Thank you for your nice comments yesterday. You would be a perfect bunch of readers if there weren’t a few of you, an unnamed minority, who frequently accuse me of pandering to my female readers in hope of hearing you go “ooh,” “awww,” “how sweet,” or “You are so hot, I really want to **** you on my kitchen table!” As if that is why I started blogging –
I deeply resent this accusation. As an artist, I use my writing to communicate my inner feelings and creativity, not to manipulate the emotions of fragile women eager to find a man who has the sensitivity of the poet, the wisdom of a philosopher, and the animalistic prowess of a love machine (and is Jewish to boot!).
I repeat. I have no interest in sucking up to a bunch of dames. Just because you might have some curves in the right places and smell like flowers does not make you any more special than my dull, sweaty male readers.
Today’s post will be short because I am caring for Sophia, who is sick. Even though we are separated and she still calls my moving back into the house, while she was away on location, an “illegal squatting,” I feel it is my duty to care for her while she recovers from this debilitating flu. Look how miserable she looks in this photo.
Luckily, she has me to bring her hot tea and medicine.
Oh, I have to go. I think I hear her calling for some DayQuil! But don’t feel bad for me. She’s the one who is sick. I love catering to a cranky woman’s every demand when she isn’t feeling well, especially after not seeing her for two months and hopelessly hoping for some very very needed T&A (see magic orbs)! I don’t need any special “oohs” and “aahs” just because she is the worst patient ever and is sneezing all over the place. Doing a job well is all the thanks I need.
P.S. I bought a chicken to make her chicken soup, but there is no way in hell I’m going to wash this thing. Am I wrong to wake her up to tell her to cook it herself?
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: A Man Who Loves His Friends
I really enjoyed this...
Well she let you take her picture, that’s a start, right?
Good luck. xo
Feel better, Sophia. I suggest Sudafed 2 tablets four times a day, and lots of fluids and rest. Oh, and you should probably abstain from sex for about 6 months.
But look at those eyes!
Some advice: get the eff over it or you’ll never get any ever again.
Gee, simple when you put it that way, huh?
First order of psychotherapy: talk about this aversion to cleaning raw chicken. How is it different from cleaning the veggies before cooking?
If I were you, I would not get Sophia out of bed to clean the chicken herself. When she starts feeling better, you may find yourself back in that apartment, wherever it was. Conquer your dislikes, clean the chicken, reclaim your marriage. I have spoken.
I find this SO funny!!! (not the part about Sophie being sick). Can you explain “separations” more please?
1. Sophia looks damn good for being sick.
2. Put your penis away. You aren’t gettin’ any.
Having spent a lot of time caring for sick exes, I gotta tell you–the feeling of moral rectitude doesn’t really overcome the feeling of being used. As far as the chicken thing, try wearing rubber gloves.
I can’t believe I’m FINALLY blog crush of the day! I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long!!!!
P.s. I’m sick too.
Can you fax me some of that soup?
I am at a loss about your not wanting to wash the chicken. I certainly hope that you did not make Sophia get up to make her own soup. Of course, if you did, that just proves that you are not trying to pander to your female audience.
Get well soon, Sophia!
Oops. That might not be what you want, Neil, because then she might have the strength to kick your squatting behind out.
Throw the d… chicken away. They begin to smell really bad after awhile.
There’s something going around here too. I am sniffing and sneezing and hoping it’s not because of our new dog. Do you remember on The Brady Bunch where Jan was allergic to their dog and they got rid of the dog… only to find out it was the dog powder she couldn’t tolerate.
Good Times. (Not as in J.J. Dynomite Evans. Just generally.)
If you take real good care of her while she’s sick, you stand a much better chance of getting ‘thank you’ sex. I’m just saying…
Has Sophia sworn at you in a foreign language yet?
Refuah shlema, Sophia.
Neil, don’t be a wuss. Just make the damn chicken soup already! And make some matzoh balls to go along with it.
DON’T WAKE HER!!!
if i was closer, i would seriously go over there and make that soup for her. find a deli, they’ll have the soup you need and throw that chicken into the freezer.
