Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: Misc. Humor (page 2 of 4)

The Blogosphere’s 2007 Class Photos

It’s that time again, when many in the blogosphere get together with their “blogging groups” for the annual class photos and the signing of the yearbooks.   Will everyone continue blogging through September, or will they be lost to a “summer love?”

grad3.jpg
2007 Class Photo of the Mommybloggers

grad7.jpg
2007 Class Photo of the Dating Bloggers

grad4.jpg
2007 Class Photo of the “How to Monetize Your Blog” Bloggers

grad8.jpg
2007 Class Photo of the Knitting Bloggers

grad1.jpg
2007 Class Photo of the Shopping Bloggers

grad11.jpg
2007 Class Photo of the Sex Bloggers

grad2.jpg
2007 Class Photo of the Celebrity Bloggers

grad5.jpg
2007 Class Photo of the Readers of “Citizen of the Month”

The Rabbi’s Film

filmreel.jpg 

As assistant rabbi at Bnai Shalom, Rabbi David Klein frequently received personal packages from his congregants, usually cookies or muffins sent to his home, kosher of course, as a thank you for him officiating at some bratty kid’s bar mitzvah.  This package was different.  The box was large and heavy.  After he ripped it open, Rabbi Klein saw that it was filled with 35mm film reels.  Attached to the top reel, was a letter:

Dear Rabbi,

If you are reading this, I have passed away to the better world.  I’m sure you did a terrific job at the memorial service and were able to drum up at least twenty mourners.  If you haven’t had the ceremony yet, please make sure that you order the expensive lox for the nosh afterwards, and not the inferior stuff they had for Max Feinstein’s funeral.  I lived a long and fruitful life.  Sadly, my work consumed me and I never married or started a family.  That is why I leave you my prized possessions — all the negatives and films that I have produced throughout the years.

Morris

“I didn’t know Morris was a filmmaker,” said Rachel, Rabbi Klein’s wife, who was looking over the rabbi’s shoulder.  “Let’s see one of his films.” 

The rabbi’s wife, a 1996 graduate of NYU Film School, took out an old projector from the closet and started screening the film on the wall by the living room couch.  As the title was emblazoned on the wall, Rabbi Klein took a loud gulp:  the film was called  “The Plumber Always Cums Twice.”   For several minutes, Rabbi Klein and his wife stared at the wall as if in shock, their eyes ablaze, the only sound in the room being the repetitive motion of the projector.

The film opens with a half-undressed housewife opening the front door for a hunky plumber with a hardbody and a glint in his eye, the type of plumber you would never actually see in real life.

“I need my sink unclogged,” purrs the housewife.

“Right away, Ma’am” he replies.

“Let me just put on something a little more comfortable.” 

Soon, they are making love on the kitchen table, in the bedroom, in the shower, and finally on the washing machine in the basement, where she almost faints from her orgasm.

The film ends with the housewife walking the plumber to the front door.  She is wearing a purple bathrobe and has a huge smile on her face.

“Thank you,” she tells the plumber.  “You did an excellent job.”

“I’m glad you’re pleased.” he laughs.  “Call me again if you ever need any more work done!”

THE END

“That was scandalous!” yelled Rabbi Klein, as the last frame went through the projector and the filmreel started flapping in the air.  He started dragging the box to the garbage.

“We should burn these!”

“No, wait!” said the rabbi’s wife, placing her hand on his.   “Maybe God had a reason for these films to come to you.”

“That’s meshuganah!  What possible reason can there be?  Every commandment is broken in this story.”

“Let me have a chance to edit the film.  Maybe together, we can transform what is sinful into something new, something even educational for the congregation.”

Rabbi Klein saw how eager his wife was to do this project.   He knew how much she missed her film-making  career, which she put on hold to play her role as rabbi’s wife.  Besides, he could never say no to his beautiful wife.

“Let’s give it a try!” said Rabbi Klein.

