Last night, Sophia and I attended a blogger-meetup, greeting Psychotoddler and Mrs. Balabusta, who were visiting L.A. from snowy Milwaukee. Since the Psychotoddler family is kosher, we met at a kosher Chinese restaurant on Pico Blvd. Surprisingly, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be (although note to restaurant: please hire someone who knows how to make sushi. That was NOT sushi, kosher or not). Also attending the event were Dr. Bean, ball-and-chain, Brett of DadTalk, and Anne of Inland Empress.
There were spirited conversations about many things, including integrity and truth-telling when writing blog posts. The group was extremely intelligent, which, of course, made me think about my blog post for that day, which was about a “Cock Shaker.” So, I’m glad to be back here with so many of my other blogger friends who are as dumb and unsophisticated as I am.
Despite my lack of sophistication, the issue of “integrity in blogging” has been weighing on my mind today. You see, in my last post, there were quite a few joking comments about the Olive Garden chain. Although I didn’t say so directly, I insinuated in my post that I didn’t like Olive Garden. The truth is : I’ve never been to Olive Garden. I’m like the movie reviewer who gives the film “three thumbs up,” but never bothered to see the flick.
In all honesty, I just don’t like those chain restaurants — at least the ones that I have actually gone to. To give you a better understanding of my feelings, I’ve created a list of chain restaurants, in order of my hatred of the chain, from least to greatest:
The Cheesecake Factory
Denny’s
Coco’s
El Torito
TGI Friday’s
Chili’s
Souplantation
Bennigan’s
Outback Steakhouse
Fuddrucker’s
Benihana
Applebee’s
Red Lobster
Pizza Hut
Today, I called Sophia.
“Sophia, I’m taking you to lunch.”
“OK, where to?”
“Olive Garden.”
Silence.
I explained how I owed it to my readers to learn the truth about the Olive Garden, especially if I’m ever going to mention it again. So, I picked Sophia up and we drove to Olive Garden near the Del Amo Mall.
We were surprised to find such a long line for such an uninspiring place. Why were so many people here? Los Angeles has tons of excellent REAL restaurants. Maybe we were missing out on something. Maybe people were just suckers for those stupid commercials where the guy brings his authentic Italian mama to Olive Garden, and she loves it. Loves it!
Inside the restaurant, the decor was anything but “authentic.” There were some badly drawn paintings of the Italian countryside on the wall, and few bottles of Chianti were propped up here and there. “Benvenuto!” was written on the wall in the waiting area. The restaurant staff was not very authentic either, more Redondo Beach High School than Tuscany High School.
We were told that there would be a ten minute wait. This seemed a little bull-shitty, since there were seven other families waiting in front of us. Afterwards, another couple was also told that their wait would be “ten minutes.”
“How could this be?” I asked Sophia. “This made no sense. Do they just tell everyone that the wait is ten minutes? And if our wait is ten minutes, and they came after us, shouldn’t their wait be at least eleven minutes?”
Sophia and I were given this large black beeper contraption that was supposed to go crazy with lights and special effects when our table was ready.
Time passed. Twenty minutes. Sophia and I revealed to each other that we spent the morning snacking and neither of us were too hungry. But it was too late to turn back. I had to learn the truth about the elusive Olive Garden.
BRRRINGBRRRRING!
My hand vibrated as if I had just pulled the trigger of a 45 caliber pistol. The beeper was sending us a message: It was TIME for our reconnaissance meal.
Some girl in the Olive Garden uniform, but wearing USC socks (!) took us to our cozy table, nestled comfortably next to a large obnoxious family celebrating some bratty boy’s birthday. Before we even had a chance to open a menu, Miss USC wanted to know if we wanted anything to drink.
“We serve real Italian wine.”
We said we just wanted water. She looked disappointed, as if we had just rejected her from admittance to our sorority.
Sophia and I looked over to the birthday table to check out the food they were eating. Bland pastas, boring pizzas. Nothing looked very exciting. We were also surprised that the menu was more expensive than we expected, considering it was a “family” restaurant.
“It’s cheaper to just go to the real Italian restaurant on Torrance Boulevard.”
“I guess we’re paying for the ambiance.”
