the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

BlogHim ’06

blogconf.jpg

BlogHim
Opening Session
Date: Today
Location: Santa Clarita, CA Holiday Inn – Conference Room #F
Moderator: Neil Kramer

Neil stands in front of a group of about 300 dedicated male bloggers of all races, religions, and ages.

Neil: “Welcome to the First Annual BlogHim Conference. Many have asked me why I have started this conference catering to the male blogger. Is this conference just a pale imitation of the BlogHer Conference being held at the Hyatt San Jose in July? Absolutely not. BlogHim is much more important than BlogHer. Look online. Who rules the blogosphere? It is the female blogger. The Mommy Bloggers. The Dating Bloggers. The Dooces and Stephanie Kleins. Men are the poor cousins of the women in the personal blogging world. I am frequently asked by male readers: “Neilochka, why are you always ass-kissing your female readers with topics of interest to them? What about us men?” I am guilty as charged. That’s why I’ve started BlogHim. BlogHim will strengthen us as a community — a community of men talking about issues important to us as male bloggers. Let me open up the floor to any questions or comments concerning men and the blogosphere.”

BLOGGER #1 raises his hand.

Neil: “Yes. Please tell us all your name and what blog you write.”

Blogger #1 (standing) “My name is Roy. I write a blog titled, “I Love Linux.” I have a question I want to ask all the other male bloggers.”

Neil: “Go ahead, Roy.”

Blogger #1: “I’ve been pondering this question for a very long time. In fact, I think about it every time I go online. Of all the female bloggers out there, which one would you most like to f***?”

Neil: “Interesting question. Anyone?”

BLOGGER #2 raises his hand.

Neil: “Yes. Please.”

Blogger #2: “The name is Trent. My blog is called “‘NYMets4Ever.” And if I were to pick just one blogger to f***, it would be Xxxx of Xxxxxx.”

Blogger #1: “But she’s like fifty years old!”

Blogger #2: “Experience, baby!”

MALE BLOGGER 3 stands, excitedly.

Blogger #3: “Hey, I’d f*** her, too! Oh, excuse me. My name is Edgar and I write “The Conservative Daddy.” I don’t know about the rest of you, but have you seen the photo she posted on her blog on Sunday? She’s hot! And she has great tits.”

Blogger #1: “That photo is of her daughter, who was visiting for Mother’s Day.”

Blogger #3: “Oh. Well, so, you know what — I’d f*** them both!”

Blogger #2: “Absolutely!”

Blogger #3: “Hey, I’m curious about everyone else? How many of you have f***ed mother and daughter bloggers at the same time?”

All the men look at each other, warily. One hand goes up. Suddenly, all the hands go up.

Blogger #1: “What about you, Neilochka?”

Neil: (nervously) “Yeah, yeah, of course. I’ve even f***ed a daughter, mother, and grandmother blogging team.”

Blogger #1: “Wow! No wonder you’re the moderator. Tell us more.”

Neil: “That’s for tomorrow’s breakfast seminar.”

Blogger #2: “You’re the man, Neil. You have so many female readers. You must be f***ing all the time!”

Neil: “Sure, yes…blogging has been good to me.”

Blogger #2: “Me, too. Ever since I started blogging, I’ve been like f***ing one woman after another! How about everyone else?”

Everyone nods their head in agreement. Shouts of “Woo-hoo!” are heard.

Blogger #3: “Neilochka, you’re so lucky to be separated. Ever since I got married, I’m stuck with my wife. And she won’t even go down on me anymore.”

Blogger #2: “That sucks.”

Blogger #3: “Yes, but she doesn’t!”

Blogger #1: “Ha ha ha. Good one!”

Blogger #2: “Yeah. If there’s one thing male bloggers have that female bloggers don’t, is an excellent sense of humor.”

Blogger #3: “I love you guys. All of you guys. You’re like family to me.”

He hugs the blogger sitting next to him.

Blogger #1: “This conference is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve learned so much already.”

Blogger #2: “I really want to learn how to f*** more female bloggers, just like the rest of you guys.”

Blogger #1: “I thought you SAID you’ve already been f***ing a lot of female bloggers?”

Blogger #2: “Oh, yeah, of course I am. I’m f***ing them all the time. I just want to do it more. There’s never enough f***ing, is there? I mean, that’s why I’m blogging, right?!”

Blogger #3: “Right on, Brother!”

Neil: “I really appreciate your honesty, Edgar. That’s what BlogHim is all about. Gentleman, I think we’ve all made friends for life here. I’m so glad we’re having this opportunity to get together as men and talk about what really matters to us as male bloggers! Now, let’s bring in those kegs and strippers!”