His wife dusted off her old editing machine, and they went to work re-cutting the film.  Rabbi Klein had a brainstorm and they re-named the film, “The Plumber’s Moral Choice.”  

The film opens with a half-undressed housewife opening the front door for a hunky plumber with a hardbody and a glint in his eye, the type of plumber you would never actually see in real life.

“I need my sink unclogged,” purrs the housewife.

“Right away, Ma’am” he replies.

“Let me just put on something a little more comfortable.” 

As she exits the room, the image FREEZES on the face of the plumber, as we hear his thoughts in VOICEOVER (recorded by the rabbi himself):

The Plumber:  Hmmm… while she’s away I could probably use less expensive parts, then charge her the full price.  And then, she might need to call me again for more work, and I can charge her some more.  I could make a bundle off of this client, even charging extra for labor while I’m just moving things back and forth under the sink, wasting time.  But WAIT a minute!  What am I thinking?  I can’t do that.  This is wrong.  This is immoral.  Wasn’t it Rabbi Hillel who said, “What is hateful to you, do not do unto others!”    I should be a role model for other plumbers.  That’s right.  I’m going to do the best job possible as her plumber!”

The film ends with the housewife walking the plumber to the front door.  She is wearing a purple bathrobe and has a huge smile on her face.

“Thank you,” she tells the plumber.  “You did an excellent job.”

“I’m glad you’re pleased.” he laughs.  “Call me again if you ever need any more work done!”

THE END

Rabbi Klein was very happy with the final result.   He and his wife had turned something seedy into something uplifting. 

That Saturday night, Rabbi Klein convened his congregation for a special “movie night” and had the world premiere of “The Plumber’s Moral Choice” right in the temple sanctuary.  After the screening, the congregants applauded the film with enthusiasm.   One after another, people came up to Rabbi Klein and complimented him on making “religion come alive” for them.

After all the accolades, Rabbi Klein saw that he was being beckoned by an elderly man with a beard, who was sitting in the last row.  This was Rabbi Josephson, the Rabbi Emeritus AND the founder of the synagogue.   Rabbi Klein fidgeted nervously.

“Go on,” said Rabbi Klein’s wife, trying to encourage him to not be afraid of his mentor.

Rabbi Klein dragged himself down the center aisle, looking as sheepish as he did the first time he blew the shofar at the Rosh Hashanah service.  He was afraid of Rabbi Josephson’s opinion of his unorthodox teaching methods.  Rabbi Klein sighed with relief when he saw the elder rabbi smiling and nodding in approval.

“I’m very impressed” says Rabbi Josephson.

“I’m so glad you liked it.   I think it is important to find new ways to reach our congregants about moral issues.”

“Absolutely!” said Rabbi Josephson, patting the younger rabbi’s arm.  “The only question I have is — those actors certainly seem familiar to me.  Weren’t they also in “The Plumber Always Cums Twice?”

Oh, Zeus

zeus.jpg

According to the BBC

Followers of the 12 Greek Gods, who, according to mythology, ruled the Ancient World from Mount Olympus, have cast a thunderbolt at their Orthodox opponents.

After successfully staging a landmark ceremony at the Temple of Olympian Zeus in Athens, their leader pledged to fight for the right to conduct baptisms, marriages, and funerals according to the rites of the ancient religion.

“We are a legitimate religion. But the authorities don’t let us do this, but we shall claim this right through the European Union,” said Doretta Peppa, the high priestess, who led the prayers next to the 15 remaining columns of the temple.

“It is time we reclaimed our religion from the misrepresentations of the modern world,” announced Ms. Peppa. “First there were all those bad Hercules movies,  then the second banana in the Rocky films was named “Apollo” Creed, and the worst offense — there wasn’t one, but TWO cheesy “Poseidon” Adventures.  How would you like it if we named Zeus’ nerdy little cousin one of your Gods?  How about Jesus or Muhammed?  I didn’t think so.”

