the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Panties Gag Found Dead in Los Angeles!


Attention:  If you are a first time visitor or are coming to this site because you heard “good things” about Citizen of the Month, please ignore this post and read the previous one.  This post is what we call in the blogging biz as “filler” for when we’d rather be doing something other than blogging, but feel obligated to put something up, just to keep the readership amused, so that the masses will be more accepting when I start selling “discount ink-jet cartridges”on the right margin of the blog.  But feel free to skip this post completely because it is so “in-groupie” — as Sophia called it — that it’s worse than Gawker’s policy of making you apply to comment.

Dateline, Los Angeles.

Neil’s Panties Gag (8/06 – 9/06) was found dead today, hanging in an abandoned warehouse in downtown Los Angeles. Foul play is suspected, but LAPD Commanding Officer Beverly Melrose has told the Associated Press that “The investigation is ongoing. There are currently no suspects.”

The blogosphere is abuzz with sad memories of the once vibrant gag.

Blogger Elle spoke fondly of the gag, “I loved that Women’s Underwear Gag. Even though Neil only wore the panties once, he was able to stretch the joke out for three whole weeks!”

Sarcomical, one of the participants in Blogger Appreciation Day, agreed. “I thought that gag was going to just be a one shot deal. But Neil kept on using it over and over again. I think there was even more humor in it. I guess we’re never going to find out now.”

The Viscountess of Funk found it hard to hold back her tears: “That Woman’s Panties Gag… it died so young!”

Not everyone on the blogosphere was a fan of the gag.

“Frankly, good riddance to that stupid gag,” said Neil’s Penis. “This blog is supposed to be all about “Neil and his talking Penis,” not about “Neil wearing women’s panties.”

When asked if he had any stories about his former co-worker, Neil’s Penis just shook his head and laughed.

“A hack. A one hit wonder. Gags about men wearing women’s panties get old real fast. But a talking penis can last a lifetime. Frankly, I’m glad that loser is out of the picture!” he said as he cleaned out some extra rope and duct tape from the trunk of Sophia’s Prius.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Neilochka the Cool (last year I was so much cooler!)


  1. Charming, but single

    I do like the talking Penis better than women’s panties, but that’s just the kind of girl I am. ;P

  2. schrodinger

    So very sorry for your loss. Give penis some alone time to rebuild your relationship.

  3. Mr. Fabulous

    Neil’s Panty Gag, we hardly knew ye…


    I’m glad Neil’s penis got to shake his head and laugh.

  5. elle

    Underpants are always funny. Always.

  6. CrankMama

    But how did it die? Shot by a wife perhaps?

  7. Neil

    Attn: Emergency email sent to Sophia in NY — “Is this post just too stupid too keep up? Please come home!”

  8. Neil

    Text message from Sophia: “The last one was better. This one is too in-groupie. Keep it up only if you have nothing better.”

  9. Neil

    Emergency email to Sophia; “Maybe I should take it down. What if in a month, I think of some new funny post with women’s underwear and some jerk comments on my post, “I thought you killed that gag, you hypocrite?”

  10. Neil

    Text message from Sophia: “Do what they do on “All My Children.” Say the death was all a mistake and the gag somehow miraculously survived. People always believe those idiotic plot twists — like the one with Dixie Martin.”

  11. Neil

    Emergency email to Sophia: “Thanks! You’re the best editor!”

  12. Neil

    Text message from Sophia: “No problem. Remember your cholesterol medicine! (You see — this cholesterol gag hasn’t gotten old yet!)

  13. plain jane

    I hate to think what it means, but I like the panty gag better than the talking penis. Yikes!

    Love the messages back and forth between you and Sophia!

  14. Neil's Penis

    Ban Plain Jane from the comments!

  15. Neil

    Could someone also help me out by being a surrogate editor for a day? Would it be Neil’s Panty Gag or Neil’s Panties Gag or Neil’s Panties’ Gag?

  16. Erin


  17. Charming, but single

    Neil’s Panties Gag, since you speak of many pairs of panties and the panties do not own the gag.

  18. Rabbit

    I agree with Charming, But Single. I think Neil’s Panties Gag is grammatically correct.

  19. Jody

    Yeah for the Penis! He has such a good head…uh I mean he knows a bad “gag” when he sees one.. uh panties are always expendable but a good Penis now those are “hard” to find! 🙂

  20. Sarcomical

    i guess all truly great things must come to an end.

  21. plain jane

    *sniffle* boo-hoo *sniffle*

    I guess I deserved that.

  22. Tara

    I love your tags for this one. If I was playing that one game, I could use them and say, “I’m going on a trip and I’m taking cheap gags, a talking penis and women’s panties.”

    I’m thinking I need to travel more.

  23. wendy

    So how about a sequel gag..Sofia in tighty whiteys?? And if penis has a voice…shouldn’t muffy be heard??

  24. Viscountes of Funk

    Panties are so funny, always. I mean, even the WORD “panties” is funny! Penis? Not so much.

  25. Lou P.

    Does this mean that Neil’s Penis inherits the rights to

  26. emma

    I for one would like to speak out in defence of the panties gag. Every time I thought of you sitting at your computer wearing those monkey panties I started to laugh. And I agree with Viscountess of Funk, there is nothing inately funny about your penis (unless it is one of those ones that bends in the middle which I hope for your sake it isn’t), but the word ‘panties’ can always raise a cheap guffaw.

  27. Neil

    Hmmm… people seem to like the panties after all. It’s too bad that the gag is dead. What’s this? Oh, my god! I just opened the coffin and the panties are gone? Can this mean that they are STILL ALIVE? Or was the dead gag stolen by a crazed fan? I guess we’re just going to have to wait and see…

  28. Neil's Penis

    Neil — Pussy!

    And Emma — since I see the name of your blog is “Mommy Has a Headache,” can I assume you also use that old excuse with your husband? I’m funny, I tell ya — like a cold fish like YOU would ever know!

    And that lame-O Viscountess of “no” Funk wouldn’t know a funny Penis if she was staring at one.  Has she ever been laid?

    Where do you find these “loser” readers, Neilochka?

  29. Neil

    Penis, these are my blogging friends you’re insulting.

  30. Neil's Penis

    F**k them! Bunch of jealous feminist b****s that wish they had a c***k rather than you while you prance around in their underwear.

  31. Jody

    To Neil’s Penis – did you forget that feminists may like a penis, sometimes love a penis but feminists sure don’t need a penis? To quote Annie Oakley – Anything you can do, I can do better, I can do anything better than you!

  32. the psycho therapist

    Dear Neil’s Penis,
    I love you.
    Don’t ever leave.
    Anais Nin

  33. Amy K

    Sara Jess (Carrie Bradshaw) did the tightie whitie on Sex and the City, and in the summer months I sleep in men’s boxers because they are inexpensive, light, and sometimes have cool patterns like martini cockatails. No pun intended on the cocktails…

  34. Dagny

    I am going to imagine that this is like that infamous season of Dallas. Pam has just dreamed that the Panties Gag is dead. The next time we see the Panties Gag will be in a shower.

  35. Tara

    Or maybe the panties escaped to that island where JFK, Jimi Hendrix, and Elvis all live. Pretty soon we’ll have sightings of them leaving a McDonalds in Akron, Ohio too.

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