Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: Life in General (Page 32 of 46)

Fifty States, Fifty Positions

August 2, 2007 / / 34 Comments

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Today, I stop being depressed.  I do this by coming up with a plan.  I have decided to look at the positive side of things.  If things fall through with Sophia, I will see the opportunity,  and not the regret.   I will focus on my FREEDOM to be who I WANT to be and to DO what I want to do!

Let me speak to my male blogging friends directly:

I know that many of you are married with children.  I am happy for you.   You are living lives of comfort.   But we both know the truth — you have sacrificed your dreams in accepting this marital bliss.  You have gained a wife’s soft bosom and the joy of a child’s laughter, but it has required a compromise — you have packed your dreams in the dusty attic of your mind, never to be seen again.

I understand.  I was once JUST LIKE YOU, content just to be able to play with a woman’s breasts ANY TIME I wanted to (well, accept before 8AM or during periods)!  Who wouldn’t become complacent under those conditions? 

But I am lucky.   Show no pity for me concerning my situation with Sophia.  This might be the best thing to ever happen to me.

My plan now is to LIVE MY DREAM.   It may be too late for you, my married male blogger friends, but you can certainly help me plan my dream.  Maybe you can live your dream vicariously through me.

I’ll probably end up back in Los Angeles to live, but I thought of going to New York for a while and visiting my mother… maybe even check things out there while I get some therapy.   I was going to fly there, but then I had an idea — why don’t I just drive across this great country of ours?   Then came inspiration!   It was like the stars converged over my head, giving me the opportunity to accomplish my life-long dream —

— yes, getting laid by a different woman in all fifty states. 

Why settle for just one when America offers so much variety?!

All men have this dream,  but how many of us get to achieve it?  We always get bogged down with marriage and babies and cleaning out the garage!

Not me!

I’ve had a slow start.  I’ve only had sex in two states.  Sure, they are the most populous — New York and California, but even Barak Obama can’t win the election with just two states under his belt. (wait a minute:  I think there was one time in Vermont.  I just don’t remember if I made it through the actual “sex” part).

Men, here’s where you can help.  What do you think would be the best route to accomplish all 50 states from California to New York?  I’m not really sure how to program the GPS for this type of information?  How much time should I take in each state?  Remember, I need to drive in town, get a hotel, meet someone, AND get laid — all before I move on to the next state.  Do you think I will need the same amount of time in red states as blue states?  So far, I don’t have any specific plans.  The only “sure-shot” I know about is Blogger X in New Jersey, but she is mad at me right now for not reading her blog lately.  I guess I can always tell her that “I read it in Bloglines!”   Women buy any excuse, right, guys?!

Back to the planning phase.  I will need to also hit Hawaii and Alaska.  Do you think I should hit Hawaii first for the lei, since fares from LAX are pretty reasonable?  I’m also debating whether I should go the southern route via the Gulf States first — before we get too far into the hurricane season.   I’ll probably wait until it is colder before I make the Northern States.  I’m figuring that by then, women will probably be hornier and more desperate, especially around the time of the Christmas parties and New Year’s Eve.

What do you think?  Will it take that long or can I wrap this up by Columbus Day?

Men, I really hope that I can be an inspiration to you.  If I can impart any wisdom to you, it is “Don’t Let Women Rule Your Life — Always Follow Your Dream.”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:   Mel Gibson Arrested for DUI

Everyone is Welcome!

August 2, 2007 / / 11 Comments

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I really like Mocha Momma’s take on BlogHer, in her post “Inclusion and Exclusion.”  I’ve always been obsessed with this subject — inclusion and exclusion.   Maybe that’s why I’ve been writing so much about BlogHer — a blogging group that is about enpowerment, but also about inclusion AND exclusion.

Or maybe I’m still hurt about not being picked for the sixth grade softball team until last. 

As a child of the 1970s, social studies classes were all about feminism and civil rights, so my early education made this a central theme to my life.  In the olden times, people were not subtle.  There were signs that said “no blacks or Jews or women allowed.”  Those signs are long gone.  Now, every organization needs to be open to everyone else… at least in the public arena.  

BlogHer is great for women.  I just thought it was amusing how much effort was spent by some commenters telling me that men were happily welcome!  The FAQ actually says:

YES! Men are welcome to attend, and many do. About 25% of attendees are male.

25%?  So, where are all the men in the countless photos on Flickr?  Were they all in the lounge watching the Cubs playing on the TV?

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(via the imperfect mom)

I think it would be better to not even allow men at all.  What happens if 3/4 of the participants become men?  Will it still be called BlogHer?

