One aspect of blogging I enjoy is taking some random element and squeezing it until it runs dry.  Such is the case with my web-cam.  So, until I return to reality, let me continue living in a fantasy world until the weekend is over –

Ladies and Gentlemen — the last entry in the Web-cam trilogy:

Today, I chatted with Haley, a female blogger who I haven’t spoken in months.  Haley had moved across the country and had stopped blogging for awhile.

During our chat, we talked about her work and my writing.  She told me that she had been keeping up with my life through the blog.

Haley: “Why did you really buy that web-cam?”

I told her that Otir was using Seesmic (a video blogging app) and had been trying to get me to use it.

Haley: “No, really…?  We’re friends.  You can tell me.”

Neil: “That is the reason.”

The conversation continued on without any more mention of the web-cam.  I had a feeling that she didn’t believe me.

After chatting for a half hour longer, I told her that I had to go.  My mother and I were off to have dinner at the local Dominican diner.

Neil: “Take care.  Speak soon.”

Haley: “Bye!”

Neil: “xoxoxox”

I paused for a second.  That was the first time I had ever written that sign-off — xoxoxo.  I’ve seen others write it, but I’ve never seen a man do it.  It’s OK when woman says that to a man, but… I worried that I looked too forward.  I didn’t want it to seem as if I was hitting on her.  I figured it was time for some damage control wth Haley.

Neil: “That’s the first time I ever wrote xoxoxo.  I’ve seen others use it.  I’m experimenting with it.”

Haley: “LOL.”

Good, she LOL-ed.  She isn’t upset.

Haley: “xo”

xo?  I found that odd.  Why was she giving me an xo rather than the full xxxooo?

Neil: “Why just xo?”

Haley: “Huh?”

Neil: “I gave you xoxoxo, and you just said xo.  Are you mad at me?”

Haley: “No, of course not.  xo and xoxoxo mean the same thing.”

Neil: “I don’t think so.  xo is like a tiny peck on the cheek.  xoxoxox is more intimate — like we’re actually doing it.”

Haley: “Doing it?   You mean… like f**king?”

Neil: “I was just joking.”

Haley: “I don’t think you were.”

Neil: “I was joking.  I was making a literary analogy”

Haley: “I think you want to f**k me.”

Neil: “I don’t want to f**k you.  I don’t really know you.”

Haley: “Oh sure, but that wasn’t going to stop you from taking out your c**k to show me on your web-cam!”

Neil: “I was never going to do that.”

Haley: “Well, that’s because you ended up buying  a cheapo web-cam that doesn’t work.”

Neil: “The only reason I got the web-came was to debate politics with Otir on Seesmic.”

Haley: “So how many times have you shown your c**k to Otir on Seesmic?”

Neil: “She’s a married woman.  A religious woman.”

Haley: “So are you saying religious women can’t be sexy?  I believe in the Lord my Savior Jesus Christ and I’m very very sensual.”

Neil: “Really?”

Haley: “You want to see my tits on my web-cam?”

Neil: “My mother is calling.  We’re going out to the Dominican
Diner.”

Haley: “Your loss.  I have really nice tits.”

Neil: “Maybe later.  xoxoxo”

Haley: “xo”

Neil: “Hey, why just xo…?”

Yahoo Messenger:  Haley is now offline.

And she then blocked me.

Truth Quotient: 31%  (I did IM xoxoxo to Melissa from “the Daily Minute” today and she only returned a xo, Otir did ask me to try out Seesmic)

In some families, the father brings home the bacon. When I was child, my father brought home the mail. In our apartment building, each family was only given one key to their mailbox slot in the lobby, so my father would bring up the mail as he came home from work. It was always an exciting moment when we heard the jiggle of his key at the front door. We would gather around my father, not to greet him, but to see the mail he brought in.  My father would even play a game with us, hiding the mail behind his back, and sneaking into the bedroom, making us follow and beg.

I’m not sure why the mail was such a big deal in those days. It wasn’t like we were in the Army, waiting to hear from loved ones.  Perhaps mail was more special in the days before email and IM.  Now, having a “pen pal” in Belgium is as easy as emailing V-Grrrl.  Years ago, it was a thrill to get a letter from abroad.  Despite the internet, I still love getting “real” mail.  I was so excited when some bloggers sent me Christmas cards. You can’t hold an email in your hand, but with a greeting card - you know the other person once physically held the same piece of paper.

