LL Cool Jew

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I’m so tired of other Jews.    When did being Jewish become the "in" thing?    Moronic Hollywood actors going to Kabbalah classes.  Front page articles in New York magazine about Jews being smart  (I dealt with that subject months before them and much better, I might add).    Today I was reading Michelle’s funny NY blog and learned that she is going to be one of those talking heads on a VH1 special titled "So Jewtastic!"  That’s great for her and I wish her all the best, but this show’s concept was already making me feel ill.

From the VH1 website:

From Dylan’s anthems to Spielberg’s blockbusters, it’s no secret that Jews have made huge contributions to pop culture. They’ve succeeded in spite of age-old stereotypes about Jews as brainy, neurotic, and well, anything but hip.

But that’s all changing. In an age when Madonna demands to be called "Esther," Demi celebrates Purim and seemingly everyone speaks a little Yiddish, it’s never been hipper to be a Jew. All Access Presents: So Jewtastic celebrates everything you knew – and lots of stuff you didn’t – about famous members of the Tribe.

The one-hour show will cover the trendy rise of Kabbalah, the new hip Jews in Hollywood, the marriage of Jews and hip hop, the connection between Jews and Heavy Metal and the domination of Jews in comedy. As a bonus, Jackie Mason schools the goyim on Yiddish terms that rock. OY GEVALT!

Thanks to a mensch-laden panel of pundits, yentas and a Rabbi or two, So Jewtastic will also circumcise the old ideas about Jewish mothers, ridiculous stereotypes and whether or not Jews know how to play sports (they do!) So put down that gefilte fish and pop open some Manischewitz, it’s time to get your Jew on…VH1 style.

Whoever wrote that has a lot to atone for next Yom Kippur.

As if this wasn’t enough, a few minutes later I’m reading about big-time blogger Andrew Krucoff and how he’s in Israel and he’s never had a bar mitzvah, and now he’s going to have one sponsored by the porno-loving shmata king, Dov Charney of American Apparel. Now, frankly, I didn’t know much about big-time blogger Andrew Krucoff until I wrote a post about big-time blogger Stephanie Klein.  Bloggers-in-the-know told me that Andrew Krucoff was even bigger than Stephanie Klein.  Now as much as everyone hated Stephanie Klein, at least she wrote some interesting posts.  What the hell does this Krucoff do that makes him such a big-shot?    Here’s his latest blog.   As my mother might say, "Nu?"  This guy must be some shmoozer.

I’m just sick of this whole Jews-are-trendy thing.  It used to be that I would use a Yiddish phrase and only other Jews would get it.  Now, the Korean owner of my local donut shop tells me her husband is a shmendrick.   I’ve been so frustrated with my people lately, that I even thought of converting, but then Sophia told me that Larry David already did that in the last "Curb Your Enthusiasm" episode. 

Fucking trendy Jews!

Listen, everyone knows that Chanukah sucks compared to Christmas.  Why continue with the facade of Chanukah being cool because Adam Sandler wrote one fucking song about it?  Why can’t I love Rudolph and Frosty and the Grinch — all of the traditional Christmas stuff.    When Rudolph saves the day with his shiny nose — that’s the true meaning of Christmas.

After reading all about these trendy Jews, I felt starved for some Christmas spirit.  Since I live in a fairly Jewish neighborhood, it wasn’t easy.  I decided to go to the most Christian place I could think of in Los Angeles — Walmart.   As I pulled into their enormous parking lot, images of Christmas lights and Christmas trees and Christmas fruitcakes danced in my head.

"Happy Holidays!" said the greeter, a middle-aged woman in a wheelchair. 

"Happy Holidays?" I asked.  "Don’t you mean "Merry Christmas?"

"Shhh.  We’re not allowed to say that anymore.  Only "Happy Holidays."

"That’s weird.  I came here especially because I figured Walmart would be… real goyish…"

"Goyish… ha ha.  I heard Seinfeld once say that in that episode with the puffy shirt.   By the way, did you see "Curb Your Enthusiasm" last night.  That Larry David… what a shmendrick. "

"Can I speak to a manager?  I really want someone to say "Merry Christmas" to me."

"I’m sorry.  We don’t want to insult any of our customers who may be of another faith.  Like our Jewish friends."

"I’m Jewish."

"Welcome, Jewish friend.  Welcome to Walmart.  The Tony Hawk Chanukah dreidels are in aisle five, in between the Sarah Silverman menorah set and the "Story of the Maccabees," as read by Dame Jew-dy Densch."

"I don’t want any of that crap.   I’m not here for Chanukah."

‘Well, Happy Holidays whatever your celebration."

"I’m here for Christmas."

"Shhh…"

"What’s the matter with mentioning Christmas?"

"I thought you were Jewish."

"I am Jewish!"

"Isn’t it cool to be Jewish?"

Oy!  It used to be the blacks, then the gays, now the Jews…. enough!  Enough of trendy!  I want some of that homey Christmas stuff.   Like in Norman Rockwell.  Or on that Charlie Brown special"

"I hear you, young man."

I turned and saw a giant of a man.  He had a white beard.  His voice was deep, reminiscent of Burl Ives.  He wore a Hawaiian shirt and an enormous crucifix around his neck.

"Let’s bring back Christ into Christmas," he bellowed.  "Everyone come here!  This young man has something important to say to us all!"

Shoppers — men, women, children — all gathered around me. 

"It’s all very nice that you want to include everyone in your "Happy Holidays…" I said, my voice cracking, "…but if you really want to say "Merry Christmas," I don’t really see anything wrong with that."

