Citizen of the Month » You Decide

You Decide

I hate all you bloggers out there. All you ever talk about is:

“Me, me, me. Read me! Read me!”

And I’m no better. I’m like a trained monkey typing away to amuse a bunch of ungrateful strangers.

At least Stephanie Klein gets paid to write.

Or if at least I got to sleep with some hot female blogger – that would make blogging worth the trouble.

“But no,” she said. “You’re married.”

Like that stopped her from jumping into the sack with that real estate attorney last September.

I noticed Lynn started a Poetry Thursday segment. I hate poetry, but I wrote one anyway.

Dark, Dark, Dark
It Makes me Weary,
Just Thinkin’ About
The Blogosphery

I would quit blogging right now, but I’m too wishy-washy to make my own decision. That’s why I’m going to let Fate decide. Whoever writes the ~~FIRST~~ ~~SECOND~~ THIRD comment — I want you to tell me whether to continue blogging or to quit immediately.

YOUR DECISION will be final. You will decide the future of “Citizen of the Month.”

Tags: blogging, comments, trained monkey

82 Comments so far
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Hey, sorry. Even though I’m the first one here, I was actually looking for another blog titled “Citizen of the Month.” But I just read some of your posts and I think your blog really sucks. I would definitely quit writing it.

Vince, you asshole, you don’t know shit. And just to spite you, I’m going to keep this blog going.

You can’t do that. Are you a fucking hypocrite? You said the first commenter decides whether you quit or not. So, I say quit. You can’t change your mind now, dipshit.

Are you blind, you moronic idiot? If you read it carefully the first time, it says “Whoever writes the SECOND comment…”

Do you think I’m stupid? You just changed that.

Fuck you, Vince. Don’t come back here. I’m banning your IP Address.

Hi there, Neilochka. Ooh! Am I the second commenter? Yesssss! I’m a fifteen year old boy in a hospital in Dallas. I am very sick. One of my only joys in life is reading your blog every day. I don’t know if I could “make it” without reading your wit and wisdom every morning. One day, I hope to become healthy, move to New York, became a famous book editor, and make you into famous writer. Please don’t give up, Neil. There are thousands of children like me around the world who depend on you.

Little Timmy — thank you so much for those kind words. While it was true that I was thinking of quitting the blogging scene, after hearing your story, I have decided to continue on for you — and all the children of the world. If I could just make one child laugh, that means more to me that all the money in the world, or even sleeping with some hot blogger.

I’m using my laptop in Starbucks just to come to this dumb blog and annoy you about your bullshit. Come on, Neilochka, there is no fuckin’ Little Timmy. You made him up.

Of course there is a Little Timmy. Look him up if you want to. He’s in the hospital in Dallas.

I don’t really give a shit. It doesn’t matter. He wasn’t the second commenter anyway. You were the second commenter.

I don’t count as a commenter.

Then I’m the first AND second commenter.

Well, it’s now the third commenter who makes the decision. It’s my blog and I’ll do what I want to. And I’m blocking you again.

Neil, my name is Juliette. I am a professional model in Paris. I’m a long time reader who’s never written here before. I’m so glad I’m the third commenter. I was so touched by what you said to Little Timmy, I was brought to tears. You cannot quit. I am incredibly attracted to you, both to your brilliant writing and your sparkling white teeth in that photo of you somewhere in the archives. I want to have your babies, or at least have sex until it hurts. People say I look like a cross between Catherine Zeta-Jones and Salma Hayek, only younger and prettier. I know you’re married — but since you’re really separated, I think it’s perfectly OK for us to fuck all weekend in some hotel somewhere and not get too emotionally involved. I actually think Sophia is open enough to understand that you’re a “real man” with a real man’s needs.

Juliette — thank you so much for your offer, but unfortunately, I must decline. I love and respect Sophia too much to jump into bed with the first woman who offers. No, before I would do something like this, I would need to blog with this person a while, maybe even send an email or two. Only then, should the woman send me the information about which hotel I should meet her in (and remember, when you buy me the airplane ticket to your city, I prefer first class — and hopefully with American Airlines, because I can use the miles). Thank you for your support!

Your blog really really sucks.

Hey, this seems rigged!

You are so completely full of shit… I love it.

This is great:) Love it.

Wow. That picture is really creeping me out.

Neilochka, I had no idea how good you really are…saving the lives of little Timmy and hot Juliette. And I thought Citizen of the Month was just a useless, ordinary blog. You are a true humanitarian. I say…keep writing!

