the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Neilochka’s Final Showcase


As I’ve mentioned once before, I will be “reading” from my blog tomorrow, Thursday June 28th at 6:30pm at the Tangier Lounge.($4 cover charge at the door), along with some other glamorous Los Angeles bloggers, each one with the good looks of a Hollywood actor:

Joe from Artlung
Lynda from One Day at a Time
Deezee from Confessional Highway
Jenn from Aka Jesais
Abigail from My Life According to Me
Will from Wildbell
Kevin from Kevin Charnas
Peter from The Buddha Diaries
Tim from LA Daddy

I’m very excited about the evening, the first in a series titled LA Bloggers Live!, and hosted by the fab Leahpeah. I just hope people understand my New York accent and my habit of going “uh…like” a lot. And I don’t even live in the Valley!

If you live in the area, come on down, as they used to say on “The Price is Right.” If you are impressed with my reading, and are a decent-looking woman, I will even autograph the body part of your choosing.

I have one minor reservation with the evening. It sounds a little pretentious. After all, readings are usually associated with novelists and poets, not bloggers. I’m a strong believer that my writing is only part of my blog. Your witty, intelligent, and sometimes downright stupid comments are an integral part of my blogging experience. And what is a blog post without some annoying shoutout to another blogger, some unnecessary links, or even some ass-kissy mention of meeting Dooce in an ice cream parlor, hoping that she might see the link and come visit and validate you as an A-lister?

For that reason, I’d like to introduce the first “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout.” At the end of my five minutes stint of my blog reading tomorrow night, I will present a verbal “link” to another blogger, telling everyone that they should check out this writer because “he/she is one of the best bloggers out there today.”

But which blogger should I choose for this special honor? I know so many fine blog writers. My first choice was easy — Erin from Denver (Villanovababy), but then I felt a little guilty because my choice was less based on her fine writing than my favorite photo of her on Flickr.

Oh, yeah, I’m definitely NOT GAY after seeing this!


So, I had another idea. In honor of the recent final episode of “The Price is Right,” I will now introduce “Neilochka’s Final Showcase!”


Whoever can guess both my height and weight to the closest number combination will win this very important prize — a “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout” at tomorrow’s LA blog reading. It will be exactly how we pimp each other in REAL blog posts, but this time LIVE! Remember, it will be the closest of weight + height.

Please, no phone calls to Sophia or my mother. That’s cheating.

And remember — this is Los Angeles — you never know who might show up. Imagine someone hearing my “shoutout” tomorrow night and immediately going onto their Blackberry to check out your blog. Will it be Steven Spielberg? Paris Hilton? Or Neil’s former roommate, who had a bit part on the OC?

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Advice to Other Male Bloggers


  1. Finn

    Um… perfect and perfect? πŸ˜‰

    Or… 5′ 11″ and 155 lbs.

  2. Teebopop

    6 ft 1.5 inches, 165 pounds.

    That’s my guess.

  3. Irina

    1m 75 cm
    72 kg

    Hey, you did say to be precise! ; )

  4. erin

    I am an EXCELLENT writer… I just also happen to be an EXCELLENT Barbarella!

    I’m guessing 6′, 171 lbs.

  5. Neil

    Thanks a lot, Irina. You’re disqualified for being a smart-ass. πŸ˜‰

  6. Neil

    Erin, I didn’t mean to insinuate that your blog wasn’t terrific. It’s just that your portraits are va va voom groovy!

  7. psychomom

    downright stupid commenter says:

    5 feet 12 inches, 184 lbs and 16 ounces

  8. Melissavina

    I’m going to guess 5’10” 168 lbs.

    If I’m way off, I apologize. Well I only apologize if I guessed you shorter or heavier than you are. If I guessed taller and that makes you feel sad, I’m sorry too. If I guessed fewer poundage I’ll never apologize, everyone likes to be thought of as slender. Well, unless you’re one of those “too skinny” people that feels really self conscious of your knobby knees. In that case, I’m still not that sympathetic.

  9. Dink(y)

    6’2.5″ 170 lbs.

  10. Scarlet



    Guys’ weights are hard to guess so if that’s low or high, don’t be mad. It’s a shot in the dark, really.

  11. Abigail

    I could care less about the ass-kissing; I can kiss my own. Or something.

