Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Easter vs. Passover 2006: The Grudge Match

matzohball_roll.jpg
(Easter eggs vs. Passover matzoh balls)

Yes, it’s that time of the year again as Jews and Christians battle it out for Spring Holiday of the Year.

Let the Games Begin!

1)  HOLIDAY CANDY  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

ecandy2.jpg

Marshmellow Peeps  (-10)
Cadbury Mini Eggs  (+12)

pcandy1.jpg

Fruit slices (+5)
Barton’s Kosher for Passover Chocolates  (-15)

HOLIDAY CANDY WINNER:  EASTER!

2)  HOLIDAY CAKE  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

ebread.jpg

Hot Cross Buns  (+25)
Assorted Easter Cakes  (+50)

pbread1.jpg

Streit’s Macaroons  (-150)
Passover Cakes (-100)

HOLIDAY CAKE WINNER:  EASTER!

3)  HOLIDAY MEAL  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

emeal1.jpg

Glazed Ham  (-150)
Leg of Lamb  (-50)
Vegetables   (+50)

pmeal1.jpg

Brisket (+150)
Matzo Kugel  (+75)
Gefilte Fish (-25)
Matzo Ball Soup (+350)

HOLIDAY MEAL WINNER: PASSOVER!

4)  HOLIDAY FUN  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

eplay.jpg

Making Easter Eggs (+30)
Rolling Easter Eggs  (+3)

pplay.jpg

Finding the Afikomen [hidden matzo] and making money (+100)

HOLIDAY FUN WINNER: PASSOVER!

5)  HOLIDAY “SURPRISE” GUEST  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

pguest.jpg

The Easter Rabbit (+20)

pguest2.jpg

Elijah showing up to the seder to drink his “glass of wine.” (-1)

HOLIDAY “SURPRISE GUEST” WINNER: EASTER!

6)  HOLIDAY MOVIE  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

emovie.jpg

“The Passion of the Christ” — a violent and depressing movie (-25)

movie2.jpg

“The Ten Commandments” — old-school epic with lots of action and sex. (+140)

HOLIDAY MOVIE WINNER:  PASSOVER!

7)  HOLIDAY “HOT DATE”  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

Heidi2.jpg

Bringing Heidi Klum to your Easter Dinner.   (+100)

barb1.jpg

Bringing Barbra Streisand to you Passover Seder. (+550)

HOLIDAY “HOT DATE” WINNER: PASSOVER!

70 Comments

  1. Brilliant post, Neil! Makes me want to celebrate both!

  2. I see through you Neil. Your graphic novel of a post allowed you to give a rest to that literary part of your brain. lucky your other parts are just as strong. I am all for a Best Of Holiday, taking the prime parts of both, celebrating everything, denigrating nothing.

  3. No, no, no. Ham is worth at least +40,569,486,949,346,945,839,450,458,439,405 points. And you totally cheated in the candy category by not giving us credit for SOLID chocolate bunnies.

  4. I need an invite to passover so that I can have some lovely brisket. I would go as someone’s shiksa date. Do you put out a Craigslist ad for that?

  5. Ick Brisket. If it isn’t prepared properly, (and it often overcooked,) it tastes like seasoned shoe leather.

    And I would imagine Barbra Streisand would be the most high maintenance guest on the planet! And I bet she wouldn’t sing neither 😉

  6. Neil,

    You da Wise Son!

    Happy Passover.

  7. Forgetfully asking your mother what she’s having for dinner on random Friday night during Lent: -50.

    Listening to your mother’s response and noticing she’s referring to “Catholics” as if you’ve never ever heard of them or their practices before: +500.

  8. LOL! I love this!!!
    I never heard about the “Passover” before. Which makes me realise how much we learn from reading others.
    I get lots of oeufs de paques for easter, I wish I could celebrate Passover too!
    Thank you,

    Fitèna

  9. Are you honestly going to make me choose between Peeps and fruit slices? Two of my all-time favorite candies? You’re a cruel man.

  10. I was with you till the Streisand part. What is with that?

  11. Wasabi?
    Not much. Wasabi with you?

  12. You mocked the Peeps!!! Inconceivable!!

    And matzo ball soup – good matzo ball soup – is pricless. I smell a Visa ad coming from this.

  13. I’m with JustRun… I was with you until the Streisand part. Gotta take Klum over her 10 times out of 10.

    The “surprise guest” category was great, as was the kid with the $100 bill.

  14. I agree with most of your scores except I think hot cross buns are disgusting (but three cheers for the coconut lamb cake). Have you ever tasted a homemade macaroon? They’re worth at least 100 points. I’d also give making Easter eggs more points than finding the afikomen–in my family we always got gypped. Besides, only one person can find the afikomen but everyone can color eggs. I agree with you about the movies but there ARE way better Easter films than the horrible “Passion of the Christ.” And I think Babs would ruin any seder because it would be such a Big Deal that she was there.

