Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

A Man Who Loves His Friends

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To: Blogging Friends

Subject: [Citizen of the Month] Unique Business Opportunity

Dear Fellow Bloggers,

I am writing to you tonight from one of the world’s poorest countries in Africa.  I received an email this morning offering me a great opportunity to make a lot of money.  I love so many of you and appreciate your friendship.  That’s why I want to extend this opportunity to you as well.

A recent aquaintance of mine, Mobuku, recently stumbled across a bundle of American dollar bills sitting on the street in his country.  The worth of this money was  US$14,000,000:00.(FOURTEEN MILLION USD).  It belonged to a American businessman who died along with his entire family in an unfortunate  plane crash.   Of course, Mobuku tried to contact the next of kin, as is required by the banking guidelines of this terribly impoverished African country, but sadly, all of the businessman’s relations died in the plane crash — leaving nobody behind for the claim.

The banking laws of this corrupt Third World country are very specific: 

No citizen of this country walking around on foot can claim millions of dollars found in the street.  It must be claimed by either a relative or someone (or some group) in the country of the deceased at the time of the money’s discovery.

When Mobuku emailed me with this opportunity, I immediately jumped at the chance.  But on my arrival here, there was a major hitch.  The money was discovered on September 2. the exact day that I was with a couple of buddies at a strip joint in Montreal, Canada.  So, officially,  I was NOT in the country of the deceased at the time of the money’s discovery.

I therefore make this business proposal to you, my dear blogging friends.   Since I cannot claim this money by myself due to the legal requirements of this overcrowded and polluted country, I will consider ALL OF YOU as the next of kin.  After all, nobody is coming for it and we don’t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed money.  

As my mother might say, "That would be a waste."

We agree that 30% of this money will be set aside to be shared equally by every blogger who commits to be a partner in this enterprise, 10% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business, and 60% would be for Mobuku and I.

Thereafter, I will visit each blogger in person (at your own expense, of course), for disbursement according to the percentages indicated. 

To enable the immediate transfer of these funds to you as arranged, you must first apply as the "next of kin of the deceased."  This means I will need each of you to write down your bank name, bank account number, private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication, and location wherein the money will be remitted — and send me the information now

Please, time is running out, as this terribly anti-Semitic African country has it’s own very weird Daylight Savings Time system that is very confusing, and the food is terrible.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime.  Blogging favorite Stephanie Klein is already on board as a partner.  Please join Stephanie, Mobuku, and me in this unique business arrangement. 

Soon, we will ALL be so rich, we can blog to our heart’s content!

Yours faithfully,

Neil

47 Comments

  1. nice try, buddy. i don’t have a rack = neil won’t really come to visit.

  2. Neil! This is my lucky day – for I, too, received this missive! I assume this means that I can claim the money twice??

  3. Dear Blogging Friends … while in one of Africa’s poorest countries Neil was slipped a date-rape drug and had congress with the popular Stephanie Klein. He immediately acquired a horrible sexually transmitted disease and, even as I type, is incapacitated, at death’s door and begging me to take over his responsibilities.

    So send your money and personal information to me. I am trustworthy. I am a Canadian. We are too polite and honour-bound to fleece you.

    Neil, as a former Catholic I am saying a novena for you. I don’t know what it is either but it appears to involve a lot of prayers and beads.

  4. Mobuku contacted me too! I’m afraid you forgot additional vital information he requested with my “next of kin of the deceased.”

    1) My mother’s maiden name.

    2) My social security number.

    3) My bra size.

  5. Royal Bank of Scotland
    Account #: 000432107776873-181718
    Swift: 00632
    Tel/Fax: 00 33(0)1 43 47 39 99
    North pillar of the Eiffel Tower?
    Email me if you need more details.
    Come on, people, we can’t pass on an opportunity like that!

  6. Umm, I don’t have a bank account, unless you count the sticker on the bottom of my piggy bank “Hecho in Mexico”.
    But I do have a quarter and some extra pocket lint I’ll send you!

  7. Meh. The lottery will be worth more this week.

  8. totally giggling. thank you neil!

  9. Very funny. How do these people in Mozambique and such places get our email addresses??? So frustrating.

  10. Btw – you forgot to mention that your friend is the King of such-and-such tribe. Somehow they always have a ‘royal connection.’

  11. LMAO! What a generous and kind hearted blogging friend you are Neil! 🙂

    3T

  12. Mobuku sent me email as well. Apparently someone is trying to use my PayPal account illegally. Mobuku needs my username and password immediately so that he can rectify the situation.

    What a great public service this young man performs!

    But if he can get Neil over to the East Coast, that would top it all. But don’t bring Stephanie here. Thanks.
    Namaste.
    ~HDJ

  13. Thank you for wanting to share the wealth! What are you, a freaking Communist or something 😉

  14. I’d love to help you out, but I’m pretty busy delivering packages for a nice gentleman I met in Columbia last year. It’s the best job I’ve ever had! I get to travel abroad 4 times a year for free, and all I have to do is drop off a few boxes of sweaters for his friends in Miami.

  15. Neil,
    You are soooo killing me. Hey I’ll show you my rack if you show me yourss. But you have to pay to see mine. hahahaha..

  16. I’m so in! I’m quitting my job right now. I’ll be forwarding my banking information immediately. I can’t wait to tell my boss where he can shove it!

