Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

BlogHim ’06

blogconf.jpg

BlogHim
Opening Session
Date: Today
Location: Santa Clarita, CA Holiday Inn – Conference Room #F
Moderator: Neil Kramer

Neil stands in front of a group of about 300 dedicated male bloggers of all races, religions, and ages.

Neil: “Welcome to the First Annual BlogHim Conference. Many have asked me why I have started this conference catering to the male blogger. Is this conference just a pale imitation of the BlogHer Conference being held at the Hyatt San Jose in July? Absolutely not. BlogHim is much more important than BlogHer. Look online. Who rules the blogosphere? It is the female blogger. The Mommy Bloggers. The Dating Bloggers. The Dooces and Stephanie Kleins. Men are the poor cousins of the women in the personal blogging world. I am frequently asked by male readers: “Neilochka, why are you always ass-kissing your female readers with topics of interest to them? What about us men?” I am guilty as charged. That’s why I’ve started BlogHim. BlogHim will strengthen us as a community — a community of men talking about issues important to us as male bloggers. Let me open up the floor to any questions or comments concerning men and the blogosphere.”

BLOGGER #1 raises his hand.

Neil: “Yes. Please tell us all your name and what blog you write.”

Blogger #1 (standing) “My name is Roy. I write a blog titled, “I Love Linux.” I have a question I want to ask all the other male bloggers.”

Neil: “Go ahead, Roy.”

Blogger #1: “I’ve been pondering this question for a very long time. In fact, I think about it every time I go online. Of all the female bloggers out there, which one would you most like to f***?”

Neil: “Interesting question. Anyone?”

BLOGGER #2 raises his hand.

Neil: “Yes. Please.”

Blogger #2: “The name is Trent. My blog is called “‘NYMets4Ever.” And if I were to pick just one blogger to f***, it would be Xxxx of Xxxxxx.”

Blogger #1: “But she’s like fifty years old!”

Blogger #2: “Experience, baby!”

MALE BLOGGER 3 stands, excitedly.

Blogger #3: “Hey, I’d f*** her, too! Oh, excuse me. My name is Edgar and I write “The Conservative Daddy.” I don’t know about the rest of you, but have you seen the photo she posted on her blog on Sunday? She’s hot! And she has great tits.”

Blogger #1: “That photo is of her daughter, who was visiting for Mother’s Day.”

Blogger #3: “Oh. Well, so, you know what — I’d f*** them both!”

Blogger #2: “Absolutely!”

Blogger #3: “Hey, I’m curious about everyone else? How many of you have f***ed mother and daughter bloggers at the same time?”

All the men look at each other, warily. One hand goes up. Suddenly, all the hands go up.

Blogger #1: “What about you, Neilochka?”

Neil: (nervously) “Yeah, yeah, of course. I’ve even f***ed a daughter, mother, and grandmother blogging team.”

Blogger #1: “Wow! No wonder you’re the moderator. Tell us more.”

Neil: “That’s for tomorrow’s breakfast seminar.”

Blogger #2: “You’re the man, Neil. You have so many female readers. You must be f***ing all the time!”

Neil: “Sure, yes…blogging has been good to me.”

Blogger #2: “Me, too. Ever since I started blogging, I’ve been like f***ing one woman after another! How about everyone else?”

Everyone nods their head in agreement. Shouts of “Woo-hoo!” are heard.

Blogger #3: “Neilochka, you’re so lucky to be separated. Ever since I got married, I’m stuck with my wife. And she won’t even go down on me anymore.”

Blogger #2: “That sucks.”

Blogger #3: “Yes, but she doesn’t!”

Blogger #1: “Ha ha ha. Good one!”

Blogger #2: “Yeah. If there’s one thing male bloggers have that female bloggers don’t, is an excellent sense of humor.”

Blogger #3: “I love you guys. All of you guys. You’re like family to me.”

He hugs the blogger sitting next to him.

Blogger #1: “This conference is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve learned so much already.”

Blogger #2: “I really want to learn how to f*** more female bloggers, just like the rest of you guys.”

Blogger #1: “I thought you SAID you’ve already been f***ing a lot of female bloggers?”