  15. Whilst I am as goyem as it gets, I do enjoy the occasional matzo and horseradish sammich. But I prefer “Ben Hur” to “The Ten Commandments” as my easter fare. Definitely not Mel’s holy snuff movie!

  16. I went to my first Seder a few years ago and actually found the meal much more vegetarian friendly than the standard Easter fare. So there’s another plus for Passover.

  17. Ham alone wins the debate (although Charlton Heston was one bad @ss Moses).

  18. I’m with Dustin. Ham kicks ass, period.

    I like mine with Peeps and macaroons. Mmm…macaroons…

  19. Dude, you can’t judge Easter films by The PAssion Of The Christ. In our house, we watched Life Of Brian, which I would totally back against the Ten Commandments any day.

  20. Ack. Ham makes me want to puke.

  21. First, leg of lamb beats almost everything, except sausage pizza. Second, fruit slices are nice, macaroons are nice, but daquiri flavored jelly beans are positive proof of the existence of God.
    Third, The Passion of the Christ is not an Easter movie; it is a Good Friday movie, and it succeeds in telling what happened to Jesus on that particular Friday: he got his ass stomped big time and then got strung up to die. So comparing it to the Ten Commandments is like comparing matzoh and Wonder Bread. Now Chuck smiting the Egyptians is one great bad movie and it makes me wonder why it is that Moses, a man slow of speech, is portrayed as a guy who cant ever shut the hell up. And finally, Barbra beats Heidi? Are you completely out of your mind, Neal? Has your penis decided to take the week off and go fishing? Who would put up with a schmuckette like Barbra when you could have Heidi show up? Like, mega DUH!

  22. yet again, i am wishing i was jewish.

    🙂 sizz

  23. Hey…where’s the RUGALAH?!They’re my FAVE!

  24. No way…Elijah’s glass can’t be -1. Disappearing wine has to be worth at least +100.

  25. i love jelly rings.

    also, no way that gefilte fish is -50. get the icky gel out of the way, add a little horseradish… oy!

  26. Mrs. Mogul — there is NO good rugulah on Passover because you’re not supposed to eat leavened bread. That’s why Passover cake tastes like (spit) Passover cake.

    TE – I forgot about Ben Hur. That’s a good one. With Planet of the Apes and the Omega Man in his oevre, I’m now thinking Charlton Heston is the greatest movie actor ever — despite his craziness over guns.

    And, OK, Heidi Klum might be younger, but Babs is way more sexy.

  27. Well, I’m not the most public about my, erm, affiliations, but at the mention of matzo ball soup, I have the urge to run out onto the street shouting, ‘Hey, that’s my people with that cool soup!’ Which would be even weirder here in Denmark. Otherwise, I always found Passover seder a bit boring though, to tell the truth.

  28. How could you question Heidi?

    Our Easter film will probably be Armageddon.

  29. Kimananda — sure the Seder can be boring, but have you ever been to Easter Mass?

  30. Neil, don’t forget Soylent Green. Now, that, along with the other movies mentioned…rounds out a great career for Chuck.

  31. Barbra Streisand? Really? [shakes head sadly] Neil, say it ain’t so.

    I’ve had a secret crush on you for months but now I’m not so sure. I feel a little dirty now. Which is sad, because most of the time when I’m reading your column I feel ALOT dirty.

    Sigh.

  32. Flirt — My interest in Barbra Streisand is not new — here and here.

  33. I think the leg of lamb deserves more points. Of course, I would want a sampler plate — a little lamb, a little brisket.

  34. I don’t know, Neil. I think those dark chocolate passover mints beat out Peeps.

    I also think if Elijah actually showed up, it would beat out the Easter Bunny.

    Can you e-mail me and let me know what kind of drugs you’ve been partaking of lately to come up these brilliant posts? Thanks!

  35. I couldn’t think of a better argument for bringing these two traditions together and making them a complete worthwhile endevor. But then again I think you would call that “Jews for Jesus”?

    or maybe not.

  36. The matzo ball soup is the highlight of Passover to me. But I do like your post! Have a great holiday 🙂

  37. Doesn’t anyone do turkey for Easter anymore? Or is that just a Canadian thing?

  38. Easter is roasted leg of lamb, ham or bbq, big fat baskets full of candy, chocolate bunnies, godiva truffle eggs, toys, plastic eggs full of money or jewelry or sport tickets, and family time. And if it’s a really good one, home made ice cream

  39. You’ve made my Christian Vs. Jew internal debate that much more difficult! Thanks a lot.

  40. Ok Neil, I have to admit that photo of Babs is kind of hot. Let’s never disagree again.

  41. i have no idea what any of that food is for passover and isn’t the ten commandments an easter movie? i’m catholic, we always watched it every easter.

  42. I love how many Pro-Ham comments you’ve received.

    Good idea to end with Babs.

  43. Barbra???? Seriously! What about the jewish gals who are actually in the same league as Heidi Klume? Take Cindy Margolis for instance – one of the hottest jewish girls alive, AND she probably lives in LA, so you have that going for you. Which is nice!

