Recently, I’ve been receiving many emails that go something like this:

"I’m a female blogger that loves your blog, "Citizen of the Month."  At night, I fantasize about you making love to me and you always bring me to an intense orgasm.  How do you do it?"

Male bloggers are known to be excellent imaginary lovers.  In fact, I’m currently working on an article for Cosmo magazine titled "Sex and the Male Blogger."

From the article:

Citizen of the Month:  "Hello, men."

Male Bloggers:  "Hello, Neilochka dude!"

Citizen of the Month:  "Male bloggers have a well-deserved reputation for their excellent oral sex techniques online.   Can you tell Cosmo readers what you do to give women such amazing orgasms in the imaginary world of the blogosphere?"

Pauly D:  "Well, Neilochka, you’re clearly the expert here.  Why don’t you tell us?"

THIS BLOG HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED BY SOPHIA:

Sophia says:  I’m sorry, regular readers of this blog.  As Neil’s editor, I must wrestle editorial control away from Neil and hijack this post.  For the sake of Neil’s future literary career, the remainder must be censored. Not because of any sexual content.  In fact, the sex jokes are pretty lame, and I’m sure most women are rolling their eyes at the idea of him being any "sex expert."  Believe me, I know the truth first hand.  No, the biggest problem with this post is that it is incredibly stupid.  You see, Neil is a little sexually frustrated, if you haven’t figured that out already.  It’s gotten to the point where I might even take pity on him, just so he can start writing some decent posts again.  Remember back in September when he actually wrote something meaningful?  Anyway, I apologize for the interruption, but clearly you see how necessary it is.

BACK TO THE REGULAR POST:

Neil:  "…so that’s how I do it.  With some patience and practice, all of you male bloggers can be as amazing as I am in the sack.  So, let’s go, men, let’s bring those women to multiple orgasms!"

Today on Blogebrity:  The Amazing Tale of Ashbloem and Bono

I’ve created my own Frankenstein monster here.   Because I’ve spent so much time flirting with female bloggers, my male readers are abandoning me faster than the Israelites left Egypt.  At 9PM tonight, my last post, which was addressed mostly to my female readers, had 49 comments.  I love getting comments, and I appreciate it.  But that was 42 comments from women and only 7 comments from my own gender.

This had got to stop. 

We all know the type.  He comes to the bar with a buddy.  Then he meets a cute bunch of girls.  They want to go out with him — just him.  So, he goes to his friend and says:

"You don’t mind going home by yourself, do you?  I think I just might get lucky!"

I hate those guys.  And I am turning into him.

This is as old a problem as Adam and Eve.  Women are beautiful, seductive, and smell good.  But who is really there for you when a woman drops you like a hot potato so she can screw around with that Beverly Hills attorney she met in her yoga class? 

It’s your male friends.  Your male buddies. 

I love you guys.  I love my male readers.   I love blogs written by males.   Sure, I don’t visit you as often as the women.   That’s because I know you will always be there for me.  You won’t ever take me off your blogroll because I made a joke about "your tits" in an email!  You have a healthy sense of humor.

My female readers are overly demanding and high maintenance.  They always want posts that are "funny."  If they don’t like your post one day, off they go to another male blogger like Brando or Pauly D.

Female commenters require a lot of work on my part.   I don’t just read your comments.  I also visualize you naked.  Sometimes, the two of us are in compromising positions based on the Kama Sutra book that I bought, but never used. 

Now imagine having to do this 42 times a day!  That’s 42 voracious female bloggers I have to satisfy every day, even if it is just in my mind!

By the end of the day, my eyes are blurry from looking at the monitor all day — and I can hardly walk.  God help me if this blog ever gets really popular and I have to work my way through 100 female comments. 

I can just imagine it:  "Tonight on Eyewitness News — LA Blogger Dies in Chair After Reading too Many Comments from Attractive Women Bloggers."

No, the madness must stop now.

In order to wean myself off of my addiction to women bloggers, I must go cold turkey.

So — from now through Saturday Night, I will not read ANY BLOG written by a  female blogger.  This will give me time to bond with my fellow male bloggers. 

I will read only blogs written by MEN.  I will learn more about their manly dreams and aspirations.  I will learn what makes other men tick.  I will comment about things such as work, sports, politics, women, fatherhood, and other things that MEN are interested in. 

I will IGNORE all comments written by WOMEN.  I will answer only those comments written by MEN.

I love you guy bloggers, all of you.  Really.  Come on, let’s all have a manly group hug.  Let’s yell MANLY things together!  Let’s show the women that "personal" blogging isn’t just for women and wimpy "artistes."  Blogging is as MANLY as football and NASCAR!

I’m sorry, women.  I know I am disappointing you. 

But it’s NOT YOU.  It’s ME. 

Thank you for all your wonderful comments today.  I can honestly say I fantasized about having sex with each and every one of you today — sometimes more than once.  You were all amazing.  And I think I gave you a pretty good time as well.   

But now, you are DEAD TO ME.

At least until Sunday, when I’ll come back to your blogs.  I’m not worried too much about you still being upset at me.   I know women are suckers for us men:

You always take the guy back.