Arts and Crafts Fair Poster Girl Villanovababy

Welcome to the first ever Blogger Holiday Online Arts and Crafts Fair. 

This is your opportunity to be introduced to the artistic work of some of your favorite bloggers.  It’s the holiday season… the time for gift-giving.  Why not give a unique and handmade gift to your loved ones and friends this year — and support a fellow blogger at the same time?  I think you’ll find a varied group of artists, photograhers, and crafty folk represented here on this page.

Feel free to browse, both here and on the participants’ shopping pages.  You don’t have to buy.  Just enjoy looking at the work of those who are more talented than you, artistic geniuses who make you feel like an uncreative loser.  Ha Ha, of course that is a joke.  You don’t feel bad at all.  They’re ARTISTS.  Chances are that you drive a much nicer car. You get the last laugh!  Thank god for business school!

Of course no arts and craft fair would be complete without some food and entertainment.  Please nosh on our delicious homemade bagels, courtesy of Deb from Smitten Kitchen and Ari from Baking and Books. 

The Battle of the Homemade Bagels –

Deb’s Homemade Bagels

Ari’s Homemade Bagels

Sure, they’re only virtual bagels, but they’re COMPLIMENTARY.  That means they are free!  Woo-hoo! 

There are also two concert areas on the fairgrounds, keeping you entertained as you shop. On STAGE ONE, rock out with British indie band Arctic Monkeys, as they stop by the arts and crafts fair during their west coast tour.  On STAGE TWO, our more intimate staging area, we are proud to present one of America’s finest songwriters, Mr. James Taylor.

I hope you enjoy the Arts and Crafts Fair.  The doors are now open!

Gemstone necklaces from Gillian   
(blog — Tiddleywinks)

Photography from Lisa Duvall
(blog — Fat Chick Running)

Artwork by Kyra
(blog — Shaping My Way)

Photography by Schmutzie
(blog — Milk Money or Not)

Gift Tags by SAJ
(blog — Secret Agent Josephine)

Photography by Leesa
(blog — Piece of My Mind)

Artwork by Angie
(blog — Evangelinethan)

Photography by Susannah
(blog — Ink on my Fingers)

CONCERT STAGE ONE - Arctic Monkeys

Work by Liz Elayne
(blog — Be Present, Be Here)

Photography by Mary
(blog — Maliavale)

T-shirt by Dave
(blog — Blogography)

Jewelry by Sara
(blog — Moving Right Along)

Photography by Stacy
(blog — Jurgen Nation)

Gumball the Kitten Magnets by Bethany
(blog — Bethany Actually)

Artwork by Ellen Bloom
(blog — Los Angeles is my Beat)

Photography by Heather
(blog — Nabbalicious)

CONCERT STAGE TWO - James Taylor

Purse by Abigail
(blog — Abigail’s Road to Nowhere)

Photography by 180/360
(blog — 180/360)

Custom Made Felt Pins by Ms. Sizzle
($5 plus shipping - email her at sizzlesays at gmail dot com)
(blog — Sizzle Says)

Photography by Sarah
(blog — Sad and Beautiful)

Baby/Toddler Clothes by Sarah
(blog — Susu g)

Photography by Di Mackey
(blog — Woman Wandering)

Fiber Quilts by Caron
(blogs — All and Nothing, And Still Counting)

Painting by Stacy Elaine
(blog — Pudgy Pigeon Enterprises)

Handmade Hats and Aprons by Leahpeah
(blog — Leahpeah)

Artwork by AscenderRises
(blog — Ascender Rises Above)

Photography by Aimee
(blog — Greeblemonkey)

Art Journal by V-Grrrl
(email her at veronica at v-grrrl dot com for prices)
(blog — V-grrrl in the Middle)

Baby Clothes by Jen Lemen
(blog — Jen Lemen)

Purses by Jaynette

And for those who would rather donate money as a gift, how about getting a cow or a water buffalo for a needy family via The Heifer Project? (thanks Not Fainthearted!)

Thank you for telling me that I should use a better photo for selling myself on that blogger auction.   I love to hear the truth.   I should learn to be as honest as you guys. 