Followers of 12 Greek Gods have quickly organized, and the temple has already created a popular “Sisterhood” and a “Men’s Club.”  Sisterhood President, Aire Stophelese, has called for February to be “Social Action Month,” in which they will refuse to sleep with their husbands until all unfinished chores are finished in the house.

The revival of this ancient religion has angered many in the Greek Orthodox church, which strongly disapproves of what it regards as paganism.  Schisms have also developed between friends and families with differing views on the religion. 

Tensions remain particularly high in the Pusadapolis family.  This Sunday, as Eddie Pusadapolis and his mother, Aegina, sent prayers to Mount Olympus, Eddie’s father, Spridon, attended his Greek Orthodox church, as he does every week. 

“They have been brainwashed by a dangerous cult,” insists Spriridon.  “There is only one true God!”

“I don’t care what my father says,” retorts Eddie Pusadapolis.  “Who does he think he is? A king?!  Sometimes I wish I could just kill him and marry my own mother!” he continued, as he lovingly took his mother’s hand and helped her up the steps to the Temple mount.

Why I Write

manwrites.jpg

Of all the questions that I am asked, probably the most common is, “Why do you write?” This is actually a very difficult question to answer. Writing is something that comes from deep inside one’s soul. For me, weaving a tale is very much like how a knitter weaves a sweater. It requires work, attention, focus, and inspiration.

Writing is a way to express myself, to touch the heart and mind of a reader. I think my writing appeals to a certain reader, usually someone with a Master’s Degree or Doctorate and is a lover of poetry and the classics.

book1.jpg

I’ve always dreamt of being a novelist, and to share my own thoughts and feelings with like-minded intellectuals and artists.

book9.jpg

Sometimes, as I write, I like to imagine my readers as they hold my writing in their hands and I transport them into another world.

book31.jpg

I like the fact that through my words, I can make them cry or even lift their spirits like balloons.

book4.jpg

I love to communicate. Sometimes, I wish I could just reach out from inside my own words and show my appreciation to my readers.

book10.jpg

I especially love it when I can personally touch them.

book5.jpg

Of course, I also write for myself. Nothing gives me more pleasure than coming up with a well-turned phrase or a poetic way of expressing myself. But I wouldn’t be satisfied if I knew I wasn’t also pleasuring my faithful readers with the power of my words and stories.

book7.jpg

Sometimes I struggle with my writing, like today. On days like that, I try to motivate myself by thinking about a future reader, an intelligent, thoughtful individual, taking my first novel home from the library, curling up in bed at night, and reading me until she can’t read anymore, then waking up in the morning and reading me again.

book8.jpg

That’s why I write. Why do you write?

(all photos from Babes with Books) — you can find anything online!

Update:  Just a note, to those who who accuse me of only writing for an audience of big-breasted woman:  that is absurd, especially after seeing all the trouble Sophia has to go through to find a bra that properly fits.   What a pleasure it must be to go through life without having to wear a bra!  I salute you!  You are in my thoughts just as frequently as everyone with a size D!  Please examine photos 2 and 3 as evidence of women who don’t fit into the category of “big-bazoomed.”  

Let me also go on record that my readership goes far beyond the all-white women on the Babes with Books website.  I can think of nothing more satisying than my first novel being the “monthly pick” of the Compton Ladies’ Book Group:

book11.jpg

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Beverly Hills Doctor

Message from Time Magazine

time2.jpg

This week, we chose YOU as the Person of the Year because:

 “In 2006, the World Wide Web became a tool for bringing together the small contributions of millions of people and making them matter.”

Three days later, the editors here at Time Magazine have decided that the Year of “You” has officially ended, due to an online blogger holiday concert that started out as a day for holiday cheer, but quickly denigrated into a night of chaos, violence, and protest.

concert2.jpg

Events at the concert unfurled quickly as two female bloggers sang similar versions of “Santa Baby.”  Fists started flying after Pam of Nerd’s Eye View called Erin of Villanovababy a “Britney wannabe who should stick to her stupid blog.”  Erin of Villanovababy simply said, “Pam is a blogging bitch who can stick her ukulele up her ***.”

