BlogHer who? Blog about being a Man — July 27-29!
Anything you can do, We can do better!
(nostalgic for BlogHim ’06?)
Author: Neil Kramer (Page 110 of 187)
“You’re going to go OUT dressed like that?”
“What do you mean? It’s a new dress. A couple of women in the dressing room loved it. I think it’s cute. The salesgirl said I looked really good in it.”
“Of course she said that. It looks like you’re wearing a red bra on the outside of your dress.”
“No, it doesn’t. The red is part of the dress, but that alone would be, um, too small. I’m wearing a black sports bra underneath.”
“Maybe this dress just isn’t for you. I’m serious. It looks like you dressed up when you were still half-asleep and put your bra on top.”
“Neilochka… What do you know about fashion? Besides, if it does look like a red bra – I still like it.”
“Let me ask my readers.  The women are very fashionable.  And the men will get a kick out of thinking they’re seeing you in your bra.”
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I love when it gets hot in L.A., 100 degrees hot, and the AC conks out for those on the 405, and Jesus Gonzalez climbs from his stalled Toyota truck, sweaty and wet, but happy because his radio still works, and his favorite song blasts on Latino 96.3, and the sisters Johnson — Francee and Frenchie from Compton, CA — exit their Hyundai and dance on the hood, stripped to their bras, and the Goodyear Blimp flies overhead, barely seen because the rising heat fogs up the sky like a steam room.Â
“Pump it up, Jesus,” I yell from above.Â
I am the pilot of the Goodyear Blimp. I came to L.A. in ’87 from Phoenix, after my bitter divorce.  “Louder!” I cry, only knowing the song because it is a favorite of Rhonda, the fortyish woman I met at Winchell’s Donuts a few days ago, the woman I left in bed this morning with her nipples still hard, the one I thought about all morning while eating my Egg McMuffin, while reading about the Dodgers, while driving to my job in which I fly the Goodyear Blimp high in the air, over the oven of a city, over the traffic of the 405, over the music blasting from the Toyota truck of Jesus, over the sisters Johnson, dancing in their bras, and while I listen to the beat and the Spanish lyrics that I cannot understand, I swear I can feel Rhonda’s heat still on my fingers.
For Schmutzie, before her surgery:
The World’s Largest Rooster
Shediac, New Brunswick
The new Creation Museum in Kentucky presents a “walk through history.†Designed by a former Universal Studios exhibit director, this state-of-the-art 60,000 square foot museum brings the pages of the Bible to life, and attempts to show an alternative to the “evolutionary” model of history.
Its main competitor, the new Creationist Museum in Redondo Beach, CA, also focuses on the truth of the entire Bible, and uses the science to proves its validity. The highlight of this exciting museum is the interactive Garden of Eden room, which is so realistic, many visitors say that they feel as if they are walking “right through the Bible.”
Text from the Creationist Museum of Redondo Beach exhibit catalog:
“And when the woman saw that the tree was pleasant to the eyes, she took of the forbidden fruit thereof, and did eat, and he did eat of her. And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons, but the aprons didn’t stay on for long as man and woman went on their third date, and the moon was bright, and they were bathing in the warm waters of the river, and man could not hide his growing desire for woman, taken of his own rib, and they lay on the grass as one, and they watched what the animals did, and they immediately did the same.
And God looked down and saw that his children were disobeying him and his anger was strong, and God thought of smiting his children until he saw woman atop of man, a lily in her hair, riding him as if he were a wild goat, and he heard his children, together in unison, dedicating their happiness to him by loud shouts of “Oh God, oh God, ohhhh God!” And then, all of God’s anger disappeared, proud of the wonderful summer activity that he had created for those in the Garden, and honored by all the praise that he was receiving.
And this was the birth of Monotheism, the idea of one God.”
Audio from the first LA Bloggers Reading. (thanks Jenn)
#1 – On September 7, 2005, I ran my first blog “poll” in a post titled “Be My Editor.” I proposed six story ideas that I should write and asked you to vote for one.  The aim was to prove that I was a professional and could write an article “on time.” The winning choice was for me to go on a tour of the L. Ron Hubbard Museum at the Scientology Center in Hollywood.  A few days later, my father passed away.  I completely forgot about this post and never wrote the piece — and it was almost two years ago!
#2 – On January 14, 2007, Tamarika “won” a date with me by bidding for charity. She paid more money than I ever would for a date with myself. I made all these promises to her to show her a good time, even if it meant flying to Philadelphia. And so far, zilch. I haven’t even offered her any phone sex.