We laughed as the family started singing “Happy Birthday” to the bratty boy.
“Since we’re not too hungry, maybe we can share something.”
As I perused the attractive, flowery-designed menu, I noticed something interesting. For six bucks, you can have as much soup as you want, with three different choices of soup. For another six bucks, you can get an unlimited amount of Olive Garden’s special salad.
“Sounds good,” said Sophia. We can get one unlimited soup and one unlimited salad, and we can share it. They even give you unlimited breadsticks. I think I’m beginning to like this place.”
“Sophia, I don’t think you understand. Each unlimited soup and each unlimited salad is for one person only.”
“What do they care if we share it?”
“Because then what’s to stop ten people from coming in here and ordering one unlimited soup and one unlimited salad and just sharing it all together.”
“That’s ridiculous. Besides, it doesn’t say anywhere, “no sharing.”"
“Olive Garden cannot stay in business if everyone shares the same unlimited soup.”
“The place is jammed. They’re making a fortune. No one cares if we share the soup. We’re only two people. How much soup and salad can we eat?”
“It’s stealing. It’s like downloading illegal music.”
“You download illegal music all the time.”
“That’s different. “They see you here doing it. No one sees you at home downloading music.”
“Oh, so if they don’t see you stealing it’s not a crime. You’re some “citizen” of the month!”
“I won’t download anymore music. Is that better?”
“I don’t care. Look, if you’re going to be such a stick in the mud, we’ll each get our own unlimited soup.”
“Fine, that’s best.
“But I don’t care what you say. We’re just getting one salad, I can never finish half of it.”
We ordered our meal. The waitress seemed pissed that we were such cheapo customers, and assumed she was going to get a small tip. We each ate three bowls of soup. But I wouldn’t touch the salad, which only made Sophia act like more of a temptress.
“Try it. Just take a bite.”
“No”
“Stop being such a wimp.”
Which was the exact same thing Eve told Adam.
“OK, I’ll try it. Just a second. Wait…. OK..”
I tried the salad. Sophia shook her head in disbelief.
“Did you just wait until the waitress walked away before you ate one tiny piece of lettuce, so she wouldn’t see you eating it?”
“No.”
“Yes you did!”
“Fine. I don’t like to be humiliated. What if she said something. What if a spotlight went on us and voice came on saying: “Look over here everyone. This couple is stealing an unlimited salad because they were too cheap to order two unlimited salads like they were supposed to.”"
“You need help. Serious help. Why don’t you blog about THIS tonight?”
“About what?”
“About how you were afraid of eating the salad because the nineteeen year old waitress might see you and look down at you?”
“I’m not going to do that.”
“Wimp.”
HAPPY NOW, SOPHIA?
By the way, the soup and salad (we never finished out first bowl of salad) at Olive Garden were pretty good.
So, here’s my revised list:
The Cheesecake Factory
Olive Garden
Denny’s
Coco’s
El Torito
TGI Friday’s
Chili’s
Souplantation
Bennigan’s
Outback Steakhouse
Fuddrucker’s
Benihana
Applebee’s
Red Lobster
Pizza Hut
Today on Blogebrity: As the Blog Turns
As a server @ the OG, I’d like to chime in. Depending on location and local demographics, an Olive Garden might just be the finest dining in its vicinity. I’m in Douglasville, GA and the people just love the bread, the salad, the cups and cups of italian dressing, as well as the pounds*I mean* ounces of sauce. Do you feel sick yet? Basically we’re no better or worse than the people we serve and they want comfort high sugar high carb food. They don’t care about real italian dining, just the zuppa tuscana and MORE bread!
Pingback: Citizen of the Month » More Grouchy Rants About Corporations
“Sophia and I were given this large black beeper contraption that was supposed to go crazy with lights and special effects when our table was ready.”
Have you never seen this before?? What world do you live in?
By the way, you’re a freaking CHEAP-o!!!!!!!! I’m only 17.
In our small (50,000) midwest town, OG is finer dining. It is not cheap. Our typical bill is $30-40 with NO alcohol. Usually tip 18-20%. We never knew you could get soup and salad for $7. Have to try it some time.
