I spent over an hour on Twitter this morning, wishing various bloggers a Happy Birthday.Â I’m only writing about this minor life experience because I think by exploring it with you, I will give you some insights into how my brain works, and why I should return to therapy or at least quit Twitter.
Today is the birthday of Schmutzie, a blogger from SK, Canada.Â I have known her online for five years.Â I wrote a sentimental tweet to her today about how I cried from joy the first time I met her in person at BlogHer.Â A little corny, but heart-felt.
Then I worried that it was a little too personal to be writing this in public.Â But it was too late.
Today is the birthday of The Bloggess, a blogger from Texas.Â She is one of the most popular humor bloggers online.Â Hundreds of people were wishing her happy birthday on Twitter.Â I didn’t want to get my message getting lost in the crowd, so I DM-ed her a “Happy Birthday, Jenny!”
Then I worried that sending her a DM rather than a public happy birthday was a little too personal.Â But it was too late.
Today is the birthday of Magpie Musing, a blogger from New York.Â I recently saw her at a party in New York and she is really cool.Â I had already wished her a happy birthday on Facebook, so I didn’t think it was necessary to wish her a happy birthday again on Twitter.Â But then I figured she would surely see my glowing birthday tweet of love for Schmutzie, and she would end up hating me for the rest of my life.Â So I wrote a “Happy Birthday, Maggie” to her.
Then I worried that I was sending her too many Happy Birthday messages, and she might be wondering if I am hitting on her, or worse — stalking her.
Today is the birthday of Mimi Smartypants.Â We are not friends and we don’t follow each other on Twitter.Â But I have read her blog a few times, and she is a great writer, and always wanted for her to follow ME on Twitter.Â So, I crassly sent her a birthday message on Twitter for the sole reason of her noticing me, and then hopefully saying to herself, “Who is this kind gentleman sending me this happy birthday message?Â I must immediately go read his blog and comment on it, and then follow him on Twitter, because he is wonderful.”
Then I worried that I looked like a kiss-ass by sending her that Tweet.
After I send all these messages, I wanted to make sure that everyone felt the love equally, so I wrote another tweet wishing all of them a Happy Birthday by name, and then including a few celebrity birthdays as a humorous afternote (“also happy birthday to Mary Tyler Moore, Jon Voight, and Jude Law!”), which I found on some online “Who was born today?” site.
I immediately received a tweet from Magpie Musing, a woman of culture, that read “And don’t forget Pablo Casals!”
I was glad to see that my Happy Birthday tweet worked, and she didn’t hate me.Â I decided it was safe to return to my sarcastic Twitter wit, and I replied —
“I think you just alienated half of Twitter with that reference.”
She returned with a rather serious reply, and a link to Pablo Casals on Wikipedia.
“Pablo Casals is a great cellist born in 1876.”
Now, I know who Pablo Casals was.Â My tweet was a joke insinuating that most of the idiots on Twitter wouldn’t know Pablo Casals from Pablo Picasso.Â Â The joke was mocking them and the highbrow reference.Â And now everyone who followed Magpie Musing on Twitter was going to be under the impression that I was an ingnoramus who didn’t know Pablo Casals!Â Hey, I watch PBS, too!
I quickly started typing a retraction —
“I do know who Pablo Casals is, maybe not as well as Mary Tyler Moore, but…”
Then I worried this tweet would make me look insecure.Â Besides, nobody would believe that I knew who Pablo Casals was anyway.
I closed down my Twitter app and took a twenty minute nap.Â I wasted my entire morning because of you.
F**k you, every single person who has a birthday today!