#3 — On April 25, 2007, I promised the first reader who buys Crazy Aunt Purl’s upcoming book a special gift — a washcloth “handknit” by ME!  I wasn’t really that interested in learning to knit. The real aim was to win favor with Crazy Aunt Purl and get to see her in her self-crocheted knickers. The winner of this contest was Psychomom. But after the contest, did I ever knit that washcloth? Have I even taken a step to LEARN how to make a washcloth? You can guess the answers.
#4 — On June 28, 2007, I ran a contest where I asked my readers to guess my height and weight. The winner was promised a “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout†at my blog reading at LA Bloggers Live! The winner was Wendy from “Quiet About a Lot of Things.” After my reading, I finally kept one of my promises. I told the audience members to check out one of my favorite bloggers, Wendy from Quiet About a Lot of Things at quietaboutalotofthings.com. I was very happy to see a few people jotting down her address. Today, I went to Wendy’s site and the first thing I noticed is that the address I gave was wrong! It is quietaboutalotofthings.blogspot.com!
I suck. Like most men who make promises to women.  Tamar, Psychomom, Wendy — I’ll make it up to you the way I always make it up to the women in my life — in the bedroom.
For now, here are some flowers.
The LA Bloggers Live reading was a lot of fun. I read this post.
It’s an interesting exercise to read a post out loud because you can actually hear when something works or not. I might start reading all my posts out loud to myself before I publish it.
One warning to other bloggers: be careful when you go into your archives and start reading your old posts. You might realize how crappy most of them were.
I practiced reading my post as I was driving to the event. Sophia suggested that I read it slowly, since I tend to speak too fast.
One warning to other bloggers: be careful when reading out loud from a notepad when driving. I almost got into an accident on the 405, which would have put a damper on the entire evening.
I’m glad I double-spaced my printout, or I would have been hopelessly lost. This lounge was pitch dark.
Photo of Neilochka by Will Campbell, a terrific LA blogger
who read that night. That’s Sophia under my left arm,
which made me happy because I could finally say
that I had her “under my thumb.”
The best part of the evening was meeting other LA bloggers. I love the fact that I have virtual friends all over the world, but nothing can compare to meeting people in person and getting a real sense of their quirks and personality. After the reading, Sophia and I went with Danny and Deezee for some light dinner. At some point, I felt this transformation: these two people were slowly becoming less “blogging friends” than “actual friends,” and that was a nice feeling.
One warning to other bloggers: Try to avoid talking about politics when Sophia and Deezee are in the same room.
Neil: Your guesses are now in. What is Neilochka’s height and weight? Who will win the “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout†at tonight’s LA blog reading. The excitement is intense. Our systems were overloaded last night as we received THIRTY MILLION guesses.
I know many of you have been up all night waiting for the results, so I would like the following four bloggers to stand up in front of their monitors. You were the closest four in guessing correctly.
Psychomom
Guess: 6 feet, 185 lbs.
Dagny from Dagny’s Empire
Guess: 6’2″ feet, 185 lbs.
Wendy from Quiet About a lot of Things
Guess: 5’11.5″ feet, 182 lbs.
Stephanie from Cool People I Know
Guess: 5’10” feet, 182 lbs.
Although only one of you can win the prize, you all should consider yourselves “winners.” If any of you are ever in Los Angeles, I will personally wine and dine you, and show you all the tourist sites of Redondo Beach.
But now, for the winner. I’m going to split you up into two groups. Psychomom and Stephanie to the right. Dagny and Wendy to the left. And now before I announce the winner… a message from our sponsor!
Audience: BOOOOOOO!
Neil’s Penis: Hi there. Are you a penis who’s stuck on a man who never gets laid? Don’t you wish you could just sometimes break free and have your own, healthy sex life, away from the annoying neuroticism and passive-aggressiveness of your owner, who is always ruining things for you right when he starts fumbling with her bra. When will your owner learn that sex is really quite simple. You stick me in and I work my magic! Stop talking about the stuff you need to add to your to-do list and ruining the moment! Well, now there’s help. MembersOnly.com is a new and exciting dating service matching you with the perfect woman through a 25 point compatibility test. Just listen to what Mary Sishner of Topeka, Kansas had to say:
Mary: I could never find the right man. They were always either too immature, too unmanly, or they just wanted to sit and watch football all day while drinking beer. But then I heard about MembersOnly.com. It sounded perfect for me. I just answered the questions, telling the service all about my needs, and within days I found the c**k of my dreams! Who needs the man?! Now, we’re together 24 hours a day!
Neil’s Penis: Remember, Penises. MembersOnly.com! Stop depending on your stupid owner to stop stuttering when he talks to a woman or understanding what a woman really wants. He’s hopeless. It’s time to get out there and do the f***ing yourself!
Neil: And now we’re back. Dagny, Wendy… please step forward. One of you is the winner of the “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout†— and it is —
Wendy from Quiet About a lot of Things with her guess of: 5’11.5″ feet, 182 lbs.
