the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Fifty States, Fifty Positions


Today, I stop being depressed.  I do this by coming up with a plan.  I have decided to look at the positive side of things.  If things fall through with Sophia, I will see the opportunity,  and not the regret.   I will focus on my FREEDOM to be who I WANT to be and to DO what I want to do!

Let me speak to my male blogging friends directly:

I know that many of you are married with children.  I am happy for you.   You are living lives of comfort.   But we both know the truth — you have sacrificed your dreams in accepting this marital bliss.  You have gained a wife’s soft bosom and the joy of a child’s laughter, but it has required a compromise — you have packed your dreams in the dusty attic of your mind, never to be seen again.

I understand.  I was once JUST LIKE YOU, content just to be able to play with a woman’s breasts ANY TIME I wanted to (well, accept before 8AM or during periods)!  Who wouldn’t become complacent under those conditions? 

But I am lucky.   Show no pity for me concerning my situation with Sophia.  This might be the best thing to ever happen to me.

My plan now is to LIVE MY DREAM.   It may be too late for you, my married male blogger friends, but you can certainly help me plan my dream.  Maybe you can live your dream vicariously through me.

I’ll probably end up back in Los Angeles to live, but I thought of going to New York for a while and visiting my mother… maybe even check things out there while I get some therapy.   I was going to fly there, but then I had an idea — why don’t I just drive across this great country of ours?   Then came inspiration!   It was like the stars converged over my head, giving me the opportunity to accomplish my life-long dream —

— yes, getting laid by a different woman in all fifty states. 

Why settle for just one when America offers so much variety?!

All men have this dream,  but how many of us get to achieve it?  We always get bogged down with marriage and babies and cleaning out the garage!

Not me!

I’ve had a slow start.  I’ve only had sex in two states.  Sure, they are the most populous — New York and California, but even Barak Obama can’t win the election with just two states under his belt. (wait a minute:  I think there was one time in Vermont.  I just don’t remember if I made it through the actual “sex” part).

Men, here’s where you can help.  What do you think would be the best route to accomplish all 50 states from California to New York?  I’m not really sure how to program the GPS for this type of information?  How much time should I take in each state?  Remember, I need to drive in town, get a hotel, meet someone, AND get laid — all before I move on to the next state.  Do you think I will need the same amount of time in red states as blue states?  So far, I don’t have any specific plans.  The only “sure-shot” I know about is Blogger X in New Jersey, but she is mad at me right now for not reading her blog lately.  I guess I can always tell her that “I read it in Bloglines!”   Women buy any excuse, right, guys?!

Back to the planning phase.  I will need to also hit Hawaii and Alaska.  Do you think I should hit Hawaii first for the lei, since fares from LAX are pretty reasonable?  I’m also debating whether I should go the southern route via the Gulf States first — before we get too far into the hurricane season.   I’ll probably wait until it is colder before I make the Northern States.  I’m figuring that by then, women will probably be hornier and more desperate, especially around the time of the Christmas parties and New Year’s Eve.

What do you think?  Will it take that long or can I wrap this up by Columbus Day?

Men, I really hope that I can be an inspiration to you.  If I can impart any wisdom to you, it is “Don’t Let Women Rule Your Life — Always Follow Your Dream.”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:   Mel Gibson Arrested for DUI


  1. chez bez

    Your dream is so crazy, it just might work!

    You, Neil, are my new hero. Godspeed.

  2. Dana

    This is a shitty plan, Neil, because now if you ring me, I will have to assume it’s because you want to have your dirty little way with me. I will be forced to let the call go to voicemail.

  3. teebopop

    The only thing wrong with your plan is that the only thing you’ll have to show at the end of such a trip is a lot of orgasmic nights of lust and debauchery.

    You’ll still come out on the other end of the trip without a companion. You’ll still be alone. And honestly, I don’t think you want that.

    Oh, and by the way, these trails of passion you plan on leaving across the country, does this include married women? Just asking …

  4. peefer

    Wow, it really sucks to be a Canadian cuz I have, like, only six provinces or something.

  5. pocketCT

    Hey look! Your path is going right through my little town.

  6. Lisa

    Loved the bloglines excuse. That’s what he told me… and I BELIEVED IT! You’re opening my eyes to a whole world of untruths, Neil!