The menu is semi-gourmet. The texture, flavors, and presentation have been well thought out. There are better restaurants in bigger cities, but they are a 40-60 minute drive for us.
Hurray for Olive Garden!!
Work at an OG in California for the past 6 months and let me just say how much i hate customers like you! First your getting Unlimited soup and salad for 6 maybe 7 bucks and your complaining? Yeah your the only one who ever had the idea of Sharing it!? I could care less that you do but the more you eat the more i have to bring refills and yet the bill stays the same cheap ass amount and people dont take into consideration the fact i ran my ass off for their buffet of soup and salad for my 2 dollar 20% tip!! Do you go to buffets and share? Do you get mad that you cant take home buffet food?
So when you shoot a 45 caliber handgun your hand simply vibrates? Strange…
OLIVE GARDEN RESTAURANTS CLAIM TO BE ITALIAN STYLE. ALL OF THE DISHES COME WITH SIDE DISHES. WE ORDERED A FISH AND A CHICKEN. THEY BOTH HAD SIDES OF BROCCOLI ON MENU. WE NOTICED CHEAP SPAGETTI AND VEGGIES, AS A SIDE WITH OTHER FISH AND CHICKEN DISHES. WE ASKED TO SWITCH SIDES TO CHEAPER PASTA AND VEG, INSTEAD OF BROCCOLI. WE GOT THE SWITCH AND THEN WERE CHARGED ADDITIONAL,$2.50, FOR EACH SIDE, FOR spagetti, WHICH COSTS LESS THAN broccoli. WE DID NOT GET SERVED THE BROCCOLI, TOO. WENT ELSEWHERE. THEY SHOULD SERVE OLIVE OIL TO DIP THE DRY! BREADSTICKS IN. THEY ALREADY, BRUSH THE TOPS WITH BUTTER AND SALT. WHY WOULD THE, “OLIVE GARDEN”, EVER PUT OUT SOME FLAVORED OLIVE OIL? THEY ALSO, SERVE, NO — MUSTARD, FOR THEIR MEAT,FISH AND CHICKEN DISHES. A SIDE OF TOMATO SAUCE IS – 50 CENTS, TOO. RIDICOULOUS!! THEY DO NOT PUT SPOONS ON THE TABLE. YOU HAVE TO ASK YOUR SERVER FOR A SPOON. SO, NO SOUP SHARING. GO TO A LOCAL DINER. THEY INCLUDE — SOUP, SALAD, ENTREE, PASTA OR POTATO, VEG, AND SOME EVEN HAVE SALAD BARS AND INCLUDE DESSERT, TOO. BUFFETS LET YOU TAKE OUT AND THE WHOLE WEEKDAY LUNCH, AT THE BUFFET IS 7$, PER PERSON, ALL YOU CAN EAT. DINNER IS MORE.SO, WHY WAIT TO FIGHT WITH OLIVE GUARDING?. GO ELSEWHERE.
Christ, people. It’s a restaurant.
I work at the Olive Garden. Every server hates soup salad and breadsticks because we run our asses off and people leave a 3-4 dollar tip which is SHIT! I have never seen so much gluttony until I started working there.
you can’t really know what the staff at Olive Garden goes through until you work there. Like giving accurate quote times for the wait, sometimes tables are getting up faster, other times tables are just sitting there taking their sweet ass time talking about something they could discuss somewhere else instead of taking up that seat, a list of factors come into play. But whatever, they also give free samples of wine, the waiter should’ve done that first.
this goes to “KALI” dude thats so true, servers would be like “oh crap another ‘soup and salad’ and its true man those people generally leave crappy tips even though they’re saving a couple bucks to drop off as a tip!
To be honest with you the moment I saw that Denny’s was one of the least hated chain restaurants I knew this post was going to be bad. It was fairly entertaining but when I read other reviews and watch as many of your “least” hated chains go out of business I begin to wonder what you were thinking. Then again I don’t truly care.
I GUESS YOU SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, MOST NORMAL PEOPLE LOVE OLIVE GARDEN, THAT’S WHY THERE IS ALWAYS A WAIT.IF YOU HAD ACTUALLY ORDERED A DISH INSTEAD OF GOING TO THE CHEAPEST THING ON THE MENU, MAYBE YOU WOULD THINK DIFFERENT. THEY HAVE THE BEST SALAD AND ALFREDO SAUCE IN THE WORLD.
