Recently, I’ve been receiving many emails that go something like this:
"I’m a female blogger that loves your blog, "Citizen of the Month." At night, I fantasize about you making love to me and you always bring me to an intense orgasm. How do you do it?"
Male bloggers are known to be excellent imaginary lovers. In fact, I’m currently working on an article for Cosmo magazine titled "Sex and the Male Blogger."
From the article:
Citizen of the Month: "Hello, men."
Male Bloggers: "Hello, Neilochka dude!"
Citizen of the Month: "Male bloggers have a well-deserved reputation for their excellent oral sex techniques online. Can you tell Cosmo readers what you do to give women such amazing orgasms in the imaginary world of the blogosphere?"
Pauly D: "Well, Neilochka, you’re clearly the expert here. Why don’t you tell us?"
THIS BLOG HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED BY SOPHIA:
Sophia says: I’m sorry, regular readers of this blog. As Neil’s editor, I must wrestle editorial control away from Neil and hijack this post. For the sake of Neil’s future literary career, the remainder must be censored. Not because of any sexual content. In fact, the sex jokes are pretty lame, and I’m sure most women are rolling their eyes at the idea of him being any "sex expert." Believe me, I know the truth first hand. No, the biggest problem with this post is that it is incredibly stupid. You see, Neil is a little sexually frustrated, if you haven’t figured that out already. It’s gotten to the point where I might even take pity on him, just so he can start writing some decent posts again. Remember back in September when he actually wrote something meaningful? Anyway, I apologize for the interruption, but clearly you see how necessary it is.
BACK TO THE REGULAR POST:
Neil: "…so that’s how I do it. With some patience and practice, all of you male bloggers can be as amazing as I am in the sack. So, let’s go, men, let’s bring those women to multiple orgasms!"
Today on Blogebrity: The Amazing Tale of Ashbloem and Bono
The fact that you’re writing this at 0549 hours concerns me…
~L.
I have three – count ‘em, THREE!- imaginary blogger lovers. It’s true, they really are the best I ever had.
paul taking advice from YOU?!
and, please PLEASE, enough with Sophia already.
Kristine, who do you really think writes Pauly’s posts? And you’re right about Sophia. Dammit, I knew it was a bad idea to play around with handcuffs during our honeymoon in Spain. We lost the key somewhere in Sevilla — and it’s been trouble ever since. Please help! If you send me the key, we can finally meet up in Las Vegas like we discussed a few months ago.
handcuff keys are universal, darling. i have one on my key chain.
Oh Neil, you need to get laid.
Oh, honey–if you’re gonna be one, you gotta say it right:
“sexpert”.
Sheesh. Obviously, you are reading way too many blogs and not nearly enough Cosmo.
Do we all need to chip in and hire you a nice hooker?
way too funny! thanks…
I just love sophie’s comments… she rocks!
Sophia please puhlease lay Neil.. He needs to release some of that built up whateva.. u get the point or we can all chip in and get him an “escort” not a hooker. Have you seen the hookers in LA? I wouldn’t wish them on my dog..
Anyhow, great post Neil and you and Kristine need to hook up. Hey how about all your female readers converge on LA and all do you??
HMmm.
A Neilochka orgy..
LOL
I already explained this to you, Neil. It wasn’t THAT kind of fantasy. And yet, I seem to be having a Sally moment here.
Sophia, you make the world a better place.
a neil orgy? gak. good god, that’s disgusting.
That’s too bad, Kristine. Because I would have saved you for last.
You mean some women only have one? Or none? I thought that was the norm.
Sorry, Neil. This is totally out of left field, but I’m experiencing some trouble with my butler. Big trouble. Do you have any advice for me?
(Let’s keep this between us. Ixnay on the Ashbloemay.)
No orgies kids. I don’t take sloppy seconds, or thirds, or fourths. I’m a one on one kind of girl.
Perfect, especially the part that is censored. Remember the famous “Venus Butterfly” episode of “L.A. Law” where the real titillation was NOT knowing what Michael Tucker did in bed to Jill Eikenberry? (Oy, you know you’re getting old when your sexual references include those two.)
Regarding the “enough with Sophia already” comment, no freaking way! As far as I’m concerned Sophia should hijack more posts, even if it is Neil pretending to be Sophia and then the real Sophia editing Neil’s version of her. Few things in the blogosphere fascinate me more than that complex relationship and while I agree with the general consensus that Neil needs to get laid, I hope with all my heart that it’s with a certain Russian TV star.
My one beef about your recent posts is the increasingly ribald images you’re using. Since I’m usually reading these in public I have to immediately scroll down when I log onto your blog for fear that the other Starbucks patrons will think I’m looking at porn and have me kicked out.
I’ll pass on the Neilochka orgy thanks.
Why should I help out with his sex life I’ve got my own to think about. Hey, he can go find it like the rest of us
gee, i never thought to have a blogfantasy about you. you are younger than i am, and i do love male bloggers, and now i know you have handcuffs…
For new readers with exotic fantasies, I should warn you that I gave up on thinking about any sort of menage a trois early in my blogging career.
Isn’t it a good thing we all have such vivid fantasy lives?
Neil, I remember you wrote a post months ago about how you were afraid you’d be disppointed and/or disappointing if you met some of your blogger friends in person. I’ve since met a number of bloggers–some I like better in person, some I wish I’d kept handcuffed in my fantasy room.
Bummer,I would have liked to have read the rest of the story
Does the hooker have to be nice? we can get cheaper hookers who aren’t so nice.
Mik
All I can say is I checked out the “orgasm” Technorati tag. The links were very…enlightening.
Thanks, Elvira… I give the #1 orgasm on technorati today!
Wait, does this mean that back in September you and Sophia did it? If that’s the case, you can not be THIS sexually frustrated! Try going longer than a year. Hell, I forgot what a penis looks like. (I imagine them all to look like my blue vibrator.)
Sophia, that’s what we call a “mercy root” in australia…
Yeah, it also worries me that you posted at 5:49am… you must not be gettting any sleep…
Minnie Driver has a super hot body.
you said oral (puts hand over mouth, crinkles eyes and giggles)
LOL…. you’re right, I’m always curious about my male blogging friends….. I had expectations, i had fantasies about how they look….. that is why, I pray to God they never put their picture on their profile.
I hadn’t gone through this when I passed by yesterday and I can’t see any reason for retraction. From my point of view, what you meant was that its the “trendinism” syndrome which bothers you and not the Jews. Right? I think the being “IN” where religions are concerned is disrespectful being tomorrow they’ll be discarded for something considered more IN.
That’s my humble point of view. As for orgy, Non loso. you called me beatiful in and out so….. hmmm
You gonna keep Kristine last so am out
Fitèna
Oops, the first part of the comment was meant for that other post.
Don’t know what I was thinking of sending it here….
Fitèna
Oh, you poor thing! Well, at least you’ve got some kind of creative outlet for your frustration.