Several bloggers were asked to leave the Hyatt Hotel on LA’s Sunset Strip after trashing the “Presidential Suite” in an after-concert bash. 

“I’ve never seen such sick depravity in all my years as hotel manager.  It was like a wild drunken orgy, except they used their laptops!” said Richard Ortiz, a 25-year veteran in the business.

Many bloggers were disappointed in the management of the concert.  Outcries of nepotism were heard because bloggers were only allowed to perform one song each, but Sophia Lansky of Redondo Beach, was allowed TWO songs.  An anonymous caller, a disgruntled blogger who goes by the alias of “Brooke,” said that Ms. Lansky isn’t even a blogger.  Further research revealed that the Ms. Lansky is the separated wife of the concert organizer, Neil “Neilochka” Kramer.  Requests for an interview were refused.

Disruptions to the concert are expected to continue this evening as Al Sharpton prepares to lead a large protest march against the Holiday concert. 

“Despite being called a Christmahanukwanzaakah Concert, not ONE song for Kwanzaa was included in the festivities.” said Mr. Sharpton. “It is not surprising that this concert was organized by someone named “Kramer.””

Time Magazine deeply regrets picking ordinary people to be Time Person of the Year. 

“If this is what happens when bloggers get together, forget this s**t about YOU.” said a senior editor.  “We should have just picked Tiger Woods!”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the MonthBlogging the Big Event

A Russian Hannukah

hannukah31.jpg

The last reminder:  The online Holiday concert is Wednesday (see sidebar).  Get me your songs, links, or photos by Tuesday night, or Wednesday morning the latest.   Some of the stuff I have received is amazingly good, but you don’t have to be a professional (or even that talented) to participate.  One blogger is even thinking of recording a song on her cell phone and sending the attachment to me.  Now that is the holiday spirit!

Larry King and the Baby Photos

larry2.jpg

LARRY KING, CNN HOST: Tonight, for the first time on TV, we see the photos of probably the most famous baby in the world today. And we meet the editor who spent hours with this baby’s famous parents. What was that like? What were they like?

It’s all next on LARRY KING LIVE.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

KING: Good evening. We’re here with our special guest — Neil Kramer, the features editor of Citizen of the Month. He’s in Los Angeles, having spent an enormous amount of time admiring, observing, and photographing Su Lin, the new baby panda cub at the San Diego Zoo, as well as spending time with her well-known parents, Bai Yum and Gao Gao. How did you get this unique opportunity?

panda4.jpg

NEIL KRAMER, EDITOR OF CITIZEN OF THE MONTH: It’s incredible isn’t it? I had been in touch with the giant panda parents for quite a while and finally they called me and said I should come down to the zoo. I spend hours there and I had unprecedented access to their home. I was able to go in every room. No door was closed to me. It was unbelievable that Bai Yun and Gao Gao let me into their private life like that. It was absolutely something that I was so excited to be a part of.

KING: Did you expect to be at the panda exhibit all day?

KRAMER: No actually. I expected to only spend an hour or two, and then, you know, the shoot just kept getting more and more interesting and we all were having such a great time.

KING: The photo you used on your blog looks like an emotional shot for Bai Yun and Gao Gao, any particular reason the way it was shot that way and why you picked that for the main photo?

pandazoo.jpg

KRAMER: Yes. That’s a fabulous story. I was at the favorite spot of the family, which is called Panda Village. The sun was setting. The baby panda was looking straight at the camera. Bai Yun and Gao Gao were looking down at the baby and I shot that picture. And, at that moment, everyone became a little bit emotional because we knew we had it. That was definitely going to be the blog photo. There was no question about it.

KING: The grandmother I understand got emotional, huh?

KRAMER: Yes. Gao Gao’s mother was looking at her granddaughter and her future daughter-in-law to be and she started to cry. And then all of us started to get really emotional. And, Gao Gao was fighting back the tears. We talked about that moment later and he said he just — it was all so much and the beauty of the place. It was incredible.

