The announcement came from Rome:  after pressure from the ACLU, the courts had decided that crucifixion was unconstitutional.   Jesus was released and returned to his job as a carpenter, continuing his sermons as a side gig, speaking out on progressive issues important to the local community while raising his blended family.

(Coming soon:  An NPR Passover — where God’s Ten Plagues are held up in court as excessive punishment,  Moses negotiates with the Pharaoh, and the Children of Israel remain in Egypt as immigrant-workers, but with better health insurance.

Postscript:

A man appears at the door.  It is Irving Berlin.

Irving Berlin:   What kind of stupid post is this on Easter? 

Neil:   Irving Berlin?  What are you doing here?

Irving Berlin:   I like to show up on every important Christian holiday.

Neil:   Why’s that?

Irving Berlin:   Well, the last time I came to remind you that shiksas love Jewish men who write Christmas songs.  Today, I’m going to brag about Jewish guys who write Easter songs.

Neil:   I never liked “Easter Parade” that much.  Sort of a boring song.

Irving Berlin:  F**k you, Neilochka.  Let’s see how you lucky YOU get with non-Jewish girls when you move out of Sophia’s house. 

Neil:  You know, Irving, would it have killed you to actually write a song for your own people — like a Passover song?  I’ve always found Jewish girls very hot.

Irving Berlin:  Yeah, I guess they can be sexy.  But I avoid them because they remind me of my mother. 

Neil:  That’s silly.

Irving Berlin:  You know, Sophia actually looks like your mother when she was younger.

Neil:  What are you saying?  That I want to…. my own mother?!

Silence.

Irving Berlin:  How’s therapy going, Neilochka?”

Happy Easter!   Here are a few photos from the Easter Parade that Sophia and I took a few years ago –

Pam On NPR.

Caron on NPR.

(Easter eggs vs. Passover matzoh balls)

Yes, it’s that time of the year again as Jews and Christians battle it out for Spring Holiday of the Year. 

Let the Games Begin!

1)  HOLIDAY CANDY  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

Marshmellow Peeps  (-10)
Cadbury Mini Eggs  (+12) 

Fruit slices (+5)
Barton’s Kosher for Passover Chocolates  (-15)

HOLIDAY CANDY WINNER:  EASTER!

2)  HOLIDAY CAKE  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

Hot Cross Buns  (+25)
Assorted Easter Cakes  (+50)

Streit’s Macaroons  (-150)
Passover Cakes (-100)

HOLIDAY CAKE WINNER:  EASTER!

3)  HOLIDAY MEAL  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

Glazed Ham  (-150)
Leg of Lamb  (-50)
Vegetables   (+50)

Brisket (+150)
Matzo Kugel  (+75)
Gefilte Fish (-25)
Matzo Ball Soup (+350)

HOLIDAY MEAL WINNER:  PASSOVER!

4)  HOLIDAY FUN  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

Making Easter Eggs (+30)
Rolling Easter Eggs  (+3)

Finding the Afikomen [hidden matzo] and making money (+100)

HOLIDAY FUN WINNER:  PASSOVER!

5)  HOLIDAY "SURPRISE" GUEST  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

The Easter Rabbit (+20)

Elijah showing up to the seder to drink his "glass of wine." (-1)

HOLIDAY "SURPRISE GUEST" WINNER:  EASTER!

6)  HOLIDAY MOVIE  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

"The Passion of the Christ" — a violent and depressing movie (-25)

"The Ten Commandments" — old-school epic with lots of action and sex. (+140)

HOLIDAY MOVIE WINNER:  PASSOVER!

7)  HOLIDAY "HOT DATE"  — EASTER VS. PASSOVER

Bringing Heidi Klum to your Easter Dinner.   (+100)

Bringing Barbra Streisand to you Passover Seder. (+550)

HOLIDAY "HOT DATE" WINNER:  PASSOVER!

Dear Fellow Congregants of Temple Beit Blogosphere,

Shalom!

May I commend you on the excellent work you did last month.  Getting Walmart to say "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas" was a real coup!  We even got Bill O’Reilly’s attention, and he ended up promoting it endlessly. 

Did you know that one of Bill O’Reilly’s producers is Jewish?  What a shonda!  Let’s not even bring up that Jack Abramoff.  Never trust an Orthodox Jew who spends too much time at an Indian casino.

Anyway, the Temple Sisterhood is already making plans for next year’s big Holiday controversy.  Imagine what FOX News will say when we suggest changing the title of the traditional carol "Silent Night, Holy Night" to "Silent Night, Ho Ho Ho Night."  so it is less "religiously Christian."  Ooh, boy, that’s going to be a good one!  You’ll all be receiving your memos in the mail some time in September.

As you know, the next big Christian holiday is Easter.  Normally, here in America, we don’t get much bothered by Easter.   After all, we have Passover, and most of us would rather eat some good gefilte fish than an Easter ham.   In fact, I’m sure if Jesus was here himself, he’d be chugging down the Manischewitz at a seder with the rest of us. 

However, things might be different this Easter.  According to the Washington Post, trouble is brewing in Easter-land, and it has nothing to do with wearing bonnets:

Three months before the annual Easter egg roll at the White House, the usually festive event is already taking on a divisive edge because of plans by gay- and lesbian-led families to turn out en masse in hopes of raising their public profile.

Conservative groups are up at arms at the thought of thousands of gays and lesbians coming with their children to participate in the annual White House  "egg roll.".

"It’s improper to use the egg roll for political purposes," said Mark Tooley of the conservative Institute on Religion and Democracy.

Now, most Jews only know one "egg roll," and it goes best with a little spicy Chinese mustard.  But maybe it’s time for us to take a little political action of our own.  Why shouldn’t our children have the simcha of going to the White House and playing on the front lawn with all the Christian kids?  

Of course we want our "little bundles of joy" to maintain their Jewish identity at this event.  That’s why Danny Lebowitz of the Temple Men’s Club had the wonderful idea of providing each Jewish child with his or her own matzoh ball to roll on the White House lawn. 

What a great country this is where Christian children and Jewish children can play side by side, rolling their eggs and matzoh balls side by side! 

Take that, Bill O’Reilly!

Rabbi Neilochka Kramer