Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Photo Shoot

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Today, I finally played around with the free phone I got for being a Sprint Ambassador.  It’s a cool phone with a lot of options:  the ability to go online, to download music, and to watch TV.  It also has a decent camera.  I was going to take some photos, but I couldn’t figure out what to photograph.  I was going to put the phone away when I heard my Penis talking to me from inside my pants.

“Hey, I have an idea.  Let’s do some cockblogging.”

“Huh?”

“You know, all those websites that women have where men send photos in of their erections.  Let’s take a photo of me.”

“And why on Earth would I want to do that?”

“Answer me this.  Have you ever looked at a photo of a naked woman online?”

“Uh,  sometimes.”

“Think of this as giving something back to the community.”

“I don’t think so.  I don’t enjoy the idea of plastering an image of my penis all over the blogosphere.  Especially since I’m supposedly looking for a job.”

“It might actually HELP you get a better job.  Employers like workers with initiative.”

“I don’t really really feel comfortable with this.”

“You say you’re a believer in feminism and women’s equality, but when women want to express their sexuality by looking at erect penises, you mock them.”

“I’m not mocking them.”

“Why don’t you just put them behind Burqas?  Move them all to Saudi Arabia, you hypocrite.”

“Penis, you’re really being manipulative with this argument.”

“As they say, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.”

“You’re totally out of line, Penis…”

“C’mon… do it for the women.  The lonely women.  The ones who will be home on Valentine’s Day without a boyfriend and all they have is your erect penis on the computer monitor.  Be a mensch.”

I started thinking about all my lonely Valentine’s Days, when the only one who sent me a card was my mother.

“Do you really think it will help brighten someone’s day?”

“Sure… sure…   and isn’t that what you’re all about…”

“I do like to make other people happy…”

“Then it’s settled…”

“OK, let’s try it and see what happens. ”

“Great, let’s get to work!”

“What’s the first step?”

“Do you still have that “Dancing with the Stars” on the Tivo?  The one with the very sexy dancer named Cheryl doing the rumba in that short skirt?”

“I think so.”

Four minutes later we were ready for the photo shoot.

We moved to the bedroom, where I attempted to frame the perfect shot.  I checked the light with an old light meter I had used in film school.

“Penis, could you just move over a little to the left… that’s it… good…good… Brilliant lighting.  It reminds me a little bit of the opening shot in “Rear Window””

“You do realize you’re setting things up to take the shot from the left side.  When I’m actually more photogenic on my right side.

“Well, I have to do it this way if I want the mirror in the shot.  There supposed to be a reflection.  Did you ever see Bergman’s “Wild Strawberries?””

“Are you an asshole?  I’m the one who’s going to be in the photo and I’m telling you that my right side is better!”

“Does it really matter which side I shoot you from?”

“Would you ask that of  Barbra Streisand?  On talk shows, they rearrange the furniture just for her. She even comes with her own special lighting equipment.”

“For a man’s dick, you’re a real prima donna.”

“I think you’re a little jealous that I’m the star here, and you’re just the crew.  Below-the-line, as they say in Hollywood.”

“I’m the photographer, jerk.  Like Ansel Adams, they remember the photographer, not the subject.”

“Oh yeah, so tell me, what were you thinking of naming this photograph?”

“How about something like… “Neil and his Cock?”

“You slimy backstabber.  I knew it!  It clearly should be named “The Cock and his Neil.””

“You’re my cock.  Why should you get top billing?”

“Oh, I see.  Now you want top billing?  Before you didn’t even want anyone to do this.  Now all of a sudden, you see the fame and fortune.   Very “All about Eve” of you.   I do the work and you take the money.  Welcome to the entertainment industry.”

“Listen, Penis, I don’t care what you say.  I’m not going to put my own name after my own cock.”

“Oh, Big Neilochka.  Now I see the real you.  You say you’re a nice guy, but you’re really a creep.  You want to play hard ball…”

“Calm down, Penis.”

“Who are you to tell me what to do?  I run things around here.”

“Actually you don’t.  I do.”

“Bullshit!”