Ellen of LA is My Beat was the first –

Yikes, Neil! THAT photo does NOT do you justice. You are so much more attractive than THAT PHOTO! You’ve pushed up your cheeks, so they look jowly, the light is that greenish-yellow fluorescent icky color, bleah. My husband, Mr. Larry, is a professional photographer and the one thing I’ve learned in our 15 years of marriage is how to pose for photos!!! PULEEZE, take a photo in outdoor light where you’re not squinting into the sun. Relax, smile, make sure the camera is slightly higher than your face (this eliminates any double chin action). If you need to “photoshop” anything, just add a little brightness. The bright lights eliminate any wrinkles or shadows on your face. Have you noticed how great Barbara Walters looks in-studio vs. in a street photo? Lighting is everything!!! Good luck!

Laurie of Crazy Aunt Purl also had some good advice –

Ellen has the TRUTH, my friend. I always have someone stand on a chair to photograph me.

Tonight, I dragged Sophia out of her sick bed to take some photos of me, using some of the special techniques I learned from you today.  I told Sophia that Ellen and Laurie were very bright people, and Sophia stood on a chair and responded, “Anything to make your female readers happy, Neilochka.”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Just a Little Trim

Tags: photography, portraits

IM Message One (Neil and Sophia)

Sophia:  (in Los Angeles)  How’s the weather?

Neil:  Tonight it is freezing.

Sophia:  What are you wearing?

Neil:  My leather coat.

Sophia: Don’t wear that.  It’s too cold for a leather jacket.  Wear that other coat.

Neil:  The old one?

Sophia: Yes.

Neil:  It think it may be too short on me now.  Let me see.  Later.

IM Message Two (Neil and Sophia)

Neil:  I took a photo of the me in the coat.  I’m sending it to you.  How does it look?

Sophia:  I can hardly see anything.  Everything looks orange and dark.  Can’t you photoshop it?

Neil:  It will be faster for me to take another photo.  Be back.

IM Message Three (Neil and Sophia)

Neil:  I’m sending another photo.  This one is special for you.

Sophia:  Ha Ha.  That’s cute!

Neil:  I used Photoshop and combined two photos — a naked one and one with the overcoat!  I stood in the exact same spot for both.

Sophia: What color is the coat?

Neil:  Grey.

Sophia:  It looks orange in the photo.

Neil:  It is the bad lighting.  I tried to fix it in Photoshop, but it just washes everything out.

Sophia:  It looks like your mother’s coat. 

Neil:  It is not my mother’s coat. 

Sophia: What man wears an orange coat… other than a pimp?

Neil:  Do you like the photo?

Sophia:  It’s funny. You should post it on the blog.

Neil:  Are you serious?

Sophia:  Yeah, why not.  You can’t see anything.

Neil:  I’ll think about it.  I don’t have anything for tomorrow anyway. 

IM Message Four (Neil and Charming but Single)

Neil:  Hey, C!  What’s up?

Charming:  Not much.  Work really sucked today.

Neil:  Why?

Charming:  Because my boss…

(Fifteen minutes later — Why do women remember every little detail of their work day while men just answer, “Nothing”?)

Neil:  Can I ask you a favor?  I want to send you a photo.  Tell me if you think it is OK to post.

Charming:  Sure.

Neil:  It is a little risque.

Charming:  You’re not sending me a photo of your penis, are you?

Neil:  Why would I send you a photo of my penis?

Charming:  You write about your penis.  

Neil:  I write about my penis.  I don’t take photos of my penis.

Charming:  Well, some men do.

Neil:  You have men sending you photos of their penises?

Charming:  Some guy from match.com just sent me one last week.

Neil:  Why would he send you a photo of his penis?  What are you going to do with it?  Put the photo on your fridge?

Charming:  I have no idea. 

Neil:  Believe me, I’m never going to send you a photo of my penis.  Expecially when it is so cold.

Charming:  You are an enlightened man.  Please tell other men that sending a photo of your penis to someone you just meet on Match.com does not make you good dating material.

Neil:  If you are going to send a woman something, it should be a photo of your bank account.

Charming:  I just want a nice, normal guy. 

Neil:  I will pass the info on to the blogosphere.

(note:  C is available and very charming.  Men, I perfectly understand your love of your own penis.  But please do not send any photos to a woman you are interested in.  Let it be a mystery until the day of the big unveiling.  Would you want her to send YOU an unrequested naked photo of herself? [uh, note -- edit out that last sentence later])

Neil:  Well, C, here’s my picture?