    But what’s this about your roommate on the OC? Who? What part? These are things that grab me.

  12. Rhea

    Uh, how about 5’9 and 175 pounds.

  13. Neil

    Why are people apologizing. Another different between men and women. Do you really think I’m going to be upset if you say I’m heavier than I really am?

    By the way, I think on “The Price is Right” you are automatically eliminated if you choose “over” the amount? Am I right?

    Well, I didn’t mention that in the rules, so it is too late now.

  14. deezee

    You get to be our official PR person! Thanks for spreading the word. The question is is anyone outside us readers actually gonna show???

  15. Jenn

    Hey, how ’bout instead of comments, we just heckle you from the audience πŸ™‚

    –Jenn, aka JeSais, the carpetbaggger from San Diego

  16. Neil

    If we are the only ones there, Deezee, it only makes the experience more “blog-like.”

  17. Neil

    Leah — can I add it to Facebook LA “Events” since I’m now on that ridiculous application?

  18. deezee

    touché, Neil, (in a good way.)

  19. Melissavina

    After you’re finished talking we should all fight to be the first to say something, and then we can all do our best to have the funniest or most interesting two cents about what you just said.

    Will you be holding up large photos at points in your reading to make it more blog-like as well?

    I like this idea. I like it a lot.

  20. Neil

    I just went to the Tangiers Lounge site and now have a better reason for you to come… even better than hearing us read:

    After Work Specials: 5:30pm – 8pm
    $5 Food menu
    $3 Cosmos
    $3 Beer
    $3 Well drinks
    $2 off everything else

    We’re also an opening act, sort of, for the real entertainment at 8PM, a musician named Daniel Persson, who sounds pretty good on his MySpace.

    6:30pm LA Bloggers LIVE
    8pm Daniel Persson
    9pm A Temporary Thing
    10pm The Aimless Never Miss

    I’m lucky I wasn’t there last night for “The Gay Mafia Presents” Night, considering my post yesterday…

  21. Doris

    6’2” 210 lbs

  22. Bre

    Yikes! Following “do unto others” rule… I’m not guessing anything I wouldn’t want guessed! But have fun! πŸ™‚

  23. Patois

    5’11” and 192 pounds. Now, as to what might be on your driver’s license, I’ll go with 6′ and 185 pounds. ‘Cause we all sound better on our driver’s licenses (and in our Blogger profiles).

  24. leahpeah

    neil – add it to whatever you want. can’t wait!

  25. Teebopop

    I didn’t know we could guess what your driver’s license says! Mine says I’m 5′ 10″ and 135 pounds – considering I’m only 5′ I’m hoping it’s not noticeable.

    I forgot to ask, are you weighing yourself with clothes or naked (and without glasses).

    That would make a difference.

    Oh well – I’ll go with my gut and stick with my original guess.

    I hate taking tests. I stress out so much. I need a drink. Oh, wait a minute, I don’t drink. Damn.

  26. brooke

    My guess is 5″8, 160 lbs.

    I think I should get a special shout out just for being your first – and now – discarded – blog crush.

    hehe…I’m getting good at this…

  27. Neil

    Boy, it is harder to make rules for a “game show” than I thought. The height and weight will be measured at NOON tomorrow by an impartial judge, Sophia, to insure fairness. We will use our bathroom scale as the final arbiter. I don’t even know what is on my driver’s license.

    Nice try, Brooke. Next time put out.

  28. laurie

    6 feet, 1.25 inches, weight 162

    And you know Neil, it often seems that people who make off-handed “remarks” about the Valley often wind up, years later, LIVING IN THE VALLEY. I am just warning you is all. Um, like, I hear Van Nuys is nice this time of year…

  29. margalit

    6′ 1/2″
    197 lbs

    hey, I’m from the valley and I never ever uh, um, say um, you know, um.

  30. Neil

    Laurie, Margalit — I love the Valley. That’s where all the really good looking women in California live. I just have a new policy of insulting some group each day. Yesterday, it was gay men. Today, it is the Valley. Tomorrow, I’m debating whether it should be Orthodox Jews or the French.

  31. girlanddog

    5’9″ and 164 lbs.

  32. Chantel

    You were way taller than me when we met. I was wearing heals too!! I’m going with 6’3″, 220 lbs.

