Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

My Menage A Trois

trois.jpg

I’m not sure if Sophia and I will ever get back together, but I don’t regret being married to her at all.    I learned so much about women by being married to one. 

Last night, I was watching one of those awful R-rated movies they show on Cinemax at midnight — the ones that are more boring than titillating.   Towards the end of the movie, one of the male characters ends up in bed with two beautiful (but very fake-boobed) women.    My mind drifted from the cheesy sex scene to my own thoughts.   I said to myself:

"A menage a trois is the fantasy of a man before marriage.  Sure, I used to have these fantasies.  My fantasies were as diverse as Los Angeles.  I used to see myself in bed with a white woman, a black woman, an Asian woman, and a Latina — all at the same time.  But now I realize the absurdity of the whole menage a trois fantasy."

Why?  First of all, it’s difficult enough making one woman happy in bed. But two?  I’d have to be working out in the gym five times a week just to have enough stamina! 

And what exactly are you supposed to do with Connie while you’re having sex with Sarah — talking about the latest episode of "Beauty and the Geek"?   

And I know how women think.   You’ll be doing something interesting with one woman and the other woman is going to get pissed. 

Sarah:  "You’ve been giving her oral sex for fifteen minutes, but I only get ten?  What am I — chopped liver?  I know what the problem is.  You think I’m too fat."

Me:  No. No.  Of course not.

Sarah:  You like her better because she’s a skinny  bitch.   I see how you look at her thighs.   I’m sorry mine are so fat.

Me:  They aren’t fat.  I love your thighs, exactly how they are.  

Sarah:  Liar!  I hate you!  I hate you! 

Sarah ends up throwing something at me.  That’s certainly going to ruin the mood.  And think of all the complications the next morning.  I’m not just talking about all three of us going to Farmer’s Market for breakfast.

Me:  I’ll call you later, Sarah.  I’ll call you later, Connie.

Connie:  And who are you going to call first?

Me:  I’ll call you Sarah at 3.  I’ll call you Connie at 4.

Connie:  I see.  You’re calling her first because she has bigger tits than me.  Well, I’m sorry I’m flat!  I hate you!  I hate you! 

Connie ends up throwing something at me. 

Men, drop this menage a trois fantasy.  In reality, it would be more trouble than you realize.

32 Comments

  1. The book cover is fantastic! Old dime novels really capture it all, don’t they.

    I never understood the appeal of a menage a trois. I for one have never really known anyone with a bed large enough to truly accomodate three people. Am I being too practical here?

    P.S. I don’t know if this is an appropriate thing to say, but I’m sorry that your marriage isn’t working out, but you certainly seem to be quite rational about things. Best wishes.

  2. I’m so embarrassed that you were able to dig up that shameful picture from my past. I was young, big-bedded, and in need of the money!

  3. Honey, that’s why you have hands.

  4. Liz, I’ve never been good at multi-tasking.

  5. I think most men’s menage a trois fantasies don’t involve them attempting to make two women happy. I think they fantasize about being there with two women at their command.

    But what do I know – I’m not even a man.

  6. That’s the point, Leese. Two women at my command? — like that’s ever going to happen in my lifetime…

  7. I know only one person who had a menage a trois. She and I were on spring break and she ended up with 2 local guys in her room going to town. She said she never wanted to do it again afterwards.

    Actually while reading this I’m reminded of the Sex and The City episode where Charlotte’s date is trying to get her to do this and she just leaves because she’s like odd woman out – totally ignored. That’s what would happen at the time I’m sure Connie or Sarah would leave. The throwing of stuff would come later on, when they have stewed about it for a while and then see you again.

  8. Leese has the right idea. I like it. 😉

  9. I was actually offered this opportunity when I was a single serviceman before I married my loving wife. I turned it down because it was way too intimidating at the time.

    But I am much older now and it is much harder to intimidate me. Unfortunately now I don’t have the strength.

    Life is cruel.

  10. Hmmm… when you were a serviceman? Maybe the U.S. Army can us this in their new recruiting campaign.

  11. I was Air Force and it was back in the 80s and early 90s.

    But I am not sure a guy being so easily intimidated is a good recruiting tool. Had I yelled “charge” and jumped into battle, that would be another thing.

  12. It’s a Bonfils cover! Though I prefer the equally immortal Robert McGinnis or Paul Rader, Bonfils is no slouch at creating eye-grabbing paperback covers. Go to http://www.robertbonfils.com for more information about the illustrator. The author of the book, William Kane, also wrote “Hamilton’s Harem,” so multiple sex partners and inexhaustible heroes may have been recurring themes in his oeuvre.

