’m going to let you be a Mommyblogger and cut me out of the blog completely?” 

Neil:  “Hey, I was still going to share the advertising revenue with you.”

Neil’s Penis:  “And what about residuals?”

Neil:  “Well…”

Neil’s Penis:    “Do you really think I participate in this blog JUST for the money?  I like being in the posts.”

Neil:  “You do?”

Neil’s Penis:  “Sure.  I have a bit of the actor’s bug in me.  The rise and fall of dramantic action.  And there’s certainly no role for me anymore if  you’re Trish, the Mommyblogger.”

Neil:  “We could always make you Josh’s Penis.”

Neil’s Penis:  “I don’t take any f***ing secondary roles!”

Neil:  “Well, I’m sorry, but Sophia thinks advertising…”

Neil’s Penis:  “Sophia… Sophia…  I’ve never seen a man so p***y-whipped!.  If she thinks this blog is about making money, she doesn’t know crap.  Am I the only one with integrity around here?”

Neil:  “So why are we doing this blog?”

Neil’s Penis:  “Neilochka, open your eyes, you four-eyed nincompoop.  If I were running this show, I would have shtupped half of your blogroll already, including those Mommybloggers!”

Neil:  “Even Dooce?”

Neil’s Penis:  “No.  Be serious, pal.  She’s out of your league.”

Neil rushes to the window and screams out towards the East Coast.

Neil:  “Sophia, please!  Come back!   This blog is disintegrating into total nonsense without you here!”

Sophia Countdown:  Five More Weeks

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(artwork from Almost Naked Animals)

(While I wrote this blog tonight, Sophia went to some fancy “wine and cheese” class at the Culinary Institute in NYC and sat next to the “food guy” from “Queer Eye.”)  

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  I Wanna Be Taken Seriously

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