Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Beverly Hills Doctor

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Living in Los Angeles does have its perks.  Today I went to my doctor for my yearly checkup, hoping to be told that that my cholesterol went down.  As usual, Doctor Fishbeck kept me waiting in the examining room for a half hour while I looked through his Golf magazines from 2001.  The door opened and the doctor bounced in, seeming to be in a better mood than usual.

"Well, hello Neil!  How’s the blogging going?"

"Very well, Doctor Fishbeck." 

"How are you?  How’s your golf?"

"Excellent, excellent.  I’m so glad you made an appointment for today.  You see, you’re here on a very special day. "

"I am?"

"Absolutely.  I’ve been invited to participate in a new reality show for the Discovery Channel." 

"Cool."

"It’s called "Doctoring with the Stars."  Seven celebrities are teamed up with seven Beverly Hills doctors, and each week the celebrity becomes "the doctor" and his work is judged by two prominent surgeons from Cedars Sinai and UCLA… and the third judge is the guy who played a doctor… on that TV show, Saint Elsewhere… he’s also a comedian…"

"Howie Mandel?"

"Howie Mandel, right."

"Let me see if I get this.  You’re teamed up with a celebrity, too?"

Suddenly, a man with a familiar face entered the room.  He was carrying a huge basket of Mrs. Fields cookies.  On the side of the basket, it read "from your friends at Pfizer."

It was Donny Osmond.

"Two lovely girls just brought this to you, Doctor Fishbeck," said Donny Osmond.  "They said for you to remember lunch tomorrow… and something about meeting your quota with the Prozac."

Doctor Fishbeck laughed uncomfortably.

"Ha ha ha!  Those jokesters!"

Donny Osmond looked concerned on moral grounds.

"Doctors don’t really push this stuff just because of these cute sales reps, do they?"

"Of course not."

Donny Osmond sighed, in relief.  But I was getting concerned.

"Doctor Fishbeck, didn’t you tell me the last time I was here that I should go on Prozac because I was having sinus headaches."

"No.  That’s because you were depressed, Neil."

"But I’m not depressed."

"Are you back yet with Sophia?"

"No."

"Get a good job yet?"

"No."

"I just read about that blogger Opinionista, who revealed her identity and now has a book deal.  Do you have a book deal?"

No.

"You know, Neil.  You look depressed.  Let me write you out another prescription for Prozac."

"I didn’t like Prozac.  It made my penis numb."

"Are you having any sex lately?"

"No."

"So what’s the difference?  Prozac it is."

Donny Osmond claps, impressed with the doctor.

"I’m so lucky to be teamed with you, Doctor Fishbeck.  I’m learning so much about being a doctor.  Alyssa Milano really hates the doctor she’s been teamed up with."

"Donny Osmond, meet Neil Kramer.  He will be your patient today."

"Uh, nice to meet you Mr. Osmond, but I’m not really sure… how much training have you had again?"

"Three days.  It’s just episode one.  The finale is an operation.  But that’s a few weeks away.  Do you by chance need an operation?"

"Don’t worry about the operation, Donny!," said Doctor Fishbeck.  It will be a breeze!  I’ve seen you as host of Pyramid.  Cool as a cucumber. "

"Thanks for the confidence, Doctor Fishbeck."

"Neil, I’m going to leave you with Donny Osmond.  I mean Dr. Osmond."

As Doctor Fishbeck exits, two cameramen and a boom operator enter the room.  Donny Osmond takes out a notebook, reading from it.

"OK, Neil, take down your pants and I’m going to ask you to cough."

"Is my HMO going to cover this?"

"What’s an HMO?"

49 Comments

  1. god what a TOTAL waste of a crackpot doctor. i want to live in LA and i want the prozac you turned your nose up at.

  2. And pray tell, how WAS it coughing with a camera on you?

  3. First time here. Very funny.
    MH

  4. P.S. I LOVE Patrick Dempsey.

  5. Oh, Neil, that’s just classic. I think this is one of my favorites so far. It’s got everything: celebrities, social satire and penile numbness. Well done. 🙂

    One of my best friends back home is a drug rep. She makes a killing, and shakes it the entire time.

    Is Donny a little bit rock n roll and a little bit scared of malpractice?

  6. That’s one freakin hilarious sketch! 😀

  7. Donny Osmond? Is he even still alive????

  8. i love mrs. fields. and grey’s anatomy. and neil kramer.

  9. Are you on the B list yet?

  10. Very funny. I’m not certain why, but it brought to mind the fact that Dr. Fleiss (father of Heid) was my pediatrician when I was little.

