Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Mommy Bloggest

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Sophia is always bugging me about putting advertising on my blog.  She is under the impression that because “Citizen of the Month” is the third most read blog in Redondo Beach we could make a living off of you suckers, or “monetize” the blog, as they say at conferences like BlogHer.

“Look at this blog,” Sophia says, pointing at some popular blog on my blogroll.  “She puts a cute little button on the side that says, “Click here!  I need to eat!.”  And guess what — she’s really using the blog to pay for her husband’s new BMW.”

I have no problem with people making money off of their blogs.   But I ain’t stupid.  I know my place in the blogosphere.   I don’t have the right demographic to get myself that BMW.  In fact, this is a typical offer — something I got in my email today:

Hi,

Our impressions of citizenofthemonth.com are very good, that’s why we would like to offer you the opportunity of becoming a link partner with us. The process is extremely simple and incredibly beneficial to the both of us. What we would be interested in doing is in offering you a link to Horny Matches dot com….

Horny Matches dot com!  That’s my demographic.

Jeez, how horny do you have to be to use Horny Matches dot com?  Aren’t the people on Match.com horny enough for you? 

What’s the next step  — IfIdon’tgetlaidIwillcommitsuicide.com?

These are the type of advertisers interested in Citizen of the Month.  The sad part is that their research is correct.  After meeting a few of you in person, you ARE the types who would click through the ads to Horny Matches dot com.

But that’s not enough advertising dollars for me and my high-living lifestyle.  If I’m going for the money, I want to be a big gun, a big macher — a blogger who gets all the attention.  Which means one thing.   From this day forward, I am a Mommyblogger.   “Citizen of the Month” will now be called “Mommy of the Month.”

Let me introduce you to the “cast of characters.” 

That photo on top is my son, Justin, when he was younger.  He’s now eleven years old.  

My husband is Josh.   He’s a stockbroker with a medium-sized firm in Redondo Beach. 

And my name is… Trish.  

I love blogging, Jane Austen, “The Office,” and scrapbooking.  I’m pretty, but not that much of a beauty to make other female bloggers jealous of me.  The biggest inspiration in my life, besides my great aunt Tilly, who was born without ears but still managed to become the conductor of the Tulsa Symphony Orchestra, is Dooce.

Some criticize us Mommybloggers.  

“How much can be said about being a mother?  It’s not like it’s a new experience.  My mother raised me OK — and she didn’t even have a blog.”

I disagree.  Every mother is different.  I can honestly say I would not be here today if it weren’t for my mother. 

Welcome to my first Mommyblogger post:

Mommy of the Month

by Trish Lansky-Kramer

“Welcome World!”

Today I went to Kohl’s to buy school clothes for Justin. I can’t believe how many fashion choices children have today!  Were there so many choices when we were kids?  I don’t think so! 

(And thank you Alice for car-pooling!  You all should read Alice’s blog, Mommy Unleashed.  She is so funny when she talks about her “little rugrats!”)

While at Kohl’s all Justin could talk about was buying these “must have” Nikes.  I told him they were too expensive.   He started throwing a tantrum.   All I think was, “When is school going to start already??!!!”  Am I a bad mother to think that way?  Send me a private email and tell me the truth!

Later that evening, Josh had a little “man to man” talk with Justin about the Nikes.  Josh  explained that  we needed to save money for our trip to see Nana and to go to Disneyworld.  I’m so glad I married Josh.  He is such a good father.  Thank you all for saying such nice things about him in the comments of the last post.  We finally resolved the “toilet seat” issue.

Yesterday was Tuesday night — and you know what that means –GIRLS NIGHT OUT. 

I just love Melissa’s new book club!   There’s no better combination than good friends, good books, and Ellie’s munchlicious raisin cookies!   For our next book, Alicia recommended Jennifer Weiner (again!), but Margaret suggested we try reading something more ethnic for a change, like a writer who is African-American or Asian.   I think it might be fun!  I know I love Asian babies.  They really are the cutest.

It’s been really hot in Redondo Beach the last few days, so I wasn’t surprised when Daphne decided to take off her blouse.  I hadn’t taken another bite of my raisin cookie when I noticed that Daphne also took off her bra.  She has such a wonder body.  I’m so jealous.  I really need to go back to Curves (yeah, like I have the time!) 