“You know, forget it.  This photo shoot is off!”

“Fuck you, Neilochka!”

“OK, Penis, go back to normal.”

“Ha Ha.  Sucker!  I’m staying up as long as I want.  Hard as a rock.”

“Go down, I insist.”

“Fuck you.  Fuck you.  Fuck you.”

“Look, if you’re not going to go down yourself, I can just –”

“Get your goddamn hand off me.  How rude.  You don’t touch me unless I agree to it.  Sometimes no means no.”

“OK, I’m sorry.  May I, please…?”

“No.”

“OK, fine.  Then I’m going to take a cold shower.  That should work.”

‘No, it won’t.  Not if I don’t say so.”

“Oh, yes it will.”

“Ten bucks.”

“You’re on!”

As I headed to the shower, I could hear —

“Scarlett Johannson’s gorgeous ripe, delicious tits.  Imagine them in your face.  Sharon Stone slowly opening her thighs revealing the good stuff in Basic Instinct.  She’s calling you over.  “Neilochka, Neilochka, fuck me, fuck me.  Sophia in Madrid during the honeymoon, slowly taking off her clothes.”

“OK, shut up!  Shut up!”

I reached over for the telephone and dialed it.  Sophia answered.

“Hello?”

“Sophia, it’s me.  I need you to come over right away.”

“I’m watching last week’s Celebrity Poker Showdown.”

“It’s an emergency.”

“What’s the matter?”

“It’s, uh, my cock… I need you to…”

“Gee, how romantic.  Good-bye.”

Click.  She hung up.

“OK, I give up.”

“Good — let’s go back to the shoot.”

“Fine.”

“Ha Ha.  The Penis always wins.”

But I didn’t say I was going to take a GOOD SHOT.

Who’s the sucker now, Penis?!   You are!!   Loser!

Man 1    Penis 0

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47 Comments

  1. Uhhh… yeah… as a side-benefit, your Google hits are now going to go through the roof because you’ve achieved maximum “penis” saturation in this entry. It looks like you also have a good chance of cashing in on this new “cockblogging” trend (at least it’s new to me… thankfully) for even more Google lovin’.

    Your penis is brilliant, and should write a book on how to generate blog traffic! You should listen to your penis more often.

  2. Who are you kidding, Neil? You know all the gals are gonna make the “big foot, big penis” connection and you will even be more popular.

    Sneaky.

    Now where are my size 16s?

  3. How many times have I heard a man berating his penis. We really are the superior sex…

  4. were your legs silky smoothed for the photo shoot??

  5. Does your penis have representation and if not, may I apply for the job? 😉

  6. too funny…. thanks Neil.

  7. Yes, Neil. Just like Ansel Adams.
    ~HDJ

  8. Cute toes. And I have to say that the action-blurry shot makes me think you were actually wrestling with your penis at the time!

    btw, did you REALLY get the sprint ambassador phone?!!!

  9. Took “you guys” 4 minutes to get ready for that photo shoot? Geez Neil, your age is showing a bit.

  10. Is Penis going to continue to remain nameless? Where’s that Name that Penis contest your dedicated readers requested — no, demanded!?

  11. Nice long toes… hmmm 😉

  12. All that build up…for a foot? I’m going to have to go back to my e-mail inbox now and look at all the Johnsons men have sent me.

    What a letdown, Neilochka.

  13. Cockblogging will never go anywhere, I think, if for no other reason than the vast majority of American men do not feel it necessary to reveal their shortcomings to the digital public. The possibility of humiliation is one of society’s great deterrents against such behavior.

  14. Dave, originally, the word “cockblogging” was in the title, but then I thought that was just going to attract too many weirdos. But I will be curious on how this will affect my google searches.

    TWM — Old wives tale. I think it’s now supposed to be the index finger bigger than the middle finger. Or maybe that’s supposed to mean you’re gay. I forget.

    Anne-Marie — No, as wonderful as the camera-phone is, the resolution isn’t good enough to catch the hair on the legs.

    Wendy — ICM.

