the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

While Sophia Was Away

from Lane Bryant online site

If there’s one question everyone seems to ask me via email lately it’s, “Neilochka, you’re known throughout the blogosphere as a man of strong desires. How in the world are you managing without a woman around?”

The truth is, it’s been extremely difficult. Sure, I’ve flirted with one or two female bloggers in their blog comments, but its all been high school stuff. You know — “Oh, you look so hot in that photo with your kids and your pet hamster!”

Last night, I decided it was time to take things up a notch. I decided to IM with the unattached “BlogGirl X,” hoping for some online action. I wasn’t entirely sure how to initiation the “good times,” but I figured I’d play it by ear.

“Hi there!” I IMed her on Yahoo! Messenger, adding an emoticon that winked. I figured I’d let the emoticons be my “wing-men” in helping me achieve my goal.

“Hey, Neilochka” she replied, “What’s up?!”

“Hee hee,” I thought.

I started my dance of seduction. We spoke about blogging. About her job. About her recent fight with her mother over some sort of vacation plans to Florida. About her recent eye infection from swimming in a neighbor’s pool.

I began scratching my head, wondering if I was approaching this incorrectly. If I wanted to talk about this boring crap, I could have just called up Sophia. Where was the hot action?”

Now I know what you are thinking. What ABOUT Sophia? Isn’t Neil still “married?” Isn’t it a little sleazy of him to be hitting on women online while still being a married man?

I understand where you are coming from. I’ve seen these type of assholes on TV shows like “Grey’s Anatomy.” They may be sexy as hell, but they are basically love-em-and-leave-em jerks, jumping from one extra-marital conquest to the next.

But that is not me. I have two excellent excuses for flirting with “BlogGirl X” last night.

Excuse #1 —

I tried to flirt with Sophia FIRST. Granted there is a three hour time difference between LA and NY — and it was 2AM in New York. But if someone woke me up in the middle of the night wanting some sex talk, I would be overjoyed! And also – once we started talking, the conversation quickly went off-course, Sophia seemed more interested in discussing “what checks came in the mail” than watching me on my new “webcam.”

Excuse # 2 —

Before Sophia left for New York, I explicitly asked her if it was OK for me to “fool around” with other women while she was gone. She answered, “Only if you actually learn something.”

So, I take that as a “yes.”

So, back to BlogGirl X. We are online for fifteen minutes and it is time to get explicit.

Neil:  “So, where are you now?”

BlogGirl X:  “In bed.”

Good. Good.

Neil:  “So, what are you wearing?”

BlogGirl X:  “A bra and matching panties.”


Neil:  “Oh, really? What color?”

BlogGirl X:  “Burgundy”

Neil:  “Huh. It’s hard to visualize. Do you have any photos?”

BlogGirl X:  “Hold on…”

Holy shit! It’s actually working! She’s playing along!

BlogGirl X:  “… I bought the bra and panties online. Let me show you the URL…”

She sends me to

This is not exactly what I hoped for.

But still, it is a photo of a curvy woman in a bra and panties. Good enough for me right now.

Neil:  “Nice. That wouldn’t be YOU in the photo, would it?”

BlogGirl X:  “No, silly. I’m not a model. I’m an advertising account executive.”


Neil:  “But you do look something like her, right?… I’m assuming…”

BlogGirl X:  “Sort of. Except I’m a 38D.”

Neil:  “Yes. Hey, that’s what Sophia is, too!”

BlogGirl X:  “Oh, really?

Neil:  “Yes!”

BlogGirl X:  “Cool.  She should buy this bra. It’s the most comfortable one I’ve ever worn. At Lane Bryant.”

Neil:  “I’ve been to Lane Bryant with Sophia. She doesn’t like their clothes.”

BlogGirl X:  “Neither do I. But they have the best bras for buxom women. Just tell her to take the padding out. We certainly don’t need it.”

Neil:  “Right…right…”

I bit my tongue. Something is going wrong here. Too much talk about Sophia. Stay focused, the eye on the prize…

Neil:  “Oh yeah, so, I guess you wouldn’t need the padding… since you are a 38D…”

BlogGirl X:  “Yeah. I also find the padding irritates my nipples. I have very sensitive nipples.”