With Daphne looking so comfortable going topless, we all followed her lead.    Patty and Beth rolled onto the carpet and started making out.  Soon, we were all naked, having a lesbian orgy —

Neil:  “Hold on, hold on, what’s going on here!  Who’s sabotaging this story?”

Neil’s Penis:  “Who do you think, asshole?  You think I’m going to let you be a Mommyblogger and cut me out of the blog completely?” 

Neil:  “Hey, I was still going to share the advertising revenue with you.”

Neil’s Penis:  “And what about residuals?”

Neil:  “Well…”

Neil’s Penis:    “Do you really think I participate in this blog JUST for the money?  I like being in the posts.”

Neil:  “You do?”

Neil’s Penis:  “Sure.  I have a bit of the actor’s bug in me.  The rise and fall of dramantic action.  And there’s certainly no role for me anymore if  you’re Trish, the Mommyblogger.”

Neil:  “We could always make you Josh’s Penis.”

Neil’s Penis:  “I don’t take any f***ing secondary roles!”

Neil:  “Well, I’m sorry, but Sophia thinks advertising…”

Neil’s Penis:  “Sophia… Sophia…  I’ve never seen a man so p***y-whipped!.  If she thinks this blog is about making money, she doesn’t know crap.  Am I the only one with integrity around here?”

Neil:  “So why are we doing this blog?”

Neil’s Penis:  “Neilochka, open your eyes, you four-eyed nincompoop.  If I were running this show, I would have shtupped half of your blogroll already, including those Mommybloggers!”

Neil:  “Even Dooce?”

Neil’s Penis:  “No.  Be serious, pal.  She’s out of your league.”

Neil rushes to the window and screams out towards the East Coast.

Neil:  “Sophia, please!  Come back!   This blog is disintegrating into total nonsense without you here!”

Sophia Countdown:  Five More Weeks

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(artwork from Almost Naked Animals)

(While I wrote this blog tonight, Sophia went to some fancy “wine and cheese” class at the Culinary Institute in NYC and sat next to the “food guy” from “Queer Eye.”)  

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month I Wanna Be Taken Seriously

86 Comments

  1. Oh, like anyone would believe that someone would blog with a name like “Trish.”

    Your penis is right, as uaual.

  2. Sorry, I meant “as usual.”

    -Trish

  3. This post has it all! I love “the rise and fall of the dramatic action,” the erotica, the clever parody, and best of all THE ALMOST NAKED ANIMALS. Did you find that site through a link on HornyMatches.com (tagline: Come on Baby Light My Fire)?

    Neilochka, you can monetize me anytime. ; )

  4. i’m a mommy blogger, i think, gah!!! i actually blog more about my dog then my kids though. i need to get one of those buttons, pay for those dog treats and grooming.

  5. FAKE.
    or you would have also included a line about how much you stashed away in the college fund this week. Bragging about money is part of the mommy blog realm buddy boy.
    and this:
    While at Kohl’s all Justin could talk about was buying these ”must have” Nikes. I told him they were too expensive. He started throwing a tantrum.
    YOU MEAN TO SAY
    –While at Kohl’s all Justin could talk about was buying these ”must have” Nikes. I told him although we could buy any pair, a kid his age just didn’t need those Nikes yet. [You exert your control without talking about MONEY to the children].
    He started doing that funny little thing he does so we’ll just have to go back another day. [YOUR kids don’t throw tantrums!]–
    Now make sure we see a photo of your playroom, talk about how much all the other moms love coming to YOUR home for playdates…. and you’re set!

  6. Am I a bad mother to think that way? Send me a private email and tell me the truth!
    Heh. Hehehhh. That was funny.

    I like that the amphibians have stubble.

  7. I seem to have misplaced my backslash.

  8. I was experiencing Deja Vue, until the naked Mommy bloggers and your penis showed up.

  9. What’s with the Female Naked Animals and stubble? Neil, smooth and sexy, please! Btw, I love the penis – please let him come out and play more often! 🙂

  10. I went to that fancy Culinary Institute in NY for a “team building” event. The instructor watched me work my magic with a spatula and said, “Go have a glass of wine. I’ll take care of it.”