Blogger #2: “Oh, yeah, of course I am. I’m f***ing them all the time. I just want to do it more. There’s never enough f***ing, is there? I mean, that’s why I’m blogging, right?!”

Blogger #3: “Right on, Brother!”

Neil: “I really appreciate your honesty, Edgar. That’s what BlogHim is all about. Gentleman, I think we’ve all made friends for life here. I’m so glad we’re having this opportunity to get together as men and talk about what really matters to us as male bloggers! Now, let’s bring in those kegs and strippers!”

Shouts of Woo-hoo!

74 Comments

  1. I think you’re confusing a male blogvention with an NFL locker room. 🙂

  2. Such an interesting topic. Brilliant. Really.
    I don’t know what an NFL locker is but what Jackt said, nonetheless.
    lol! 🙂
    Fitèna

  3. I tried, oh so hard, to be offended by this, but I just couldn’t. Well, a little. I was a little offended that no one said they wanted to f*** me.

  4. Neil, you’re brilliant!! Just what we female bloggers always wanted to know ;).

  5. I can’t imagine BlogHim taking place anywhere but Vegas for some reason…

  6. can you put me there on the next conference? coz i’m not getting that sort of thing so far. chickybabe just come around and drop smart comments and so far i’m not getting anything interesting
    😀

  7. It’s unlikely truer words have ever been written.

  8. This is why men rule the world. They know what matters most.

  9. I thought I hit the mother lode the other day, I was getting cyber-laid like a fat teenager in an AOL chatroom on bicycle repair… but alas, I had just wandered into the free Wi-Fi field of San Quentin

  10. I want what women want, I think, but they won’t tell me because I’m expected to know.

    Now I’m more confused.

  11. We already know the only reason men do anything is in hopes of getting laid.

  12. Wow! I never realized what a slut Xxxx of Xxxxxx was.

  13. That bitch is cheating on me and her daughter too.

  14. I’m suddenly having second thoughts about the whole Augusta issue.

  15. Kegs and strippers! What a conference.

  16. Why must every event men hold have to end with kegs and strippers? Seriously?

  17. I really want someone to do a study about how blogs really help men to get laid. (Yeah, I said it.)

  18. Ha! F***ing perfect….thanks for the laugh this morning, Neil!

  19. Doh, I should have become a blogger before I got married.

  20. Sign me up, Brother Blogger!

  21. I would love to be a guest stripper, I mean speaker at your next conference.

  22. Frankly, I’m terribly disappointed and offended by this post Neil, and I will never ever EVER read Citizen Of The Month again. I am above this. From now on, if you see my IP, it’s for the purpose of research and monitoring. ‘Got that straight?

    Oh, by the way, those e-mails I’ve been sending you—the ones for advice on f***ing bloggers—will you please get back to me? You know, for closure.

  23. I found you from Stephs blog and I will be back .. I havent laughed so hard in a long time.. Thanks

  24. NOW we know why you have a Blog Crush of the Day in your sidebar.

  25. Strippers and a beer keg? You’re one step away from FSM-ism, dude!
    Sounds like fun – can I come if I do it in drag?

  26. Hmmm. Just never imagined Santa Clarita as a place where people got wild and crazy. No, I take that back. I could maybe imagine some swingers parties happening there but BlogHim? Next year you guys should try for Vegas.

  27. sorry to jump in here jenni, but how exactly do you propose to end it better than with kegs and strippers?

  28. Cleverly disquised attempt to end up on the front page of the BlogHer.org website?

    I wonder????

  29. Of course, substitute the word “blog” for “f***,” and you’ve got one hell of a conference, sweets!

    Plus, it gives new meaning to the expression “I’m blogging this.”

  30. Chantel — Why? Do I know someone who writes for the BlogHer website? But I just found out that this photo I used, taken by Tyn, is of Robert Scoble and Chris Pirillo, two of the biggest bloggers in the internet/technology world. If this site is closed down by Microsoft, you’ll know why.

  31. thanks so much for this article and the one about fat people, I am so sensitive about these issues.

  32. Next you’ll be telling them about Bonding Exercise #2, where we bond by exercising #2 together.

  33. God, I’d love to get out there and f**ck a bunch of male bloggers. But, shit, who would hold my purse?

  34. At BlogHer we prefer fancy mixed drinks with little umbrellas during our wild lesbian mommyblogger jello-wrestling orgies… Kegs and strippers are boring.

