the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Call Me


Last week, I made fun of businesses that “pay” bloggers to talk about their products.    I became a hero to consumer advocates everywhere, a Ralph Nader of the blogosphere. 

That exact night, in a bizarre twist of fate, I received an email from Sprint.  In it, someone from Sprint wrote that after reading “Citizen of the Month,” they wanted to invite me to be part of the Sprint Ambassador Program.  As an “ambassador” for Sprint, I would receive a free phone with free calls, emailing, etc. for six months. 

The Sprint Ambassador Program is all about exploring our latest products and services and allows you to give direct feedback to Sprint. We recently launched the Sprint Power Vision (SM) Network and want to provide you with the full experience, at no charge. Sprint Power Vision Network enables customers to download data at faster speeds and experience new data products.

I wasn’t required to do anything, but I wasn’t discouraged about writing good things about Sprint on my blog.  At first, I thought this was some sort of Nigerian scam, but I Googled the program, and found out it was legit.

“Go for it,” said Sophia.  “Then give the free phone to me.”

“Why should I give it to you?  They want me to use it.”

“Neilochka, you still haven’t figured out how to use your current phone.”

She was right about my lack of interest in my current phone.  And what type of ambassador would I really be?  Would I have to keep on bugging my readers to switch from Cingular and T-Mobile?  I could imagine the post I would be writing in a month: 

Hey, blogger pals!  Have you seen Sprint‘s new phones lately?  SEXY!   And Sprint‘s sound quality?   I haven’t actually listened to it yet, but I know it is the best in the business.   You can hear a pin drop!   And I’m not just saying this in the hope that Sprint extends my use of a free phone to one year.  Of course not.  As a fellow blogger, I care about you.  That’s why I strongly advise all of you to go out RIGHT NOW and…

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted with a tapping sound.

“Uh, excuse me…”

I looked down and saw my penis tapping me on the right thigh.

“What is it, Penis?”

“I guess I should also come clean with your readers.”

“Jeez, Penis, I don’t think my readers want to hear the details about what happened while watching Cheryl Burke, Drew Lachey’s amazingly sexy dance partner, do the mambo on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars.”

“No, not that.  I also got an email from a company wanting to recruit me.  I’m now an official “Trojan Brand Evangelist.”

“What the hell is that?”

“I get to try out Trojan’s new “Super Ribbed for Her Pleasure” condoms for free.    Only a select group of A-list penises are asked to be evangelists.  Of course, there’s a little promise I made.   You’ll have to write about how good the condoms are on your blog.”

“Write about them?  I haven’t even used them!”

“But I did.”

“You did?  When?”

“While you were sleeping last night, I put one on myself.  And they are excellent.   Much more comfortable than those awful Japanese ones you bought last time.   And with the “Super Ribbing,” women are going to love getting fucked by you.”

“Penis, could you watch your mouth?   I have religious people reading this blog.”

“I’m trying to get you laid, you idiot!  Now shut up and listen to your big cock!”

“Well, you’re really not that big…”

“Shut up, moron!   It’s all about salesmanship!  You’re never going to get anywhere without selling yourself.  No matter whether its cell phones, condoms, blogs, or getting some pussy.”

“Penis.  I must insist you stop talking like that.  I pride myself on being a feminist.  I don’t think women should be objectified as sex objects.”

“Think about it, dumbass.  Why do you think you’re not getting laid?  Women like sex.  Don’t you read your own comments?  They even like getting spanked.  So stop asking Sophia, “Would you like to fool around?” in a meek little voice!   Carry her to the bed, go between her legs, and don’t come up until she’s screaming for yours truly, your cock, in Russian and Hebrew.” 

“That’s enough out of you… or I’m going to wash your mouth with soap.”

“Ooh, please do.  By the way, Neilochka, that was an interesting IM conversation you had with that female blogger last night.”

“It was completely innocent.  We talked about stat counters and blogging.”

“Oh, you wanted to blog her alright.  So did I.  Several times that night.”

“Penis, she’s married.”

“So?  Her husband never has to find out.  After all, soon you’re going to have an extra, untraceable Sprint cell phone to give her as a secret “fuck me” line.”

“A “fuck me” line?  Are you crazy?   I’m a Sprint Ambassador, not a pimp.  What would Sprint say?”

“They’d love it.  Think of their sales!  Think of the ad campaign:  “A new reason to get another Sprint phone.””

“Please, Penis.  It’s like you alway have just one thing on your mind.”

“Salesmanship. Neilochka!  Remember — it’s always Salesmanship!”


  1. helen

    LOL This is the best one this year!!

    Your penis is definitely a go-getter…. I heard this kind of mentality usually surfaces when there is deprivation in the big picture….

    Go Neil go…… either you feed him or take him to the shrink… lol

  2. Pearl

    Neil, do these posts come to you in a dream, or what!?
    Truly excellent.
    A religious friend

  3. schmutzie

    Your penis, he knows of what he speaks. He knows how to work it, too, getting his own action on the side and finagling the use of your cell phone while he’s at it.