One of my very first posts was about how the Beverly Center in Los Angeles didn’t carry any clothes for women over a size 10-12.   At first, I thought this was because of an image of hipness and youth, but when I thought about it some more, the reason seemed more about inclusion and exclusion.   Since so many regular black and Mexican women are larger sizes, the lack of clothes in their size would keep them away — making the Beverly Center more “upscale” and less ethnic.   Let “them” shop at Target.   Sophia, who is a size 14, was actually told by the Macy’s sales clerk to go to the Fox Hills Mall, where the clientele was more African-American.   Of course, anyone is welcome to come to the Beverly Center — but if you are size 16, there will be nothing there catering to you! 

Izzy Mom is a popular mommyblogger who attended BlogHer.  She had such a good time that she is setting up a mini get-together called Mommycon!

Of course, “you don’t have to be a mom to join in the fun!”

Again, it sounds like a great idea, but I’m beginning to think that modern etiquette requires that everyone practice exclusiveness AND inclusiveness at the same time. 

Remember, this Saturday — The first Los Angeles meet-up of “Attractive Wealthy Men with Hot Trophy Wives” — but other men who don’t fit this description are welcome to show up.  Don’t feel uncomfortable or anything.   We are glad to have you hang with us.  Really.  Seriously.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  My Interview

Manly Insecurities

August 1, 2007 / / 39 Comments

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(photo via ThreeSeven)

As you can tell, I keep on putting off writing about “being a man” for my BlogHim post, mostly because I’m not sure what that means, or what unites me to other men. Yesterday, Leah reminded me that I could have gone to BlogHer, even though I am a man. Even Sophia was pushing me to go to Chicago so I could see my friends and “promote” my blog.

OK, here’s where I reveal some inner thoughts. My main reason for not going to BlogHer is because it would make me feel uncomfortable. And I think it has something to do with this “man” issue. I have no problem hanging with a group of women, but I think that if I went to a women’s conference, it would make me realize that, despite my hanging out with so many of you gals on this blog, that I don’t belong there. I’m not a woman. I’m a man. It would just make me question what makes me a “male” blogger and whether I should be writing more for a male readership.

Besides, seeing so many hot women in one room would be too much for me.

I think this is more of a gender issue to me, than one of sexuality. I would feel more comfortable sitting with a room of gay men than a room full of straight women. At least, they are still men. Gay men don’t make me question my sexuality. Hanging out with too many women does. Maybe I’m just being a typical male, feeling uneasy not being in charge of things when I’m with a bunch of women (the perfect reason for having a BlogHer to begin with), but considering that I’ve been living with Sophia all these years, and half of my bosses have been women, I can’t imagine that to be true.

But maybe it is. I can imagine being at this conference and wanting to argue and talk all the time, not wanting women to get the last word in. Isn’t that terrible? This is how WE are brought up.

Now that I’m re-reading what I just wrote, I’m not sure this makes any sense, but I’ll keep it up anyway.

Sorry to be a little petty, but I enjoyed learning that women sometimes have identity issues as well. How should “women” be identified — as hipster mommies who are cooler than their boring mommies or geeks or real women who have the same issues as everyone else? One of the funnier “controversies” of the BlogHer conference concerns the hefty swag that everyone received from the corporate sponsorship. This year, there were more sponsors than for the Super Bowl. Women received all sorts of doo-dads, from cool bags to beauty products. (am I the only one to think this is an issue in itself — the eagerness for everyone to “sell-out”)

Some women were a little miffed at getting a freebee from Butterball — a potholder!

This is what Plain Jane Mom, my blog crush from yesterday, had to say:

These companies completely missed the boat. Seriously, a potholder? Yeah, I’m a woman. Yeah, I cook. But this was not a conference for cooking women, this was a conference for blogging women. You know, who use computers. And I know, Math Is Hard Barbie, but blow me. The more I think about the apron and the hand mirror and the potholder, the angrier I get.

Plain Jane, tell me if I am wrong, but aren’t you really talking about gender identity — the same issue I am about men? That you want a woman blogger at BlogHer to be treated like the geeky man who goes to a Microsoft conference — and not like a housewife? The main difference is that the men who go to these boring Microsoft conferences are REAL geeks who wouldn’t know how to make a turkey if you gave them Martha Steward to help. A lot of the women at BlogHer actually write about being mommies, poop, and making turkeys for dinner. And what’s wrong with that? I think Butterball is just acknowledging the obvious — women at the conference are GEEKY and DO make turkeys! Why be afraid of acknowledging that making turkeys is important to some women? Is Butterball a lesser company than Dove Soap or Apple Computers? Do we really want Butterball to change their staid image so they can better appeal to hipster Moms?

“Yo, Mom, shut off the iPod! What’s for dinner? Cool — Butterball turkey!”

I would love to go to a man’s conference where they would acknowledge us a individuals who could make a turkey, but I doubt you’re going to find Butterball showing any interest in BlogHim.