  11. I see that your penis has a knack for turning Mommybloggers into Desperate Housewives. Goes to show that, just like career women, Mommybloggers have tits that need occasional constant fondling.

    I kind of like the food guy from Queer Eye, but my fave one is the hair and skin care guy – because he is so good looking. Michèle once said that she was the President of Fag Hag University, but I am definitely its Provost.

  12. Hot mommy on mommy action! I would certainly make a payment on your BMW for that kind of play!

    And Justin, the little scamp… he reminds me of my own fictional son when he was that age!

  13. And this post is why I love men!!!!! their penis won’t let them take themselves too seriously! hilarious neil…

  14. Good post, Neil. Though never did I believe you could be a mommy. Are these “mommy blogs” really like that? Where do all these mommies live? Certainly not Redondo Beach?

  15. Brilliant! All of it. I was an obnoxious, obsessive mommy but “mommy blogs” make me want to throw myself in front of a train (or have a gender reassignment).

    Sophia is doing something interesting while she is away? Shouldn’t she be alone in her hotel room pining for you?

  16. The best part of the whole post is getting to the bottom and reading:
    A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: I Wanna Be Taken Seriously

  17. Oh, you make me laugh.

  18. That made my morning. Seriously. Although if you ever do a “I want to be a Single Girl Blogger” and make fun of me, it is ON.

  19. sounds like someone needs to visit horny matches dot com!

  20. You said “shtupped.” I love that word. Or perhaps I love making the local Orthodox community run away from me in embarrassment.

    Who knows!

  21. Whew! I almost stopped reading Trish’s blog, I’m so glad your penis took over. Don’t change a thing Neilochka. Not a thing about your blog 🙂

    Well, except, bring Sophia back. We miss her too!

  22. I for one am finding your slide into dementia quite entertaining…

  23. Thank god, Neil is back. I don’t know who was writing the last, oh, five posts, but at least they’re DONE. Whew.

    It’s troubling that the turtle is wearing the bra under the shell and the knickers over it.

    When a turtle gets dressed, does it take off the shell, put on its clothes, then put the shell back on?

  24. I am glad I am not the only woman who is glad the penis took over. Err, uh, you know what I mean. ABSOLUTELY hilarious post.

    hugs,

  25. LMAO!!! Best Mommyblog post I’ve ever read! 😉

    3T

  26. The rise and fall of dramantic action.

    Hahaha… genius. I was saddened by the lack of post for my east coast work schdule yesterday, but this definitely made up.

  27. The biggest inspiration in my life, besides my great aunt Tilly, who was born without ears but still managed to become the conductor of the Tulsa Symphony Orchestra, is Dooce.

    About there, is where I started laughing uncontrollably. Funniest shit ever.

  28. Neil, this post was “munchlicious.”

  29. You have the ‘mommy blog’ thing down cold. Scrapbooking….

  30. I find that my blogs are often hijacked and end up on a different track than the one I had intended and I wish just a little bit that you had let Trish continue. A year and a half into working on divorce and I found myself reaching for a pencil to jot down those sites for when the divorce is complete. If the conclusion of this divorce takes as long as the starting did, I may be ready for some seedy match sites – if I am not too old to even worry about sex by then.
    Oh and when the divorce is final, give Trish my e-mail and ask her to contact me… or maybe that makes me sound as desperate as I am becoming.

    * *

  31. Ah, you fucker. This was hilarious.

    My own mommyblogging should be so deadpannedly atrociously good.

  32. Neil, of course Horny Matches dot com is your demographic – you have the ONLY posting penis in the blogosphere!

  33. Wow, you had me worried there until your penis jumped in.

    OK, that didn’t sound right.

  34. I’m done blogging about my shopping experiences for school clothes, my stupid bookclubs or other little quips about my boring ass mommy existence. I never really knew how retarded it sounded. Now I just need to get me a penis that speaks. Somehow a p*** that speaks isn’t so funny.

  35. A parody of a mommy blogger is just as bad as the real thing. I was about to leave, but the bra came off just in time. Boy, I love your penis, Neil. And I can honestly say that I’ve never told that to a man before.

