Citizen of the Month » Ways That I Suck

Ways That I Suck

#1 – On September 7, 2005, I ran my first blog “poll” in a post titled “Be My Editor.” I proposed six story ideas that I should write and asked you to vote for one. The aim was to prove that I was a professional and could write an article “on time.” The winning choice was for me to go on a tour of the L. Ron Hubbard Museum at the Scientology Center in Hollywood. A few days later, my father passed away. I completely forgot about this post and never wrote the piece — and it was almost two years ago!

#2 – On January 14, 2007, Tamarika “won” a date with me by bidding for charity. She paid more money than I ever would for a date with myself. I made all these promises to her to show her a good time, even if it meant flying to Philadelphia. And so far, zilch. I haven’t even offered her any phone sex.

#3 — On April 25, 2007, I promised the first reader who buys Crazy Aunt Purl’s upcoming book a special gift — a washcloth “handknit” by ME! I wasn’t really that interested in learning to knit. The real aim was to win favor with Crazy Aunt Purl and get to see her in her self-crocheted knickers. The winner of this contest was Psychomom. But after the contest, did I ever knit that washcloth? Have I even taken a step to LEARN how to make a washcloth? You can guess the answers.

#4 — On June 28, 2007, I ran a contest where I asked my readers to guess my height and weight. The winner was promised a “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout” at my blog reading at LA Bloggers Live! The winner was Wendy from “Quiet About a Lot of Things.” After my reading, I finally kept one of my promises. I told the audience members to check out one of my favorite bloggers, Wendy from Quiet About a Lot of Things at quietaboutalotofthings.com. I was very happy to see a few people jotting down her address. Today, I went to Wendy’s site and the first thing I noticed is that the address I gave was wrong! It is quietaboutalotofthings.blogspot.com!

I suck. Like most men who make promises to women. Tamar, Psychomom, Wendy — I’ll make it up to you the way I always make it up to the women in my life — in the bedroom.

For now, here are some flowers.

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34 Comments so far
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Thank you for being honest with us about your suckage.

All this was really a ploy by your penis to get some action wasn’t it?

Finn — it’s good to see that you know me by now.

Neil - You are a crack up. I just discovered your blog, and I am in love.

the good news is, you can still try to make it up to them. get to it!

Remember the old days when you’d just buy a woman a hat? At least that’s what Ricky Ricardo and Fred Mertz did. I only hope these are the worst problems you ever face.

1. Write the story NOW. I for one would LOVE to hear your take on the Scientology freaks and I want to know what those centers are like even though I’d never step foot in one. I think you are the perfect candidate for this article and I give you two weeks. (Just PLEEEEASE don’t become a Scientologist.)

2. Tamar is coming here for a visit on July 14th and you will finally be making good on the date that she purchased. Sophia and I will be chaperoning to make sure that Tamar gets her money’s worth.

3. Forget it, you’re never going to learn how to knit. Go to the Redondo Beach Bed, Bath, and Beyond and buy her a cute washcloth. Then personalize it with fabric markers. She’ll love it.

4. I admired your insistence on keeping that promise the other night. Even better to put a link to her blog here today since no one ever writes down the correct URL. I’m sure Wendy’s stats are going through the roof.

Problems solved. If only all of life’s woes were that easily addressed.

You do suck, Neil. But you’re working on it, and that’s what matters.

And you should always be completely and totally free and sluttily available for yourself, that’s what I say. Nobody else will be.

And in that last paragraph, I mean “you” in the general sense, not you in particular.

What I mean is, we ALL need to be free and sluttily available to ourselves. We owe ourselves that much.

Aaahhhh Flowers, Love Um.

But I don’t think you suck, you’re just an imperfect human and real full of shit. Wait, I mean you are forgetful.

I would also like to hear your story or ‘CliffsNotes’ on Scientology . I hate to admit that I actually bought the book Dianetics but never read it.

Your story would probably be better.

So you’re going to redecorate their bedrooms?

what - they have to share the flowers - they don’t each get their own?

hey - at least you fess up to your foibles

Neil, we all suck. Some of us are just more aware of our own suckage than others. The ones that tick me off are the ones that think everyone sucks but them.

Talk about blog audience participation though.

I just realized how much I just ramble at my readers.

AWw how sweet with the flowers! I remember when I suggested you go to East in Flushing and you went! Sucking can be a good thing (wink)

Neil, we really, really like you.

Glad the reading went so well.

Clearly those flowers weren’t delivered via FTD.

Are those real flowers you’re sending or you meant merely posting the flowers on your blog?

BTW, multi-coloured flowers ain’t nice. Unless it’s a visit to the cemetery.

well…perhaps you should stop doing contests and putting yourself up for sale until you can follow through…hehe.

It’s never too late to make good! Or… you know, send actual flowers :-p

Neil,
I am honored to be your blog crush of the day! Better than flowers (but I happen to like multi-colored because wildflower bunches are the nicest)! (kiss on the cheek)
xoxo
Amy

This makes me feel a little better about the time you promised to mail my panties back to me after that hotel tryst in Delaware, and then never did.

There’s nothing wrong with being lame…At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

good call on the flowers!
i’m not really sure why anyone would knit anyone a wash cloth, aren’t they made out of terry cloth, not wool? maybe this is some u.s.a. cultural thing i’m not up on.

You also promised “Wine and Dine” when I’m in LA..which may be in Oct….so better start savin your pennies. Sophia and I have expensive tastes…..

Neil, a couple of things: I see that you have ignored Sophia’s advice regarding writing about your penis (or was it having your penis write about you - whatever) and I think it is time you go to the psychic or palm reader and get an analysis - you did at one point mention therapy, perhaps this is just what you need!

“this is what you need” by way of the psychic or palm reader not the therapy.

how much did you pay for those?

Eh, I think women like their men to break their promises. This enables them to think that they can “change him.”

What’s stopping you from going to the L. Ron Hubbard Museum? Fear of Cruise? Travlota?

Oy. I don’t ever want to have to make that list. It would be worse than yours.

Tag! You’re IT!

http://sicat222.blogspot.com/2007/07/magic-8-ball.html

wait….can’t we change men? i’m sooo misinformed!

maybe, i should inform my husband.

Wow! Where have I been? Away too long, obviously! But I came home to these beeoootiful flowers, promises of “in the bedroom,” and chaperoning from Danny and Sophia! I simply can’t wait. I’ll have to stop myself from pinching your cheeks!

That took some serious penis confidence to post like you do.

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Neil Kramer is a writer in Los Angeles (well, New York now). Citizen of the Month is his blog. Make yourself at home.

Email and IM:
neilochka at yahoo dot com

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