Charming:  Oooh, cute! 

Neil:  Cute?  It is supposed to be a little risque, not cute. 

Charming:   I find it cute.  I like your little hat.

Neil:  Can I post this on the blog?

Charming:  Yes.  Hot!

Neil:  Do you like the coat?

Charming:  Is it your mother’s?

Neil:  It is NOT my mother’s!

Charming:  It’s orange.

Neil:  It’s gray.

Charming:  So, is this what you are doing in New York?  Taking naked photos of yourself?

Neil:  Just one photo.  To show how cold it is… in an artistic way.

Charming:  Yeah, right.

Neil:  Do you have any “artistic” photos of yourself you want to run by me?

Charming:  No. 

Neil:  OK, so thanks.  Let me post it.

Charming:  Wait, wait, wait… I haven’t finished telling you about my boss today. 

Neil:  Oh, yes… go on…

Charming:  So, we’re at this conference, and I’m giving this presentation… and remember, I was working on this all weekend… and… my boss…

(As she told me about her day, I thought about the title of my first best-selling self-help book on male-female Venus-Mars relationships:  Women Like to Chat, Men Like to Photograph Their Penis)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Neilochka Leaves His Apartment

Bright yellow, red, and orange,
The leaves come down in hosts;
The trees are Indian princes,
But soon they’ll turn to ghosts.

– William Allingham (1824-1889), Irish poet

Green how I want you green.
Green wind. Green branches.

– Federico García Lorca (1898-1936), Spanish poet, playwright

her swung breasts
Sway like full-blown yellow
Gloire de Dijon roses.

– D.H. Lawrence (1885-1930), British poet and author

the great orange bed where we lie
like two frozen paintings in a field of poppies.

– Anne Sexton (1928-1974), American poet and writer

Swinging
clusters of red, the hedges are full of them,
red-currant red, a graceful
ornament or a merry smile.

– Denise Levertov (b. 1923), Anglo-American poet

Thanks for bringing a little Fall to Southern California.

The photographers are:

GREEN

Pam, Austria

Sweet, Washington D.C.

Boutros, Virginia

Dagny, Berkeley

Rhea, Boston

YELLOW

Dana, Connecticut

Tara, Iowa City

Joan, Winnipeg

Caitlin, New York

ORANGE

Jessica, St. Louis

Jenny, Chicago

Alison, Kentucky

Chantel, Portland

Sarah, Pennsylvania

Elizabeth, New Hampshire

RED

Cynical Girl, New York

Elisabeth, Pennsylvania

Pearl, Ottawa

Marianne, Massachusetts

I fasted today, but I didn’t go to temple for Yom Kippur.  I just didn’t feel like going.  On Yom Kippur, there is an important memorial service, and it would have been the first time going to the service for my father, and I just didn’t want to do it.  So, instead, I just broke all the rules.  I went to CVS pharmacy, bought myself a $3.99 disposable camera and walked to Hermosa Beach.  It felt very spiritual walking around the beach looking for photos to take.  Or then again, it could have just been hunger.

If you have any interest, you can see the photos here.  One warning:  the photos are not THAT interesting, and I’m not in any of them, so don’t get too pissed at making you do an extra click of the mouse for nothing.   If you’re never been this this part of the country, maybe you can get a sense of the “sleepy” beach community I’m living in right now. 

I’ve grown to like Southern California, but I find October depressing in the dry West.  I love FALL.  I love what it represents — a new beginning.  I think the time of the Jewish New Year makes a lot more sense than January 1st.   I love the change of the weather and the leaves and the new school year and the new TV season, and everything new that goes with Fall.  As I was taking my walk today, I realized that today’s weather in Los Angeles was not that much different than it was on July 4th!  Where’s the change? 

Most of my blogging friends do NOT live in California.  I know you sometimes laugh at us for being weird and electing actors to be governor, uh – TWICE.   But try to remember that the State of California has enhanced your life in many ways:  the birth of the internet, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, California Pizza Kitchen, and the word “gnarly.” 

Now it is your turn to pay us back –

Could someone help a Southern Californian who is homesick for Fall and email him a photo of a leaf or tree changing colors?

