the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Bid On Me!


Imagine one night a handsome stranger in a tuxedo picks you up at your home.  As he whisks you off to an elegant restaurant, he serves you a glass of champagne in the car.  The dinner is sumptuous.  After the meal, he loosens his tie.  “Now my dear, you are going to have the time of your life.  I am taking you… bowling.”  And off you go the bowling alley, where the handsome stranger totally kicks your butt in bowling, then takes out his laptop and starts blogging about how much of a better bowler he is than you.  You get drunk by yourself while waiting for him to finish publishing his goddamn post, then his wife calls up and says the upstairs toilet is overflowing, and he has to end the date early.

Ha Ha.  I jest.  I am so funny.  Imagine how much funnier I am IN PERSON.  Yes, it is time for me to sell myself.  I would love to have you bid on me for The Not Girls Charity Auction.  

Bidding starts today and runs through Saturday.  

I have never done anything like this before.  I will probably be so grateful to you, I will be kissing your feet all evening.  

Unless you don’t want me to.

All proceeds go to V-Day, which is all about stopping violence against women.  I will be willing to travel all the way to San Diego, Santa Barbara, or Palm Springs just to entertain you (if the price is right)!  I hope everyone will bid on me, including men.  Yes, even including men.  Because this charity is so important, I will even go on a date with another man!  One request:  if you are a man, please call me on the night of the date to make sure we’re not wearing the same outfit.  I can’t wait to meet the highest bidder.

Here is how I’m described on the auction site:

Neil is a writer living in Los Angeles.  He loves little puppies.  He hasn’t gone on a “date” in years with anyone other than his wife.    Well, actually, they’re separated, but she has so much fun with him when they go out that she finds it difficult to kick him out of the house.  He’s really looking forward to meeting you.  His years of being married have turned him into a real gentleman.   He actually opens the door for a woman as she enters the car.   He hates talking on his cell phone, so he won’t be getting calls from “other women” during dinner.   Neil is a great conversationalist and actually listens to a woman during dinner rather than blabbing on about how “successful” he is.   Besides, you can just read his blog and learn the truth.

Can you really resist that?

Sure I know money is tight.  But do you really need to buy another pair of shoes this weekend?  Do you really need to pay your cable bill this month?  Bid on me.  Your money will be going to a great cause and you’ll be having a great time.  

If it helps you, just think of me as a high-priced hooker. 

Wait, forget that one.   How about I just promise you that I’ll be fun…. and at your house on time. 

And Sophia will choose my clothes, so you know I’ll at least look good.

Check out the website.  There are other hot guys, possibly in your part of the country.


  1. Leesa

    You’ll only date in CA?? Tsk, Tsk 😉

  2. V-Grrrl

    If I had the money, I’d bid on you AND fly you to Brussels just so I could take your picture with Manneken Pis.

    We could blog together on matching laptops from a cafe on the Grand Place and eat enough frites to make a cardiologist weep. We could buy Sophia a sweatshirt that says “My husband went to the capital of Europe and all I got was a stinkin sweatshirt.” We could even share an umbrella and I could make fun of your overcoat. We could send your mom a postcard. Sadly, it’s not meant to be. WAH!

    Quietly sobbing into my tea cup with regret as I realize ALL that I am missing by living in Europe….

  3. Killer

    If I bid on you, can you come to the hospital and help wipe people’s asses?

  4. Ash

    I’ll go one up on V-grrl and bid on you and win and have you come to Amsterdam where we could have our photo taken next to the risque exhibits in the sex museum and we could buy Sophia a t-shirt saying ‘My husband went to Amsterdam and all he got was … high’.

    Is this the part where I mention I have lived here four years and never visited a coffee shop?

    I hope someone wins you Neil!

  5. Ash

    oh, I just clicked the link to look at the ‘hot men’. They’re all so young! *waah* How did that happen? Now I’m sobbing in my coffee cup too.

  6. sgazzetti

    Just for the record, it always helps if I just think of you as a high-priced hooker.

  7. Mr. Fabulous

    Can *I* bid on you? And if I win, will we be able to cuddle?

  8. V-Grrrl


    Maybe you could get Neil one of those t-shirts that reads, “I went to Amsterdam and came without shame.”

    Let’s see, Ash, if we split the costs on airfare, we could make it a threesome. I’m sure Neil is game. Let’s meet at a coffe house to discuss this further. You bring the Doritos, I’ll bring the M & Ms.

  9. tamarika

    Okay, all you Neilochka fans out there. Look out and look sharp! I have started the bidding because I see Neil as one high-priced hooker I am willing to bid on, and Philadelphia waits for him – especially clothed by Sophia.

    Plus, it’s for a really good cause.

