the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

My Wii Story

wii2.jpg

Have you guys tried Wii yet? It is totally different than any other video game. It is so much, much more! Here is my Wii story and how I got involved with the nice people at Nintendo —

I was IM-ing with a great blogging friend of mine, bragging about the 400 comments I have on that”interview” post. I know it isn’t polite to “toot one’s own horn,” but I was really feeling like someone special.

“That’s great,” said my friend. “But you realize that a blogger like Ree from “Confessions of a Pioneer Women” gets 3000 comments on some of her posts!

“3000! My God. I’m so glad for her!” I said, lying.

My friend then told me that on the particular post where she received 3000 comments, she gave away a Wii to a lucky reader in a contest. Apparently Nintendo was creating relationships with several hip sites popular with women. I think it’s great when companies explore new ways to market their products.

“I need to get on this Wii thing for MY readers,” I said, knowing the demographic of my readership, and how they would respond positively to this unique opportunity.

Now, as you know, I have this problem with putting ads on my blog, but a contest is something very different. I am a people pleaser, and nothing would make me happier than getting one of YOU a free Wii. Of course, the 3000 comments wouldn’t be bad either. Talk about a sure-fire opening line at a bar.

I contacted the Nintendo company, and I was surprised that they knew EXACTLY who I was. Apparently, they have done their research on the movers and shakers in the blogosphere.

“You’re the interview guy,” said Marci, the Nintendo marketing executive on the phone. “We know you have a large female readership.”

“Yes I do. They love me.” I said, laughing at my own immodesty.

“We’d very much like for you to do a Wii contest on your blog. We can offer you a Wii for one of your lucky readers, as well as a free Wii for you to use and enjoy.”

“That’s great. I know Sophia has been anxious to try this Guitar Hero she’s been hearing about.”

“Perfect. I’ll email you the marketing copy for the post.”

“What marketing copy?”

“Well, you can write any Wii story you’d like, and do any contest you’d like, but we’d like you to use our new catchphrase, “Wii makes you feel more alive!””

“Wii makes you feel more alive!?”

“Exactly.”

“Uh, I know it probably isn’t my place to say this, but that’s sort of boring. Don’t you think?”

“Well, our marketing department thinks…”

“Marketing department?! Ha Ha. Listen, I know you’re in marketing yourself, and I respect that, but I consider myself a “writer.” I think I can come up with something better suited to my blog.”

“Like what, for instance?”

“Well, how about this — I think this is funny, but “realistic” — “Playing with your Wii is even better than playing with your wee-wee.”

“That’s ridiculous. I don’t even understand…”

“Well, I’m using wee-wee as a playful name for a “c*ck.””

“I know what a wee-wee is, but it doesn’t seem very appropriate for Nintendo to use that as a promotional…”

“I think it will appeal to a lot of men. What I’m trying to express is — “Why sit around jerking off to porn when you can be playing virtual tennis on your Wii?””

“Wow, uh, I really don’t know what to say, I’ve worked in marketing for many years, and, to be frank, talking about masturbation isn’t… and…even if it was… we’re trying to appeal mostly to your female readers.”

“My FEMALE readers?! Hell, they masturbate more than the men! They’re masturbating ALL THE TIME. I think that’s why half of them READ my blog!   You should read THEIR blogs:  every other post is about some new vibrator!  I can only imagine what they’re doing when they come to Citizen of the Month!”

“Well, even so, your campaign wouldn’t make sense since… uh, women don’t have a wee-wee.”

“That’s true. But, wait… I have another idea. This will appeal more to the women. We get a photo of a French woman, and she lying on her bed with her hand between her legs, fantasizing, and she’s going, “Oui…Oui…, and THEN we use the catchphrase, “Playing with your Wii is even better than… Oui… Oui…””

Click.

“Hello? Hello? Marci? Are you there?”

Can you believe it? She hung up on me! What the hell is wrong with Nintendo? You give them some good ideas, and they are too “corporate” to think outside of the box. Well, screw them. Who needs a dumb Wii anyway!

Announcing, Neilochka’s contest to win a 2-1 coupon to the Olive Garden. The 3000th commenter wins!

(for gullible newcomers — truth quotient: .05%)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Money

80 Comments

  1. Non-Highlighted Heather

    Crap. I’ll come back in 2,998 comments. Save my place.

  2. Pants

    You’re right Neil. ALL THE TIME! I barely have time to do homework or housework because I’m so, eh, “occupied.” Sometimes I almost forget to breathe.

  3. Sarah

    lol

    Wii is heaps fun. Although I did put my shoulder out playing the boxing game.

