the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

How Social Media is Ruining My Plans

For four years, I have been writing jokes about BlogHer, fantasizing about my dream to go to the conference and finally use my blogging popularity for some legitimate purpose — getting some hot action from some starry-eyed female fan.  For twelve months a year, I work hard on my writing, and I deserve to be compensated somehow. Unfortunately, every year something happens that screws up my chance to attend the conference.  Last year, was an infamous case involving a free ticket from JCPenney/Dockers which went sour.

This year, I have a ticket to BlogHer.  I have a new haircut.  I have bought new shoes.  I have flirted with all sorts of attractive women online.  I have made lists of women in my google reader categorized by DEFINITELY WILL DO ME, POSSIBLY WILL DO ME, and DO NOT READ OR COMMENT.  Today, I was goofing around on Twitter, trying to ease some of the excitment building inside of me with only a month left to go, when I came face to face with the enemy. And it was Twitter itself, Facebook — social media in general.

Let me explain.  Pundits and marketers are wild over social media. President Obama was able to rally large groups of supporters by using social media.   A movie on YouTube can get a million hits within days.  When a tragedy hits, online citizens worldwide can come together in support and organization.

But do we really want information spread so quickly ALL THE TIME?  Do we want our lives to go viral, even the bad things?  The very thought of being in the middle of 1000 gossipy female bloggers has given me pause over my plans of “getting it on” with some hot babe in her hotel room.

For years, I have been writing about my amazing sexual prowess, I have written about giving women orgasms by merely looking their way.  In post after post, I give oral sex for three hours straight and entertain woman with a penis that sings, dances, and tells borscht belt Yiddish jokes.

The truth is, I have been with one woman, Sophia, for over a decade, and even that has had its ups and downs in the bedroom.  If opportunity would arise, it might take a few tries before I get back into the groove, much like the Tin Man needs Dorothy to squirt some oil onto his joints before he could tap dance again.

But now I worry more about my reputation than actually getting laid.  If I did get lucky, and I wasn’t very good, how long would it take before this information would spread across the blogosphere?  Can you imagine how this would hurt my street cred?

“Hey, isn’t that Neilochka, the blogger/premature ejaculator?”

Let’s do a little social media experiment here. 

Ms. Sizzle and V-grrrl are long time blogging friends of mine who don’t read each other’s blogs.  As a trial run for BlogHer, I want to see how long it will take for news about my performance in the sack to go from blogger to blogger, from Ms. Sizzle to V-grrrl.

Remember, just to be scientific about this — Ms. Sizzle is attending BlogHer in Chicago.  V-grrrl is not.  Ms. Sizzle lives in Seattle.  V-grrl lives in Virginia.  They do not know each other.

Here is the scenario.  It is July, 2009.  Chicago.  BlogHer.  Ms. Sizzle and I are at a party Saturday night, both of us drinking too much.  I “accidentally” spill some wine on her skirt, and then accompany her to her hotel room to “change” while her roommates are downstairs.  I compliment her beautiful glasses, and before we know it, we are in bed together, throwing the Harry met Sally “friends shouldn’t do this” rule to the wind.

Three seconds later, it is over.

“Oops, sorry it was so quick,” I say, sheepishly.  “It must be the jetlag — you know, being in a different time zone.”

“Sure, sure, I understand,” she says with a warm smile, lying through her teeth, like most women do. “It was great.  You were wonderful!”

“Really?” I say, my ego stoked.  “I knew it!  I really know how to please a woman sexually!  I tell myself that all the time.”

I look down at my penis.

“You hear that buddy?!  We rawk!”

“Excuse me,” she says politely, as she heads for the bathroom.

Once in the bathroom, Ms. Sizzle, quickly takes out her blackberry out from inside her pocketbook and sends a text message to Kris from Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino, who is her roommate in the hotel.  She is partying downstairs.

MsSizzle:  I just slept with Neilochka!

theWino:  Oh my god!  How was it?

MsSizzle:  Awful.  They’re gonna have to change Superman’s motto from “faster than a shooting bullet to Neilochka f**king style!”  It’s taking me longer to write this text message than for him to finish.

theWino:  Holy shit!  Who knew?  I always fancied him a total stud.

MsSizzle:  I know.  Me too!  But he’s still a friend.  So, please don’t tell anyone downstairs or Twitter about this to anyone or put this on Facebook or IM with anyone about it.  OK?

theWino:  Of course not.  I’m a woman.  Women don’t gossip!

