(Three Women by Fernand Leger)
Thank you for all the nice things you said about my dancing debut on Citizen of the Month. I was frankly surprised by the positive reaction, especially from female bloggers. In fact, I’d like to talk about this response by the women… just with the men.
Privately.
Women — would you be kind enough to shut off you monitors for a few minutes so I can talk to the men alone. Thanks.
Men — did you see that response to me dancing? The babes were practically throwing themselves at my feet! Who knew that putting on an old suit has that effect? But isn’t it a little ironic that women are doing this at the EXACT moment when I’m making a romantic gesture to my wife? Where were they a month and a half ago? Why didn’t they do this when I was so horny I was writing pornographic children’s stories? Do you remember when Sophia first left town, I actually asked female bloggers to ease my pain by sending me photos of themselves topless.
Do you know how many tits I got to see? NONE!
Here I was back then — alone, and no one even swung their bra in the air for my amusement. But I do a little dance step FOR SOPHIA, and all of a sudden they’re throwing me their panties? Are they crazy? Or do women just like to torture us?
I don’t understand women. Do you?
Female bloggers — you can turn on your monitors now!
Back to the post –
Thank you again, ladies. Here’s a story I think you’ll enjoy. There’s food in the story, and I know you women LOOOOVE to eat.
One of my favorite local bloggers is Sarah from The Delicious Life and Slashfood. She’s one of the best food bloggers out there. I’ve been bugging her for weeks to let me come along and see her in action. On Thursday, she relented. She invited me to join her in checking out Mao’s Kitchen in Venice. We decided that I would pick her up and we’d drive together to the restaurant.
Although this wasn’t a date in a romantic sense, I was still having some pre-”date” jitters. After all, I was picking up a cute woman at her apartment and going to dinner with her, and I haven’t gone on ANY type of date since…. well, since… Sophia.
You know that cliched romantic comedy movie scene where a woman puts on five different outfits before she goes on her date?
On Thursday, that woman was me.
I changed shirts three times, then stared in the mirror at the awfulness of my hair. As much as I tried to brush it, it seemed as if the ghost of Donald Trump’s hair had decided to move in. I used some of Sophia’s mousse, and since I never use this gooey junk, it just made my hair look like a helmet. I ended up taking a second shower just to shampoo it out.
I decided to take Sophia’s SUV, thinking it was the most comfortable ride. I jumped in and was about to drive off, when I noticed that the windows were filthy. This was not acceptable for me to pick up some glamorous food blogger in a muddy car.
I stepped out of the car and decided to do a quick washing with the garden hose. I’m sure my face registered pleasure as the grime and dirt slid off the car, that is until I noticed that the passenger window was half open and I was spraying water from the hose INTO the car!
(DO NOT TELL SOPHIA ABOUT THIS)
Four towels and a quick drying later, I was off to my “date.”
Once Sarah and I met, we clicked instantly. We fought our way through traffic to make it to Mao’s Kitchen, buying a bottle of incredibly cheap wine on the way (it was BYOB). While Sarah liked the atmosphere of the restaurant, I thought it was pretentious. There was a “Mao’s Communist China” theme to the menu and all the dishes were creatively named after something from the period. For instance, the egg rolls were called “peasant rolls.” There was a “Gang of Four” fried rice. Call me overly-sensitive, but should you make Disneyland kitsch out of a regime where so many people were murdered?
But what do I know? The place was packed with trendy people. Maybe I should open up a trendy shish-kabob stand and sell young Hollywood types the Saddam Hussein Pita Sandwich.
As Sarah and I got drunk (actually, it was mostly me), the mood changed between the two of us. We stopped our joking and our gossiping about blogging. Our conversation became intimate, as it frequently does when a man and woman sit across from each other in a dimly-lit restaurant. Yes, you guessed it. I blabbed on and on about Sophia and she talked about her ex-boyfriend.