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Man in the Mirror

I’ve never been much of a photographer. I honestly think the problem is one of assertiveness. Taking photos of the world around you requires some chutzpah, some “balls.” To take a photo of a stranger, or even a tree requires you to step into the space of someone or something, and “take” an image for yourself. Even the the concept of “shooting” a photo sounds aggressive. This is the same type of anxiety that prevents me from kissing a woman on a first date. It just seems too forward.

Susan Sontag, in her famous book On Photography, wrote “To photograph people is to violate them… It turns people into objects that can be symbolically possessed… Essentially the camera makes everyone a tourist in other people’s reality, and eventually in one’s own.”

For most of my life, I have left the photography for others. My place was always sitting in the corner with a pad and pen. Now I say, “Phooey!” It is time for a change.

Yesterday, I opened up a Flickr account.

Can you believe that I’ve been blogging for over a year and have never investigated your Flickr pages? What fun. I’ve been stalking you all day. There you are! Photos of you. With your friends. With your family. Half-naked. What a treat to see you outside of your blogging lives.

I’ve already added a few of you as “contacts.” Don’t feel obligated to make me your contact. There is nothing of interest on my site as of yet. I don’t even own a digital camera. Can anyone suggest one in the $200 range? I took Alison’s suggestion and tested a few models for the “feel” of the camera. I definitely like the bulkier ones with the grip.

One camera that clearly struck my imagination was the HP Photosmart R967.

This model is one of their new models that contains a “slimming feature” (via Big Fat Blog). After taking photo, you can use a slider on the camera to “instantly trim of pounds from the subjects in your photos!”

Call me old-fashioned, but I always thought the aim of personal photography was to “capture” reality. I even remember learning in art history classes in college that Impressionism and Expressionism were direct reactions to the way photography could better show the real world than a painting. Don’t we expect a photo to somehow reflect reality? Isn’t it going to be weird showing the photos of your size-8 body when you’re standing there holding the photos in your size-14 body? Do you really want people to say to you, “You look wonderful in that photo even though I know it is mostly the camera’s slimming effect and in reality you are twenty-five pounds more! Is this the ultimate solution for our obesity problem — showing photos to each other of us looking thin and making believe it is “reality?” I can understand putting an old photo of yourself on Match.com, since no one really knows you there, but who are you going to be fooling with your slimmer personal photos? Your co-workers? Your mother? Yourself?

And what type of message are we giving our already anorexic-obsessed teenagers?

But who I am to stop modern technology and human vanity? Who doesn’t want to look better on film? I’d be a hypocrite to speak against photographic manipulation. Remember the time I “whitened my teeth” in Photoshop for my profile pic (see sidebar photo)? What’s wrong with wanting to look how you want to look?

With this new attitude, I went over to Circuit City to explore some of the other cameras with new features like that of the HP Photosmart R967. It was an eye-opening experience.

I was greatly impressed with the Canon PowerShot B900 and it’s brand new “colorizing” feature.

I’ve always thought that black people were much “cooler” than white people. I think that’s why so many white suburban kids love rap and “inner city” fashion. Wouldn’t it be great to show how “cool” you were to your friends — at least on film?

Here I am this morning. Pretty dull, huh?

Here I am after using the “colorizing” filter!

And it’s so easy!

The Nikon Coolpix N7 is perfect for the struggling Mommyblogger or Daddyblogger family.

Don’t you hate it when all you can afford is a cheap vacation to Legoland when your neighbors are taking the whole family to some resort in Maui? With just one click of Canon’s GWC (Great Wall of China) switch, impress your friends and neighbors.

Go from boring Legoland –

– to a family adventures in the mysterious Orient, right in the camera!

Finally, many of use our digital cameras for more personal pursuits. On Friday night, I was feeling a little alone, so I decided to email Charming But Single some photos I took of myself that I thought might “arouse” her interest. For some reason, I never heard back from her and she deleted me from her blogroll. But things would have been different if I had owned the exciting new Olympus SE-490.

This new Olympus contains the trademarked Expando-filter. It is absolutely brilliant. Now you can make any object larger with the click of a button.

Look at this photograph I took on one of my vacations. Nice, but not very impressive.

1-2-3 and presto!

