Bid On Me!

Imagine one night a handsome stranger in a tuxedo picks you up at your home.  As he whisks you off to an elegant restaurant, he serves you a glass of champagne in the car.  The dinner is sumptuous.  After the meal, he loosens his tie.  “Now my dear, you are going to have the time of your life.  I am taking you… bowling.”  And off you go the bowling alley, where the handsome stranger totally kicks your butt in bowling, then takes out his laptop and starts blogging about how much of a better bowler he is than you.  You get drunk by yourself while waiting for him to finish publishing his goddamn post, then his wife calls up and says the upstairs toilet is overflowing, and he has to end the date early.

Ha Ha.  I jest.  I am so funny.  Imagine how much funnier I am IN PERSON.  Yes, it is time for me to sell myself.  I would love to have you bid on me for The Not Girls Charity Auction.  

Bidding starts today and runs through Saturday.  

I have never done anything like this before.  I will probably be so grateful to you, I will be kissing your feet all evening.  

Unless you don’t want me to.

All proceeds go to V-Day, which is all about stopping violence against women.  I will be willing to travel all the way to San Diego, Santa Barbara, or Palm Springs just to entertain you (if the price is right)!  I hope everyone will bid on me, including men.  Yes, even including men.  Because this charity is so important, I will even go on a date with another man!  One request:  if you are a man, please call me on the night of the date to make sure we’re not wearing the same outfit.  I can’t wait to meet the highest bidder.

Here is how I’m described on the auction site:

Neil is a writer living in Los Angeles.  He loves little puppies.  He hasn’t gone on a “date” in years with anyone other than his wife.    Well, actually, they’re separated, but she has so much fun with him when they go out that she finds it difficult to kick him out of the house.  He’s really looking forward to meeting you.  His years of being married have turned him into a real gentleman.   He actually opens the door for a woman as she enters the car.   He hates talking on his cell phone, so he won’t be getting calls from “other women” during dinner.   Neil is a great conversationalist and actually listens to a woman during dinner rather than blabbing on about how “successful” he is.   Besides, you can just read his blog and learn the truth.

Can you really resist that?

Sure I know money is tight.  But do you really need to buy another pair of shoes this weekend?  Do you really need to pay your cable bill this month?  Bid on me.  Your money will be going to a great cause and you’ll be having a great time.  

If it helps you, just think of me as a high-priced hooker. 

Wait, forget that one.   How about I just promise you that I’ll be fun…. and at your house on time. 

And Sophia will choose my clothes, so you know I’ll at least look good.

Check out the website.  There are other hot guys, possibly in your part of the country.

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