  17. If I had any money, it would be yours.

    I’ll have to settle for being poor but fabulous.

    Unless you want a naked picture of me. I have a few dozen or so you could use.

  18. Mobuku contacted me as well. It must be fate that I get this money!

  19. I am so in on this deal! It sounds amazing! I’ve always fashioned myself as a woman of leisure – 9 to 5 is just so ‘working class’. I can buy that apartment in Paris I’ve been wanting, and I’ve always wanted a house on the beach. Thank you so much – I’ll never forget this!

  20. Neil, I keep all my money under my mattress. When you visit, you can personally deposit my portion of the money there. *wink wink*

  21. thanks for including me, where do i meet you? should i wear a disguise? i think i am getting my cape back from the cleaners tomorrow.

  22. I think his name, Mobuku, is some bastardization form of “Merci beaucoup” — French for “Thank you very much!”

  23. I get these emails all the time. I’ve seen on the news where people have actually done this. Scary.
    Great post as usual, Neil 🙂

  24. it is SO AMAZING that nigeria is so full of good-hearted people!! i just got an email from what i can only assume was mobuku’s sister, who wants to donate her late husband’s entire fortune to a charity, and she’ll let ME decide which one! she just needs my bank info so she can wire me the inheritance. such pure hearts. puts me to shame, really.

  25. I’m so grateful for the lovely opportunity and so devastated by the fact that I won’t be able to participate. Darn my over-protective mother!

  26. I’m in!!!!! I’ll wire the money immediately! What’s your bank account and social security number?

  27. You had me going right up until you said you were at strip club.

  28. My attorney will be in contact to handle the particulars.

    Twinkies to you,
    Stevain

  29. You’re an ass Neil, I would so pay for the opportunity to meet you but I’m not giving you my fuckin’ bank acct. ;). I so loved this post.

  30. Luckily, as a perma-Canadian, I am exempt from this scam, I mean, business deal. Good luck finding chumps, er, partners.

  31. Mobuku has contacted me ans so have many of his family. He warned me that many of my American brethren will try to squeaze in on this opportunity that was mine alone. So I warn you Neil…stay away from my fortune. I gave Mobuku my paypal acct. number to wire the funds immediately. Out of kindness and regards for his generosity I gave him my Amazon.com and my password to babesintoyland.com so he can buy himself something special.

  32. and here I was just wondering how I’d get to Africa to reclaim MY riches!

  33. Hold the phone! Mobuku told me we had a deal!

    I think he wanted to sell me some Viagra too.

  34. You know, it seems to me that that guy Hecho makes a lot of things in Mexico; in fact, the poor man must be run ragged making all that stuff he makes. I wonder how the man ever gets home to see his family, the way they’ve got him running from factory to factory. It seems to me that there wouldnt be so many illegal Mexicans in this country if the multinationals would just give Hecho a break and hire some of those people. Then Hecho could take the family to Disneyland maybe, or just lay on the beach and catch some rays. He deserves it.

  35. Mobuku’s recently widowed mother has an even better deal – if you can all just email me your credit card details to SCAM@hotmail.com I can promise you a rich inheritance and happy future.

  36. Why is it always Nigeria? Does it have somthing to do with the banking laws? Can anyone just get money from a bank with an account number?

  37. You forgot one stipulation (in wee letters): anyone who travels to Africa to help claim the money must bring ALL that is in their bank account so it can be merged at the same time in someone else’s bank account. Person is TBD. Could be Neil, could be Mobuku.

  38. Can you just mail me a check? Thanks. ‘Preciate it.

  39. You know, Neil, I was ready to take you up on this great opportunity, but I realize now that you have far too many blogger friends. I’m not going through all that trouble to make a buck twenty-five.

  40. Hey, everyone. Still in Africa. Today, Mobuku showed me all the sites in town. Well, actually, the one site.

    Well, actually the government grain repository.

    It’s all very interesting. The government really knows how to get things done here. After the grain is shipped here by the United Nations relief agency, it is quickly siphoned off and sold to support the military dictatorship.

    Tonight Mobuku and I are going out partying to celebrate and toast all of you on your new wealth. The photos will be up on Mobuku’s Flickr account later in the evening.

  41. I heart you Neil. I think your last comment set me over the edge. You’re back in blog crush status with me (even though you called me a big dork in the last entry).

  42. It sounds suspicious, but I’m in. I was going to give them money to my friend Oyoyoyunge, but this sounds like a better opportunity.

  43. Great article and great website. Your blogg is full o information. You’re also welcome to visit my websites: schlep, Stephanie Klein, H&H Bagels, Fashion Week, B.A.M.

    Seriously though, I’m entertained by what I’ve read here today. Thanks.

  44. this so rocks. hysterical

  45. Oh my…they ALL died in a tragic plane crash??? Sniff…that truly is tragic. Really.

    Tragic.

    Mobuku must have a heart of gold. And to be able to track CASH found on the STREET to a next of kin?? He must be brilliant as well! How lucky you are to have him as a business partner!!
    ~L.

  46. If it doesn’t make me thinner, or grow my man’s penis, I’m just not readin’ it.

    Penny stocks!

  47. I wonder why you have tagged the post nigerian scam? Mobuku is not a nigerian name, just for the record. Is the email really from nigeria?

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