OK, now here is the experimental part —

Remember the game, “Telephone?”

Who would theWino immediately tell about Ms. Sizzle and me, and how many degrees of separation would it be before V-grrrl received the information that I sucked in the sack via a DM on Twitter by someone else?

I say, it would take one hour.

The Power of Social Media.  Screwing Up Sex Plans since 2008.

23 Comments

  1. harmzie

    “viral”… interesting tag.

  2. Sheila (@stinginthetail)

    lol – I hope you have a lovely time at BlogHer.

    I feel i should point something out here. As men who *are* confident of their ability as lovers will tell you, the penis is not what most women get orgasms from. (And that’s men who women agree are good lovers, not the ones who brag, but the women don’t back them up.)

    It’s the tongue or fingers that brings us over the edge – and sensuality. You make sure she’s already got off, and you going in three seconds flat will NOT be what she tweets about.:)

  3. 180/360

    Oh Neil, you crack me up!

  4. sizzle

    Like you’d be complimenting my “glasses” (total euphemism for my ample rack). This was hilarious. I don’t know why you are worried about me being mad. I think you should be more concerned how Kris is going to take it since it is clear she is the one who spills the beans in your fantasy.

    Hey, at least I got some virtual action!

  5. churlita

    Funny. Not feeling any pressure, are you Neil?

  6. Long Story Longer

    You’re screwed, Neil.

  7. Shelle-BlokThoughts

    Well actually that telephone thing might work for you. Because once it gets around the blogosphere it could be said, “Nielochaka did to me in 3 seconds what other men can’t even do in 1 minute! but he broke Ms. sizzle’s glasses and she’s pissed and telling everyone he’s bad in bed!”

    ya see? don’t be afraid… but if you decide not to go, I’ll sacrifice and take your ticket! Your. Welcome.

    But I’m not sleeping with Ms. sizzle if I do, just saying!

  8. Nancy

    Glasses?

    A compliment on glasses will get one laid?

    “Nice peepers ya got there”

  9. Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    No, no, no. The great thing about Telephone is that the story could get so screwed up by the time V-grrrl gets it that she’ll think you rocked it like a hurricane, not a natural disaster.

  10. JChevais

    Yup. You’re screwed.

    Figuratively speaking…

  11. kenju

    LOL!

    (and Sheila’s right!)

  12. kapgar

    Well, I’d better not make it on any of your “do me” lists, but I’d sure be willing to meet up with you for a drink at BlogHer. Not going to the conference myself, but I live in Chicagoland. Let me know.

    P.S. I’ll never tell the e-World about your inability to hold down your liquor. Fear not.

  13. wench

    I bet it’s less than an hour. And I bet other women may see it as a challenge, like bull riding – Who can ride him longest …. heh heh heh

  14. GoingLikeSixty

    I got two tix from the Docker promo. Leave for BOS on Friday. Neener.

    I’m guy BlogHer.com member too. I wouldn’t go within 900 miles of all that estrogen. That explains your lack of performance with Ms. Sizzle dude.

    A few more trips and you will be Nell.

  15. OHmommy

    So funny.

    Telephone nearly always get screwed up. Especially when there is drinking involved. I can’t drink and text at the same time.

  16. Miss Grace

    Conversely, if you’re good in bed and word spreads like wildfire, you’ll have women knocking on your hotel door.

  17. sarah g

    Okay. So you lately have all of these kinds of posts. So I stopped coming by all of the time and stopped commenting as often. Not important; but.. are you serious that these are your plans? Does that mean the chances with Sophia are over? Cause if they’re not..how do these plans help those?

    Otherwise; you’re probably right about social media. So make it count 🙂

  18. jess

    Oh my, you crack me up. You should see my lists.

  19. MammaLoves

    Sizzle tells Kris. Kris tells me. I live in VA.

    I say you have 15 minutes tops.

  20. p.huong

    Technology is a scary thing And so are women. So watch out. Jeez, what if this hits the international level? However, if all goes well, imagine the fame. Go big or go home. DO IT.

  21. repliderium.com

    Best experiment EVER!
    (pfft! jet leg!)

  22. Zoeyjane

    It’s so much easier being a girl. Bad in bed during a lesbian moment? Blame being drunk or a newbie and people totally GET it.

  23. Loukia

    Well I for one will be waiting to read all about your BlogHer experience! ‘Cause this post was awesome!

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