Why You Shouldn’t Write at 3AM

July 25, 2007 / / 29 Comments

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It’s 3AM when my mind starts to tick, like the Walmart clock by the water glass, and I think of love and dirty dishes.

Should I wake her up, the one who is next to me? Should I call my pal Steve for advice? I’m sure he’s sleeping, like normal people with babies.

I enter my office. Alone, I reach out to thee, oh Internet! Friendly blue light of the monitor, guide my loneliness over the network. Transmit my tears through the connectionless protocols of your inner depths. You are fast, data switcher, like a sleek jaguar, wild and dangerous, and I am vulnerable, caressing the mouse like a woman’s breast, waiting to chat with the invisible!

Ways That I Suck

June 30, 2007 / / 34 Comments

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#1 –  On September 7, 2005, I ran my first blog “poll” in a post titled “Be My Editor.”  I proposed six story ideas that I should write and asked you to vote for one.   The aim was to prove that I was a professional and could write an article “on time.”  The winning choice was for me to go on  a tour of the L. Ron Hubbard Museum at the Scientology Center in Hollywood.   A few days later, my father passed away.   I completely forgot about this post and never wrote the piece — and it was almost two years ago!

#2 –  On January 14, 2007, Tamarika “won” a date with me by bidding for charity.  She paid more money than I ever would for a date with myself.  I made all these promises to her to show her a good time, even if it meant flying to Philadelphia.  And so far, zilch.  I haven’t even offered her any phone sex.

#3  — On April 25, 2007, I promised the first reader who buys Crazy Aunt Purl’s upcoming book a special gift — a washcloth “handknit” by ME!   I wasn’t really that interested in learning to knit.  The real aim was to win favor with Crazy Aunt Purl and get to see her in her self-crocheted knickers.  The winner of this contest was Psychomom.  But after the contest, did I ever knit that washcloth?  Have I even taken a step to LEARN how to make a washcloth?  You can guess the answers.

#4  — On June 28, 2007, I ran a contest where I asked my readers to guess my height and weight.  The winner was promised a “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout” at my blog reading at LA Bloggers Live!  The winner was Wendy from “Quiet About a Lot of Things.”  After my reading, I finally kept one of my promises.  I told the audience members to check out one of my favorite bloggers, Wendy from Quiet About a Lot of Things at quietaboutalotofthings.com.  I was very happy to see a few people jotting down her address.  Today, I went to Wendy’s site and the first thing I noticed is that the address I gave was wrong!  It is quietaboutalotofthings.blogspot.com!

I suck.  Like most men who make promises to women.   Tamar, Psychomom, Wendy — I’ll make it up to you the way I always make it up to the women in my life — in the bedroom.

For now, here are some flowers.

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I Read My Post

June 29, 2007 / / 30 Comments

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The LA Bloggers Live reading was a lot of fun. I read this post.

It’s an interesting exercise to read a post out loud because you can actually hear when something works or not. I might start reading all my posts out loud to myself before I publish it.

One warning to other bloggers: be careful when you go into your archives and start reading your old posts. You might realize how crappy most of them were.

I practiced reading my post as I was driving to the event. Sophia suggested that I read it slowly, since I tend to speak too fast.

One warning to other bloggers: be careful when reading out loud from a notepad when driving. I almost got into an accident on the 405, which would have put a damper on the entire evening.

I’m glad I double-spaced my printout, or I would have been hopelessly lost. This lounge was pitch dark.

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Photo of Neilochka by Will Campbell, a terrific LA blogger
who read that night. That’s Sophia under my left arm,
which made me happy because I could finally say
that I had her “under my thumb.”

The best part of the evening was meeting other LA bloggers. I love the fact that I have virtual friends all over the world, but nothing can compare to meeting people in person and getting a real sense of their quirks and personality. After the reading, Sophia and I went with Danny and Deezee for some light dinner. At some point, I felt this transformation: these two people were slowly becoming less “blogging friends” than “actual friends,” and that was a nice feeling.

One warning to other bloggers: Try to avoid talking about politics when Sophia and Deezee are in the same room.

The Closest Results Blog Ever

June 28, 2007 / / 23 Comments

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Neil: Your guesses are now in. What is Neilochka’s height and weight? Who will win the “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout” at tonight’s LA blog reading. The excitement is intense. Our systems were overloaded last night as we received THIRTY MILLION guesses.

I know many of you have been up all night waiting for the results, so I would like the following four bloggers to stand up in front of their monitors. You were the closest four in guessing correctly.

Psychomom
Guess: 6 feet, 185 lbs.

Dagny from Dagny’s Empire
Guess: 6’2″ feet, 185 lbs.

Wendy from Quiet About a lot of Things
Guess: 5’11.5″ feet, 182 lbs.

Stephanie from Cool People I Know
Guess: 5’10” feet, 182 lbs.

