I’d like to thank Sophia for all the help she gives me with this blog. Besides being my ex, Sophia also is my editor, spell-checker, and grammar-checker (and watches over those posts where I mention her like a hawk — uh, Sophia, I mean a caring, beautiful woman). This week, she’s taken on the role of my public relations manager.
It all started a few days ago. I had just written a post where I tried to hypnotize fellow blogger Brooke into sending me compromising photos of herself. Very few of you saw this post because after I published it, I immediately received a phone call from Sophia.
"What kind of idiotic post is that?"
"I see. A little jealous of my "special relationship" with Brooke?"
"So, what’s the problem?"
"Neilochka, you’re not an eighteen year old keeping a blog to impress four friends. You already have a couple of gray hairs coming out of your ears. You need to think of it as a "calling card" for your writing. You need to be a little more professional."
"And what does that mean?"
"Don’t be too in-groupie. What if some big-shot editor comes by today? He’s not going to know who Brooke is. He’s just going to leave your site."
"I thought everyone knew Brooke."
"Sorry. I know she’s popular, but…"
"OK, I see your point."
"And a few other things…"
"I know you love it… but stop flirting so much. And don’t write every week about your penis."
"Not write about my penis? That’s like asking me to never mention my best friend again!"
"In the real world, if you wanted to write for a magazine — you can’t just write about anything you want. You’d have to pitch a whole bunch of ideas and the EDITOR would decide what you should write. Sometimes, they might assign you a stupid topic that you have absolutely NO INTEREST in."
"That’s right. It could be an article on the history of paper clips and you would have to write it to get paid."
"You want me to write about things I have NO INTEREST in?"
"Of course not. Though, come to think of it, maybe it’s not such a bad idea after all. For practice."
As usual, Sophia is right. Did you know that "Sophia" means wisdom in Greek? I spent the next few days thinking about what Sophia said. Maybe it is time to think of myself as more of a professional. Maybe I should use this blog NOT for writing nonsense, but as a "calling card."
But, how can I prove to the BIG SHOT editors of New York that I can pitch story ideas and listen to the decision of my superiors?
Hey, I got it! Why not EXPLOIT my readers again? They have nothing better to do.
OK, here’s the deal. YOU ARE MY EDITORS. I will now pitch you SIX story ideas. You will pick one (the most votes win). Sometime next week, I will write this story. You can pick it apart. After I re-write it, you can hire me or fire me. Sort of like "The Apprentice."
Sophia will then be proud of me and make me dinner.
MY PITCH IDEAS
1) I will go to the Scientology Center HQ in Hollywood and go on a "tour" of their L. Ron Hubbard museum.
2) I will visit a psychic and palm reader for the first time in my life and see what she has to say.
3) I will eat in Burger King all three meals for one day and report back.
4) I will go to the racetrack and bet $20 on the #3 horse in the third race.
5) I will try some ointment on myself that I see advertised in Maxim magazine that says makes your penis feel "fuller." (had to throw this one in)
6) I will write about the history of paper clips.