  7. Dave2

    Or… you could go another route entirely and have sex in every country on the planet! The good news is that you’ve already done the USA on both coasts, so you can check this country off the list and move on to Bahrain or Senegal or perhaps Laos or somewhere like that.

  8. therapydoc

    What a time for me to check in here after a long break. It’s nice to know there are some things a person can count on. I think.

  9. Rhea

    Just be warned that there is a real woman shortage in Alaska. They even have to import them just to have a date.

  10. Rattling the Kettle

    With standards lowered just enough, I bet you could knock this out in about 5 months, or 3 days per state.

    You will be keeping a photo travel blog, right?

  11. sizzle

    i wish you luck on your endeavor. pack condoms!

  12. Neil

    Rattling — Three days per state sounds about right, because I also would like to take in some sightseeing and tasting of the local cuisine. It’s not ALL about getting laid. I’m not superficial. I enjoy museums and culture, too.

    Dana/Sizzle/Lisa/etc. — Unfortunately, I have several female blogging friends in Washington State, creating an awkward situation. I may put off driving through the state until later in the trip just to avoid any uncomfortableness. Perhaps I could meet one of you in Idaho, where I don’t know anyone. I bet you they have excellent potato chips in that state. My treat.

  13. whit

    Depending on your willingness to “pay for it” you may find your stay in some states longer than others. For instance, everyone knows the girls in Utah are easy, but what about North Dakota (that’s a state, right?) where you may have to spend hours trying to find a girl to sleep with you.

    I’m trying to think how many states I’ve had sex in, 8 or 9 I think.

  14. whit

    Also, per your route- don’t forget you have to drive home too. You might be able to cut the country in half, the north and the south. It’s been done.

  15. Neil

    Whit — 8 or 9! Not bad, my man! You’ve been around our country in more ways than one. OK, the truth — is it is true about southern girls and the way or they talk, or is it the northern girls the way they keep their boyfriends warm at night?

    And what is better for a getting laid trip — mapquest or google maps? I could go to AAA for the triptik!

    Peefer — Sure there are less provinces in Canada, but rumor is that it is just as challenging in that country. I hear that the women of Saskatewan NEVER put out, so you might be stuck in that province for months without any action.

    Dave 2 — While I appreciate you wanting to take the international approach, I’m a firm believer in “America First.” I don’t know about you, but despite our problems, I’m proud of our country and want to experience everything it has to offer before I travel the world for international sex.

  16. LauraH

    Women in the Northern states tend to get sleepy in cooler weather. You might run into trouble with that plan.

  17. girlanddog

    Ew. That’s all. Ew.

  18. Woman with Kids

    Well, at least you have a plan, right? Plans are good. I plan to win the lottery, but so far? My plan is not working. Stupid plan.

    Also? The ladies in Maine outnumber the men about 8 to 1, so that should be pretty easy.

  19. Neil

    Girlanddog — Hey, you were the one who told me to appreciate “The Secret” and keeping to your dreams!

  20. Neil

    I just thought of a major problem: the District of Columbia!

  21. steppingoverthejunk

    Your best route may end up having to be “wherever the girls who are willing” would be. So, you may have to see. Some may not step up right off the bat so you may drive to Texas and then have to go back to Nevada. Come to Massachusetts. I wont sleep with you but would meet you out for dinner.

  22. Neil

    Steppingoverjunk — It’s a date! Frankly, by the time I get to New England, I’ll be so tired from all this sex, a good relaxing dinner (Boston Clam Chowder!) will be perfect.

  23. ingenue

    This could be easier than you think. You must have at least one blog crush in each state, right?

  24. question girl

    one word – CRAIGSLIST

  25. Kelly

    Neil, I must compliment you on your ingenuity and positive outlook. Coming up with a great idea in the face of personal difficulties is the purview of the truly intelligent. No namby-pamby curling up on the couch to watch old movies! The route on your map looks great to me…

  26. Miss Syl

    Questiongirl stole my comment.

  27. Iron Fist

    Best. Summer project. Ever.


  28. savia

    Women in Saskatchewan never put out? You have read my blog, haven’t you? Or were you just trying to get my fired up so I’d invite you up here and prove you wrong?

    Either way, I think it’s a shame you’re not making Canada part of your tour. How do you think we keep warm here in the winter?

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