    Modigli — The Sprint Ambassador phone is true. I’m sure they appreciate the fact that the two times I’ve mentioned it, it’s in the context of talking to my genitals. But Sprint has a sense of humor, unlike Cingular. So, buy Sprint!! Actually, the phone is so cool, I can blog from it, that is if you don’t mind blogging on a teeny-tiny screen.

  15. You could play piano with those toes.

  16. I think it’s HNT (Half Nekkid Thursdays) and CBF (Cock Blogging Fridays). You’re premature, Neilochka.

  17. Sorry, Edgy, I think going back and forth between posts about the “Dutch Cartoons” and this one, got all me confused about the proper cockblogging dates.

  18. LOL. I don’t remember ever seeing an Ansel Adams photograph that included a penis. But then the Neil Kramer photograph doesn’t either. Those ARE some rather long toes there Neil.

    3T

  19. Size 7 shoe with a definite arch. Better try a pair of Bostonians.

  20. I’m rooting for Penis to win next time. But then, you knew that, didn’t you?

    Cute feet. Now aim higher….good boy….

  21. dancing with the stars???
    well, you did brighten my day!

  22. Jack, it’s actually size 11 shoes. And, why Bostonians? I mostly wear sneakers.

  23. Merrells. Best shoe ever made.

  24. Now that’s what I call a cocktease. ;]

  25. You finally played HNT 🙂 Now we just need to see your, umm….hands.

  26. Ahh, Neil. I do appreciate the “giving back” sentiment, but should let you know that in general, I’m not sure women think penises are really all that attractive (this changes when you are liking the guy who said penis is attached to).

    That said, nice long foot! And way to beat your penis into submission…er…

  27. Thank you, Sandra, for not objectifying me. I have a mind, too. I read GQ every month and I once did a book report on “Tom Sawyer.” I hate it when women just think of me as a pretty body.

  28. You could of just told us your weiner hung to the left and had five off shoots and was just THAT BIG. We would’ve believed it. I swear.

  29. I hear a muffled cacophony (no, not cock-o-phony, you pervert) of stifled voices who want to be included. Your scrotum, your spleen, your nose, and your now famous left big toe have very important things to say too, I’m sure.

  30. I assume this is a best of seven series, Neil.

  31. I’m so glad my cooch is mute.

  32. Let’s hear it for having a conversation with my penis in a blog and no one stopping me! Three cheers for the United States of America and freedom of speech!

    My Penis adds, “I support Denmark!”

  33. Now I know men talk to it often, but I’ve never heard of anyone carry on such a loooooong conversation and still lose!

    Great post!

  34. Wait, you call your penis, “Penis?” You don’t have a special name for it. Like “Neilus” or “Lil Neil”?

  35. Charming, that would just be immature. I’m way too sophisticated for such childness.

  36. Of course. And I’m the Queen of England. ;p

  37. When Carolyn gets in and asks what I was doing, “Oh you know the usual, reading about Neil talking with his penis!”

    Nice leg by the way, er, am I allowed to say that?

    Mik

  38. I don’t know Neil, those are some pretty sexy toes you got posted. 😉

  39. Nice feet…. what is your shoe size?? But many ppl told me its the size of the fingers that is related to Mr Penis.

    Show me your hands… I mean fingers and I’ll give you a free assessment…. FOC.

  40. Edgy Mama, I think it is actually Cockblogging Wednesday.

  41. Oh my God! I think this is seriously the funniest post I have ever come across!!

  42. Thanks, Missy. Wednesday does seem to be the official “cockblogging day.” Which is unfortunate, because it’s also the same night that I usually watch “Lost.”

  43. I just found this. I really – no REALLY – enjoy the idea of a post about a penis that manipulates its owner. I find so many posts that are the other way around, and we all know that just doesn’t happen so much in real life.

  44. Wow. You and your penis produce a lot of Drama. how does Sophia handle it all?

  45. Neil, it seems you stole your photo technique from Giles Bensimon, master of the controlled lens shake. But then that always happens for us amateurs that shoot with only one hand holding the camera *ahem*

    More blogs on Penis Wrangling, please

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