When I told Sarah that my wedding anniversary was the next day, she couldn’t understand why I didn’t go to New York to spend it together with Sophia. I explained that I asked Sophia SEVERAL TIMES if she wanted me to come to New York, and each time she said, “No.” Sophia told me that she was working long hours and didn’t want to get distracted by me, so I listened to her.
Sarah didn’t buy the story. She insisted that I SHOULD have gone anyway, despite what Sophia said.
“That makes no sense.” I said.
“To a woman it does,” she answered.
The next morning, I told Sophia about my conversation with Sarah.
“Sarah was right,” said Sophia. “You should have come to New York. We could have gone out for our anniversary.”
“But you told me explicitly NOT to come!” I cried. “I would think you would be pissed off at me if I just showed up.”
“I would be pissed off. Very pissed,” she answered. “But if I opened my door and you were there, holding flowers, I would be very impressed that you were there, despite what I said.”
“That makes no sense.” I said.
“To a woman it does,” Sophia answered.
Women – would you be kind enough to shut off you monitors for a second time so I can speak freely with the men? Thanks so much for you patience.
Men — WTF?! Do you hear that craziness?
I don’t understand women. Do you?
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: My Class Action Suit
I’m a woman and I don’t even understand us. I love the grand gesture and am sometimes afraid to ask for what I want for fear of being disappointed.
Before Neil stepped in, i was going to say that this blog is definitely one-sided and often tongue-and-cheek. I’m sure if Sophia had a blog, we would hear a little different story.
After all those clothing changes, were you ultimately wearing the monkey undies?
Neil, I knew I would get in trouble with my words. It is hard to see all sides of the relationship when you are only putting out your perspective. So hope no offense taken. So I am going to take another tactic and make a nice segueway like Churlita did and inquire about those monkey undies that you love to show so often. When do we actually get to see you model those????
Churlita made the point that I wanted to. It’s important to remember here that we only hear one side. I think it’s really unfair to pass any judgments on Sophia without the benefit of her perspective.
I think one of my big problems is that I don’t do a very good job at asking for what I want. I asked Sophia several times if “SHE wanted me to come to New York,” but I never actually said, “I WANT to come to New York for our anniversary.” I wonder if her response would have been different.
So, in a way, even though I titled this post as a way of making fun of women, I’m probably more like the stereotypical “woman” than Sophia.
Personally, I think you should’ve definitely gone to surprise her. Not only that but you also should’ve brought jewelry and perfume and a personal masseuse. Then when you get there the real surprise should happen. Wolfgang Puck should appear magically in Sophia’s hotel room to whip up a fabulous anniversary-even-though-you’re-separated 7-course meal. And the real real surprise should happen when Sophia turns around and there on the bed is a huge box which contains a gorgeous Oscars worthy dress which you have had made for her special to wear on your FLIGHT TO FRANCE ON THE CONCORD(just for after dinner cocktails). Now that would have been something!
Silly Neilochka. Does the bank manager ask you to understand how mortgage amortization is calculated? Of course not. But that doesn’t mean you can’t buy a house and take out a mortgage. Us women folk don’t expect you to understand why we behave the way we do, you only need to listen, learn, and apply.
Haha. I like Stefanie. I’ve been a silent reader for quite some time but I really enjoy your blog, Neil.
Ooof, I think you would have been in trouble either way! Billy Joel’s song “She’s Always a Woman” comes to mind. I KNOW I send the mixed signals to my husband all the time, poor guy! How do you guys ever fall in love with us? I still don’t understand why you and Sophia are separated though.
Listen to Dating Dummy – he’s not dummy.
Also, I don’t understand women either. Good thing I’m not a lesbian.
I think your video was wonderful. I would have loved to have received it and it would have been a perfect anniversary gift.
You’re not meant to understand women. You will spend your whole life trying and failing to, so stop trying darling. If you did understand women you’d be gay, and then their animalistic sexuality would no longer affect you. Is that what you want? Is it?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned….I did not turn off my monitor…why? Cause I was not one of the women throwing myself at a married man in the dancing post, so I wanted to see what the dudes got to see. I earned it
. Women always want what they can’t have.