    Hm … I wonder why you didn’t use the dancing with the broom photo? That was fantastic!

    Never mind, I know what’s inside you and that counts more than any photograph, you gorgeous hunk you!

  10. The Retropolitan

    You’re currently in the lead, Neil. Actually, your bid is eleven times higher than anyone else’s so far.

    AND it’s a good picture of you. I think you’ll raise some good cash for charity.

  11. Jazz

    Would you come to Montreal?

  12. JordanBaker

    You’re currently smoking the competition.

  13. sarah

    wow you have a lot of bids!!! They did tell you that you can’t bid on yourself right 🙂 … i’m joking…

  14. Woman with Kids

    I’m so sorry I’m too far away, but really, don’t you want to come to Maine? In January? So you can freeze?

  15. better safe than sorry

    my oldest daughter had a hot date on new years eve, he took her bowling with his parents and grandparents, imagine her surprise!
    good luck with the bidding, sadly, you’re not even in my country.

  16. Nics

    I think they should have one of these for the UK and Europe market. Good luck Neil!

  17. Megan

    Now I wish I lived in Southern California so I could bid on you! I’ve never hired a manwhore before.

    And I’d so kick your ass in bowling…

  18. deannie

    I regret that I am on the East Coast. Wait, no I don’t, most of these guys are in metropolitan Washington DC like me!!! w00t

  19. Neil

    55 bucks! Is that all I’m worth? 60 bucks, I’ll let you order dessert. 70 bucks and I’ll put out.

    (Mom, get ready for plan B of YOU bidding to jack the price up)

    (Mom, forget plan B. How depressing would that be if YOU won!)

  20. The Retropolitan

    Is plan C having Sophia bid?

  21. Rhea

    I didn’t realize that the proceeds go to V-Day. That’s a great group!! I guess you may be having a date with a lesbian.

  22. Blitz Krieg

    If you come to Union Kentucky Neil we can stop by the Beaver Lick General Store, pick up some beer and sandwiches and have a picnic at Big Bone Lick State Park. What do you think?

  23. V-Grrrl


    I think a lesbian makes a PERFECT date for a married man.

  24. Hilly

    I’m torn….it’s a good cause and the money is right for the goods ;). However, I’d have to drive up for the date and you know we OC people don’t like to drive to LA County….LMAO.

    I think my sense of philanthropy will win over my whiney other half, though.

  25. notcarrie

    Jeez, Neil. At this point I’m going to have to choose car payment or date-with-Neil to even compete! I need some fast cash!

  26. Churlita

    Too bad nobody on there lives anywhere near me.

    On the bright side, you’re already giving me orgasms at my desk at work through your blog, so why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free?

  27. Neil

    Ash — I’ve always wanted to go to Amsterdam!

    Jazz — I love Montreal (except all the snotty Quebecois who hate Americans)

    Tamarika — Philadelphia Freedom!

    Woman with Kids — I’ll come to Maine if you show me how to cook lobster.

    Blitz Krieg — Beaver Lick? Big Bone? Shouldn’t it be “Kentucky is for Lovers,” not Virgina.

    Rhea — A lesbian? Not for long… after this date.

    Hilly — You. Me. Bowling. Anaheim. Think about it.

    Wendy — No man over 25 should have a MySpace page.

  28. Neil

    If someone bids $75 dollars, I will throw in a collectible “Citizen of the Month” keepsake. That’s like getting TWO free gifts inside the box of Cracker Jacks.

  29. Lela

    I was so gonna bid on you until you took back that high priced hooker part. Dang!! Where do you find male hookers anyway?

  30. Caron

    If my face wasn’t throbbing, the choice between a date with you or a root canal would seem like a no-brainer. I’m afraid my tooth will eat up the big money it’s going take to win. Is there a way those of us from far away, and with budgets below your league can still donate to this worthy cause on your behalf? Can we pool our resources and buy a group date? Everyone can get themselves a drink at home, meet in your comment section and share our most humiliating bowling stories from dates past.

  31. ms. sizzle

    i checked the site and there are NO men in washington state. phooey!

  32. buzzgirl

    Sigh. I’d be willing to take the bidding to the three figure mark if you’d come to San Francisco. Southwest and United have super cheap fares. Just think about it.

  33. Neil

    Deal or No Deal

    Howie Mandel: Neil, you just got an email from the Los Angeles Times rejecting your op-ed piece. You do know what that means…?

    The phone rings. Howie Mandel answers it. He nods a couple of times. He hangs up.

    Howie Mandel: That was the banker. Your bids for the auction have dropped down to $10 bucks again. Women were betting on you getting published.

    Neil: They can’t do that! I’m going to submit it now to the New York Times. Don’t give up on me yet!