People who like the Olive Garden also like Sarah Palin. It is the dumbing down of society, and simply feeding the obese salt, sugar and fat. Eat at a real Italian place, get some real bread. Get some real lasagna. WTF? The breadsticks are awful. I even worked at one of these shitholes once. Awful, just awful. One saving grace: The Souppa Tuscana. It is decent.
there is very much a Souplantation and it very much isnt very good at all
My friends and I have dined here a lot times and in different locations and we have always loved it . I don’t think some the things mentioned here are true.First, it is NEVER so “shocking” to hold the beeper.Next, the staff and waiters are pretty good and take good care of you.Next,this place is definitely not expensive than lot of restaurants even if not cheaper.But yes , I would agree that the Salad is pretty good and overall ,it is a very good restaurant !!!
In Lancaster, Ohio, at OG Most of us got our food, my mother did not get her food until we all finished eating, no apology from restaurant, then the waitress refused to bring big enough box she said they have them but the manager is a jerk and they don’t allow us to bring big boxes, you will have to use multiple small boxes. There are other olive gardens which we will go to from now on, but where a manager is a jerk and even employees tell that to customers I rather not visit. I hope Olive Garden should get a better manager at that location.
You and Sophia are two knuckleheads get a life!!!!!!!!!!! Where do they make people like you????????????????
As a server in a chain restaurant it ruins my night everytime I get guests like you. First you complain that the wait is too long and you’re “starving” because you haven’t eaten, but then you’re not very hungry so you split a meal? You both order waters (the reason she looked so dejected is because we get performance reviews based on our beverage-sale percentages), and order a dish that involves the most work out of the server with the least necessity for you to leave her (and her probably $2-$3 paycheck that usually equals zero because she has to declare all credit card tips) any tip? This article seems to be trying to prove the point that you’re too classy for chain restaurants…sorry to break it to you honey, but you belong nowhere outside of the McDonalds drive-thru.
YES! hit the nail on the head.
This is one of the reasons we should move towards servers earning an actual wage and away from such emphasis on tipping.
Also, yeah, why were you so taken aback by the beeper thing? I feel like you were just looking for things to complain about at points.
I am a server at OG. Olive Garden is great because a lot of the time they’re in locations where they’re the best dining experience around. The unfortunate thing about that is that the diners that it brings in aren’t accustomed to anything that nice. They enjoy themselves because it is so nice. They make asses out of themselves because its so nice. However, when tip time rolls around, they seem to forget all the soup, salad and soda refills they ran the server for. All those paper napkins they got in addition to the fancy green cloth napkin aren’t factored in. All that extra dressing, soup bowls worth, aren’t factored in. Hell, the amount of the check isn’t even factored in there a mojority of the time. I don’t have a clue what these jerks use to figure up the tip. When people try to give you 31 cents as a tip, you pretty much have to roll your eyes and walk away. I’ve worked for OG for 7 years as a server. I NEVER get a paycheck. I owe the IRS every year because I make so much working for OG. (That’s a laugh!) I wait on some of the most ignorant people I’ve ever met in my entire life and it takes everything I have not to be ignorant back sometimes. I am a good server. I don’t care what people say about not tipping. You’re freakin’ cheap and you have no business going to an establishment where someone else is depending on your tip as their source of income. If you have a problem with that then maybe you shouldn’t patronize such an establishment. You’re feeding the corporate machine and raping an innocent of hard earned cash when they could be focussing on customers worthy of their services.
and “Soup-plantation” is a very accurate description of the OG at lunch time.
Having lived most of my life in Manhattan I was a restaurant snob (and I’m from LI—home to great Italian restaurants) So I was shocked the first time I went to an Olive Garden and liked it. Honestly I think the one here is superior to most Italian restaurants here that people rave about. But I love their salad and on special occasions like the birthday I’ve been celebrating for two weeks get the lunch portion of eggplant parmesan something I would normally never eat though it’s my favorite food
They have the ringing disks in New York now–@ a restaurant on Broadway and 84th for one