KING: Feeding the baby that giant piece of bamboo was that photo — set up?

panda4.jpg

KRAMER: No, the baby was hungry, and the sun was starting to set and she just felt like doing that and it was a great moment.

KING: Gao Gao said this to you about fatherhood. “My whole life I always wanted to be a father.” Was that evident in the way he was?

KRAMER: Absolutely. I was so happy to see this family all so happy together, hanging out together, so comfortable with each other. They just are happy. They’re smiling all the time. They love to tell stories. They’re a very warm and open family.

KING: What was it like for you the first time you saw Sui Lin?

KRAMER: Well, I walked up and I saw this beautiful woman holding this adorable baby and then Gao Gao standing next to — and they’re all waving at me and they’re so excited that I was there. And the baby looked exactly to me like Gao Gao. And I just couldn’t wait to hold the baby, which I did.

KING: I love this photo. Of mother and daughter.

panda3.jpg

KRAMER: That is a beautiful shot. You can see how happy they all are and the baby… as you can see lifting her head. She’s gorgeous.

KING: Is that baby as happy as she appears?

KRAMER: That baby is smiling and cooing and giggling. It’s a really happy baby, yes, it is.

KING: A quote from Bai Yun, “The moment the doctor handed me Su Lin, I was just ready. The feeling is indescribable. All I can say is the moment I looked in her eyes I felt like Mom.”

KRAMER: Yes.

KING: What kind of mom is she?

KRAMER: Bai Yun is an incredible mother just the way she holds that baby and looks at — that baby looks at her. They have such a connection. She’s very hands on. They have very little help, you know. Actually, they’re very — they’re a very normal family. I mean what you read in the zoo promotional materials and then when you see them it’s just there’s no connection. It’s just this great, happy family. I can’t — I can’t stress enough how normal the whole thing seemed and I know I was with the biggest attraction in the San Diego zoo. But I keep coming back to the fact that, you know, when they’re holding their baby they’re like every parent in the world, you know, doting parents.

KING: Is Bai Yun a Buddhist or is she becoming one to please Gao Gao?

KRAMER: I really don’t know that, Larry.

KING: Did you discuss that at all?

KRAMER: I did not discuss that at all, no.

KING: Was that a condition of the blog post or not?

KRAMER: Oh, no. There were no conditions at all, no, no, no.

KING: Neil Kramer, you pulled off a coup.

KRAMER: Yes, to see a baby like that… born… from a mother… and loved by parents… it’s so special nowadays to see that… so unique and amazing…

KING: Thanks, Neil.

KRAMER: Thank you, Larry.

(based on CNN transcript of Larry King and Vanity Fair editor Jane Sarkin “discussing” the Suri Cruise photos in Vanity Fair)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Love Songs

Neil’s Penis’s Dating Rules for Men

daters2.jpg

Hello, I’m Neil’s Penis. Today I’ll be guest-blogging on “Citizen of the Month” because Neil is in the corner crying like a little wimp over Sophia. I have no idea why God punished me by attaching me to such a girly-man.

Now I know that Neil likes to be all cutesy on his blog, but I’m NOT Neil. I’m here to rant. And if there is one thing that gets my goat it’s all these so-called “experts” online giving dating advice. I especially hate it when they give advice to men because it is always bull***t written either by a gay dude, a clueless single guy who wouldn’t know what to do with his c**k if he had a chance, or some bitter broad who can’t find a man as good as her daddy. If anyone should give dating advice to men, you know who it should be? — ME! Is there anyone out there who knows as much about women as me? Neil might be a hopeless dummy, but I realize that with one snap of my finger, I can have half of Neilochka’s blogroll in bed catering to me. Because I know what makes a woman tick.

Now, I’ve seen some dumb sites in my time, but nothing is as idiotic as AskMen.com. Who the f**k are these “men” that are writing this crap — some New York pussywhipped eunuchs who rush down to Zabar’s every time their girlfriend wants some organic goat cheese?