  36. Brilliant post, but aren’t you worried about offending mommybloggers? They could totally kick your ass–they have armies of followers to do their dirty work. 😉

  37. Cool! Sophia and I only have one degree of separation (aside from her reading my blog from NYC). I met Ted the Food Guy several months ago on his cookbook tour.

    That’s truly the best mommy blog ever. Keep it up. Please. Neil’s Penis would prefer it be kept “up,” as well, I’m sure. After all, like you said, he digs the “rise and fall.”

  38. Does Justin have a talking penis, too?

  39. oh my. i thoroughly enjoyed this. well done, neil, well done indeed. 😉

    you’re so damned funny.

  40. Oh, thank god I can never be a mommy blogger, I don’t have a Josh or a college fund for my kids and I use the F word entirely too often. Do they have po’ single, white trash, mommy blogs?

    I still think your penis needs his own blog, though.

  41. wicked funny. was the use of “munchlicious” to foreshadow the lesbian orgy? or maybe jennifer weiner did the trick. mommyblogger rules, even if it’s taken over in the middle. i’d advertise on it.

  42. Ah, from mocking mommy blogging, to talking genitalia, to disturbing half-nekkid animals, to pining away for your beloved gal, and all so perfectly flowing. This is why I love ya… and because you are probably the only person on earth hornier than me.

  43. Oh, and thanks for the lil’ bit-o-porn.

  44. I think you could make a lot of money as the mommy blogger Trish with the talking penis.

  45. I see a side project in the wings!

  46. Two more lines out of Trish and I was never coming back.

  47. You have the gift, brother! The GIFT! I’ve been laughing so hard they’re throwing me out of starbucks. Seriously, you want to make some money, you SHOULD officially be a mommy blogger. You’re much funnier than ANY OF US!

  48. My friend knows the grooming guy in Queer Eye. The ads shit is no big deal like I told you, unless you’re like DOOCE THE QUEEN OF THE MOMMY BLOGGERS and can get the mortgage paid!

  49. trish, a REAL mommyblogger knows that the “food guy” is ted allen.

  50. Thank god the penis spoke up. I thought you were going to start talking about your Bunco group.

  51. Well, we can’t all be be Edgy Hawt Nekkid Orgy-Loving Mommybloggers, right?

  52. Would Mommy have a talking vagina? Penis and Vagina could get together and do a skit. Oh, that sounded dirty.

  53. If Trish mentioned Crocs, I was gonna vomit a little in my mouth. Honest.

  54. Maybe you should start TransvestiteMommyBloggers.com

  55. Sophia will be too late, at this rate.

  56. Dooce, why does everyone covet her so much??? I just do not get it…..

  57. Wendy, are you crazy? Do you want to get us all blacklisted?

    note: Wendy was only joking about Dooce. Ha Ha. Wendy forgot to take her Paxil this morning. Ha Ha. She didn’t know what she was saying. Ha Ha…

  58. Very good Neil’s penis!! I could see the lesbian orgy coming a mile away, but loved it nonetheless. The journey was a good one. (ANd the half naked animals were nice too.)

  59. One syllable of this post was better than Dooce, and I’m not saying that out of envy because i have to interest in making my living through blogging, but to me, the best writers are versatile and don’t have to bang a subject to death. If Dooce didn’t have a child, what would she write about? ick! I feel bad for her daughter who is forced to have her entire, beautiful life chronicled by a mediocre writer. I know that sounds harsh but gees, she is so overrated, esp compared to the originality and versatility of your writing.

  60. nooooooooooo…mommy blogger! Noooooooo…..

  61. Wow, that is scary how well you were able to simulate a mommyblog! I just looked at Dooce for the first time and was immediately turned off by the endless ads. Yuck. And why can’t you leave comments on her site? What arrogance! Okay, I’m clearly jealous that she’s been able “monetize” her blog. If she were getting 10 hits a day I’d probably be extolling the virtues of her writing (which I still haven’t read).

  62. Sophia met Ted Allen? I’m so jealous, I love him. Though not as much as I adore you and not just because your penis is so amazingly articulate.

  63. Oh, Danny, I look forward to the day when I shut down the comments, except for my own, of course. And people just come to bask in my aura and to click on my Horny Matches ads, filling my pockets with enough money to hire English majors at Princeton to write up my blog posts for me.