Damn. I should have written a post like this.

Continue to threaten to quit, but then don’t.

I was going to urge you to continue the blog, but I am so jealous of you right now for writing this awesome entry that I am inclined to tell you to shut it down.

So stop it. Now. Before I get any more upset.

Really. I mean it.

Just stop.

quit.

or not.

Heh heh…keep going, your comments are hilarious.

Neil. You have to keep writing at least until Tuesday after you read about yourself on Hookers and Blow. There’s an encomium dedicated to you. This is the head’s up.

Encomium? Now you’re the type of reader I want! Someone who uses big words I’ve never seen in my life.

you should definitely go on blogging. i just added you to my -okay secret- list of blogs of note (it’s a word.doc but i am going to publish it)
Or i can always pay you to continue, and Klein is going to be sorry.

Quit! Quit! Quit! Then it would all be me! me! me!

Forget writing posts….you should create a blog that is all comments. You post comments and then more comments. Interesting idea, eh?

Oh wait.. I think that’s called a message board. Well, whatever. You can continue to blog then.

I waited ALL WEEKEND for you to post. I’m glad you didn’t disappoint me. Or little Timmy. Or hot Juliette.

Silly Neil. You don’t hate poetry. Nobody hates poetry. Hate racism. Hate flatulence. But don’t hate poems!

P.S. Why is that little girl feeding a monkey a dildo?

don’t be a hater Neil! So don’t give up!!

if you continue blogging, then maybe someday you will finally LINK to my site…

hey, is that little girl wearing a strap-on?

Too funny, Neil. Just had to drop by to say that.

I would laugh very hard, but I’m so very ill that I fear that would be the death of me… instead - have an “LoL” and a “ROTFL” and know that I’m doing them in spirit

I’m not even going to check out all these comments. I’ll just say that if I were you, I’d change the blog title to CITIZEN OF THE YEAR! You have my vote, Neil.

Sadly, it turns out that Little Timmy has an incurable case of encomium…

Great post…lol.

Dear Neil, I am nominating you and your blog for the newly created Humanitarian Blog of the Year Award. It’s a new award that the United Nations has found time to organize. Huge fundraiser. New York City. The Works.

I’m having a hard time keeping up here - what happened to little timmy?

What Bella said!

Lol! Surely, it must be a sin to be this funny!

We love you Neil, whatever but don’t quit!!!

Fitèna

If you quit, millions of women the world over will be left with nothing to do, Neil. If you don’t go on for yourself, do it for usthem.

Wow, it’s a dangerous game, this blogging. Only now have I realized how much. Keep blogging, if only to give yourself, yourself, and yourself something to do.

I think something just came out my nose from laughing too hard. damn you, little timmy.

gee, looks like i missed the party in the comment box last night!

i’m sure this is rig. you should keep on doing this and we’ll find out.

btw, when you threaten to quit, does that mean your penis will take over?

Maybe we want Neil’s penis to take over? It wrote very intelligently a few days ago. Maybe Neil himself wants his penis to take over? This sounds like a clear case of Sigmund Freud’s Penis Envy, perhaps? (Well, maybe not….but I’m not familiar enough with Freud’s theories to know which one works here. But clearly it’s not the Oedipus Complex. And I know Freud obsessed over penises. In fact, I think he may have obsessed over Neil’s penis. But I just can’t be sure. I must do more research and get back to you.)

So until then Neil…please keep your penis off the keyboard. We must ensure the safety of the world from Freud. And besides…. Penises that type = Terrorism.

That’s all I’m saying.

Keep blogging so I can see more disturbing images such as this one!

I’ll shoot you off an email next time I’m coming to LA

And don’t quit blogging damn it!

I don’t think you could quit even if you really wanted to.

Forget Little Timmy, it’s ME who needs to be entertained!

How dare you manipulate me like that! Threatening to quit, that’s just mean.

You’re a freaking genius, and I adore you.

Love, Trixie

I need to call you a bunch of ungrateful strangers more often.

Neil you are the funniest, please keep saving people like little Timmy, Juliette…and the rest of us…we need you!

I’m definitely late to this party, but need to add to the multitudes that you can’t quit. I enjoy stalking your blog too much!!

Dildos totally came to mind when I saw that picture too.

Please continue to blog, but be sure it involves more arguments with “Vince”.

You have a blog?