If you ever get around to making the soup–and don’t use soap to “wash” the chicken, just rinse quickly in cold water–add about an inch or two of grated fresh ginger. It helps break up the congestion and tastes good, too.
Oooooh, that’s soooooo sweet. Awwww.
Neil, I just keep coming back because you’re only remotely humorous.
Wow, she does look damn good for being sick … I should be so lucky to look like that when I wake up healthy! Prevyet, Sophia!
They say the secret ingredient in homemade chicken soup is love. This might be because love is the only force in the universe powerful enough to make a person wash a whole chicken.
I hope Sophia is feeling much better soon! I don’t even know either of you but I still hope you two are able to work things out. You seem to take genuine delight in one another and that is a rare and precious thing. Every couple has their struggles but not every couple has deep, huge love.
Crankster — I’m not being used. She takes care of me when I’m sick… and I’m a bigger baby.
Nance — She finally got up and made her own chicken soup — although I “helped.” I did, however, make her the best tuna sandwich she ever had today.
Get well soon, Sophia!!!
She may feel crappy, but her hair still looks fabulous.
Why do poultry sellers feel compelled to make you pay for a bird that has disgusting frozen giblets crammed up its ass? Can we just throw that crap away or let the hotdog makers use it?
I can’t tell you how much I resent having to don my rubber gloves and shoot my hand up a dead bird’s cooter (or down it’s throat) just so I can get that slippery paper-wrapped packet of disgustingness out. It’s just WRONG. I hate being a poultry proctologist.
Dooce would tell her to wash it herself.
I can’t believe she had to make her own soup…shame on you.
So you’ve got Sofia sick and dependant on you for care… sounds like “Misery” to me. Don’t hobble her.
Handling raw meat… Not one of my favorite things to do.
I say throw the chicken in the freezer for a later date. Jump into your car and head to Fresh Fields for some homemade Chicken soup. Pour the soup into a pan, heat it up and act like you YOU made it. Hope Sofia feels better soon!
You mean you can get women by blogging?
When I was in L.A. a couple of years ago, I found Canter’s Deli. Can you shoot over there and pick up a bunch of Jewish health food (chicken soup, etc.) and pass it off as your own cooking?
Neil RN. I think she needs a good sponge bath.
perfect time to go vegetarian……dead chickens should only be handled by other dead chickens in communal burial rituals…….let’s face it, that raw stuff is just nasty.
Um, is it my imagination, or in the second photo does it look like she’s just on the verge of flipping you the bird? Maybe for 1) taking the pictures when she’s sick and 2) even letting her make her own soup? I’m with Oriyenta, shame on you.
I agree with Non-Highlighted Heather…nothing, and I mean nothing…is more important than your hair still looking fabulous. Feel better Sophia.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t like handling chickens. Can’t they clean it up for you ahead of time, like that packaged lettuce?
I find the travel mug mildly alarming. Someone is expressing underlying ambivalence about this living ‘arrangement’ (or ‘crime’). I’m not sure who.
Umm..the chicken would be on it’s own. I only touch them after they’re cooked.
And, tuna when you’re sick? ewwwww
Sophia is awfully cute–even with a cold.
No wonder you are so enamored.
p.s. Thanks for making me your blog crush of the day! I’m over here preening like you wouldn’t believe.
I hope Sophia feels better!
Wait, you have been accused of hamming it up for the chicks? I never though that…I sorta thought they flirted with you and you were good natured enough to let it be
.
You’re a chick magnet, just admit it.
Neil, re. chicken soup.
I mostly make mine (Sophia, I have a fresh batch just waiting for you….in Toronto) from packaged chicken bones. Are those available where you’re at? Would that make it less gross for you to handle?
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Ugh…poor Sophia, I hate being sick. This is definitely a nice opportunity, however, to display your caring nature and sandwich making prowess.
asking her to make the soup? how much of that soup you will be wearing when she is completed?
tell her to feel better. and her comment “illegal squatting” just proves her love for you.
i feel sorry for her. having the flu is “no bueno”. good for you to be catering to her needs. this could mean major points! MAJOR!
I look so much worse than that when I’m sick. And I thought the making of chicken soup was a job for Jewish mums?
Pandering to your female readership? noooo…just look at the comment section. To be fair I’m jealous.
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