My actual height and weight is 6’1/2″, 183 lbs.
Tonight, during my “reading,” I will mention in a verbal “link” that everyone should check out Wendy’s site because “she is one of the best bloggers out there today.†Luckily, I actually believe this to be true!
Now, I need to get a haircut for tonight.
As I’ve mentioned once before, I will be “reading” from my blog tomorrow, Thursday June 28th at 6:30pm at the Tangier Lounge.($4 cover charge at the door), along with some other glamorous Los Angeles bloggers, each one with the good looks of a Hollywood actor:
Joe from Artlung
Lynda from One Day at a Time
Deezee from Confessional Highway
Jenn from Aka Jesais
Abigail from My Life According to Me
Will from Wildbell
Kevin from Kevin Charnas
Peter from The Buddha Diaries
Tim from LA Daddy
I’m very excited about the evening, the first in a series titled LA Bloggers Live!, and hosted by the fab Leahpeah. I just hope people understand my New York accent and my habit of going “uh…like” a lot. And I don’t even live in the Valley!
If you live in the area, come on down, as they used to say on “The Price is Right.” If you are impressed with my reading, and are a decent-looking woman, I will even autograph the body part of your choosing.
I have one minor reservation with the evening. It sounds a little pretentious. After all, readings are usually associated with novelists and poets, not bloggers. I’m a strong believer that my writing is only part of my blog. Your witty, intelligent, and sometimes downright stupid comments are an integral part of my blogging experience. And what is a blog post without some annoying shoutout to another blogger, some unnecessary links, or even some ass-kissy mention of meeting Dooce in an ice cream parlor, hoping that she might see the link and come visit and validate you as an A-lister?
For that reason, I’d like to introduce the first “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout.” At the end of my five minutes stint of my blog reading tomorrow night, I will present a verbal “link” to another blogger, telling everyone that they should check out this writer because “he/she is one of the best bloggers out there today.”
But which blogger should I choose for this special honor? I know so many fine blog writers. My first choice was easy — Erin from Denver (Villanovababy), but then I felt a little guilty because my choice was less based on her fine writing than my favorite photo of her on Flickr.
Oh, yeah, I’m definitely NOT GAY after seeing this!
So, I had another idea. In honor of the recent final episode of “The Price is Right,” I will now introduce “Neilochka’s Final Showcase!”
Whoever can guess both my height and weight to the closest number combination will win this very important prize — a “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout” at tomorrow’s LA blog reading. It will be exactly how we pimp each other in REAL blog posts, but this time LIVE! Remember, it will be the closest of weight + height.
Please, no phone calls to Sophia or my mother. That’s cheating.
And remember — this is Los Angeles — you never know who might show up. Imagine someone hearing my “shoutout” tomorrow night and immediately going onto their Blackberry to check out your blog. Will it be Steven Spielberg? Paris Hilton? Or Neil’s former roommate, who had a bit part on the OC?
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Advice to Other Male Bloggers
Despite the recent posts about my gardening and love for ABBA, I just want to say for the record — I’m not gay. If I was gay, I would be completely proud of it. In fact, it might even be a blessing, so I wouldn’t have to deal with dating women.
But honestly, the shirtless guy seen above, featured on Cosmo’s website as some hottie, does absolutely nothing for me. What’s sexy about this guy? Who knows? His abs? I don’t even understand what women see in men. In my eyes, men mostly look dumb, especially when they are posing half-naked.
Straight men rarely “look” at other men as “objects of beauty.” Women are more appreciative of the attractiveness of their own gender. When I was first dating Sophia, she would sometimes ask me if I thought some woman on the street was pretty. At the time, I thought she was testing me, so I always answered, “Nah. You are the prettiest.”
Eventually, I learned that this wasn’t a ruse. She was genuinely interested in my opinion. She enjoyed looking at other women, as much as a man. She could see the beauty in a woman.
We could be watching “All My Children,” and Sophia will say, “Isn’t the new nurse at Pine Valley Hospital very pretty? I love her hair. Maybe I should get my hair done like that.”
I don’t remember ME ever asking Sophia if she thought some guy was sexy.  Straight men don’t think about how other men look. They care about what car they drive.
As a experiment today, I went to Starbucks and surreptitiously checked out other men, trying to figure out if I could find a man “sexy” in a aesthetic, non-sexual way.
It didn’t work.
It didn’t matter if the guy was young or old, thin or fat, he was pretty much just a guy. There was one guy who walked into Starbucks wearing tight jeans and had a nice hard ass, but so what! It didn’t make me want to go on a date with him. And that whole “checking out a man’s package” when he’s wearing pants is a total myth. I tried it in Starbucks, and you can’t tell anything!
Anyway, I just wanted to report back to you.
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