Neil:  “You do…?”

BlogGirl X:  “Oh, my nipples always give me a problem. Even during sex. It’s like — don’t touch me there right now!”

Neil:  “Huh. So, like, uh, when you’re having sex, I would think most women like, uh…

BlogGirl X:  “Oh, they’re just very sensitive when I’m very sexually aroused. Otherwise, I love when a man plays with my nipples… Oh, check out this bra on the site! I love this one, too. I just bought it and it looks so good with my new black dress.”

She sends me another URL from Lane Bryant, showing another woman in a bra, but I’m feeling a little too dizzy to look at it.

BlogGirl X:  “I could be like a saleswoman for these bras I love them so much. You have to tell Sophia about them.”

Neil:  “Uh…I will.”

BlogGirl X:  “You promise? Because men always forget these things.”

Neil:  “No, I will…so, let’s get back… you were saying, when you get very aroused, your…”

BlogGirl X:  “You want me to send her off an email with the link to Lane Bryant…”

Neil:  “No…no… I’ll do it…”

BlogGirl X:  “Great. Let me go now. I think I’ll undress, take a shower, then relax with my vibrator. I need an orgasm! I had such a long day at work today!”

Neil:  “Uh…OK…”

BlogGirl X:  “Bye, Neilochka. Can’t wait to read your next post! You’re always so funny!”

Neil:  “Bye.”

She ended the conversation with an emoticon that winked.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Questions on my Mind


  1. lizardek

    Har! Serves you right. 😉

  2. plain jane

    The only person funnier than you might be Sophia…

    “She answered, “Only if you actually learn something.”

    Terrific post!

  3. tamarika

    Neil, I’m wondering if Lane Bryant might consider giving you commission for this post. Can you believe I already wandered over to their website to look at bras and I am not even a 38D?

    But jokes aside, I hope you are doing okay, *really,* without your love of your life.


  4. Dave2

    The picture looked so tasty that I just went to Layne Bryant Online and ordered me one!

    Now that the heat of the moment has passed, I’ve come to the realization that the woman is not included with the bra, so now I am experiencing buyer’s remorse.

  5. the psycho therapist

    Entertaining as always. I hope you’re making big money with all that talent.
    I’d say more but I’ve sworn off sexual commentary here after possibly being tossed into the “slut and party girl” category *snif*.

    As if.

  6. Caitlinator

    Hold on. Wait a minute. You have a webcam? How have I missed this?

  7. Non-Highlighted Heather

    Ah yes, Neil most definitely has a webcam. And I learned oh so quickly that when he says, “Say hello to my little friend” he’s not just doing his Pacino impersonation.

  8. Megan

    I always thought you were a major Sex God, and this post proves it.

  9. girlgoyle

    Oh boy…I can only imagine the beating you got from Mr. Penis for not being able to play your cards right on this one. Mentioning the ex or current girlfriend while attempting to get hot and heavy is ALWAYS a no!no!. I even know that!!

  10. Elisabeth

    Cybersex is way overrated.

  11. deezee

    You and Sophia are such an evolved couple…does she get to play when she’s away??

  12. elle

    You are too adorable, Neil… That is your gift…. and your problem. But out of all the choices, its the best.

    Next time you want some steamy late night chatter, let me know.

  13. 2nd Pearl Past the Post

    It sounds like you’re the safe gay friend. You always do strike me as happy…

  14. Neil

    Tamarika — You’re right… I finally have an advertiser — Lane Bryant! I have a long history with that store. I used to go there with my mother, too — not that she ever got any of those bras back then!

    Deezee – Of course not. Why would she need to play? She’s a woman. Women don’t have needs like men. She’s very happy there working and doing her scrapbooking at night.

    Pearl — You got it right! I am not the f***ing gay friend! Just because I’m advising Sophia which musical to see on Broadway (she’s going to see Chicago today with Usher), does not make me gay!

  15. sarah

    “Only if you actually learn something.”

    i love sophia.

  16. Rebecca

    Well, at least you learned something about bras if nothing else. And you know I’m always awake at 2:00 in the morning. That’s when all the good movies are on Cinemax. 😉

  17. communicatrix

    Wait–that’s a PLUS-SIZE MODEL!?!?