With the Olympus, Friday night might have turned out very differently.

Ansel Adams, eat your heart out!

(tonight and tomorrow is Yom Kippur. If you celebrate the holiday, have an easy fast. My Yom Kippur post from last year is here).

Tonight I asked Sophia if she wanted me to come to New York for a visit. She said… uh, no. I would be too much of a distraction. They’re already shooting the film and she’s insanely busy.

She’s probably right. I am a distracting person. I’m very needy. I’m lonely and miserable. But I just want what everyone wants — someone to share a bed with.

But wait. I completely forgot — I have YOU, my dear blog reader.

Will you share YOUR bed with me?

That’s right. You can share your bed with me by emailing me a photo of YOUR BED. I will post it later in the week.

Here is an example — the bed of the generous Two Roads at Lindbergh’s Crossing:

If enough people share their beds with me, I think I will be sufficiently satisfied until Sophia’s return.

Men, I don’t mind if you share your bed with me, also — but we’re just going to spoon, OK? (it also might be a good way for the chicks to check out your bedroom, if you get my drift — so make the bed first)

Update, Monday morning, after reading the comments: You women are so picky about what your “Neilochka” must look like, I might just hang out in the guys’ beds. They’ll sleep with anyone.

Update: Both Rhea and DaveG pointed me to a New York Times article today titled, “People Who Share a Bed, and the Things They Say About It,” which only goes to show that bed-sharing is the hippest thing in town!

A Year Ago in Citizen of the Month: When I’m Sixty-Four

This morning, I had a pleasant surprise.  Sophia sends me a photo of herself at work, taken with her cellphone.  I called her a half hour later, telling her I have a surprise for her in return.

Neil:  “Sofotchka, cute photo!  I made a post out of it for the blog.  Check it out.   It’s in draft.”

Sophia goes into my “manage” area of Wordpress to look at the post.  It looks something like this:

Thursday Morning, 8AM,  Los Angeles –

Thursday Morning, 8AM, New York –

Sophia:  “Uh, I don’t get it.”

Neil:  “It’s supposed to be romantic.  It’s like we’re 3000 miles apart, but I’m still dreaming about you in bed.”

Sophia:  “Huh?  You’re really losing it.  No one is going to get that.”

Neil:  “No?’

Sophia:  “What it actually looks more like is, “Look here.  Sophia is awake and is already hard at work as a Russian Dialect Coach early in the morning while I’m still in bed lying around.”"

Neil:  “Why would I write a post like that?”

Sophia:  “I have no idea.   That’s why I was confused.”

Neil:  “It’s supposed to be romantic.”

Sophia:  “Well, thank you.  But how old is that photo of you?  It doesn’t even look like you.”

Neil:  “A few years.”

Sophia:  “A few years?  At least five or six.  You don’t have one white hair on your head.  Are you trying to fool your readers?”

Neil:  “No, I just needed a photo of me sleeping.  I’m supposed to be dreaming about you, remember?!”

Sophia:  “I remember this photo.  This is like SEVEN years ago.  I took it while you were sleeping… of your tush.  You’re obsessed with this naked thing!  What is this — a porno blog now?”

Neil:  “It’s supposed to be romantic!”

Sophia:  “Email me this photo.  I forgot all about it.”

Neil:  “No.”

Sophia:  “Now you’re shy?”

Neil:  “I don’t feel romantic anymore.”

Sophia:  “Aw, come on.   You flirt with every girl on the blogosphere, but won’t send your own (separated) wife a  photo of your tush.”

Neil:  “OK, here…”

I email the photo to Sophia.  She starts laughing.

Neil:  “What’s so funny?”

Sophia:  “Forget about your gray hairs.  Your ass doesn’t look like that anymore, either!”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Neilochka vs. Nicole

Boy, yesterday was fun!  I’m overwhelmed with how special you all are. 

And now a special treat.  Grab your backstage pass and see what REALLY happened during my preparations for the festivities. 

Wednesday, 8PM - I decide it is time to take my Blog Appreciation Day photos.

8:15PM — My digital camera doesn’t work.  I go to Rite-Aid to buy some new batteries.

9:00PM — The digital camera does not NEED new batteries.  The digital camera is broken.

9:30PM — I decide to use my camera phone, but all I can see in the viewfinder are scan lines on the monitor.