    8-P

  35. …what? No nachos?

  36. For the next BlogHim meeting you should have cheerleaders. Just a suggestion.

  37. I’ll bet they have beer during the sessions at BlogHim.
    That was f***cked up Neil. Excellent!

  38. this is why men frighten me.

  39. **peeking over the fence**

    Did someone say, Jello!?!

  40. But the real question is… what blogger can do the longest keg stand?

  41. Nance — nachos? Are you kidding? We men may be reckless and wild, but we do watch our cholesterol.

  42. oh my, sounds like quite the conference. very informative.

  43. I love it! It’s funny but I never intended to talk too much female shit.

  44. never, ever, have I wished I was a guy as much as I do after reading this post.

  45. I’d much rather come to Bloghim than go to Blogher. I mean imagine how much action I’d get.

  46. Neil, that was hysterical, truly. Oh, the truth is funny. So funny.

  47. So I guess I’m not your blogcrush anymore. That’s ok. Really. I know how fickle men can be. It’s fine. I’m fine. Really. It’s ok.

    No really.

  48. Beautiful. Just beautiful… You so funny.

  49. […] Today he talks about a BlogHim conference. No it’s not really happening; or is it? His satire only proves that men are really only thinking of one thing. […]

  50. Neil…so perfect! I needed a break from all the “fat” talk!

  51. are you hitting on me? so passive agressive, neil!

  52. BWAH!!!!!!!!! Priceless…so love this post

  53. Stefanie: I’ll hold your purse for the 1st round then you hold mine for the 2nd. I like the 2nd round better anyway, because they last longer.

  54. I’ve never gotten a single proposition, let alone a date via my blog. Obviously, I’ve been blogging in the wrong circles. *sigh*

  55. Pretty funny. Interestingly, though, apart from my students who blog, most of the male bloggers I know are either married or gay.

  56. how do you know if you are a BILF (blogger id like to f**k)? i mean, men are so horrid at communication, what are the signs or electronic body language? that conference sounds foul; i bet the catering sucked.

  57. Professor Kim — That’s why I support gay marriage! More male bloggers!

  58. Thanks for the mid-day hoot!

  59. You commenters are so nice and polite. Where are the ones who hate this post? I know you’re out there!

    comments elsewhere —

    “Juvenile. Boring. Meh. Makes me think of all the stupid “comedies” out there that I find neither funny nor entertaining.”

    “Offensive popped in my mind first – but then I saw the previous commenters – juvenile – that seems to sum it up even better. They never change do they? They remain children their whole lives.”

    This last one was particularly disturbing —

    “Oy! Sick and disgusting! And for this I sent Neil to college!” – E. Kramer

  60. The guy who keeps mailing me his underwear must have attended your conference. Unless it’s you, and you use a post office in Montana to do your secretive underwear mailing. Which I would not put past you, Neil. I mean really.

  61. this is totally cool,i NEVER had any idea there was stuff out there like this

  62. Major MAJOR kudos to Miss Golondon for the term BILF. I really hope she’s the first to coin this. And I hope she hasn’t copyrighted it, either. Because I’m about to…AND MAKE MILLIONS!!! I can just see the teeshirts now…

  63. Oh Neil…sigh…what would your mother think?

    Yes, yes, we all think you are a macho hunk again. You are absolved for writing about women’s fashion.

  64. Santa Clarita? Feh. Too hot and too little to do.

  65. This kinda reminds me of the Frank “T.J.” Mackey seminar from the movie Magnolia. Good times!

  66. I actually feel very bad about making this the 70th comment to this post. The number 69 was so much more appropriate!

  67. Elisabeth, I deleted one previous comment, just to give you the honor of being number 69. Heh heh heh. Men!

  68. oh my god that’s so funny. can’t breathe!

  69. Hee hee hee hee hee.

    And hee.

  70. Surely at BlogHer they discussed which male bloggers they would fuck?

    If they didn’t, I don’t see why anyone BOTHERED to go!

  71. Neil, dude! This conference is so money! I am so there next time, brosef. Out.

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