the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Closest Results Blog Ever


Neil: Your guesses are now in. What is Neilochka’s height and weight? Who will win the “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout” at tonight’s LA blog reading. The excitement is intense. Our systems were overloaded last night as we received THIRTY MILLION guesses.

I know many of you have been up all night waiting for the results, so I would like the following four bloggers to stand up in front of their monitors. You were the closest four in guessing correctly.

Guess: 6 feet, 185 lbs.

Dagny from Dagny’s Empire
Guess: 6’2″ feet, 185 lbs.

Wendy from Quiet About a lot of Things
Guess: 5’11.5″ feet, 182 lbs.

Stephanie from Cool People I Know
Guess: 5’10” feet, 182 lbs.

Although only one of you can win the prize, you all should consider yourselves “winners.” If any of you are ever in Los Angeles, I will personally wine and dine you, and show you all the tourist sites of Redondo Beach.

But now, for the winner. I’m going to split you up into two groups. Psychomom and Stephanie to the right. Dagny and Wendy to the left. And now before I announce the winner… a message from our sponsor!

Audience: BOOOOOOO!

Neil’s Penis: Hi there. Are you a penis who’s stuck on a man who never gets laid? Don’t you wish you could just sometimes break free and have your own, healthy sex life, away from the annoying neuroticism and passive-aggressiveness of your owner, who is always ruining things for you right when he starts fumbling with her bra. When will your owner learn that sex is really quite simple. You stick me in and I work my magic! Stop talking about the stuff you need to add to your to-do list and ruining the moment! Well, now there’s help. is a new and exciting dating service matching you with the perfect woman through a 25 point compatibility test. Just listen to what Mary Sishner of Topeka, Kansas had to say:

Mary: I could never find the right man. They were always either too immature, too unmanly, or they just wanted to sit and watch football all day while drinking beer. But then I heard about It sounded perfect for me. I just answered the questions, telling the service all about my needs, and within days I found the c**k of my dreams! Who needs the man?! Now, we’re together 24 hours a day!

Neil’s Penis: Remember, Penises.! Stop depending on your stupid owner to stop stuttering when he talks to a woman or understanding what a woman really wants. He’s hopeless. It’s time to get out there and do the f***ing yourself!

Neil: And now we’re back. Dagny, Wendy… please step forward. One of you is the winner of the “Live Blog Ass-Kissing Link/Shoutout” — and it is —

Wendy from Quiet About a lot of Things with her guess of: 5’11.5″ feet, 182 lbs.

My actual height and weight is 6’1/2″, 183 lbs.

Tonight, during my “reading,” I will mention in a verbal “link” that everyone should check out Wendy’s site because “she is one of the best bloggers out there today.” Luckily, I actually believe this to be true!

Now, I need to get a haircut for tonight.


  1. question girl

    lmao — you are so good at this style of writing neil that i could actually hear the audience booing and i could “feel the excitement in the air”

    have fun tonight & break a leg

  2. Dagny

    Damn! I was robbed. I almost said 6’1″ because I had a feeling that you were close to me dad’s height. (The weight guess was also based off of knowing my dad’s weight.) Lesson learned. Never second guess myself.

  3. Dana

    Dangit. I would never have guessed you that tall.

  4. psychomom

    Good job converting my guess.

    I guess I was the Wendy on the left because I didn’t win but my name is Clara. No biggie, I’ve been called worse.

    On the subject of winning, I’m still waiting for my hand knit washcloth in blood red.

  5. bookfraud

    jews from queens are no taller than 5-8. everybody knows this to be fact.

    knock ’em dead at the reading.

  6. Neil

    Bookfraud — it’s because I wasn’t breast-fed, but given that ultra-nutritious formula that helped me grow fast.

  7. wendy

    Does this have anything to do with what I posted last night???Hope not..for all of you who do not know me…I AM NOT A SLUT……

    Anyway..thanks Neil..(I think?)…

    Now if I can just use my honed powers of guess how many horse treats are in this horse treat jar..I’ll win a free entry to this horse show I’m going to tomorrow…Wish me luck!!!

    Now is the volume of a sphere Pi (x) the area…..????

  8. Neil

    Wendy… more reasons for people to visit your site today.

  9. psychomom

    Sphere Volumn = 4 pi r cubed or to the third) divided by 3. Minus the space not taken up by the horse treats.

    Yeah, I looked it up.

  10. psychomom

    Oh man, I left out the opening parenthesis which is really bad to do in math. It should have read (or to the third). Do I get partial credit for showing my work?

  11. Neil

    Gone to buy some socks.

    Hey, what is this — Twitter?

  12. erin

    damn… I lost my BIG CHANCE! * sob *

  13. Jen

    I love your penis.

    I’m sure that’s not a ‘mother-approved’ statement for a woman to write on a man’s website, but somehow I feel okay about it. Let’s leave mom out of it.


  14. Nance

    Don’t get that haircut! Writers with flowing locks look more Byronic. Chicks dig that.

  15. plain jane Now THAT is funny.

    Erin, you have nothing to sob about. You are such a rock star to have your photo as Barbarella featured on Neil’s blog.

  16. Mist 1

    I had no idea that you were so tall. Can we start over?

    Have I told you how much I like tall men?

  17. littlepurplecow

    Consolation prize? Please don’t say a free membership to

    Did you go with the button down? What did you read? Glasses on? Did you feel like Jerry Seinfeld? I hope you got lots of applause and girlish “woooooooos.”

  18. hellojed

    Hope your reading went well and that your penis behaved himself.

  19. Bre

    Hurray Wendy!

  20. Karl

    Damnit, I had the height almost right, but the weight was off. You really look much svelter than someone in their 180s.

  21. Bec

    Hope everything went well and there was no projectile vomiting/pants falling down/corpsing part to the evening!

  22. better safe than sorry

    strange, you don’t look nearly that tall in your pics!

  23. Neil

    Better Safe — Maybe you’re only using a 15″ monitor.

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