the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Neilochka the Cool

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The Cool Hunter, a popular trendspotting site on the net,  is looking for writers. 

Do you have a cool radar? Can you sniff out a trend well before it hits? Are you plugged into the arts, technology, fashion, music, design, travel, literary or film scene in your city?  Can you write short and snappy copy? If you answered yes to all of the above then email and tell us more about yourself. We’re on the hunt for additions to our global network of cool hunters to file for thecoolhunter.net  – one of the most popular trend spotting sites in the world.

Our extensive global coverage ensures that the Cool Hunter never misses a beat when it comes to emerging and future trendspotting. The essence of the Cool Hunter is the ethos of ‘global information channelling’ that is not regionally specific, but rather based on worldwide relevance. In a society obsessed with the shiny and new, The Cool Hunter has become the reference point of choice for the latest in what’s hot tomorrow.

Cool radar?  Yes.  Sniff out a trend?  I have a great sense of smell.  Plugged in?  You know it, baby.

I’m totally bored with this "Citizen of the Month" blog.   Time to move on and finds some readers who aren’t as wimpy as I am  — I was waiting all day yesterday for someone to say I should have punched that Beverly Hills woman in the nose.  Trendspotting, here I come!

This sounds like the ideal gig for me — knowing what’s cool and hot (I guess I shouldn’t tell anyone that I didn’t own a cell phone until three months ago… but once I got one, I got the coolest one… at least when I bought it.  Now they don’t even make the model anymore.  But I’m not going to mention that at the interview).

Here’s my writing sample for "The Cool Hunter" gig:

Hey, hipsters and cool cats, it’s me — Neilochka the Cool — with the latest buzz on everything shiny and new, hot and happening.  If it’s a trend that’s on fire, you know that Neilochka the Cool will be there first, reporting back to you from his futuristic bachelor pad somewhere in the City of Angels, or as me and my buds like to call it– Cool Central.

FOUR OF THE LATEST TRENDS FOR YOU

1)  Piggy-Back Riding 

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Forget the Vespa.  Toss away the Segway.  Hybrid who?  The hottest form of transportation is an old favorite with a sizzling new twist — it is giving your  pretty woman a piggy-back ride across town.  From Soho to Venice, CA —  to all hipstervilles across the country — dudes are putting their ladies on their back and taking them to work, to school, even the mall.  Think of all the gas mileage that’s saved as you take the little lady to the beauty salon on your back.  Not only is it sexy and trendy, it’s pro-environment.

2)   Bare-Chested Argentine Soccer Goalie Look

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Argentina’s economy may be in shambles, but nothing sets the world stage on fire more than their sexy soccer players.  Dressing the part is easy.  Just buy the official sweatpants, dress the woman on your back the same way, hang a chain on your neck, and strip every inch of hair off your body.  Sizzling?  You bet!  Or as they say in Argentina, "GOALLLLL!"

3)  Black Couples with Similar Afros

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It’s back to Harlem for Cotton and Shaft as retro hair lights the sky ebony!   Chocolate men, show them honkies who’s boss by carrying your Nubian Princess on only one shoulder.   A white tee and a goatee make the Afro-man a sight to see!

4)  Dry Humping

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Safe Sex is so Generation X.  The latest group of hipsters takes the birds and the bees to a higher evolutionary place — dry humping!   Ladies, tease your men with a little bit of side cleavage, but not too much — because this hanky-panky is done with your pants on.   Some old-school sexperts might find this lacking in spark, that’s why we suggest first putting your fingers in electrical sockets that make your hair stand up.  Talk about the Big O! 

Hire me!

hip as always,

Neil Kramer a.k.a Neilochka the Cool

36 Comments

  1. bella

    Ooo, ooo, ooo, (hand raised) pick me, pick me! I know – The 5th coolest thing will everyone will quit being in color and go back to black & white! Like a reverse “Pleasantville”!

  2. Bad Maria

    oh dear….

  3. xtessa

    ah… but it’s so sad that the anorexic look is still in…;)

  4. Anne

    Just make sure you know that if they don’t pick you, it just means they themselves suck at trendspotting. Call me Anne the Fresh from now on.
    Oh. And keep the blog – if you don’t do it for you, do it for us, OK?

  5. Josia

    That photo shoot must have taken weeks!

  6. JJ MacMillan

    Excellent. Laugh out loud funny. Especially the part about how you’re tired of this blog. And how wimpy we are. You know, you should have kicked that beverly hills woman right in the ovaries, dude.

  7. Heather

    Hey!

    Wimpy readers? That’s not very nice.

    Thank goodness I’m cool and I can take a joke… HA. HA. Hmph.

  8. M.A.

    And remember, in order to be cool, you have to not be so attached and friendly. So stop commenting to our comments. You don’t want to appear needy.

    Or whatever.

    Later. 😉

  9. Neil

    Thanks, M.A. — I forgot about that part. Cool = unfriendly.

    I spit on ya all!