  13. Richard, I knew you would get a kick out of that cover. Do you have that book as part of your collection of paperback novels?

  14. No, I haven’t sunk to the (totally depraved) level of collecting Ember Library paperbacks, though I’ve been tempted to collect the Midwoods and Beacons written by Lawrence Block and Donald Westlake under pseudonyms. I don’t have a Bonfils cover anywhere in my entire stash, to my knowledge. I specialize in Gold Medals, with classy upscale titles like PARK AVENUE TRAMP and SWAMP BRAT.

  15. When I was in college I convinced two roommates to engage in a contest to see who was the better kisser.

    A little alcohol and a what the hell attitude took that a long way.

    I have always suspected that it could have gone further but am willing to admit that I was afraid to find out.

    Too many landmines.

  16. I only have one thing to say to TWM and Jack — wimps! I bet you regret it now. Think of the great story you could’ve told your grandchildren.

  17. Who says we can’t still tell the story? Beats a “I once caught a fish THIS big” story anyday.

  18. I have a sneaking feeling Neil’s menage a trois might go a little differently than he anticipates:

    CONNIE: Oh! Oh! SARAH!
    SARAH: Oh, Connie, you’re the best! Gawddddd!
    NEIL (pacing): Uhh. Do you girls want…water?
    CONNIE: No, we’re fine.
    SARAH: (incoherent gargling noises)
    NEIL: Okay. Well.
    CONNIE: AHH! AHH!
    NEIL: I guess I’ll go…blog.
    SARAH: Before you go, Neil…
    CONNIE: AHH! AHH! GODDD!
    NEIL: Yes?
    SARAH: Could you move Connie’s leg about three inches to the left?
    NEIL: Oh. Sure.
    SARAH (bored): You’re the best, Neil.

  19. Hahahahahahaha… Are we really so bad? Yes, I suppose we are.

  20. Strangely, my menage never ends up that way.

  21. You know what they say, Richard, blogging is the new menage a trois.

  22. if you are lucky enough to be in bed with a white woman, a black woman, a latino and an asian..wouldn’t that be menage et quatra?…hey Neil

  23. The Moviequill, let’s just say, from my experience, for Neil it wouldn’t be Menage-A-Quatre, it would be Menage-A-Quadruple-Bypass.

  24. Sophia, you’re ruining my blog. I’m trying to impress the ladies here.

  25. Neil,

    I have no problem with that. In my book it is better to have one lady walking around who is amazed with my prowess than two scratching their heads and wondering why they did what they did. 😉

  26. Hilarious, Neil. I’m e-mailing this to all my guy friends.

  27. Sorry to rain on your anti-menage-a-trois parade, but having participated in one, I have to say that yes, they really are all that, provided that each participant is genuinely into all of the other participants.

  28. I’m far from being a card-holding member of the Anti-Menage-A-Trois Association. I respect people of all beliefs. In fact, find one more woman, Katie, and the three of us have a date! If you are a blond, I’d prefer the other woman to be a brunette. If you’re white, I’d like the other to be black. I know when I go out to eat breakfast at Polly’s in Redondo Beach with Sophia, she always orders an omelette and I order a waffle, and then we have two completely different choices to share. That’s the way I like it!

  29. Threesomes are totally fantastic, provided, as someone above mentioned, that everyone is into everyone involved. It usually starts with a girl being bi-curious and the other girl having some experience in that arena and the guy providing a safe reason to experiment. Again, let me reiterate by using a tired blogging technique. Totally. Fantastic. To those who passed up an opportunity, you blew it.

  30. During someone else’s bachelor party some years ago, i had 2 girls “do” me at the same time. of course i had to pay them each $20. what a waste of money for this 2-for-the-price-of-2 lap dance! and they only stick around for the time it takes for 1 song to go by.

    anyway i imagine it’s comparable to a real menage.

  31. I haven’t participated in a menage a’ trois, but my boyfriend (who has slept with very few women in his leftime;that which he should be proud of not shameful or unfulfilled) suggested it. I love my boyfriend, so I eagerly agreed and actually became turned on by just thinking of his pleasure being fulfilled. So, I asked two different girlfriends of mine to participate. One acted like she would, but doesn’t know my boyfriend. The other,whom I thought would be “ready to go”, said “no”. Then she asked me, “Do you really want to do that?” I may well have been categorized as a slut in her mind. But, she’s one it before too (years ago) and isn’t interested. I am not a jealous person. However, if he ate her pussy first and for a long time, I would get upset. He is sooo good at it, and we enjoy it very much. Then, he prefers the animal instinct fuck, and turns me over and pounds me. Just not sure how that would work with 3 people. And, I can’t imagine being with someone that i feel is unattractive.

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