Words are easy for a blogger. Still waiting for that offer of all-expenses-paid weekend of noncommital, cheap, torrid sex with hot female blogger…

And it’s a banana, you sickos!

What’s a “blog?”

I think Leah’s on to something- we could continue on with the Freudian BS just looking at this post. There’s wish fullfillment (dreaming up Julietee) / expression of repressed aggressive id desires (Vince).

How dare you even think of quitting? Where do you think we poor souls will get our dose of humor and sin all rolled together?

Neil, if for some odd reason Timmy or Juliette haven’t convinced you to keep on blogging, then I hope that I can be the one. I’ve been enjoying your blog for some time now, but have always felt shy to comment. Somehow, however, you make me feel relaxed and comfortable … to the point that I would like to embark on a exploratory homosexual relationship with you. I am a married man, so in God’s eyes, this may not be entirely holy, but my instincts tell me we could be worth it to one another. As a token gesture of my admiration, I am sending you a small e-back-rub, which I hope will rouse you to continue blogging.

::rub::

Please let me know if I’ve crossed any line in this matter. I wish only to make to feel as comfortable and welcome as you have made me. By the way, I am missing an arm. I though you might like to know that.

Wow, are you having a totally diva day or what?

Sophia: “This is working out great. Just like we planned.”

Neil: “You’re a genius, Sophia. First we make up that “separated couple” story, then we milk it that I’m quitting blogging, and tomorrow we ask for everyone to “subscribe” to this blog for $1.25 a day — or discounted at $8.75 a week.”

Sophia: “$1.25 is $8.75 a week.”

Neil: “I know, but my readers are so dumb, they’ll buy anything. And they’re cheap too — always looking for a bargain. ”

Sophia: “You really think they’re going to pay to read this blog? It’s not that great.”

Neil: “Are you nuts, Jennifer — oops, almost used your real name, uh, “Sophia”… didn’t you read the comments. I’m a genius! I’m like a God to these people. When I say dance, they dance.”

Sophia: “Are you going to tell them that you’re really a woman, and that we’re lesbian lovers?”

Neil: “Of course. They’re mostly a bunch of bleeding heart liberals who listen to NPR all the time. One mention that I’m a woman who wants to get a sex-change operation so the two of us can adopt Chinese babies and the money is gonna come rolling in!”

Sophia: “Then we can move to Aruba, right? And start that Christian-friendly online poker website like we always dreamed!”

Neil: “This has always been God’s plan.”

Now God’s in the blog too?

Look at it this way, Neil: at least you’re keeping yourself entertained!

Love you and your sheer genius.

It should be YOU, Neilochka, not the Tragic Greek Cow that gets a book deal. YOU, I say.

So, there’s my answer - MUST keep the blog going.

Ciao!

are’nt you are writer? why would a writer quit a blog? hmmmmm, i know, i bet you’ve got a movie deal lined up, you’re planning on quitting the blog and becoming an actor instead. so instead of reading your blog, we can all watch you act out your blog. other than that, i can’t think of any reason for you to quit your blog, so stop toying with me.

It was bad enough when that “King George” of yours said he was waging wars on account of my “plan,” but now this?! You better watch it, dude, or I’m gonna get truly Biblical on your butt (and your lesbian girlfriend, too).

keep on shpritzing, Neil. That last comment exchange between you and “Sophia” cracked me up.

Um… we’re not ALL a bunch of bleeding heart liberals… Ahem!

What a title: Deleted Weekend Post.
Neil, don’t you realize that nobody wants to Passover you…? (groan)

Happy Passover to the Kramers.

The back hair is totally out of control, Neil.

and you said GOD would never write anyone…

Don’t read my blog! (Feel better?)

What would my fantasy life be if I could no longer read your blog, Neil?

Just to satisfy my curiosity, what was the chimp’s opinion?

It’s like seeing a split personality in action! Anyway, keep it up ; )

Please quit blogging, Neil. If I know you’ve quit, then I’ll be able to stop reading your blog to procrastinate. And maybe I’ll get some of my own writing done!

You’re right. It’s all about ME, ME, ME!

P.S.: I thought the Valentine’s card with the monkey and the dildo was disturbing, until I read the comment about your Penis on the keyboard. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go poke out my eyes. It’s the only way I can stop visualizing.

Neil, I think you’re the first blogger to simultaneously create and break through the fourth wall. You’re a blogging genius!

[...] A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: You Decide [...]

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