  4. Wendy

    I agree – your penis is a fantastic blogger; it’s like your id – free, unfettered and totally uncensored…perfect! Now, as for that fantastic, fabulous, sexy Sprint phone….

  5. The Rich Gypsy

    Your penis can talk? (And with a good deal of business savvy too). Wow … how cool is that???

  6. brando

    i’m glad you encourage your penis to come clean, so to speak, but i promise you if you wash his mouth out with soap it will sting the everliving shit out of you.

  7. 3rdtimesacharm( 3T )

    ROFLMAO!!!(How DO you come up with these posts?)

    Listen to your penis Neil. He’s looking out for your best interest.

    Oh! and give Sophia the phone.


  8. cruisin-mom

    Neil…give your penis the phone and you take the condom. Let Sophia have access to both.

  9. trix

    I think you should listen to your penis, Neil. He seems very wise.

  10. Rabbit

    I say this with love and genuine concern . . . you need to get laid, Neil.

    (And you need to name your penis. “Penis” is just so . . . generic.)

  11. poshpeasant

    Sugar, you need to leave the house more often.

  12. amanda

    wait, is that all it takes? drew lachey’s sexy partner on dancing with the stars? wow, i wish i were a guy.

  13. Leesa

    I love it 🙂

  14. anne arkham

    How come you are on the C-list but your penis is on the A-list?

  15. Introspectre

    I think you should give your penis his own blog.

    I know he agrees with me.

  16. Tim

    In an amazing coincidence, last night I recieved an email about trying out a penis pump for the incredibly low price of $159.99.

  17. Armaedes

    Your penis is an asshole.

  18. Lauren

    Your penis is someone I would let ravish me anytime, anywhere (spankings included), but you Neil, well, I’d take you home to meet mama.

  19. bettyonthebeach

    Maybe you should take the sprint phone and give it to your penis. Penis can call all the 1-900 sex numbers and rack up an excrutiatingly high phone bill. Hell, it’s free and no one said how you should use the phone, right?

  20. Dating Dummy

    There goes the penis doing all that talking again… 🙂

  21. AWE

    Can you blog from the phone? If so give Sophia the Penis and the condom, then use the phone for up to the minute blogging.

  22. Neil

    Brando — uh, yeah, right. I knew that line didn’t work, but I didn’t figure someone would actually notice. But then again, I didn’t think about you…

    Amanda — She is the best thing about “Dancing With the Stars.” Yeah, men are easy.

    Rabbit, Posh — Then how would I have time to blog?

    Anne — Because my penis writes sexy posts. I write posts about rolling matzoh balls.

    Tim — Why do those penis pumps always sell for something like $159.99. Why can’t they just be honest and sell them for $160?

    Armaedes –I agree. And rude.

    Lauren — THE problem of my life. And mothers always like me, which always kills any passion between me and the woman. Maybe it’s time to just hit on the mothers. What is your Mom like, Lauren?

    Awe — You know, I probably could blog from the phone, although it would probably take three hours to enter in on that tiny keypad.

  23. Spirit Of Owl

    Don’t put the penis on hold. You can get cut off.

  24. Jaclyn

    I can get you a penis pump at cost…I work for a durable medical equipment company..

  25. LisaBinDaCity

    I cannot believe I am actually debating on how to respond to your penis…

  26. Student Nurse

    Bravo Neil. Why don’t you put the Sprint phone in the condom and you can have safe phone sex.

  27. Brooke

    Tell me more about your penis.

  28. Neil

    He’ll email you later himslf.

  29. better safe than sorry

    i think your penis should be your manager, he could get you all sorts of deals, give him the phone and let him get busy. you know you want to.

  30. Aviva

    sell out

  31. Neil

    Aviva, but it was a free phone! What could I do? And I’ll only use it for important calls, like calling 911 during emergencies. Think of the lives I could save.

  32. M


    I’m going to go pray for you now. Where can I find a church? Oh, screw it, maybe I’ll just drink to you.

  33. Megan

    Think of the lives I could save. Seriously Neil. That one comment right there made me snort. Hilarious.

    I think you might need to get laid even more desperately than I do. That comforts me, somehow.

    (And Lauren’s comment? Classic.)

  34. darlin nikki

    This definitely had nothing to do with Blondie! But now we have the promise of phone pictures-eeeexcelent!

  35. Neil

    Newsflash from Sophia: The phone was delivered!

  36. networkchic

    That penis of yours…has a mind of its own.

  37. Jill

    Dangit, Neil, every time I get behind in my blog-reading you write something astoundingly brilliant. Uh… not that your other posts are not… you know, awesome and all… uh, but on second thought, maybe you’d like me to get behind in my reading more often? And, I’d really like to hear more from your penis. He knows what he’s talking about.

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