Shouts of Woo-hoo!

74 Comments

  1. jackt

    I think you’re confusing a male blogvention with an NFL locker room. 🙂

  2. Fitèna

    Such an interesting topic. Brilliant. Really.
    I don’t know what an NFL locker is but what Jackt said, nonetheless.
    lol! 🙂
    Fitèna

  3. the Yearning Heart

    I tried, oh so hard, to be offended by this, but I just couldn’t. Well, a little. I was a little offended that no one said they wanted to f*** me.

  4. lizardek

    BAHAHAHAHA!

  5. ChickyBabe

    Neil, you’re brilliant!! Just what we female bloggers always wanted to know ;).

  6. Dave2

    I can’t imagine BlogHim taking place anywhere but Vegas for some reason…

  7. treespotter

    can you put me there on the next conference? coz i’m not getting that sort of thing so far. chickybabe just come around and drop smart comments and so far i’m not getting anything interesting
    😀

  8. justrun

    It’s unlikely truer words have ever been written.

  9. Rabbit

    This is why men rule the world. They know what matters most.

  10. The Moviequill

    I thought I hit the mother lode the other day, I was getting cyber-laid like a fat teenager in an AOL chatroom on bicycle repair… but alas, I had just wandered into the free Wi-Fi field of San Quentin

  11. SpiritOfOwl

    I want what women want, I think, but they won’t tell me because I’m expected to know.

    Now I’m more confused.

  12. Melissa

    We already know the only reason men do anything is in hopes of getting laid.

  13. jenny

    Wow! I never realized what a slut Xxxx of Xxxxxx was.

  14. AWE

    That bitch is cheating on me and her daughter too.

  15. Heather

    I’m suddenly having second thoughts about the whole Augusta issue.

  16. Margaret

    Kegs and strippers! What a conference.

  17. Jenni

    Why must every event men hold have to end with kegs and strippers? Seriously?

  18. M.A.

    I really want someone to do a study about how blogs really help men to get laid. (Yeah, I said it.)

  19. Sarah

    Ha! F***ing perfect….thanks for the laugh this morning, Neil!

  20. brettdl

    Doh, I should have become a blogger before I got married.

  21. Kevin

    Sign me up, Brother Blogger!

  22. Trixie

    I would love to be a guest stripper, I mean speaker at your next conference.

  23. peefer

    Frankly, I’m terribly disappointed and offended by this post Neil, and I will never ever EVER read Citizen Of The Month again. I am above this. From now on, if you see my IP, it’s for the purpose of research and monitoring. ‘Got that straight?

    Oh, by the way, those e-mails I’ve been sending you—the ones for advice on f***ing bloggers—will you please get back to me? You know, for closure.

  24. Tara

    I found you from Stephs blog and I will be back .. I havent laughed so hard in a long time.. Thanks

  25. The Retropolitan

    NOW we know why you have a Blog Crush of the Day in your sidebar.

  26. tiff

    Strippers and a beer keg? You’re one step away from FSM-ism, dude!
    Sounds like fun – can I come if I do it in drag?

  27. Dagny

    Hmmm. Just never imagined Santa Clarita as a place where people got wild and crazy. No, I take that back. I could maybe imagine some swingers parties happening there but BlogHim? Next year you guys should try for Vegas.

  28. treespotter

    sorry to jump in here jenni, but how exactly do you propose to end it better than with kegs and strippers?

  29. chantel

    Cleverly disquised attempt to end up on the front page of the BlogHer.org website?

    I wonder????

  30. Alison

    Of course, substitute the word “blog” for “f***,” and you’ve got one hell of a conference, sweets!

    Plus, it gives new meaning to the expression “I’m blogging this.”

  31. Neil

    Chantel — Why? Do I know someone who writes for the BlogHer website? But I just found out that this photo I used, taken by Tyn, is of Robert Scoble and Chris Pirillo, two of the biggest bloggers in the internet/technology world. If this site is closed down by Microsoft, you’ll know why.

  32. dandyna

    thanks so much for this article and the one about fat people, I am so sensitive about these issues.

  33. Dan

    Next you’ll be telling them about Bonding Exercise #2, where we bond by exercising #2 together.

  34. Stefanie

    God, I’d love to get out there and f**ck a bunch of male bloggers. But, shit, who would hold my purse?

  35. badgermama

    At BlogHer we prefer fancy mixed drinks with little umbrellas during our wild lesbian mommyblogger jello-wrestling orgies… Kegs and strippers are boring.

    8-P

  36. Nance

    …what? No nachos?

  37. bettyonthebeach

    For the next BlogHim meeting you should have cheerleaders. Just a suggestion.