  4. natalie

    please tell me that this is a completely made up conversation. please tell me you did not tell the people at nintendo any of that. oh my. i am cracking up! so funny.

  5. kapgar

    That’s simply forward thinking. You’re marketing ideas are just way ahead of their time. Eventually, Neil, people will get you and your ideas. You will be hailed for your marketing genius and people will build golden idols depicting you and your Wii.

    Of course, you’ll probably be dead by then. But you can’t always get what you want, right?

    So how many times will I have to repost this comment to make it #3000?

  6. kapgar

    That should have been “your.” I’m so ashamed of Mii.

  7. suburbancorrespondent

    Is this true? Did you really blow your chance for a free Wii by opening your big mouth?

    No, this must be a joke. Or your wife would have killed you already…

  8. nancypearlwannabe

    Bogo Olive Garden? Count me in!

    Seriously though, the Wii: greatest invention of the 21st century. Oui oui, indeed.

  9. Eileen Dover

    Well, as a Shii and an Aussii, I’ll have you know, Mr. Neil, you’re far too intelligent for the likes of Nintendo because little children in Australia refer to urine as wee-wee.

    Wii on that, Nintendo!

    (I’ll be back for my Olive Garden coupon. I totally love their breadsticks.)

  10. natalie

    did you add the truth quotient at the end after i posted my comment questioning the truth of this story? i guess i am a gullible newcomer…but i really can’t imagine that the people at nintendo would have even stayed on the phone with you that long. i think they would have hung up at “Playing with your Wii is even better than playing with your wee-wee.” maybe i’m wrong. maybe they would have stayed on longer. but i’m sure they’ve heard of you. i mean you are the famous neil of the interview experiment. how could they not have heard of you?

  11. teebopop

    I don’t need no stinkin’ contest prize to make me comment on YOUR blog!

    I don’t even like video games. OR the Olive Garden.

    It’s all about adoration of The Great One. No, sorry, not you Neilochka … I mean you’re cute, adorable, manly, scrumptious, intelligent, and without a doubt humorous and witty.

    No, it’s all about Neil’s Penis. THAT’s what keeps me coming back (oops, sorry about that pun … but really there’s no substitute word to use!).

    That’s my story and I’m sticking (oops yet another pun) to it.

  12. Neil

    natalie, I did add that for you!

    Eileen — I just looked up wee wee in the “urban dictionary” and there are a whole lot of definitions that I didn’t know about — from a small penis, to urination, to even the vagina! I just remember using the term as a generic one for a male “toy” as a child. I had a wee-wee and I used it to pee-pee. Am I mature, or what? I’m so glad I’m going to therapy and we’re going to read this today. And that is what is so great about blogging — you learn so many interesting things from your fascinating readers!

  13. better safe than sorry

    we haven’t had nintendo in our house for years, my kids love xbox and considering some of the graphics and content i’ve seen, you might want to contact them instead.
    sadly, we no longer have olive garden here.

  14. Hilly

    I missed the Great Interview Experiment because starting a new job always takes away from the time I have for blogging. I seriously wouldn’t *want* that many comments…I’d be overwhelmed. Right now, I am just “whelmed” and that is good enough ;).

  15. Not Fainthearted

    I think that truth quotient might be a bit overstated.

    Anyway, I love the juxtaposition of the kissing post and the wee-wee, er, I mean Oui! Oui! in this one.

    Glad to see you haven’t lost your focus. 😉

  16. Tex In The City

    I smell a basket of warm bread sticks!

  17. Lisa

    Shh! You’re not supposed to go giving away all our little secrets now. lol

  18. Finn

    Wait, the Wii has a vibrator attachment?

  19. gorillabuns

    I’ve only played with a Wii once, but I really don’t think it’s better than playing with your “business.”

  20. Donna

    Funny post, Neil! Love your catchphrase.

  21. Alice

    HAAAAAAAA. oh i love it. and you’re 100% right, your marketing slogan is FAR more effective. oui! oui!!

  22. Arjewtino

    So you’re saying you’re holding a masturbate-for-a-Wii-thon?

    I’m in.

  23. Jill - GlossyVeneer

    I need a Wii… come back to me when you can offer one. 😉

  24. whoorl

    Olive Garden? Oh, you will get 3,000 comments for SURE – lord knows that never-ending salad bowl is the bomb diggity.

  25. sizzle

    wee wee.

    hee hee.

  26. TRO

    To hell with the Wii, Neil.