In this lame article, AskMen’s “relationship correspondent” decides to help single men with the Top 10 “Secret Dating Rules.”

So, men, grab a manly leather chair. Listen to the s**t this moron says, and then hear what a real expert — ME! — has to say. Take my advice and I guarantee that you will be f***ing like a pro in no time!

Here is the introduction to this AskMen idiocy:

AskMen: “For as long as there have been men and women, there have been dating and dating rituals. Being the sly hunters we are, men have built up a reservoir of knowledge and cunning over the millennia on how to successfully woo the ladies over the first few weeks of a courtship.

There are many fish in the sea, and there are many baiting procedures you can use to reel them in. And though many women may be aware of some of our strategies, they surely don’t know of all of them. Let’s keep it that way, gentlemen. Keep these timeless secret dating tips under your hat and enjoy the learning process.”

Neil’s Penis: “Am I right about this writer being an asshole? I mean — do we even have to go any further?”

Dating “Rule” #10 — Wait three days before calling back

AskMen: “The idea behind this dating rule of thumb is to make sure that your new squeeze doesn’t think you’re desperate to see her. And it’s become a golden rule because it often works. Many women know the dating game, and want to see if their new man can play it…”

Neil’s Penis: “Utter nonsense. Of course this is the “Golden Rule.” She knows it is the stupid rule. Everyone who has ever seen a movie knows it is THE rule. So, are you gonna follow the rule? Of course not! Not if you want to get the pick of the litter babes. If you wait three days, you are telling the woman that you are nothing more than middle manager material who follows the rules and that the best you can do in the bedroom is the missionary position for four minutes flat. Did Alexander the Great follow the rules? Did Napoleon? Napoleon was a short little nudnik, but he got to f**k the hot Josephine every night — because he didn’t follow the rules. I say — call her up ten minutes after you get home. Then call her again an hour later. Show her that YOU follow your OWN rules, and she’ll be doing the Kama Sutra with you in no time.”

Dating “Rule” #9 — Take her where everyone knows your name

AskMen: “Another way to impress your new woman early in the game is to go somewhere where you already have a great reputation. By taking her to one of your usual haunts, you’ll get to showcase your smooth self in action among your vast circle of acquaintances…”

Neil’s Penis: WTF?! Is this guy kidding? You’re a single guy. What establishment knows your damn name? It certainly ain’t Cheers. It IS the strip joint. The Thai massage parlor. The sleazy dive where you once felt up that bartender’s mother in the men’s room. Is this where you WANT to bring your date? I say go to a place where no one has ever seen your face and — if the date doesn’t work out — will never see you again.

Dating “Rule” #8 — Resist sleeping with her early on

AskMen: “Aside from the fact that withholding yourself will keep her wanting you more, adhering to this rule also shows her that you’re a man who isn’t ruled by his loins…”

Neil’s Penis: “Now I’m sure this was written by some guy who has never been laid. This “expert” doesn’t know s**t about women. No woman spends two hours getting all dolled up and wearing the most uncomfortable goddamn high heels in the world, just for some mediocre dinner at the Outback Steakhouse. She wants to get laid as bad as you do! Why do you think she is wearing that new sexy underwear? She’s hoping you will actually see it while taking it off her! This dating “rule” is so stupid — and so insulting to women, that I’d like to shove a RULER up this writer’s loins.”

Dating “Rule” #7 — Limit your spending

AskMen: “One of the best ways to know if she’s a keeper is to find out how much money she expects you to spend on her. On early dates, take her to places where you don’t have to spend much, such as a coffee shop, lounge or boardwalk…”

Neil’s Penis: “Ha Ha Ha, now I’m wondering if Neilochka is writing this crap himself. Yeah, women just LOVE going on a date with Neil at Chicago for Ribs using a 2-1 coupon. What a cheapskate he is! But oh my, what if a guy actually spends money! I can see the scenario now as some girl comes back from her date and tells her roommates how it went: “Well, he’s nice enough, but he’s such a big spender! We took a private jet to Paris and we danced all night at this exclusive nightclub. I just don’t know if I want to go on a second date with a man who doesn’t “limit his spending.” This rule makes me want to puke.”