  38. Heather B.

    I’ll bet they have beer during the sessions at BlogHim.
    That was f***cked up Neil. Excellent!

  39. amanda

    this is why men frighten me.

  40. Liz

    **peeking over the fence**

    Did someone say, Jello!?!

  41. Bre

    But the real question is… what blogger can do the longest keg stand?

  42. Neil

    Nance — nachos? Are you kidding? We men may be reckless and wild, but we do watch our cholesterol.

  43. better safe than sorry

    oh my, sounds like quite the conference. very informative.

  44. mrsmogul

    I love it! It’s funny but I never intended to talk too much female shit.

  45. cruisin-mom

    never, ever, have I wished I was a guy as much as I do after reading this post.

  46. Edgy Mama

    I’d much rather come to Bloghim than go to Blogher. I mean imagine how much action I’d get.

  47. LisaBinDaCity

    Typical 😉

  48. Deb_LA

    Neil, that was hysterical, truly. Oh, the truth is funny. So funny.

  49. Brooke

    So I guess I’m not your blogcrush anymore. That’s ok. Really. I know how fickle men can be. It’s fine. I’m fine. Really. It’s ok.

    No really.

  50. mariemm3

    Beautiful. Just beautiful… You so funny.

  51. BlogHer - The BlogHims are Jealous

    […] Today he talks about a BlogHim conference. No it’s not really happening; or is it? His satire only proves that men are really only thinking of one thing. […]

  52. jules

    Neil…so perfect! I needed a break from all the “fat” talk!

  53. that girl

    are you hitting on me? so passive agressive, neil!

  54. Wendy

    BWAH!!!!!!!!! Priceless…so love this post

  55. the Yearning Heart

    Stefanie: I’ll hold your purse for the 1st round then you hold mine for the 2nd. I like the 2nd round better anyway, because they last longer.

  56. jill

    I’ve never gotten a single proposition, let alone a date via my blog. Obviously, I’ve been blogging in the wrong circles. *sigh*

  57. Professor Kim

    Pretty funny. Interestingly, though, apart from my students who blog, most of the male bloggers I know are either married or gay.

  58. Miss Golondon

    how do you know if you are a BILF (blogger id like to f**k)? i mean, men are so horrid at communication, what are the signs or electronic body language? that conference sounds foul; i bet the catering sucked.

  59. Neil

    Professor Kim — That’s why I support gay marriage! More male bloggers!

  60. Wendy

    Thanks for the mid-day hoot!

  61. Neil

    You commenters are so nice and polite. Where are the ones who hate this post? I know you’re out there!

    comments elsewhere —

    “Juvenile. Boring. Meh. Makes me think of all the stupid “comedies” out there that I find neither funny nor entertaining.”

    “Offensive popped in my mind first – but then I saw the previous commenters – juvenile – that seems to sum it up even better. They never change do they? They remain children their whole lives.”

    This last one was particularly disturbing —

    “Oy! Sick and disgusting! And for this I sent Neil to college!” – E. Kramer

  62. lizriz

    You rock.

  63. laurie

    The guy who keeps mailing me his underwear must have attended your conference. Unless it’s you, and you use a post office in Montana to do your secretive underwear mailing. Which I would not put past you, Neil. I mean really.

  64. derek

    this is totally cool,i NEVER had any idea there was stuff out there like this

  65. Nance

    Major MAJOR kudos to Miss Golondon for the term BILF. I really hope she’s the first to coin this. And I hope she hasn’t copyrighted it, either. Because I’m about to…AND MAKE MILLIONS!!! I can just see the teeshirts now…

  66. plain jane

    Oh Neil…sigh…what would your mother think?

    Yes, yes, we all think you are a macho hunk again. You are absolved for writing about women’s fashion.

  67. Jack

    Santa Clarita? Feh. Too hot and too little to do.

  68. LouP

    This kinda reminds me of the Frank “T.J.” Mackey seminar from the movie Magnolia. Good times!

  69. Elisabeth

    I actually feel very bad about making this the 70th comment to this post. The number 69 was so much more appropriate!

  70. Neil

    Elisabeth, I deleted one previous comment, just to give you the honor of being number 69. Heh heh heh. Men!

  71. rach

    oh my god that’s so funny. can’t breathe!

  72. Thérèse

    Hee hee hee hee hee.

    And hee.

  73. ashbloem

    Surely at BlogHer they discussed which male bloggers they would fuck?

    If they didn’t, I don’t see why anyone BOTHERED to go!

  74. Ish

    Neil, dude! This conference is so money! I am so there next time, brosef. Out.

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