    Jesus Jumping Christ…the world truly has gone mad…

  18. Neil

    Communicatrix — exactly. It is so fake. Women are so used to seeing size 2 as normal, that they put this — probably a size 8 woman — as a plus-size model for Lane Bryant. And I’m sure a lot of people think she looks “fat.”

    And C — And am I wrong, but do I notice that you aren’t on my “IM” friends list?

  19. Jules

    Neil – I think I need to give you my IM info…

  20. V-Grrrl

    With a title like “While Sophia was away…” and a photo of a Lane Bryant model, I was worried you were wearing Sophia’s bra AND panties.

    Um, Neil, be sure to leave the padding IN.

  21. Brooke

    I’m crazy with jealousy.

  22. the Yearning Heart


    What, are you afraid I’d rock your freaking world?

  23. Tara

    Yeah, I don’t know why anyone would infer that you’re gay. I mean, I’m sure all kinds of rugged manly men wear women’s underwear and advise people on the best musicals to see, right?

    Oh, and you and Sophia = comic geniuses, but I’m sure you already knew that

  24. better safe than sorry

    so what did you learn?;)

  25. The Cynical Girl

    Wait – someone actually owns matching bras and panties???

  26. emma

    She sounds suspiciously like someone who works for Lane Bryant and talks dirty to men to get them to buy the stuff for their girlfriends. Brilliant marketing strategy!!

  27. cruisin-mom

    Usher on Broadway? that’s gay.

  28. Melissa

    I have that bra (with matching panties) in about 4 different colors. She’s right, it is comfortable. And even if your chichis are huge, leave the air pillows in… VA VOOM! So what if you can’t see your feet when you do it.

  29. Leese

    For the gazillionth time, Neilochka…they’re guinea pigs!

  30. Jessica

    Damn, I don’t want to spark any rumors, Neil but Sophia was all up for flirting when I called her. Thank God I just increased my cell phone minutes….

  31. ms. sizzle

    so what you are trying to tell me is that the next time you IM me you’d like me to cut right to the sex talk and send over some personal underwear shots? 😉

  32. Daisy Mae

    Forget Blog Girl X, I think we need some more posts from Neils Penis as he/it made more sense than any of us have lately.

  33. Edgy Mama

    So whose cute California undies were those you e-mailed me a shot of? Maybe you should start blogger undie day and we can all e-mail you shots of ourselves in our undies.

  34. question girl

    *ROFLMAO* i am CRYING i am laughing so hard….

    poor neil.. *potc*

  35. Serena

    Hahaha. The perfect tease. That was hilarious.

  36. ElizaF

    and you had the cheek to leave me a comment saying I was a slut???!! *tsk* 🙂 So what did you learn anyhow?

  37. wilsonian

    See, If only you owned a belt with a fish buckle… it would have all turned out differently…


  38. CrankMama

    Ahh, Neil, a victim of your own notoriety.

  39. Jack

    Sounds to me like you are on the path to going BT. In a couple of months we’ll get posts about dressing more tzniusly.

  40. rach

    This was good Neil, did you not see the end of your cyber sex coming with talk of sophia and her undies? Better luck next time

  41. deannie

    It’s funny, I immediately realized that the model in that photo was not anorexic and actually a member of the human race.

    I leave the padding in. And I have Yahoo! IM too but I pretty much find cybersex unsatisfying. I hope you learned something?!?

  42. Rabbit

    So . . . that went well.

  43. Kevin

    So much promise in that conversation.

    So much promise…

  44. Nics

    I’m sure you were disappointed but hey, it was funny for the rest of us. Do Lane Bryant deliver internationally?

  45. Anomie-Atlanta

    Who wears a bra to bed?

  46. Paris Parfait

    Hilarious! I hope you’re getting paid a promotional fee by Lane Bryant?

  47. Leah

    Oh my. “Only if you learn something”?! Hehehe….love it.

  48. Odessa

    Awww Man! The things I missed! My computer died and I just got it up and running again.

    I think this is one of my *many* favorite posts. I’m adding to the ‘I’m not on your IM list either’ crowd, too. :p

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