In my youth, the mail represented the outside world. My father was a bit of an “accidental tourist.” Although he didn’t travel that much, he subscribed to five travel magazines.  I loved to rifle through the pages of the travel magazines he would get in the mail, looking at all the exotic photos.  Once, for my birthday, he got me a subscription to National Geographic, but that magazine was dull compared to the glamorous travel photos in Conde Nast’s Traveler magazine.  I had little interest in seeing ferocious tigers in Africa.  I dreamed more of being in the exclusive African RESORT with the models and fine cuisine.  

Email is clearly today’s “mail.” I love getting emails! In fact, I’ve gotten to know some of you better through reading your emails than reading your blogs. Feel free to email me whenever you want to scold me for making fun of therapists and therapy!

I’m not as keen on IM.  I’m uncomfortable chatting with someone I can’t see or hear.   The pace of IM is always too fast, and I hate writing “u” for “you.”  I also have no skill in having two IM conversations at the same time.  Once, I sent the wrong message to the wrong person.  About a month ago, Charming but Single taught me that I can be “hidden” while on IM.    I’m just saying.   As a little hint.

The first time I chatted online was several years back, when I was still on dial-up. My dial-up service was a small (and cheap) local ISP called LA Freenet. They only covered the LA area. It had so few customers that they listed everyone who was on at the same time; it was usually about twenty people. There wasn’t much to do online in those days. I did nerdy things like read Usenet forums. LA Freenet had a primitive text-based chat system, but I never used it. I didn’t have much interest in interacting with anyone online. It seemed a little creepy to talk to a stranger.

One night, I was reading some boring forum about “movie gossip,” when I got a ping from some other LA Freenet user named ag704, inviting me to chat.

“Hello” said ag704.

“Hello.” I typed. I paused, unsure if I actually sent a message over the internet.

“Did you see what I just wrote?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“OK.  Just checking. I never did this before.”

“You did fine. Just write in that little box and press enter. I just learned how to do it myself.”

“OK.”

Being an avoidant personality even back then, I felt nervous. Who the hell was this person?

“Are you also on LA Freenet?” I asked.

“Of course I am.  I was just chatting with some other members, but all they talked about was Star Trek.  Are you into Star Trek?”

I was a fan of “The Next Generation,” but decided not to say anything about it.

“I’m not a crazy fan or anything.” I wrote.  “I don’t go to conventions.”

“Good.”

Was this person a man or woman? I wanted to ask, but thought it was rude.

“How did you know I was on here?” I asked instead.

“They list everyone who is on LA Freenet. I was looking for someone who didn’t talk about Star Trek to try out this chat thing.”

“So, you found me.”

“It’s Passover tomorrow, so I figured I’ll talk to someone with a Jewish name.”

“Neil Kramer is not necessarily a Jewish name.”

“Are you Jewish?”

“Uh… yes…”

“I thought Neil Kramer sounded Jewish.”

Now I was getting nervous.

“And who are you? What is your name?”

“My name is Sophia. Sophia Lansky”

This was the start of my first online chat.  We never chatted again, but we sent emails to each other for the next two months.  So, maybe my fear of IM has something to do with the fact that I end up marrying the women I chat with.

A Year Ago On Citizen of the Month: Ms. Neilochka

from Lane Bryant online site

If there’s one question everyone seems to ask me via email lately it’s, “Neilochka, you’re known throughout the blogosphere as a man of strong desires. How in the world are you managing without a woman around?”

The truth is, it’s been extremely difficult. Sure, I’ve flirted with one or two female bloggers in their blog comments, but its all been high school stuff. You know — “Oh, you look so hot in that photo with your kids and your pet hamster!”

Last night, I decided it was time to take things up a notch. I decided to IM with the unattached “BlogGirl X,” hoping for some online action. I wasn’t entirely sure how to initiation the “good times,” but I figured I’d play it by ear.

“Hi there!” I IMed her on Yahoo! Messenger, adding an emoticon that winked. I figured I’d let the emoticons be my “wing-men” in helping me achieve my goal.

“Hey, Neilochka” she replied, “What’s up?!”

“Hee hee,” I thought.

I started my dance of seduction. We spoke about blogging. About her job. About her recent fight with her mother over some sort of vacation plans to Florida. About her recent eye infection from swimming in a neighbor’s pool.

I began scratching my head, wondering if I was approaching this incorrectly. If I wanted to talk about this boring crap, I could have just called up Sophia. Where was the hot action?”