"You hear that?!" shouted the crucifix guy.  "He’s absolutely right.  Why should we be afraid of celebrating Christmas?   How did this happen?  I say, they’ve been holding us back from saying "Merry Christmas."  It’s the Jews.  The Jews I tell ya!  First they kill our Savior, then they spy on America for Israel, and now they want to steal away our holiday!  Well, we won’t let them — will we?!"

"Uh… I didn’t exactly mean…" I stammered.

A pregnant customer stood on the "Customer Service" desk, waving wildly.

"Let’s march on Temple Beth Am!"

The mob grew excited with shouts of "Yeah," "Let’s do it!" and "Stop Those Shmendricks!"

The middle-aged Walmart greeter in the wheelchair stood up.  It was like a miracle happening before our eyes.

"Let’s go tell the Jews what we think!" she screamed.

Everyone in Walmart started chanting. 

"We love Jesus!  We love Jesus!  We love Jesus!"

Within minutes, the store was emptied of everyone except for myself, which wasn’t so bad, because I don’t really like crowded stores.

Was I worried about Temple Beth Am?  Not really.  Los Angeles crowds are notorious for giving up early, such as leaving Dodger games in the sixth inning.  The temple was pretty far away, and with all the traffic, I’m sure they just ended up dispersing and going to Starbucks instead. 

But I was disturbed, and frankly irritated, at the mob’s total devotion to Jesus. 

Because if you think about it:  What is Jesus — but another trendy Jew?!

(UPDATE — with a bit of a wimpy retraction.)

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71 Responses to LL Cool Jew

  1. Brooke says:

    Start dating jewish boys. See that? I can’t even say it.

  2. akaky says:

    And really, how can Klein lord it over Kruchoff? Kruchoff’s ancestors were able to afford a name. Ever wonder why there are so many Kleins and Schwartzes, Weisses and Grosses amongst the Jewish community? When the Austrians passed their laws officially tolerating Jews back in the 18th century they ordered that all Jews had to take a real last name instead of a patrynomic. If you had a bit of money you could afford a good name, like Stone Mountain (Steinberg) or Morning Star (Morgenstern). Sometimes the officials would give you one just for a laugh; how else do you explain Songbird (Spielvogel)? But in the main, if you didnt have money, you got assigned a name based on your physical characteristics: Black (Schwartz) White (Weiss) Big (Gross) or Small (Klein). Kruchoff has a name based on a place, I think; Klein has a hand me down moniker designed for the Jewish underclass.

  3. Sophia says:

    Akaky, you never cease to amaze me.

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  5. TM says:

    Akaky, do you have a source for that info, by any chance? Very interesting.

  6. Tanisha says:

    Thats a great post Neil,
    I was just about to write a post on being black as trendy and the stereotypes. You beat me to it. Although, I still will. Someone called me a racist on my blog and in the same breath told me I was ashamed of being black.. hmm interesting.. Anyhow, Schmendric eh. I may have to steal that term..LOL

    Merry Christmas I mean Happy Chanukah..

  7. Laura says:

    Sure I leave you alone in here for a day, come back and there are not only 56 comments to a post that made me laugh my ass off, there’s a RETRACTION!
    ~L.

  8. krucoff says:

    i have no idea what anybody is talking about here. (i apologize, i only read the sentences that include my name.)

    i’m just in it for the free booze. blogging is community theatre to me and it’s usually more intereting when the stage manager is boning the lead’s wife.

    btw, it’s krucoff (no h) and it was originally derived from krupetsky, of the ukraine. we kill first, then ask questions about shooting.

  9. Wendy says:

    Neil, come spend a week in the South with me. After growing up in extraordinarily-overwhelmingly-Jewish Bergen County, NJ, I have found myself in situations like this one: Person A: So where is your christmas tree? Me: I’m Jewish. I don’t have a christmas tree. Person A: So what? Like you don’t believe in Jesus? *Shakes head, walks away*
    Oy Vey – all i’m saying

  10. Neil says:

    Neil: “Did you see that! Krucoff — the real big-time blogger Krucoff was here at this blog!”

    Sophia: “If he’s such a big shot, maybe he can get you a job.”

    Neil: “I’m not even sure what he does — or if he has a job.”

    Sophia: “Tell him how much you love his work.”

    Neil: “I don’t know his work.”

    Sophia: “Fake it. You know, how I used to do in the bedroom with you.”

  11. Madonna is insisting on being called “Esther?!” Are you being serious about that? Can we just call her “Whore Bitch” instead?

    Now you make me ashamed of my FuJew T-shirt that I created to sell on my blog. Yeah, and I wasn’t even trying to be trendy. I was just making fun of FUBU and the new “by women for women” crap out there. I swear. I even had an orthodox Jewish friend check it out first. It’s not trendy. Really.

    Well, I guess NOW it is, but it wasn’t at the time.

  12. mcaryeh says:

    “Welcome, Jewish friend. Welcome to Walmart. The Tony Hawk Chanukah dreidels are in aisle five, in between the Sarah Silverman menorah set and the “Story of the Maccabees,” as read by Dame Jew-dy Densch.”

    Is it really wrong that this is one of my favorite posts of yours ever?

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  14. haha says:

    Hey i think Michael Jackson is at war with the “MASONIC JEWS”

  15. eeekat says:

    holy crap, this was funny

  16. Mordechai says:

    the story and comments really drive home the point that as a people, we really want to be part of the majority and are frustrated by the fact that we are not. between physical features, mannerisms, lifestyle, etc and some not so desirable traits, we will never be mainstream. jewtastic is just another fad…

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  19. Felipe says:

    Grettings from Chile southAmerica.
    Me he reído de buena gana con vuestro post.

    Mi kehilá chiliani es podrisíma en jewish humour.

    Todá raba

    Felipe

  20. Neil says:

    Buenos dias, Felipe from Chile!

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