Therapy has had two opposite effects. It has motivated me to be more productive and organized, hence my post two days ago on how to be better organized. Thank you! Therapy has also made me incredibly self-absorbed, which is perfect for procrastination. I never knew I could be so interesting to myself! So, rather than working today, I spent most of the day mulling my own existence.
First, let me ask you something. I don’t know about your therapist, but my one hour session is really fifty minutes, because “Barbara” needs ten minutes to write her notes. Does your therapist do the same? I like Barbara a lot, but this business practice sounds a bit like the plumber charging you labor costs for his time filling out the paperwork. Maybe I’m just grumpy because fifty minutes is not enough for me. I’ve even started to skip the pleasantries of talking about the weather for a couple of minutes because I can feel the clock ticking. When I walk out of therapy after such short sessions, I feel unfulfilled, as if I just went to a beautiful, naked Thai masseuse who rubbed by entire body in sensual oil, then told me to “get the hell out” so she could watch “Oprah.” After my session today, I was in such a crazed mood to talk… to talk about myself. Unfortunately, for many of you on my email list, there is the little invention called IM. Please accept my apologies — all twenty of you — who I IMed with today while you were in the office. At first, I was polite, meekly saying, “Hi there! How are you?” and then when you answered, I knew I had you trapped.
“So, I just got back from therapy and it was very interesting. I’m beginning to realize that I…. and that I… and… is the best for me… and… more sex… more for me… what I want… me…me…me…oh, right, your grandmother is dying… I remember when my grandmother was dying… me… me… and I was fourteen… and there I was, with my penis… me… aren’t I interesting? What? You have a job? … when I grow up, I want to be…”
I use Trillian for my IM messages, because the application can work on Gmail, Yahoo, MSN, and AOL simultaneously, so I had the entire world covered today. Is it my imagination — or is everyone on my IM list “invisible” tonight? Oh, well, maybe everyone is just watching TV. I can’t imagine that you would “hide” from me.
Barbara is a traditional therapist and she believes in all that crap about everything stemming from your childhood. OK, I shouldn’t say “crap.” I actually believe it too, but I am using humor as a “defense mechanism.” How do you like them apples? Defense-mechanism! Don’t I sound self-actualized? I know my stuff!
When I look through my blog, I see themes that are played over and over. I don’t mean that I use the same stories over and over again. I do that, too, hoping most of the readers from 2005 have disappeared by now. I mean that many of my posts have a certain world view that relates to my own neuroses. One of them has to do with gender issues in my marriage. Over and over, we’ve seen that Sophia is outwardly the strong one, while I sit at home, listening to ABBA. Who wants a wimpy husband? Gender roles affect our home, our family, and our relationship.
Since these issues didn’t play much of a role in my life until I married Sophia, I saw it as a “marital” problem, but Barbara is helping me realize that you can’t really fix a couple; you can only fix yourself. The seeds of my behavior were planted in me way before I had met Sophia. I learned about gender roles and marriage from my own parents. My confusion over a “man’s role” in society were already bouncing around my head as a child, my brain crowded with images of Clint Eastwood and James Bond battling it out with sweater-wearing Bill Cosby.
When I was at USC Film School, my final thesis film was a broad comedy called “Little Artie.” It was just a little funny film, but when I mentioned the plot-line to Barbara, she was surprised that the story foreshadowed my relationship with Sophia — and I hadn’t even met her yet. It feels pretentious analyzing my “work” as if I am Ingmar Bergman, but I’m surprised how unaware I was of the similarities.
Is this how little I know myself?
Artie and Elaine are a married couple. They have a little dog named Little Artie, and they treat him as their child, like many pet-owners do when they don’t have children.
Note: While it seemed funny at the time, it now seems a bit odd that I named the two characters, Artie and Elaine, since my parents’ REAL names are… Artie and Elaine! And who would be Little Artie then?
In the story, Artie works as a curator at an art gallery. He is peace-loving , cultured “liberal.” Elaine is training to be a black belt in karate. She is more conservative and believes in self-defense, and is more aggressive in the bedroom. They get along great, except for differing opinions on how to “raise” their dog, Little Artie. Artie wants him to be a loving pet, while Elaine wants him to be stronger, able to take care of the family if there is danger. Later, while they are at work, their home is burglarized and the dog stands there watching all the furniture disappear. When they come home and see their empty home, Artie and Elaine have a big fight. Elaine insists that Little Artie go to “guard dog school” to get him into shape, while Artie refuses to allow this. The argument gets intense and they file for divorce. The question remains — who gets the dog? At this point, the dog runs into the dog house in the backyard and refuses to come out for either of them. The couple goes to court and the judge rules that whoever can get him out of the doghouse first can keep him. And then there is some crazy comedy! Well, except for the parts that fell flat. There’s some new “lovers,” and a karate fight finale (I used a real fight coordinator) between Artie’s two rival women at an art gallery opening. At the end, Artie and Elaine learn to compromise — Little Artie needs to be both strong AND sensitive.
Anyway, that’s therapy — week seven.