Now I know what you are thinking. What ABOUT Sophia? Isn’t Neil still “married?” Isn’t it a little sleazy of him to be hitting on women online while still being a married man?

I understand where you are coming from. I’ve seen these type of assholes on TV shows like “Grey’s Anatomy.” They may be sexy as hell, but they are basically love-em-and-leave-em jerks, jumping from one extra-marital conquest to the next.

But that is not me. I have two excellent excuses for flirting with “BlogGirl X” last night.

Excuse #1 –

I tried to flirt with Sophia FIRST. Granted there is a three hour time difference between LA and NY — and it was 2AM in New York. But if someone woke me up in the middle of the night wanting some sex talk, I would be overjoyed! And also - once we started talking, the conversation quickly went off-course, Sophia seemed more interested in discussing “what checks came in the mail” than watching me on my new “webcam.”

Excuse # 2 –

Before Sophia left for New York, I explicitly asked her if it was OK for me to “fool around” with other women while she was gone. She answered, “Only if you actually learn something.”

So, I take that as a “yes.”

So, back to BlogGirl X. We are online for fifteen minutes and it is time to get explicit.

Neil:  “So, where are you now?”

BlogGirl X:  “In bed.”

Good. Good.

Neil:  “So, what are you wearing?”

BlogGirl X:  “A bra and matching panties.”

Bing!

Neil:  “Oh, really? What color?”

BlogGirl X:  “Burgundy”

Neil:  “Huh. It’s hard to visualize. Do you have any photos?”

BlogGirl X:  “Hold on…”

Holy shit! It’s actually working! She’s playing along!

BlogGirl X:  “… I bought the bra and panties online. Let me show you the URL…”

She sends me to LaneBryant.com.

This is not exactly what I hoped for.

But still, it is a photo of a curvy woman in a bra and panties. Good enough for me right now.

Neil:  “Nice. That wouldn’t be YOU in the photo, would it?”

BlogGirl X:  “No, silly. I’m not a model. I’m an advertising account executive.”

Sigh.

Neil:  “But you do look something like her, right?… I’m assuming…”

BlogGirl X:  “Sort of. Except I’m a 38D.”

Neil:  “Yes. Hey, that’s what Sophia is, too!”

BlogGirl X:  “Oh, really?

Neil:  “Yes!”

BlogGirl X:  “Cool.  She should buy this bra. It’s the most comfortable one I’ve ever worn. At Lane Bryant.”

Neil:  “I’ve been to Lane Bryant with Sophia. She doesn’t like their clothes.”

BlogGirl X:  “Neither do I. But they have the best bras for buxom women. Just tell her to take the padding out. We certainly don’t need it.”

Neil:  “Right…right…”

I bit my tongue. Something is going wrong here. Too much talk about Sophia. Stay focused, the eye on the prize…

Neil:  “Oh yeah, so, I guess you wouldn’t need the padding… since you are a 38D…”

BlogGirl X:  “Yeah. I also find the padding irritates my nipples. I have very sensitive nipples.”

Neil:  “You do…?”

BlogGirl X:  “Oh, my nipples always give me a problem. Even during sex. It’s like — don’t touch me there right now!”

Neil:  “Huh. So, like, uh, when you’re having sex, I would think most women like, uh…

BlogGirl X:  “Oh, they’re just very sensitive when I’m very sexually aroused. Otherwise, I love when a man plays with my nipples… Oh, check out this bra on the site! I love this one, too. I just bought it and it looks so good with my new black dress.”

She sends me another URL from Lane Bryant, showing another woman in a bra, but I’m feeling a little too dizzy to look at it.

BlogGirl X:  “I could be like a saleswoman for these bras I love them so much. You have to tell Sophia about them.”

Neil:  “Uh…I will.”

BlogGirl X:  “You promise? Because men always forget these things.”

Neil:  “No, I will…so, let’s get back… you were saying, when you get very aroused, your…”

BlogGirl X:  “You want me to send her off an email with the link to Lane Bryant…”

Neil:  “No…no… I’ll do it…”

BlogGirl X:  “Great. Let me go now. I think I’ll undress, take a shower, then relax with my vibrator. I need an orgasm! I had such a long day at work today!”

Neil:  “Uh…OK…”

BlogGirl X:  “Bye, Neilochka. Can’t wait to read your next post! You’re always so funny!”

Neil:  “Bye.”

She ended the conversation with an emoticon that winked.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Questions on my Mind