    Have a great time at your event.

  33. Danny

    Neil, stop pretending that men don’t care about their weight like women do, we’re probably MORE neurotic. I’d rather go to an ABBA marathon than ask readers to guess my weight. Oy. Just seeing the height/weight speculation makes me think I need to change the name of my blog to “Jabba the Hutt.”

    Have you decided what you’re reading yet?

  34. Neil

    Danny, I’m going to sit down tonight and try to figure it out. I’m thinking that most of the sex-related posts that I wrote, about my penis, for instance, that might be funny on the page, will just sound creepy spoken out loud, so I might just read some of YOUR posts and hope no one notices. Hopefully, you won’t be there when I take credit for them.

  35. Neil

    And of course men are neurotic about their weight. It just doesn’t seem as big an issue, mostly because, like I said in my post yesterday, other men rarely notice these things, unless it is really extreme weight issue. I’ve met you a couple of times now, and for the life of me, I could not guess your height, weight, eye color, etc. But I remember some of the eye colors of women from seeing their photos on Flickr! Maybe I should be more aware of the men in my life.

    Hmmm… maybe I’m more talking about me rather than men in general…

  36. laurie

    I would rather have all the hair on my body hotwaxed off while getting a root canal while listening to chipminks CDs then have anyone guess my weight.

  37. Dagny

    OK. Had to take a look at the photo from SF before I could fathom a guess. 6’2″. 185 pounds.

  38. Dana

    5’9″ and 162 pounds


  39. Two Roads

    6’1″, 202

  40. Pearl

    5 ft, 6 1/2 inches for height

    159 lbs.

  41. littlepurplecow

    5′ 10″
    182 lbs.

    What are you going to wear?

  42. Neil

    Stephanie — I’m glad you asked. What to wear is an issue that DOES affect men. In an alternative universe, I would wear a shirt and tie, because like my father, I believe in decorum. He wore a suit whenever we went to the “theater,” even if it was some “bawdy” show at the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas, where people came in shorts.

    But this being LA, being hip means dressing like Ryan Seacrest — with some cool t-shirt. Just to be unique, I think I will wear a button down shirt and khaki pants — boring stuff. Maybe my shirt will have some color, just to add some flair. I’m comfortable with my boring image. I usually wear sneakers, but I will wear shoes, mostly because I know many women don’t like to see their men in sneakers all the time, Jerry Seinfeld being the exception. Unless it is very hot, then I will dress down. Then again, I might change my mind by tomorrow. The lounge is in trendy Los Feliz. I don’t want to be booed by hipsters who don’t like men in buttoned-down Oxford shirts.

  43. MichelleVan

    I scanned the headline in my feed reader and only saw the word FINAL. I started hyperventilating at the thought of some sort of a final post and never got past the first sentence. Am i supposed to guess something? oh well. I don’t wanna win anyway. Just glad this isn’t a final anything post.

  44. Caryn

    I bid one dollar. Good luck, Neil!

  45. Dagny

    Button down in Los Feliz? Trying to start a new trend or something?

  46. helen

    Enjoy yourself! I did… πŸ™‚

  47. wendy

    5’11 and a half…and 182 lbs.

  48. gorillabuns

    how about, “i wouldn’t venture to guess because i would never want anyone to guess my stats??”

    yeah, i know, it’s a cop out.

    just like my driver’s licence stats reciting my 16 year old bogus info.

    i dare a cop to comment on the obvious.

  49. better safe than sorry

    wish i could be there to be a heckler, sounds like a fun night!
    i’ll guess 5’10”, 157 pounds

  50. V-Grrrl

    I’m a woman who finds a crisp white Oxford shirt and khaiki pants VERY sexy. Y’know, Southern Grrrls are like that. We like our men all buttoned down so we can unbutton them ourselves, thank you very much. Rowr!

    Back to the topic at hand, I’m going to go BIG here. 6 ft 2 inches and 190 lbs.

  51. chloe

    i loved Erin’s picture. She looks fantastic. good luck tonight! i wish i could be there. oh and you’ve been tagged too.

  52. brettdl

    5′-11.5 inches; 159 pounds.

  53. Karl

    6’1″, 168 pounds.

  54. paintergirl

    ok i promised myself not to look at anyones comments.

    5’10 1/2″, 180

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