  11. Holly shit. This was brilliant. Neil, you’re a god!

  12. I was never hot for Donny. I was, however, in love with the baby brother, Jimmy.

  13. ‘take down your pants and I’m going to ask you to cough.”.. my dentist once asked this of me but thats a whole other story

  14. Is it wrong that I didn’t think this was out of the realm of possibilities?

  15. I received an autographed Donny Osmond cd for Christmas.

    Did he leave you with some shitty stuff you can sell on eBay, or just a sick feeling in your tummy?

  16. Dr. Osmond?? I’ll pass. Another great post, Neil 🙂

  17. Better Donny than Marie Osmond, anyway. I seem to remember several points at which she wasn’t so stable.

    Actually, how great would it be if they could do the doctor thing Nip/Tuck style — as in, pick celebs to be partners at a doctor’s office. The possibilities are endless…I’d kind of like to see John Tesh and Bobby Brown together, maybe.

  18. My wife was an extra one time on “Grey’s Anatomy”, you could see her walking up the stairway.

    I hope Donny didn’t have both hands on the table when he told you to cough.

  19. He’s a little bit rock ‘n roll. And he’s also Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. How lucky you are, Neil!!!
    ;P
    ~L.

  20. Thank you for the good laugh.

  21. ROFLMAO! Freaking Hilarious. Thanks for the laughs!

    3T

  22. Are you saying it might have been a bad idea to let Danny Bonaduce perform a gynecological exam on me?

  23. Is this some sort of secret Donny Osmond fantasy? I have one similar to it with Patrick Dempsey. Only nobody else is around and I’m wearing a paper robe.

  24. …but were they chocolate chip? C’mon, Neil! You’re a WRITER, fergodsakes! Where’s the deets, man?

  25. You’re right, Nance. Lazy writing. It wasn’t just cookies either. It was a 14 1/4″ tall gift bundle with 24 chocolate chip cookies, 12 brownies, a choc. chip mini cake, 2 cut-outs, a ½ lb. package of Jelly Belly® jelly beans, 6 popcorn clusters, a ¼ lb. package of mixed nuts & a 2 oz. coffee pack.

    By the way, my real family doctor, who was also a doctor in the Vietnam War, is not new to Hollywood. He once sold a story idea to M*A*S*H.

  26. I’m so sorry, Neil. Donny Osmond? Je-sus.

  27. i had a huge crush on donny osmond when he was a teen idol, glad to see he’s still “working”

  28. As you know, I’m from LA. When my mother went into labor with me, her ob/gyn was no where to be found. Turned out he was playing golf. Oh well, I made it out anyway.

  29. Justifying reasons to avoid the doctor’s office. But excellent hilarity at the idea of having Donny Osmond as your doctor. 🙂

  30. Oh my goodness! My first time here, that was freakin’ hilarious! Nice one Neil.

  31. Shoot, you have all the fun. How come that crap never happened to me when I lived in LA?!

  32. Count your blessings. My cousin’s a hand surgeon in Beverly Hills and they paired him with Gary Coleman.

  33. They don’t do that stuff here in NYC. The doctors are already celebrities.
    Namaste.
    ~HDJ

  34. I am shocked, infuriated, insulted and just darn right disappointed that you didn’t cast me in this sketch. What good is a Dr. theme without the drop dead gorgeous NURSE!!!

    Shame on you Neil.

    You owe me one, and it’s gonna be good *winks* We’ll talk.

  35. ROFLMAO! I need to drop by more often – you never disappoint!

  36. You know, I can never quite tell where reality ends and begins with you. Are you serious? 🙂

  37. I have no idea what any of this said… I got lost after the picture of Dr. McDreamy.

  38. Haven’t seen it…only Trailers.

    But from past history, I can’t see what the big deal is with these M.D, E.R type of shows. ESPECIALLY when they are sooo Celebrity and Beverly Hills-ish oriented. I find it unrealistic and boring….rather watch Discovery HD or KCET.
    Actually a lot of T.V. is boring to watch, But to watch something that isn’t even as well done as a ‘B’ movie…… it’s just another Soap Opera…Yes I am a T.V. Snob.

  39. But……..I do love your skit, Neil.
    Maybe you should write for T.V and oust those Producers for ‘Beverly Hills Doctor’!

  40. “Well, Doctor Donny, I have a problem with this vacuum attachment …”

    For some reason, I can’t see that.

  41. I’ll see you at the Emmys.

  42. I’ll take note when this program (esp your pants dropping scene) is aired on Discovery….

  43. LOL Neil!

    It’s hard to believe you never went to Med School!

  44. I wouldn’t mind “Doctor Donny.” He can be my doc any time. Especially in that loincloth!

  45. Donny Osmond —-Hot as ever!!!!

  46. Where’s the part about Donny taking me into the supply closet? Oooh, I love it!

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