  64. Hilarious – especially the whole “rise and fall” with regards to your penis…and the comment above!

    Basking in your aura – Jules

  65. Neil, I came back to read the rest of the comments that were left for you today and I may just make this blog a static favorite; it is sure to get comments left for some time that get me laughing almost as much as the original blog did. You are a master!

  66. You know I was thinking “where is this going” with Trish’s Mommyblogger book club and then…then…there was the penis! The penis which is the scourge of female existence, except, of course, during sexual activity.

    Too damn funny! I shouldn’t be reading about an annoyed penis and guffawing as I’m in my office right now, but you’ve made me a giggling instructor.

    Well, at least it’s taken my mind off of another penis gone bad: John Mayer and Jessica Simpson? Okay, for the penis possessors, that’s not a penis gone bad, but a penis victory.

  67. Thank God for the Penis intervention because Mommyblogger was becoming uberly annoying and triggering my homicidal tendencies for all that is pretty and pink!

  68. Hysterical… and refreshing to see such a macho guy so in touch with his feminine side.

  69. Neil, can you please put the picture of the baby in your masthead? He is so adorable. I just smile everytime I see his cute chubby face in the lion outfit. Makes you want to pinch his little punim!

  70. We recently were forced to move our book club to a public venue because it kept degenerating to either orgies or pillow fights before we could finish our discussion.

    Oddly enough, the same things kept happening when I lived in the dorms of my all women’s Catholic College.

  71. This is the very best commentary on mommy blogging that i’ve ever read. You and your penis rock, Neil. Rock on with your cock, mon.

  72. Love the blogs that have Dooce linked–as if she would ever read their blogs, comment or link

    Keep getting emails asking me to read books that my readers will definetly love—other things that would require my time, but nothing for me. Shoot an email back with one word “Why?”

    You are the best mommy blogger. Though my personal favorites from real mommy blogs: “Hannah pooped perfectly yesterday.”

    80 comment about how wonderful this is–not that Hannah ever has a problem pooping—the mommy just likes writing about it

  73. Hilarious! Love your send-up of the Mommy bloggers – and the intervention.

  74. Oh, Neil. So predictable! I KNEW your PENIS had taken over when the words “munchlicious,” and “Weiner” were used in the same paragraph. You need to get a hold of yourself.

    Where is Sophia tonight? I would like to meet up with her for a topless pillow fight NYC style.

    XO
    Lynn

    PS: I noticed that I am blogrolled under the “tuna” section. How very fitting.

  75. wait, so is trish a lesbian, or bisexual?

  76. You are completely daft, wonderfully articulate and utterly readable. Great stuff, keep it up and I’ll be back – A London Mummy called Elizabeth 🙂

  77. Totally inspired me to start a mommy blog.

  78. That was uncannily mommie-like. Do you do JC Penny drag too?

    Those cartoons are a tame-wild wonder.

  79. Oh, that was vague of me. I found it funny too.

  80. mommyblogging makeS MONEY? Cripes, I’m going to have to quit with the content and just go for a recitation of what it’s like to be me. A mommy. With a blog.

    Ummmmm, maybe not. I prefer to pretend I’m more interesting that that, and am willing to accept being poor and poorly-read in exchange. There’s only so far a girl can whore herself out, after all.

  81. oh good lord that was funny.
    sometimes I feel like spoofing “the paris blogger” but even without naming names I’d just make (more?) enemies that way.
    hurrah for blog parodies.

  82. Your penis is very, very wise. It must be like a mentor to you.

  83. I wish you could see me here doubled over my bureau. So what if everybody thinks am a nutter case for (apparently) laughing out loud for no reason?  Is it humanly possible to be this funny? You’ve got to have a secret! lol!  From what Adeline (chezwhat.blogspot.com) says, Shoe-Bloggers too attract a lot of attention! God knows why!

    Fitèna

  84. Hilarious post, Neil. Trish and I will have to hold a catfight for bragging rights as alpha mommy blogger of Redondo Beach.

  85. Bastard. Mommy blogs do important work….keeping Mommies off crack. Bastard!

  86. Whenever I need a good laugh, I’m just going to head to your archives.

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