10:20PM — I move Sophia’s computer system downstairs where there is less “interference” on the monitor and fewer scan lines.  Why?  I have no idea!

11:00PM — I set up my “photography studio” in the dining room.  The area is dark, so I move a halogen lamp in, tilting it to the side so that it becomes the “scene’s” main light source.

11:20PM — The halogen lamp gives off a weird yellow glow.

11:30PM — I place an LA Times in front of the monitor,  but the camera can’t make it out.  It just looks like a white piece of glare.  I decide on a stronger visual gimmick — a pair of “California” undies hanging over the monitor.  

Midnight –  I go to Rite-Aid to buy string and some clothes pins.

Thursday, 1:00AM –I spent an hour hanging the string from the lighting fixture and pinning the underwear so it falls directly over the monitor.  I almost pull the lighting fixture off the ceiling.  I promise to never tell Sophia about that.

1:30 AM — Even though the underwear is now hanging over the moniter, it is still difficult to read the “California” written on the underwear because the fabric creases up. 

2:00AM — I come up with a brilliant solution.  I place the camera batteries in the crotch area, giving the underwear some weight, pulling the underwear down, and making the “California” easier to read.

2:40AM — I take some photos.  Things are going great until I realize that the batteries in the crotch area make the “California” underwear look like they have a hard-on.  I take the batteries out of the crotch, delete the photos,  and start all over again.

3:00AM — Sophia calls up.  She yells at me for using her underwear, saying they are old and everyone will think she has a big ass.  I promise not to use the underwear in the shoot, but I am lying.

4:00AM – Sophia also explains to me why my photos are coming out so dark.  The “brightness level” of the camera phone is on -15.  I start all over again.

5:00AM — I finish taking my blog appreciation day photos.  But I still need a cable to transfer the photos to the computer – and it is back at my other apartment.  Doh!  And the clock is ticking.  Soon, everyone on the East Coast will be up and going online!

5:30AM — I rush over to my apartment on the other side of town.  I transfer the photos.  All the photos have an ugly green tint.  I open each photo in Photoshop to work my mediocre filter magic.

7:00AM — I quickly email the photos, praying that I’m not sending the wrong photo to the wrong person.

8:00AM - I return to Redondo Beach. I take the monitor off the kitchen table and fall asleep right at the table.

9:00AM — I am startled awake.  The “California” underwear has fallen off the clothes pins and right onto my head.

But it was all worth it!  Every second of it.

Thanks for a great Blog Appreciation Day!

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  I Married a Republican!

Today, I finally played around with the free phone I got for being a Sprint Ambassador.  It’s a cool phone with a lot of options:  the ability to go online, to download music, and to watch TV.  It also has a decent camera.  I was going to take some photos, but I couldn’t figure out what to photograph.  I was going to put the phone away when I heard my Penis talking to me from inside my pants.

"Hey, I have an idea.  Let’s do some cockblogging."

"Huh?"

"You know, all those websites that women have where men send photos in of their erections.  Let’s take a photo of me."

"And why on Earth would I want to do that?"

"Answer me this.  Have you ever looked at a photo of a naked woman online?"

"Uh,  sometimes."

"Think of this as giving something back to the community."

"I don’t think so.  I don’t enjoy the idea of plastering an image of my penis all over the blogosphere.  Especially since I’m supposedly looking for a job." 

"It might actually HELP you get a better job.  Employers like workers with initiative."

"I don’t really really feel comfortable with this."

"You say you’re a believer in feminism and women’s equality, but when women want to express their sexuality by looking at erect penises, you mock them."

"I’m not mocking them."

"Why don’t you just put them behind Burqas?  Move them all to Saudi Arabia, you hypocrite."

"Penis, you’re really being manipulative with this argument."

"As they say, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem."

"You’re totally out of line, Penis…"

"C’mon… do it for the women.  The lonely women.  The ones who will be home on Valentine’s Day without a boyfriend and all they have is your erect penis on the computer monitor.  Be a mensch."

I started thinking about all my lonely Valentine’s Days, when the only one who sent me a card was my mother.

"Do you really think it will help brighten someone’s day?"

