When I was a kid going to sleepaway camp, I had a counselor named Mike. Although I visualize him as being an adult, he was probably 16 years old. One night, he came back to the bunk, all happy. He had spent the evening making out with some female counselor. He gathered all the guys in the bunk together and imparted this wisdom that I still remember today:
"If you want to get a girl into your bed, you put on "The Best of Bread" on your tape player."
A few years later, the basketball coach of our synagogue basketball team told us this in the locker room:
"If you want to get a Jewish girl to sleep with you, play "James Taylor: Greatest Hits" on your stereo."
In high school, I went with my friend Bobby and his uncle to a Mets game. During the seventh inning stretch, Bobby, who was black, told me:
"If you want to do it with a black girl, you need to play "The Very Best of Marvin Gaye" on your boombox."
Bobby’s uncle overheard him and disagreed:
"Bobby, you are too young to know shit. You want to screw a classy black woman, you put on "John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman.""
In college, the R.A. on my Freshman dorm floor, told me how to score with the college girls.
"If you want to get laid by a rich Barnard girl, you need to play Rimsky-Korsakov’s "Sheherazade" on your CD player"
When I told my roommate, he called the R.A. an old fart.
"The key is Depeche Mode’s "Music for the Masses." " If you hear that playing, stay out of the room."
In film school, I worked as a sound operator when the Puerto Rican camera operator educated me on his culture:
"You want to get a Puerto Rican woman on top of you? Play Marc Anthony’s "Desde Un Principio.""
As I organize my iTunes collection, I wonder if I need to add anything to my list of essential music…?