Living in Los Angeles does have its perks. Today I went to my doctor for my yearly checkup, hoping to be told that that my cholesterol went down. As usual, Doctor Fishbeck kept me waiting in the examining room for a half hour while I looked through his Golf magazines from 2001. The door opened and the doctor bounced in, seeming to be in a better mood than usual.
"Well, hello Neil! How’s the blogging going?"
"Very well, Doctor Fishbeck."
"How are you? How’s your golf?"
"Excellent, excellent. I’m so glad you made an appointment for today. You see, you’re here on a very special day. "
"Absolutely. I’ve been invited to participate in a new reality show for the Discovery Channel."
"It’s called "Doctoring with the Stars." Seven celebrities are teamed up with seven Beverly Hills doctors, and each week the celebrity becomes "the doctor" and his work is judged by two prominent surgeons from Cedars Sinai and UCLA… and the third judge is the guy who played a doctor… on that TV show, Saint Elsewhere… he’s also a comedian…"
"Howie Mandel, right."
"Let me see if I get this. You’re teamed up with a celebrity, too?"
Suddenly, a man with a familiar face entered the room. He was carrying a huge basket of Mrs. Fields cookies. On the side of the basket, it read "from your friends at Pfizer."
It was Donny Osmond.
"Two lovely girls just brought this to you, Doctor Fishbeck," said Donny Osmond. "They said for you to remember lunch tomorrow… and something about meeting your quota with the Prozac."
Doctor Fishbeck laughed uncomfortably.
"Ha ha ha! Those jokesters!"
Donny Osmond looked concerned on moral grounds.
"Doctors don’t really push this stuff just because of these cute sales reps, do they?"
"Of course not."
Donny Osmond sighed, in relief. But I was getting concerned.
"Doctor Fishbeck, didn’t you tell me the last time I was here that I should go on Prozac because I was having sinus headaches."
"No. That’s because you were depressed, Neil."
"But I’m not depressed."
"Are you back yet with Sophia?"
"Get a good job yet?"
"I just read about that blogger Opinionista, who revealed her identity and now has a book deal. Do you have a book deal?"
"You know, Neil. You look depressed. Let me write you out another prescription for Prozac."
"I didn’t like Prozac. It made my penis numb."
"Are you having any sex lately?"
"So what’s the difference? Prozac it is."
Donny Osmond claps, impressed with the doctor.
"I’m so lucky to be teamed with you, Doctor Fishbeck. I’m learning so much about being a doctor. Alyssa Milano really hates the doctor she’s been teamed up with."
"Donny Osmond, meet Neil Kramer. He will be your patient today."
"Uh, nice to meet you Mr. Osmond, but I’m not really sure… how much training have you had again?"
"Three days. It’s just episode one. The finale is an operation. But that’s a few weeks away. Do you by chance need an operation?"
"Don’t worry about the operation, Donny!," said Doctor Fishbeck. It will be a breeze! I’ve seen you as host of Pyramid. Cool as a cucumber. "
"Thanks for the confidence, Doctor Fishbeck."
"Neil, I’m going to leave you with Donny Osmond. I mean Dr. Osmond."
As Doctor Fishbeck exits, two cameramen and a boom operator enter the room. Donny Osmond takes out a notebook, reading from it.
"OK, Neil, take down your pants and I’m going to ask you to cough."
"Is my HMO going to cover this?"
"What’s an HMO?"