"Sure… sure…   and isn’t that what you’re all about…"

"I do like to make other people happy…"

"Then it’s settled…"

"OK, let’s try it and see what happens. "

"Great, let’s get to work!"

"What’s the first step?"

"Do you still have that "Dancing with the Stars" on the Tivo?  The one with the very sexy dancer named Cheryl doing the rumba in that short skirt?"

"I think so."

Four minutes later we were ready for the photo shoot. 

We moved to the bedroom, where I attempted to frame the perfect shot.  I checked the light with an old light meter I had used in film school.

"Penis, could you just move over a little to the left… that’s it… good…good… Brilliant lighting.  It reminds me a little bit of the opening shot in "Rear Window""

"You do realize you’re setting things up to take the shot from the left side.  When I’m actually more photogenic on my right side. 

"Well, I have to do it this way if I want the mirror in the shot.  There supposed to be a reflection.  Did you ever see Bergman’s "Wild Strawberries?""

"Are you an asshole?  I’m the one who’s going to be in the photo and I’m telling you that my right side is better!"

"Does it really matter which side I shoot you from?"

"Would you ask that of  Barbra Streisand?  On talk shows, they rearrange the furniture just for her. She even comes with her own special lighting equipment."

"For a man’s dick, you’re a real prima donna."

"I think you’re a little jealous that I’m the star here, and you’re just the crew.  Below-the-line, as they say in Hollywood."

"I’m the photographer, jerk.  Like Ansel Adams, they remember the photographer, not the subject."

"Oh yeah, so tell me, what were you thinking of naming this photograph?"

"How about something like… "Neil and his Cock?"

"You slimy backstabber.  I knew it!  It clearly should be named "The Cock and his Neil.""

"You’re my cock.  Why should you get top billing?"

"Oh, I see.  Now you want top billing?  Before you didn’t even want anyone to do this.  Now all of a sudden, you see the fame and fortune.   Very "All about Eve" of you.   I do the work and you take the money.  Welcome to the entertainment industry."

"Listen, Penis, I don’t care what you say.  I’m not going to put my own name after my own cock."

"Oh, Big Neilochka.  Now I see the real you.  You say you’re a nice guy, but you’re really a creep.  You want to play hard ball…"

"Calm down, Penis."

"Who are you to tell me what to do?  I run things around here."

"Actually you don’t.  I do."

"Bullshit!"

"You know, forget it.  This photo shoot is off!"

"Fuck you, Neilochka!"

"OK, Penis, go back to normal."

"Ha Ha.  Sucker!  I’m staying up as long as I want.  Hard as a rock."

"Go down, I insist."

"Fuck you.  Fuck you.  Fuck you."

"Look, if you’re not going to go down yourself, I can just –"

"Get your goddamn hand off me.  How rude.  You don’t touch me unless I agree to it.  Sometimes no means no."

"OK, I’m sorry.  May I, please…?"

"No."

"OK, fine.  Then I’m going to take a cold shower.  That should work."

‘No, it won’t.  Not if I don’t say so."

"Oh, yes it will."

"Ten bucks."

"You’re on!"  

As I headed to the shower, I could hear –

"Scarlett Johannson’s gorgeous ripe, delicious tits.  Imagine them in your face.  Sharon Stone slowly opening her thighs revealing the good stuff in Basic Instinct.  She’s calling you over.  "Neilochka, Neilochka, fuck me, fuck me.  Sophia in Madrid during the honeymoon, slowly taking off her clothes."

"OK, shut up!  Shut up!"

I reached over for the telephone and dialed it.  Sophia answered.

"Hello?"

"Sophia, it’s me.  I need you to come over right away."

"I’m watching last week’s Celebrity Poker Showdown."

"It’s an emergency."

"What’s the matter?"

"It’s, uh, my cock… I need you to…"

"Gee, how romantic.  Good-bye."

Click.  She hung up.

"OK, I give up."

"Say "Uncle" and I’ll give up."

"I’m not saying "Uncle" to my dick."

"Cry Uncle, Neilochka!"

"OK.  OK.  Uncle."

"Good, but first — let’s go back to the shoot."

"Fine."

"Ha Ha.  The Penis always wins."

But I didn’t say I was going to take a GOOD SHOT. 

Who’s the sucker now, Penis?!   You are!!   Loser!  

Man 1    Penis 0