Another thing about women is that you should pretty much do the opposite of what she says she doesn’t want when it comes to things like these or immediately contact another level-headed female friend for advice. Even us level-headed ladies would have told you to go…we know the crazy insider handshake and all that jazz!
Hilly, exactly. He should have asked for advice. And I did say that the video was cute but I didn’t consider that to be throwing myself at him — so I read the stuff that I wasn’t supposed to. Because I’m a rebel that way.
Now here’s another question. What does one do about a man whose gift choices seems to be based upon how impressive they will look to others? (The man in question is my father.) Year after year he would ask my advice about Christmas gifts for my mother only to ignore my protestations of, “But she’ll hate it and then you will have incur her wrath.” Every year she would open these hated gifts only to hear all the other relatives “ooh” and “ahh” over them. Once the relatives left, the fury would be unleashed.
Hmmmm. I guess this is why they are divorced.
Neil, you KNOW I would have sent you a topless pic. Guess I wasn’t around yet then.
You’re supposed to speak in code, dear.
You’re supposed to say, “Do you want anything SPECIAL for your anniversary?”
She will say, “Well, depends what you mean by special.”
You will say, “Well, special is as special does.”
She will say, “As in, if I asked you to do …well…like…anything…then that might be thought of as special?”
You will say, “If you want that kind of special then my love, just say the word, and oh, by the way, if I don’t get it? Repeat it over and over and over and over again until I do. You see, my hearing and my language skills are lacking at times, but my intent to please is infinite.”
Blah, blah, blah. Code, boychik. Code.
You are just too funny, hilarious!!
Neil,
This is a sociological thing, but not really a mystery. It’s just fucked up. As a woman who has often displayed the same behavior, I totally sympathize with Sophia’s position, and have certainly done the same thing. But I also agree that it would be better if we women *could* just be straighforward with what we want.
But, for your benefit, let me clear up what I believe is the origin of this female behavior trait:
The gist is that women feel less “womanly” if they have to say what they want to get it.
Why? Well, women are generally taught from a young age that a “nice girl’s” (and eventually “nice woman’s”) job is to care about and give to OTHERS, moreso than herwelf, and that a female asserting herself or her needs before others is unattractive, naggy, bitchy, and selfish.
Of course, a woman has her own needs and desires, but the message is you’re not *supposed* to assert it, at least not if it means your own self-benefit over others’ well-being, because that would make you a selfish, unsexy harpy.
So, how are girls taught they CAN get what they want? Wiles. You can’t SAY what you want, but if you are VALUABLE enough–someone will SHOW you you are valuable by giving you things you want but aren’t allowed to demand. That person will go out of his/her way, make the grand gestures, because you are that great.
So, you’re taught “men don’t like demanding women; if you want to get what you want, you can’t ask for it, you have to make the man WANT to give it to you, by being nice enough, charming enough, mysterious enough, self-sacrificing enough, etc.” (Whatever method you were taught as a kid is the best model to follow.)
Even if the woman fights this sterotype later on, that societal expectation is deeply imbedded.
So this ends up getting twisted in strange ways when the woman becomes an adult. I’m sure you’ve heard the, “If I have to TELL you, it doesn’t count” line at some point in your life. Can you see where that comes from now? If she has to tell you what she wants, then it means (in an indirect way, and often just sub-consciously) to HER that she hasn’t been “womanly” enough to get you to anticipate her needs and do for her without her having to become a “harpy” by telling you.
Like I said, it’s fucked up, and it’s wrong on a lot of levels. But it’s how it is. Fixing it would mean we’d have to fix a lot of the attitudes it’s built on.
But on an individual basis, people can work on it. I try to. But it is hard sometimes when you feel you have to spell everything out, and the man can’t “sound out” what you really want, in the same way way a woman has always been taught to sound out what her lover and family and friends REALLY want, vs. what they say they want.
Of course, it’s doubly confusing for men, becuase if a woman LIKES you, she wants you to go the extra mile, even if she says the opposite. If she DOESN’T like you at the moment, and you go the extra mile, she might call you a stalker. I can imagine this would be confusing to men–how do you know which is her basic feeling? All I can say is, learn to zone in on the signals by trial and error.
