from Lane Bryant online site
If there’s one question everyone seems to ask me via email lately it’s, “Neilochka, you’re known throughout the blogosphere as a man of strong desires. How in the world are you managing without a woman around?”
The truth is, it’s been extremely difficult. Sure, I’ve flirted with one or two female bloggers in their blog comments, but its all been high school stuff. You know — “Oh, you look so hot in that photo with your kids and your pet hamster!”
Last night, I decided it was time to take things up a notch. I decided to IM with the unattached “BlogGirl X,” hoping for some online action. I wasn’t entirely sure how to initiation the “good times,” but I figured I’d play it by ear.
“Hi there!” I IMed her on Yahoo! Messenger, adding an emoticon that winked. I figured I’d let the emoticons be my “wing-men” in helping me achieve my goal.
“Hey, Neilochka” she replied, “What’s up?!”
“Hee hee,” I thought.
I started my dance of seduction. We spoke about blogging. About her job. About her recent fight with her mother over some sort of vacation plans to Florida. About her recent eye infection from swimming in a neighbor’s pool.
I began scratching my head, wondering if I was approaching this incorrectly. If I wanted to talk about this boring crap, I could have just called up Sophia. Where was the hot action?”
Now I know what you are thinking. What ABOUT Sophia? Isn’t Neil still “married?” Isn’t it a little sleazy of him to be hitting on women online while still being a married man?
I understand where you are coming from. I’ve seen these type of assholes on TV shows like “Grey’s Anatomy.” They may be sexy as hell, but they are basically love-em-and-leave-em jerks, jumping from one extra-marital conquest to the next.
But that is not me. I have two excellent excuses for flirting with “BlogGirl X” last night.
Excuse #1 —
I tried to flirt with Sophia FIRST. Granted there is a three hour time difference between LA and NY — and it was 2AM in New York. But if someone woke me up in the middle of the night wanting some sex talk, I would be overjoyed! And also – once we started talking, the conversation quickly went off-course, Sophia seemed more interested in discussing “what checks came in the mail” than watching me on my new “webcam.”
Excuse # 2 —
Before Sophia left for New York, I explicitly asked her if it was OK for me to “fool around” with other women while she was gone. She answered, “Only if you actually learn something.”
So, I take that as a “yes.”
So, back to BlogGirl X. We are online for fifteen minutes and it is time to get explicit.
Neil: “So, where are you now?”
BlogGirl X: “In bed.”
Neil: “So, what are you wearing?”
BlogGirl X: “A bra and matching panties.”
Neil: “Oh, really? What color?”
BlogGirl X: “Burgundy”
Neil: “Huh. It’s hard to visualize. Do you have any photos?”
BlogGirl X: “Hold on…”
Holy shit! It’s actually working! She’s playing along!
BlogGirl X: “… I bought the bra and panties online. Let me show you the URL…”
She sends me to LaneBryant.com.
This is not exactly what I hoped for.
But still, it is a photo of a curvy woman in a bra and panties. Good enough for me right now.
Neil: “Nice. That wouldn’t be YOU in the photo, would it?”
BlogGirl X: “No, silly. I’m not a model. I’m an advertising account executive.”
Neil: “But you do look something like her, right?… I’m assuming…”
BlogGirl X: “Sort of. Except I’m a 38D.”
Neil: “Yes. Hey, that’s what Sophia is, too!”
BlogGirl X: “Oh, really?
BlogGirl X: “Cool. She should buy this bra. It’s the most comfortable one I’ve ever worn. At Lane Bryant.”
Neil: “I’ve been to Lane Bryant with Sophia. She doesn’t like their clothes.”
BlogGirl X: “Neither do I. But they have the best bras for buxom women. Just tell her to take the padding out. We certainly don’t need it.”
I bit my tongue. Something is going wrong here. Too much talk about Sophia. Stay focused, the eye on the prize…
Neil: “Oh yeah, so, I guess you wouldn’t need the padding… since you are a 38D…”
BlogGirl X: “Yeah. I also find the padding irritates my nipples. I have very sensitive nipples.”
Neil: “You do…?”
BlogGirl X: “Oh, my nipples always give me a problem. Even during sex. It’s like — don’t touch me there right now!”
Neil: “Huh. So, like, uh, when you’re having sex, I would think most women like, uh…
BlogGirl X: “Oh, they’re just very sensitive when I’m very sexually aroused. Otherwise, I love when a man plays with my nipples… Oh, check out this bra on the site! I love this one, too. I just bought it and it looks so good with my new black dress.”
She sends me another URL from Lane Bryant, showing another woman in a bra, but I’m feeling a little too dizzy to look at it.
BlogGirl X: “I could be like a saleswoman for these bras I love them so much. You have to tell Sophia about them.”
Neil: “Uh…I will.”
BlogGirl X: “You promise? Because men always forget these things.”
Neil: “No, I will…so, let’s get back… you were saying, when you get very aroused, your…”
BlogGirl X: “You want me to send her off an email with the link to Lane Bryant…”
Neil: “No…no… I’ll do it…”
BlogGirl X: “Great. Let me go now. I think I’ll undress, take a shower, then relax with my vibrator. I need an orgasm! I had such a long day at work today!”
BlogGirl X: “Bye, Neilochka. Can’t wait to read your next post! You’re always so funny!”
She ended the conversation with an emoticon that winked.
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Questions on my Mind