I noticed that one of my readers was participating in a "sex survey," so I quickly followed the link, all excited about adding my two cents. When I got to the site, I was disappointed that all the questions were for WOMEN.
Here I was, hoping to have some fun on a Monday night, and I was excluded. But this is the internet, true? And I’m supposed to be a writer, right? I’ve created female characters before. I think I know women pretty well. I even once imagined life as a woman.
So, why not try to answer this sex survey honestly, as IF I WERE A WOMAN.
Maybe this will even help me get in touch with the feminine side of my personality.
So, here is Evercurious’s Sex Survey, with my answers AS A WOMAN:
1. Do you orgasm faster or easier when you masturbate?
Hmmm… let’s see. If we are assuming that I am a woman and my partner is someone like my male self, and knowing first hand my abilities with women, I think the answer is clearly —
2. If you use a toy, do you prefer penetration or clitoral stimulation?
A toy… let’s see. Even though I’m supposedly a woman, I need to go into my own male past to better understand the question. The only "toys" I ever remember using were when I was a teenager. I was proud that all my pubic hair had finally grown in. I had these two little green plastic soldiers that I used to play "war" with as a child. I found it amusing to put these two soldiers in the middle of all the hair, as if they were trapped in the jungles of Vietnam. I remember humming the the Wagner music from "Apocalypse Now." I imagined my two soldiers hiding in the "jungle" as the Vietcong approached. I guess if I were a woman, there would be more places for the soldiers to hide. I think that would also probably be very stimulating.
ANSWER: CLITORAL STIMULATION
3. What is one thing you would never do in bed?
ANSWER: EAT COOKIES THAT MAKE CRUMBS
4. Approximately how short or long of a time does it take you to please yourself?
I’ve been lucky enough to please myself in as short a period as the length of one of those Overstock.com commercials where that hot woman keeps saying, "It’s all about the ‘O.’"
ANSWER: SIXTY SECONDS
5. Do you sometimes wish you would have just gone it alone after sex? (as in you are more productive alone.)
Again, are we talking about having my male self as the partner?
ANSWER: GO IT ALONE
6. What is your favorite form of contraception?
7. Which matters most? Girth or length?
Tough one. I think I could better relate again by thinking of something in my past. When I had my Bar-Mitzvah, I wore a tie that was short, but very wide in girth. Does anyone remember those ties? Those "wide ties" were once very fashionable.
In the 1980’s I wore one of those skinny "New Wave band" ties that the "Talking Heads" would wear. They were long and skinny.
I don’t wear too many ties nowadays, but if I had to choose one, it would be the long, skinny one. People would think I’m trying to look "retro." If I wore the "girthy" wide tie, I would just look like a dork.
8. What is your favorite position? (If an odd ball position, please describe.)
ANSWER: THE ONE WHERE I HAVE TO DO THE LEAST AMOUNT OF WORK
9. What is your favorite enhancement (toy, lube, contraption, etc.) to add to the fun of sex?
I once bought handcuffs, but I wasn’t sure how to use it. How do you get it to fit around the penis?
ANSWER: BIG SCREEN TV PLAYING "THE SIMPSONS"
10. When is your favorite time to masturbate? Have sex?
I subscribe to the same policy as Canter’s Deli on Fairfax Blvd.
ANSWER: OPEN 24 HOURS
Eat cookies that make crumbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh crap! I’m off to put more foil on my head. I don’t appreciate you reading my mind for your female sex survey NEIL! (Except you answered number seven incorrectly.)
Yuck! I didn’t like this one at all, too raunchy. maybe keep it cleaner.
You’d make a great woman, honest.
On second thoughts… don’t change a thing.
You know, there’s a name for a guy who pretends to be a girl and talks about sex. I don’t know what that name is, but Eddie Murphy called, looking for you.
You’re hysterical Neil! LOL. Glad to see that you’re man enough to participate in a sex survey for women. Good answers. 😉
i’m with melliferous, i would have answered the same way (including the simpsons), except maybe 7. but that tie thing really had me in stitches…
i’d say, stick with being a man neil. i think we are all safer that way.
and personally, i’d vote for girth over length. at least today that is my vote. 🙂
This one had me laughing out loud – man, that was funny. I’d comment more but I’m going out to buy some toy soldiers….
Great one! I’d vote for girth also.
All you need to do is keep it in the pants – thats my answer to everything these days.
I am a lesbian trapped in a mans body.
Old line, but I still like it.
I’m with you on most everything…
Except the tie and the Simpsons. Wide ties are coming back! And, I can’t be having the distraction of the Simpsons while I’m trying to get down!!!
It’s like that Seinfeld episode where Jerry askes Elaine about her date and she says, “I had the lobster bisque, we went back to his place, yada, yada, yada…” “But you skipped over the best part!” “No, I mentioned the bisque…”
ok… the green army men visual a little to vivid for me.
girth will always make up for length.
doing while the simpsons are on a big screen?? will you marry me?
Neil. You. are. too. funny. for. words.
You make a terrible woman really, but a hysterical one.
hmm. although i enjoyed the sex talk, i’m not sure i’m diggin you thinking from a woman’s perspective. not that it’s horrible, just weird. if you are gonna talk about sex, tell us some raunchy stories… 🙂
Umm…I think my sexy slut lady swing worked on you!
during the course of this survey I pictured that ULtra Fast Dude from Kinsey (you know the one)the 20 second guy…
So now I’m “one of your readers”? You know you got that off of my comments! And no, I did not answer the questions. Some things I prefer to keep behind closed doors. (insert dirty laugh here)
Straightlaced and Jenny — sorry if I weirded you out, although I find that amusing.
Melliferous, Danielle, Ms. Sizzle, Leesa, Heather, ACG — Thank you for making me a better virtual “woman.” Although I’d hate to be now known as a “size queen.”
Justin — man of few words.
Brooke — I answered the questions. Don’t you think it is only fair that you email me your answers?
Pervert. I hope Sophia is reading this.
She is. And that’s what she loves about me. Now about those answers…
hehehehe….That was hilarious! But still, I say stick to being a man.
And where do you find, and how do you choose your artwork? Is that a Carravaggio? (Just checking if that art history class did any good this summer.)
Neil, you have entirely too much free time on your hands.
Mo — Rembrandt’s Woman in Bed.
Oh my God. This post has firmly planted my “blog crush” on you back in my heart. You are SO one of the girls.
(But, to be honest, I might have a hard time reading your blog in the future because the image of your toy soldiers in your pubs might come back to haunt me.)
This just in from CBS news stock report — sales of toy soldiers rise 300% since early this week…
Again, I am late on this one but I was sitting a cyber cafe and everyone was staring at me. Thanks Neil for making a fool of me. I think I need to go change my diapers. Go figure.
Army men in your pubic hair? Do men actually DO this? I need to know.