    If you really want to “connect” with your many vibrator-addicted women readers you should offer one (or more) of these up to them in your contest.

    http://www.nawtythings.com/remote3.html

    The most revolutionary feature of the Highjoy Internet Enabled Rabbit is its ability to connect with other users online. Through this feature you control the intensity of your partner’s stimulation through each other’s computer. This will provides a place where couples in long-distance relationships or those with demanding travel schedules may maximize their intimacy. It’s also a resource for those wishing to interact with others interested in the safest sex possible.

    The only problem I see for you is a lack of bandwidth.

  27. TRO

    Oh yes, I assume you already have a video camera for your computer to enhance the experience.

  28. V-Grrrl

    What does commenter 28 get? Huh?

  29. LVGurl

    1. Were you IMing Kim?

    2. Was I haunting your dreams, and that’s why the marketing exec shares my name?

    3. I have no interest in getting a Wii. Now a 10th generation Atari 2600, that’s something I could get excited about.

    4. Olive Garden is underrated. You are so getting 3,038 comments.

  30. Shelli

    Damn it. I was hoping to win a Wii! Guess I’ll just go play with my husbands wee wee.

  31. sarah g

    hi! I have stopped in to peek now and then, but i’ve been ‘away’. sorry. i’m back. and wow. wee wee to you!

    isnt that hello in french? or yes? or something? I’m uni-lingual! darn.

    olive garden. yum!

  32. Erin Cooper

    I hate to disappoint, but in my experience, the french don’t pronounce “Oui” like “Wee”. It sounds more like “Weh”. So there…

    And I’d love to get more comments, but I can’t think of a good contest…What do reader’s want?

  33. HeyJoe

    That’s freakin’ hilarious. Unfortunately I hate The Olive Garden, but then I’m probably only #35 or something so BFD, right?

  34. churlita

    God, how I love your blog, Neil.

  35. Miss Britt

    DAMN IT!

    And here I thought you were going to have a real life way for me to get a Wii for a contest!

  36. Atomic Bombshell

    Your “fake” stories are my FAVORITES.

  37. 180/360

    The first post I ever read of yours was about the girl who jerked you off at the laundromat. Oh wait- I garbled that story- maybe she made you do her laundry afterward- WHATEVER. It made me keep coming back for more…

    I personally think the whole contest for comments thing is crazy! But the coupon- witty.

  38. Neil

    Erin – Oui is pronounced “Weh!?” I don’t believe that. Otir? Elisabeth? Will some Frenchie set this girl straight!

    TRO — And what were you doing on this women’s sex toy site? Is your wife getting a special gift for Valentine’s Day?

  39. Jenn aka JeSais

    that made me laugh so hard I needed a mute button for my own self at work!
    oui oui indeed.
    get me to the Olive Garden!!

  40. Lara

    HA!

    Incidentally, a 2 for 1 coupon to the Olive Garden is wayyyy better than a Wii.

    Also, you are hilarious.

  41. Neil

    180/360 — No, she made me do HER laundry!

    LVGurl — Uh, Marci, SAJ asked the same thing when I named my therapist Brenda. Maybe I AM spending too much time online.

  42. TRO

    TRO — And what were you doing on this women’s sex toy site? Is your wife getting a special gift for Valentine’s Day?

    Well, you know, I travel a lot.

  43. Dagny

    No Olive Garden for me. The closest ones involve crossing a bridge or going through a tunnel to reach them, I believe. Plus you know I’m not a cheap date.

  44. wendy

    My guess for the .05% truth quotient is that Neil has spent some quality time with his figment french chick moaing oui oui……

  45. Marie

    She hung up because you gave her an idea for a new game and she didn’t want to share the credit.

  46. melanie

    oui oui!!!

    i am typing this with one hand of course… (nudge nudge, wink wink)

  47. Avitable

    Well, to be honest, I am masturbating furiously while reading this.

  48. fringes

    Giggling at the need to add the truth quotient…too funny!

    Thanks for crushing on Q and me today. We crush you, too!

  49. Bec

    So near and yet so far! You just had to bring the penis into the party didn’t you??!

  50. Miss Syl

    Wii makes you feel a live what?

  51. Loralee

    Look at it this way. If you were the Pioneer Woman, you would be banging The Marlborough Man on a regular basis.

    (And I think your penis just MIGHT have some words to say about THAT)

  52. OMSH

    Sex Ed. 101

    Vagina, meet Wii.
    Wii, meet Vagina.

  53. OMSH

    Wii-ly?

    I’m sorry…it just came to me.

    Um, yea.

  54. Diane Mandy

    Ooh La La! I need to get me some Wii!