Although only one of you can win the prize, you all should consider yourselves “winners.” If any of you are ever in Los Angeles, I will personally wine and dine you, and show you all the tourist sites of Redondo Beach.

But now, for the winner. I’m going to split you up into two groups. Psychomom and Stephanie to the right. Dagny and Wendy to the left. And now before I announce the winner… a message from our sponsor!

Audience: BOOOOOOO!

Neil’s Penis: Hi there. Are you a penis who’s stuck on a man who never gets laid? Don’t you wish you could just sometimes break free and have your own, healthy sex life, away from the annoying neuroticism and passive-aggressiveness of your owner, who is always ruining things for you right when he starts fumbling with her bra. When will your owner learn that sex is really quite simple. You stick me in and I work my magic! Stop talking about the stuff you need to add to your to-do list and ruining the moment! Well, now there’s help. MembersOnly.com is a new and exciting dating service matching you with the perfect woman through a 25 point compatibility test. Just listen to what Mary Sishner of Topeka, Kansas had to say:

Mary: I could never find the right man. They were always either too immature, too unmanly, or they just wanted to sit and watch football all day while drinking beer. But then I heard about MembersOnly.com. It sounded perfect for me. I just answered the questions, telling the service all about my needs, and within days I found the c**k of my dreams! Who needs the man?! Now, we’re together 24 hours a day!

Neil’s Penis: Remember, Penises. MembersOnly.com! Stop depending on your stupid owner to stop stuttering when he talks to a woman or understanding what a woman really wants. He’s hopeless. It’s time to get out there and do the f***ing yourself!

Neil: And now we’re back. Dagny, Wendy… please step forward. One of you is the winner of the “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout” — and it is —

Wendy from Quiet About a lot of Things with her guess of: 5’11.5″ feet, 182 lbs.

My actual height and weight is 6’1/2″, 183 lbs.

Tonight, during my “reading,” I will mention in a verbal “link” that everyone should check out Wendy’s site because “she is one of the best bloggers out there today.” Luckily, I actually believe this to be true!

Now, I need to get a haircut for tonight.

Neilochka’s Final Showcase

June 27, 2007 / / 57 Comments

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As I’ve mentioned once before, I will be “reading” from my blog tomorrow, Thursday June 28th at 6:30pm at the Tangier Lounge.($4 cover charge at the door), along with some other glamorous Los Angeles bloggers, each one with the good looks of a Hollywood actor:

Joe from Artlung
Lynda from One Day at a Time
Deezee from Confessional Highway
Jenn from Aka Jesais
Abigail from My Life According to Me
Will from Wildbell
Kevin from Kevin Charnas
Peter from The Buddha Diaries
Tim from LA Daddy

I’m very excited about the evening, the first in a series titled LA Bloggers Live!, and hosted by the fab Leahpeah. I just hope people understand my New York accent and my habit of going “uh…like” a lot. And I don’t even live in the Valley!

If you live in the area, come on down, as they used to say on “The Price is Right.” If you are impressed with my reading, and are a decent-looking woman, I will even autograph the body part of your choosing.

I have one minor reservation with the evening. It sounds a little pretentious. After all, readings are usually associated with novelists and poets, not bloggers. I’m a strong believer that my writing is only part of my blog. Your witty, intelligent, and sometimes downright stupid comments are an integral part of my blogging experience. And what is a blog post without some annoying shoutout to another blogger, some unnecessary links, or even some ass-kissy mention of meeting Dooce in an ice cream parlor, hoping that she might see the link and come visit and validate you as an A-lister?

For that reason, I’d like to introduce the first “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout.” At the end of my five minutes stint of my blog reading tomorrow night, I will present a verbal “link” to another blogger, telling everyone that they should check out this writer because “he/she is one of the best bloggers out there today.”

But which blogger should I choose for this special honor? I know so many fine blog writers. My first choice was easy — Erin from Denver (Villanovababy), but then I felt a little guilty because my choice was less based on her fine writing than my favorite photo of her on Flickr.

Oh, yeah, I’m definitely NOT GAY after seeing this!

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So, I had another idea. In honor of the recent final episode of “The Price is Right,” I will now introduce “Neilochka’s Final Showcase!”

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Whoever can guess both my height and weight to the closest number combination will win this very important prize — a “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout” at tomorrow’s LA blog reading. It will be exactly how we pimp each other in REAL blog posts, but this time LIVE! Remember, it will be the closest of weight + height.

Please, no phone calls to Sophia or my mother. That’s cheating.

And remember — this is Los Angeles — you never know who might show up. Imagine someone hearing my “shoutout” tomorrow night and immediately going onto their Blackberry to check out your blog. Will it be Steven Spielberg? Paris Hilton? Or Neil’s former roommate, who had a bit part on the OC?

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Advice to Other Male Bloggers

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