Or, get her to start telling you exactly what she wants, if she knows. (Which is always another challenging factor. Everyone’s wants and needs change. Sometimes you just don’t know what you want, so you take a best guess, and it’s wrong!)
You are right on the money, Miss Syl.
Awesome Bitch posted My Boyfriend the Adorable
women are easy to understand…now, men are…
I think that that’s the beauty of it. Life is more fun and you discover each other as time goes by. You’d be very bored if you were to know all and everything about us.
Fitèna
well, for what it’s worth, i think most times girls say one thing and expect the others just to see us being a bad boy and at the same time allowing them to keep both scenarios open. i’ve done that whole thing flying across atlantic/pacific/indian ocean bit more than once in my life with various results. the truth is, you never know what’s there. it’s a hormone thing. i don’t think even they know.
OK, I peeked, I’m sorry. But guys, please know that Neil is a liar.
I admit they’re not that spectacular, Neil, but you received TWO tits. Both mine. One on the left, the other on the right, in the traditional non-Cubist arrangement that men usually like – no offense intended to the Fernand Leger fans among you. In case my tits are that forgettable to you, perhaps you remember me sitting on the couch with a big smile. No? Well, I am willing to wager that my tits would beat Sophia’s tits any effing day of the week, hands down. Hands down my SHIRT, Neil.
Guys, they’re real, they’re firm, and since I began exercising again regularly, they’re specTACular. They were sent to YOU, Neil, out of the GOODNESS of my heart. My heart, Neil. You remember my heart, Neil? My yearning heart? The one that beats under my TITS?
We’re through, Neil. I have not been so humiliated and cavalierly treated in … all my born days.
Sophia, he’s all yours. Good luck with him.
Oh, and I want the photo back, too, Neil.
I don’t understand men.
Neil, a man that can/will dance gets the girl every time.
My husband of 19 years still dances with me and I am the envy of every other woman sitting around waiting for their husbands to get out of the bar.
I don’t think we are supposed to understand them. Just enjoy the ride.
So, what’s the problem? Sophia was right. 100% right. What is this ‘making sense’ that you speak of?? It doesn’t have to make perfect sense. But she was right.
Yearning — maybe my spam catcher caught that email, but thank you for your thoughtfulness. I do see what you are talking about on your site. Very nice. Your man is one lucky fellow! But in the Boob Olympics, you’re up against some pretty tough competition if you want to go against Sophia’s…
I don’t understand women either and I am one. Good luck on that.
Sure, blame the spam catcher. You’re not weaseling out of this that easily.
Did the spam catcher block my Yahoo text messages, too?
no means yes sometimes. the hard part is figuring out when.
It’s all about the grand gesture. Overcoming practicality with romance. Being willing to look silly by dancing with a mop, or showing up unannounced, just for her. But be clear on her feelings for you, first. If she loves you, she’s happy to see you and thrilled you made the effort, no matter her protestations. If she’s not in to you, it just makes you a psycho stalker.
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That behaviour isn’t about women… it’s about being manipulative, dishonest and passive-aggressive. Not all women are bitches, your mistake is you chose a woman who is all of that. Real women are honest and straight-forward in their communications – just like men.
Peace,
Weasle
Women think with their heart AND their brains. She meant both. She was using her brain when telling you not to come but her heart was saying please come.
Not meaning to sound sexist but trying to be honest, I’m so glad I’m not a woman, life would be soooo confusing. I can just sit down with a beer, watch a game, cuddle my kids. I know exactly what I want and am easily pleased. Bring a woman into my life and everything gets completely thrown out of the window and my brain is left like a confused porridge not knowing whether to go left or right.
Oh boy. You’ve got a lot to learn about women, my friend. Way more than I care to fit into a little comment box. But I’ll say this: Women want you to do something because YOU want to do it, not because they told you to. Don’t seek their approval. You failed this time, but there’ll be another chance down the line.