  55. Danny

    All video games scare me, it must be my addictive personality. This weekend my 12-year-old nephew slept at a friend’s house and they were up until 5 AM playing “Guitar Hero” on their Wii. It’s the devil’s tool.

    My understanding was that “Weh” was more the Parisian pronunciation of “Oui,” I still know lots of Frenchies who pronounce “Oui” as “Wee.”

    I checked out Ree’s site prepared to resent her as much as I do Dooce, but thought it looked kind of fun. However I still can’t for the life of me figure out why a blog like that gets hundreds and hundreds (sometimes thousands?) of comments on every post while others get bupkis. I couldn’t even get 50 comments when I recently begged for it (I only made it to 48). I guess some people (including you) just have their finger on the pulse of the blogosphere!

  56. Inarticulate Fumblings

    I wish the truth quotient had been .95%. What a brilliant advertising campaign.

  57. lfar

    You tried for us… you tried. And that’s all we can ask for, really. Thanks for trying.

  58. Theresa B.

    Oh, I’m playing with mine right now.
    Wee, Wee, Wee. All the way home.
    Thanks for having our backs, even when you’re imagining us on our backs. And for virtually standing up to those product pushers. That’s why I read you.
    PS I’m heading back to Olive Garden territory in a few days. No everlasting salad bowls up here in Alaska.
    Wah, Wah, Wah. All the way home.

  59. Karl

    Looks like you’re well on your way with the comments, bud. And you really need to get a Wii. It’s the bomb. Or shiznit.

  60. Marge

    I’ve been reading PW for a while but her posts net literally hundreds and thousands of comments and it makes me feel small and insignificant so I never say anything. You don’t want to be that blog that is too good for your readers do you?
    Oh – And you are totally onto something with the Wii sex toys. But when they really do come knocking at your door, don’t be rude to them just because they snubbed you the first time (they might have trouble remembering that). 😛

  61. Jay

    Aw, aren’t you sweet.

  62. Nina

    I LOVE YOU!

  63. You can call me, 'Sir'

    Spectacular. Well done, Neil.

  64. Liz

    Okay, but I would have LOVED to have won a Wii, because we are perhaps the only family, in the blogosphere, that doesn’t have one ;o(

    Good luck!

  65. CuriosityKiller

    Ah Oui oui!!!!

  66. CuriosityKiller

    LOL You’re so gonna get your 3000 comments… happy v-day to you and sophie!

  67. CuriosityKiller

    But what about shipping?

  68. Neil

    Stuck without access to my site today. Happy Valentine’s Day, all.

  69. Jennfier

    I bought a Wii for my husband for Christmas. I found it back in September and I can’t tell you how many guilt trips I went on between then and the holidays, hearing all the horror stories about the poor children who wouldn’t have one under their tree because they were so hard to come by. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!! said my sister-in-law.

    Did I waver?

    Not even once.

    For the record, I’ve played it twice.

  70. Ashlie

    Man. You totally had me going until the wee wee part. I am so gullible.

  71. L.A. Daddy

    Yay! I’m number 71! Only 2929 to go! Woo-hoo! Err… I mean Wii-hoo!

  72. savia

    Masterbation is probably the only way Nintendo could sell me on a Wii. Though my vibrators cost a lot less than that, so it better have a variety of programs and settings or it won’t be worth my while.

    I’m only commenter 72, but we don’t have an Olive Garden in Saskatchewan anyway, so there!

  73. Manictastic

    You’d better made a song. Advertising companies like songs.

    Oh Wii Oh Wii OH! I have a big thing to do! Oh Wii Oh Wii Oh! I just know for sure! Oh Wii Oh Wii Oh! I’m playing tennis with U2! Oh Wii Oh Wii Oh!

  74. Aimee Greeblemonkey

    I think I have mentioned this before.

    OLIVE GARDEN IS DECLAN’S FAVORITE RESTAURANT.

    Can I comment another 2,900 times and get the coupon???

  75. piglet

    personally, i think you could have tried just a bit harder to get the wii.

    don’t forget, “with great power comes great responsibility”.

  76. aka_monty

    I was going to leave a really excellent comment right here, but I decided to go masturbate instead. 😉

  77. torrie

    It’s official. I like you.

  78. JChevais

    I am inspired! Everytime I say oui now, I’ll be thinking and saying wii.

  79. YESH

    I have a Wii, there is absolutely nothing good about it, save yourselves and buy a Xbox 360 or Ps3.

  80. kayla

    i love my wii it rocks and so does my ds

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