Dating “Rule” #6 — Screen her first few calls

AskMen: “While the 10th rule prevents you from appearing too needy, this one allows you to gauge whether she’s desperate…”

Neil’s Penis: “Huh? Am I reading this “rule” wrong? Desperate? Desperate is GOOD! This is the type of woman who is insatiable in bed — and then makes you French toast in the morning. I don’t see the problem, do you?”

Dating “Rule” #5 — Don’t offer her gifts early on

AskMen: “Very rarely are you going to recognize a woman as the love of your life within the first few months of dating her… So don’t get all goofy and start showering her with expensive gifts…”

Neil’s Penis: “More bulls**t! Let’s go back to the woman from our example. Now she’s come back from a date with a new guy, after dumping the big spender. She’s sullen. She wants to give up on dating completely. She drowns herself in chocolate ice cream as she tells a roommate about her miserable date, “Look, he bought me a diamond necklace! When am I ever going to meet a man who’s Mr. Right?” This writer should be banned from every writing another word.”

Dating “Rule” #4 — Be mysterious… but not weird

AskMen: “Remember not to volunteer any information about past relationships, your family or your job right away. Your woman will keep you guessing about her, so you need to do the same in return. Maintaining some intrigue keeps the spice in dating.”

Neil’s Penis: “This might have been true — in 1890! Today, anyone can find out the size of your c**k by searching for it on Google! There’s no more secrets. If anything, today is the day of promotion, marketing, advertising. You WANT to have a video on YouTube of you screwing the entire women’s volleyball team. In fact, rather than keeping secrets on the first date, I suggest you hand over a document listing every woman you ever shagged. Even better, try to get testimonials of how good you were in bed. It is asinine to keep a woman guessing. It’s like a job interview. She’ll just move on to the next candidate. Get in there, tell her what you can do for her, and start f***ing her already before she gives the job to someone else!”

Dating “Rule” #3 — Don’t flatter her too much

AskMen: “While it’s true that you will have to do some flattering in your initial flirtations, keep it toned down. The worst thing you can do is lay on the compliments too thick at the beginning.”

Neil’s Penis: “I hate emoticons, but you know the one where he’s rolling his eyes. Because that’s what I’m doing. Rolling my F***ING EYES! I’m not even going to spend time rebutting this one. Just take it from me, the FASTEST WAY, and I mean Freeway-fast-with-no-traffic fast, to get into a woman’s pants is to tell her how beautiful her eyes are. Case f***ing closed!”

Dating “Rule” #2 — Don’t meet her friends ‑- yet

AskMen: “Finding the time to date a new girl is always a challenge, so don’t make things more difficult for yourself by agreeing to meet her friends, as well… So keep her friends out of the picture until you feel confident that the relationship is actually heading somewhere…”

Neil’s Penis: “Don’t meet her friends yet? Why not? This is a pussy-boy’s approach. It is to your ADVANTAGE to check out her friends. Maybe there’s someone even hotter than she is? And think of the future. Chances are it’s not going to work out with this woman. It’s reality, dude. And the minute you go bust, so does the mind-blowing sex every Saturday night. But remember the Boy Scouts motto? Be prepared. Be prepared by planting the seeds with one of her friends beforehand, so if things go bad, you don’t even have to miss one weekend of f***ing. You can just slide another woman right into the slot. You see — the Boy Scouts weren’t so gay after all. There was wisdom there!”