  44. Apple Matzah kugel and brisket trumps everything.

  45. I’m sorry, but macaroons should not have negative points. They are da bomb, baby!

  46. Neil:
    You forgot the plagues…+350.. how much fun is that? And partaking in wine in a rebellious fashion in between the directives to partake in wine +1000. Happy Passover. Okay, Cadbury eggs take all….

  47. Better Safe — The Ten Commandments an Easter movie? If you’re gonna do that, I’m gonna take Jesus for our side!

    Brian — Cindy Margolis the hottest Jewish girl? She’s a shonda to our people. And made of more plastic than Joan and Melissa Rivers combined. And what are her talents other than her tits? Barbra can sing, dance, act, direct, be a liberal activist, AND she has great tits!

    Jacynth — I love macaroons, too, but the ones you typically buy in a can are awful. But this recipe looks good from the Food Network.

  48. “Moses, Moses, Moses!!” (that was my rendition of the best part of the Ten Commandments, or at least my favorite part 🙂

    Like any good Catholic girl, I love Easter. My family does it up big – more food than you could ever consume in one sitting, wine like rivers, and baskets full of goodies (where were the baskets full of goodies on your list?!). Because my great-aunts look for any excuse to give us gifts, we get Easter presents (video games, movies, ect.) tucked in our baskets next to huge chocolate bunnies that we munch while watching the parade after mass. And yes, at 23 I still get a basket because I’m somebody’s baby, too!

    Yay – this post just put me in the holiday spirit!

  49. You’ve obviously never had my macaroons.

  50. hilary clinton is the easter bunny?!?!

    (okay, maybe that’s not her in the picture, but it looks like her).

    and the easter bunny should actually be negative points for fucking all those chickens just to get eggs, and if you think about it, that means he could have some serious bird flu. the one in the picture is scary. holy smokes. if i were three and i saw that bunny, i’d be crying.

    (please excuse the fact that i used the F-word in the same pargraph as “easter.”)

  51. i love this! i’m looking forward to the manecheivitz wine.

  52. Dude, you need a better picture of Heidi Klum. I don’t like her hair like that.

  53. Lynn, that’s called stacking the evidence. Choose the worst picture of Heidi. Choose the best picture of Barbra. The Jews win. C’mon, I gave you the candy category. Stop complaining already.

  54. i love macaroons and that’s all
    you’re going to get out of me
    tonight.

  55. How can brisket’s puny butt win anything? Have you ever tasted brisket? It’s like, the ickiest cut of meat on the market! And also, peeps are not so much easter candy as easter fun – you can have all sorts of explody, oozy, sticky fun, which would give easter the edge in that category for sure.

    Great idea for a post.

  56. What is Jay smoking? A properly cooked brisket is a thing of beauty (I just put a 13-lb. one in the oven). And I won’t give the goyim “The Ten Commandments” as an Easter film because it takes place 1200 years before the birth of Christ. But nothing beats a well stocked Easter basket, I admit it.

  57. Brisket in the oven????? WTF? You put that bad boy on the bar-b-que pit and smoke it nice and slow. Oven? Seriously?

  58. “Choose the worst picture of Heidi. Choose the best picture of Barbra. The Jews win.”

    Neil, that statement is so bizarre on so many levels I dont know where to start. (Your penis really has gone on vacation, hasnt it?)

  59. LMAO! I see some pluses on both sides Neil! Although having Babs at your holiday would clinch it for me!

    3T

  60. Melissa, that’s goy brisket. Jewish brisket must be overcooked in the oven.

  61. Melissa’s from Texas. They BBQ everything, even their breakfast cereal.

  62. Back off, bubba, grilled Corn Flakes kick ass, and don’t get me started on the Cherrios.

  63. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, brilliant. unfortunately, though, you neglected to account for the jelly that sometimes adheres to the gefilte fish…still i believe your tally is correct and can be considered valid even given this oversight. nice work. (i laughed out loud at your extraordinarily high rating for babs at passover dinner)

  64. Oy! Imagine a Seder with Barbra airing her profound thoughts! Haven’t we Jews suffered enough? What’s wrong with Rachel Weisz?

  65. Neil. Macaroons are awesome. Even I, not one of the chosen, enjoy the fruits of Junior’s this time of the year.

  66. All the good Easter stuff is really pagan in origin. Of the truly Christian traditions, the Good Friday service creeped me out as a child. Oh yeah, and giving up stuff for Lent sucks. I agree passover wins.

  67. You say all this stuff about Passion of the Christ because none of you have had ANY experience of God. So, please, be respectful with people that have.

  68. The only mention of the Passion of the Christ was about a movie. What does that have to do with God?

  69. This is in reply to the person who wished they were Jewish, You don’t have to be Jewish to celebrate Passover, just go to Passover On The Net.com, it is a great website, just keep in mind in order to have a successful Passover celebration you need to research, and make plans.You can also get books from your local library. Happy Passover!

Comments are closed.

Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial