the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Love Songs

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When I was a kid going to sleepaway camp, I had a counselor named Mike.  Although I visualize him as being an adult, he was probably 16 years old.  One night, he came back to the bunk, all happy.  He had spent the evening making out with some female counselor.  He gathered all the  guys in the bunk together and imparted this wisdom that I still remember today:

"If you want to get a girl into your bed, you put on "The Best of Bread" on your tape player."

A few years later, the basketball coach of our synagogue basketball team told us this in the locker room:

"If you want to get a Jewish girl to sleep with you, play "James Taylor:  Greatest Hits" on your stereo."

In high school, I went with my friend Bobby and his uncle to a Mets game.  During the seventh inning stretch, Bobby, who was black, told me:

"If you want to do it with a black girl, you need to play "The Very Best of Marvin Gaye" on your boombox."

Bobby’s uncle overheard him and disagreed:

"Bobby, you are too young to know shit.   You want to screw a classy black woman, you put on "John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman.""

In college, the R.A. on my Freshman dorm floor, told me how to score with the college girls.

"If you want to get laid by a rich Barnard girl, you need to play Rimsky-Korsakov’s "Sheherazade" on your CD player"

When I told my roommate, he called the R.A. an old fart.

"The key is Depeche Mode’s "Music for the Masses." "  If you hear that playing, stay out of the room."

In film school, I worked as a sound operator when the Puerto Rican camera operator educated me on his culture:

"You want to get a Puerto Rican woman on top of you?   Play  Marc Anthony’s "Desde Un Principio.""

As I organize my iTunes collection, I wonder if I need to add anything to my list of essential music…?

48 Comments

  1. Pearl

    John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman are definitely a s…m…o…o…t…h team of music makers to help set any mood; I even listen to them when I wash the dishes!

  2. amanda

    heehee…i laughed out loud at work on this one…
    if you want a north jersey, now east village jewish girl to swoon dock your ipod and play Bright Eyes, “This is First Day of my Life,” Keane “Somewhere Only we Know,” or Stevie Wonder “I Believe”…

  3. mysterygirl!

    Well, I don’t know– what other nationalities of women do you want to get into bed?

  4. Neil

    Mysterygirl, I have a lot of lot of storage space on my P.C. — I want to be prepared for every possible scenario.

  5. Hope

    Does it make me a complete slut if 50 Cent’s “Just a Little Bit” would get me into bed?

  6. anne arkham

    I vote for Johnny Coltrane and Johnny Hartman, too.

  7. Jef

    Harry Connick Jr. on your surround sound gets a WASP girl every time.

    ~Jef

  8. Anne

    Dean Martin is a must. Leonard Cohen’s Closing time as well, for some reason.

  9. anonymous city girl

    eh… just hum a little ditty and i’m happy. 😉

  10. Bama Girl

    Neil,
    I’m so glad you have such a wide variety of ways to get a woman in bed. All nationalities, all socio-economic levels–you are truly equal-opportunity!
    I think a lot of it depends on the age of the woman. For me it would be Dave Matthews “Crash.”

  11. Bill

    I’ve found Canadian women of various hues are quite fond of Talking Timbuktu by Ry Cooder and Ali Farka Toure, which gets quite slinkily bluesy. (Is “slinkily” a word?)

  12. Pants

    You forgot Donny Osmond.

  13. Jodi

    If you want to bag *this* babe (and c’mon, I know you do), you’ll find Davy Jones’s original version of “Girl” from his “Brady Bunch” appearance and pump it (!) directly into my head *and* your head via two large sets of headphones, like in “About Last Night”. Make sure it’s the original version and NOT the hopped-up, mad crazy, wacky version sung in one of the spoof movies.

  14. ashbloem

    The sexiest song in the world is “Chan Chan”, the first track on the Buena Vista Social Club CD.

  15. maribeth

    Someone once told me a story about trying to time the act to “Girl, You’ll Be A Woman, Soon” on the Pulp Fiction soundtrack. Apparently they didn’t quite make it that far into the album.

    “Crash” is good. Also Peter Gabriel.

  16. Jewels

    If you want a downhome country girl – then you will have to play a little bit of country music….trust me, you will not regret it 😉

  17. Neil

    Jodi — I’m sure we can update those headphones to something a little more modern, but I think I still have those headphones in my garage for that “retro” feeling. And I know Davy Jones’ “Girl” by heart.

    Bill — I actually have that album. It may do wonders on the Canadian women, but it’s not a good choice because it always puts me to sleep. But if it will put the “O” back into Oh, Canada… It’ll try it…

  18. ms. sizzle

    That Depeche Mode album just might work…

    Lately, this Irish lassie likes Zero 7 to set the mood. But Otis Redding does it to me every time. Loves me some Otis!

  19. cookiebitch

    Funny, it always just took liquor to get me into bed. I didn’t care what was playing after 10 shots of tequila. I’d even do it to Lawrence Welk. “And a one, and a two, and a … “

  20. Megarita

    I have to concur about Peter Gabriel — particularly the soundtrack to The Last Temptation of Christ…is it called Passion? Also, there are the southern ladies who enjoy some nice Allman Brothers!

  21. mrsmogul

    My friend was in depeche mode’s documentary. As for Queens, yeah went to Sears and Old Navy. Not very exciting at all!

  22. Leese

    “Here, there and everywhere,” Beatles, Revolver(but then you probably already know you can’t download any Beatles song from iTunes)

    “Only love remains” Paul McCartney, Press to Play (not a big McCartney fan but this one serves the purpose. Again, not available on iTunes).

    “Lady in my life” Michael Jackson.

    “L’Amour” Carla Bruni.

    “Salle Des Pas Perdus” Coralie Clement, the whole album (I don’t think it’s available on the US Store at iTunes. I think you have to go to the French iTunes store for it).

    “By your side” Sade.

  23. Dan

    You’ve got to put a mix together – there’s no way around it. Because, invariably, there is that one song on any album that ruins the moment. Like cruising along to “The Best of Van Morrison” and suddenly “Brown Eyed Girl” comes and and she wants to get up and dance.

  24. Neil

    Jeez, Leese, you’re like turned on by everything!

  25. Bill

    Can’t say I disagree with the sleep element of Talking Timbuktu, though if I remember rightly it helped bag Diane Lane in Unfaithful.

    To stay awake, try T. Rex. Bang-a-Gong! Better than Viagra!

  26. Brooke

    Girls!!! He is using his blog to find out your favorite sex songs so he can get you all in bed!!

    Shameless! I’m telling your mom what you are doing on your bolo.

  27. Neil

    Um, Brooke… actually I was doing this to hear what YOUR favorite sex — I mean love song is…

  28. Nicole

    It’s The Doors all the way for me!
    Runners up:
    Stan Getz and Joao Gilberto or
    The Soundtrack to Bladerunner

  29. M.A.

    For your ex-alterna chickies use “Today” by the Smashing Pumpkins.

    Totally hot.

  30. Melanie

    The Very Best of Bob Marley & the Wailers…best love makin’ music there is.

    I’m also partial to “She’s So Heavy” from Abbey Road.

    And Dean-o isn’t bad, either–“Innamorata” and “You Belong to Me” make me melt 😛

  31. cruisin-mom

    Grade school: The Beatles or The Monkees
    High school: Anything by Chicago
    College: Dave Mason, Earth,Wind,& Fire
    Post college: Disco, of course
    After Marriage & Kids: Could be “Take me out to the Ball Game” for all I care…just give me 3-5 minutes of privacy.

  32. JordanBaker

    If you want to get an Italian-French-German-Scots-Irish-Dutch-English-Native American Girl in bed, go with Portishead’s “Glory Box.” Or just show her the first forty minutes of The Shining.

  33. Pearl

    Cruisin-Mom: Personally I don’t think “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” will cut it even with marriage/kids. Don’t the lyrics say, “And it’s one, two, three strikes you’re out…” That is, if you’re lucky if someone can even get up to bat! 😉

    Neil, Seal’s “Kissed by a Rose” is a good one; “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” — the beatiful version by a now-dead Hawaiian singer named Israel someone or other (song was in 50 First Dates and in E.R. when Dr. Green was dying) is another perfect song. And last but not least, the smooth stylings of Barry White or Luther Vandross. (how is it that I’m picking on 3 dead guys?)

  34. Neil

    So, basically you’re saying if I put all these songs on one long “playlist,” and somehow convince a woman to come upstairs to play some “Cranium” — I’ve pretty much got it made!

  35. Leesa

    Oh come on…No Barry White???? I thought he was the king!!
    Just play anything that rocks slowly.. and no cranium for me.

  36. bella

    Harry Connick Jr., although Michael Buble is ranking pretty high right now.
    Dave Matthews,”Crash” of course – his voice just makes me melt.
    Keith Urban – “Somebody Like You”, or Pat Green’s version of “Rain in Layfette” for making love.
    NIN “#*@& You Like An Animal” for something a little rougher than that.
    Jet -“Wanna Be My Girl” for a little fun.

  37. Anne-Marie

    “Maybe I’m amazed” by Paul McCartney
    “Playing your game baby” on Groove Armada’s back to mine by Barry White
    also mezzanine by massive attack.

    My cousin reckoned he could always pull if he pulled out his Dido cd (slightly worrying!)

  38. The Moviequill

    I owned/operated a cd music store for 11 years and this one time a guy (suave but not sophisticated) pulls out a cd and rushes over to me at the register, ‘if you ever want to get laid, pal, play this, it works every time, trust me’…it was the latest by Michael Bolton

  39. Lindsay

    I can’t help but make out when I hear any of the following:

    Dave Matthews Band “Crush”
    Jack Johnson “Better Together”
    Sir Mix-A-Lot “Baby Got Back!”

  40. danielle

    How ’bout you whip out some old-school Etta James?

    “You can leave your hat on” is a good one (as long as it’s not a red sox hat), or “I just wanna make love to you.”

    Grrrrrr…

  41. Pamsterdam

    PJ Harvey
    Ani DiFranco
    Joan Jett
    L7
    Elastica
    Texas
    Brigitte Bardot
    Vanessa Paradis
    Edith Piaf

    Sexy male singers make me want to sleep with *them*. Sexy female singers make me want to slink around in a catsuit, purring like a kitten.

  42. Jack

    What, no 2 Live Crew. Oh the shame of it all.

    Old Blue eyes has been a great help to me over the years.

  43. miss marisol

    I have no idea. I’m Filipina. We’re complete hussies who don’t need musical provocation.

  44. Kristen Dobbs

    hmmmm, massive attack is good because there aren’t too many words…… if you want to get a girl who works in retail and hears people complaining all day long into bed, play something without too many words!

  45. ladymathematician

    Well, my freshman college soundtrack that said “don’t come a knockin'” was Morphine’s Cure for Pain album, RHCP’s Blood Suger Sex Magick, and the Bodeans’ Go Slow Down. I had a stero with a three CD changer…

    Freshman year…also the Pixies, Miles Davis, and Nina Simone, of course.

  46. ---Supreme-G.R.E.A.M---

    This is very interesting. I will make a point of gettin all the music mentioned and compile an MP3.

    However, my question is. There is this gal I want to bed and she asked me this question on phone “What are you up to?” I told her I was in a meeting I would have to call her back. So in my search for an answer I landed here. Can someone tell advice me what to tell her?

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  48. Loukia

    Depeche Mode is great…

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