    Howie Mandel: The New York Times. Yeah, right… you better make that Citizen of Month collectible really, really nice…

    Neil: $75! I’ll even let you win in bowling! And I promise to be a real gentleman.  I won’t even check out your ass while we’re walking to the restaurant.

  34. Neil

    Buzzgirl just raised the stakes. What a gal!

  35. EEK

    Holy crap, Neil. You’re killing the other autionees in the bidding. I knew you’d do well, but this is impressive.

  36. Jack


  37. Neil

    C’mon, Jack, prove that you’re a real man. Bid on me.

  38. laurie

    I see you took me and Ellen seriously! That picture rocks!

    You have more bids than anyone else! I am secretly very pleased by this. Apparently I am competitive in weird ways… I want you to win! kick all the other auctionee’s butts! (Now you see why I have no kids, I would be a really aggro soccer mom.)

  39. Katie

    You definitely have the best photo. Sorry I’m not on your coast.

  40. Neil

    $90 and I will write a post saying how beautiful and wonderful you are right on this site.

    $100 and I will dance to a song of your choosing.

  41. bookfraud

    neil! you’re leading at $80. even more than the guy wearing camouflage! more than the man who appears to be masturbating! and you’re the oldest dude there! (tied with “the virtual life of a man with no life,” which, if you ask me, is not a great pickup line (“i have a virtual life and no real life”).

    you’re the man.

  42. mysterygirl!

    You’re holding steady at $80, but I bet lots of ladies are waiting for a few minutes before the end of the auction to place their bids– you know, like on eBay.

    Way to crush the competition!

  43. Mist 1

    I’ve never had a high priced hooker, but I once got a professional quality stripper at Home Depot.

  44. Danny

    Woo-hoo, you are smashing the competition! Forget about ever looking for work again, your career as a high-priced gigolo or boy toy is assured!

    For that price, you better give sex, therapy, or a root canal.

  45. notcarrie

    Just $90 to get my very own post about how beautiful and wonderful I am? I like that idea.

  46. Kathy

    Love your entry here. Too bad I live on the other coast. I’m adding your link over at my place. Hope you help raise tons of money.


  47. tamarika

    Okay Neil – put your mouth where the money is!

  48. Neil

    Kathy — do I really want to be linked to you saying this — ?

    “here’s another link, he’s one of the guys up for bid. Citizen of the Month » Bid On Me! Sounds like he has a great personality (oh, isn’t that what they say when something is missing in the looks department? ouch). Another blog to read.”

    Thanks a lot! I’m not going to be hiring you as my PR person any time soon.

  49. javacurls

    Wait a second V-grrrl & Ash…I think we may have to make this a foursome! I don’t think Neil would mind at all!

    Just checked the auction & your bid is up to $105! Way to go Neil! Girls just love cute jewish boys! 😉

  50. Non-Highlighted Heather

    Mist 1 – Hahaha. ::Puts dollar in her tip jar::

  51. ElizaF

    You’re just a ‘lil ole man whore there Neil. You will have to spend a weekend watching the Deuce Bigalow dvds to see how it is done.

  52. ElizaF

    Deuce Bigalow watch out!

  53. an9ie

    Alas, Neil, I cannot afford to fly you out to Australia, but I’m watching the bidding with interest to see how much smart, funny he-bitch-man-shores retail for these days! (I love the first Deuce Bigalow movie 🙂

  54. Jennifer

    On the basis of your ad, if you aren’t the night’s biggest draw, you might at least get a writing gig offer out of the deal.

    I would TOTALLY drive up your price if I were in the audience.

  55. Karen

    100 bucks – impressive

  56. Dagny

    Hmmm. I might have to dump Sports Guy. Because I’m not sure about Santa Barbara, but I could totally drive to Solvang.

  57. Eileen

    Damn if only this contest was in Canada. Curse you geography

  58. Neil

    Dagny — if you come to Solvang, we can live it up drinking wine like in that movie “Sideways.” It is so totally worth it.

  59. V-Grrrl

    A foursome with Javacurls, Ash, and me. Sounds good Grrrls!

    I bet ING Bank Amsterdam wouldn’t blink at giving us a loan for, um, personal services. They probably have a whole department for that–and the loan officer’s desk is in a shop window visible from the street… ; D

  60. Neil

    So, it is true what they say: “Anything goes in Amsterdam.” Damn, I might just fly there without the auction.

  61. claire

    way to go, Neil! V-day is a kickass charity. Alas, I’m on the wrong coast, but I’m looking forward to seeing what else you’ll offer up for the right price. 😉

  62. Paris Parfait

    Oh, Neil – if I were rich, I’d bid on you and fly you to Paris! As it is, guess I’ll have to read about your date with the lucky lady. Sigh.

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