  10. anonymous city girl

    You are so uber geek chic… that’s what you should be embracing.
    Geek Chic = The New Cool

  11. M

    Dry humping isn’t a trend.
    It’s a way of life.

  12. Nancy French

    What is up with their hair? Seriously — I mean, how and why are some of the girls’ hair are light-socket erect, while they don’t appear to be falling or jumping?

  13. anonymous city girl

    wow. dry humping. haven’t heard that expressions in years.
    this one time at band camp…

  14. mysterygirl!

    That was totally awesome. You truly are a trend spotter.

    In the same vein as M.A.’s comment, you might want to tone down the excited language in your “application”– cool people aren’t excited to be cool. Gotta be blase. You did sound straight out of an ad agency, though.

  15. Tatyana

    From your correspondent abroad: the barechested look for males is all the trend in Portugal. Even the “hello from Algarve” postcards at my hotel feature said model male on the beach, water up to his privates, sun shining on his sculptured oiled muscles.
    Have to say, though, when accompanied with “Lady in red” on the loop, it makes me feel I’m tresspassing on the gay joint…

  16. ms. sizzle

    that dry humping bit got me. hee hee. is it just me or do all those people appear to need a good meal? i could snap some with my pinkie!

  17. amanda

    what the? haha…i love it. thank you for taking a photograph to which i wouldn’t have given a second look and pointing out its inherent absurdity. yay!

  18. Leese

    If you get the job, could you please see what you can do about the following?

    I know iPods are cool, but dammit do people really need to wander around grocery stores with their iPods on?

    How about them ruffle skirts? Ok so we wanna play peek-a-boo with your butt, but it’s so 80’s!

    And gypsy dresses. I can’t wait until these go out of style. They make me look pregnant.

    That’s it for now. Please see what you can do.

    Thanks.
    Leese

  19. :: jozjozjoz ::

    I don’t know about anyone else, but *I’d* sure pick you and your awesome writing sample.

  20. Pearl

    Neil, you know how when you stand and look up at the sky, the crowd around you will also look up to see what’s you’re looking at…?
    Think about trend-spotting in those terms. Take action. Make declarations of the most absurd kind. Publicize those declarations. People will think it’s the godforsaken truth and will think they’re first on the trend bandwagon.
    For spring 2006, declare that: Eilat, Israel is the new hot spot, in essence the new South Beach; magenta is the new black; you’re not “in” if you don’t carry a walking stick — it’s like your own personal exclamation mark; friendly folk music is the new “disco”; blogging is passe and teletyping is the way to go.
    Signing off…
    Trendspotter Extraordinaire!!!

  21. PLD

    ahhhh, but we just met! If the Cool Hunter ever comes to Philadelphia, I’m so there. 🙂

  22. Jason W.

    You’re hired? Of course, being the non-assertive type, you won’t ask for any pay, right? 😉

  23. Neil

    Jason, you apparently know me better than anyone. The guy from this website actually DID email me and asked me to write for him! — I have no idea why unless he’s doing a practical joke on me to get even for mocking him. And yes, I didn’t want to ask if he pays. And yes, Sophia said that if I didn’t ask him if he pays, she wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the week — and she would write on my blog what a wuss I am.

    Still waiting to hear back from this guy, but frankly, I think my mother is probably “cooler” than I.

    Also, most of his readers are men, 25-40, which bores me already. Isn’t it clear that I blog mostly for the women (and you, Jason)!

  24. Nancy French

    Yippee! That is fantastic! E-mail him and ask him what the arrangements are, Neil… For goodness sake! This could be big!

  25. Michael

    Isn’t beef jerky cool yet? Someday, someday, my regular dinner menu will be in vogue.

  26. Sophia

    uhm, Neil, the guy from that website emailed you because I sent him your post…

  27. Neil

    Sophia, are you serious? Why did you do that? What did you say?

    And why am I writing it here? I’m calling you now.

    I can’t believe you did that…

  28. Jack

    Beef Jerky is good stuff.

  29. Edgy Mama

    Wimpy readers? Hmmmmmm,

    Have you read Pattern Recognition, Neil?

  30. Nancy French

    Sophia, you rock!

  31. The Moviequill

    how can you be tired of this blog when I haven’t yet?

  32. anonymous city girl

    mmm.. beef jerky… i bought some tonight.
    yummy!

  33. Neil

    From hip trendsetter to comments about beef jerky. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

  34. Bama Girl

    sooooooooo funny Neil! I, of course, thought you were serious for a few moments. I was like, “hipsters?” “who says that?” Yeah, HBO–good luck finding the cool reporters out there. I’m sure everyone who is really cutting edge has time to write about it.

  35. Nicole

    Niel,
    This one literally had me laughing all day.

  36. introspectre

    Cool? You think you know cool?

    I heard no mention of Play-doh, Dungeons and Dragons marathons or hot dog eating contests.

    What the hell? Way to drop the cool-ball.

    Maybe they want me to write for them. I will, as soon as I’m done re-alphabetizing my Star Wars figures collection.

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