Dating “Rule” #1 — Don’t let her meet your friends ‑- yet

AskMen: “It’s a two-way street, and it’s always best to keep your new woman away from your good buddies at the start, too. She may not be prepared for their sense of humor, or they may reveal things about you that you’d rather keep her in the dark about…”

Neil’s Penis: “Yawn. Amateur Hour. Women are women for a reason. They actually like when you SHOW THEM OFF to your friends. They light up like a the Las Vegas Strip when you ask your friends, “Isn’t my new girlfriend hot?! What do you think of her tits, man?!” And showing off your women does wonders for your career. In fact, many companies ONLY promote men with hot girlfriends or wives. That’s why it is important for you to take her out meeting people as soon as possible. Sure, it’s nice having her home in the bedroom. But every once in a while, you need to lift your nose up from between her thighs, look into her eyes, and say, “Hey, baby, let’s go take a drive so I can show you off to my friends and business associates.” She’ll melt in your arms.”

It’s the weekend, men. So, you know what that means. Get out there and start doing what comes naturally! We’ll compare notes on Monday in the locker room. And I suppose Neilochka will be back next time with his weepy Sophia s**t.

Neil’s Penis — Out!

Panties Gag Found Dead in Los Angeles!

noose2.jpg

Attention:  If you are a first time visitor or are coming to this site because you heard “good things” about Citizen of the Month, please ignore this post and read the previous one.  This post is what we call in the blogging biz as “filler” for when we’d rather be doing something other than blogging, but feel obligated to put something up, just to keep the readership amused, so that the masses will be more accepting when I start selling “discount ink-jet cartridges”on the right margin of the blog.  But feel free to skip this post completely because it is so “in-groupie” — as Sophia called it — that it’s worse than Gawker’s policy of making you apply to comment.

Dateline, Los Angeles.

Neil’s Panties Gag (8/06 – 9/06) was found dead today, hanging in an abandoned warehouse in downtown Los Angeles. Foul play is suspected, but LAPD Commanding Officer Beverly Melrose has told the Associated Press that “The investigation is ongoing. There are currently no suspects.”

The blogosphere is abuzz with sad memories of the once vibrant gag.

Blogger Elle spoke fondly of the gag, “I loved that Women’s Underwear Gag. Even though Neil only wore the panties once, he was able to stretch the joke out for three whole weeks!”

Sarcomical, one of the participants in Blogger Appreciation Day, agreed. “I thought that gag was going to just be a one shot deal. But Neil kept on using it over and over again. I think there was even more humor in it. I guess we’re never going to find out now.”

The Viscountess of Funk found it hard to hold back her tears: “That Woman’s Panties Gag… it died so young!”

Not everyone on the blogosphere was a fan of the gag.

“Frankly, good riddance to that stupid gag,” said Neil’s Penis. “This blog is supposed to be all about “Neil and his talking Penis,” not about “Neil wearing women’s panties.”

When asked if he had any stories about his former co-worker, Neil’s Penis just shook his head and laughed.

“A hack. A one hit wonder. Gags about men wearing women’s panties get old real fast. But a talking penis can last a lifetime. Frankly, I’m glad that loser is out of the picture!” he said as he cleaned out some extra rope and duct tape from the trunk of Sophia’s Prius.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Neilochka the Cool (last year I was so much cooler!)

The Mommyblogger Strikes Back

baby21.jpg

My mommyblogger parody was pretty funny a few days ago, wasn’t it? Sure put those mommybloggers in their place! I’m one funny guy.

OK, maybe not as funny as Dave at Blogography. He is terrific. And his illustrations are amazing. If you haven’t been to his blog, you need to check it out. I’m even wearing one of his cool t-shirts. So, I’m not surprised that his blog was ranked as the #1 humor blog by BlogLaughs, one of the best websites that reviews humor sites.

Hey, I’m in for a good laugh today. Since I already read Dave, let’s see who is at #2?

laughs1.jpg

Hmmm. Some blog named Dooce. Dooce?! What?! The #2 funniest site on the blogosphere is the mommyblogger Dooce?!

Jesus Christ! Is there anything this woman can’t do? I thought I was joking about her running the internet! How much money IS she getting through advertising?

If she wins the Presidential Medal of Honor this year, I’m quitting blogging.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Creativity in Business

« Older posts Newer posts »
Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial