Next week, is one of the most dreaded days of the year, Valentine’s Day. The whole concept of this commercialized holiday is more offensive to me than any Danish cartoon. I know I will not be reading any blogs that day. I don’t want to read about your "hubby" buying you some overpriced flowers or that you bought your cute girlfriend a little teddy bear that says "I love you, sweet ass" when you press his tummy.
First of all it’s rude. Don’t you realize how many people don’t have sweeties in their lives? Believe me, I’ve been there. Don’t you remember when you used to cry on Valentines’ Day? Suddenly you landed some dorky partner and now you want to shove it in everyone’s face.
Things work differently here at Citizen of the Month. At this blog, EVERYONE IS A VALENTINE’S LOSER. Imagine the scene in "Dead Poet’s Society" when all the students got on their desks and said "I’m a dead poet," or whatever they said in that melodramatic movie.
That’s why I SINCERELY suggest that we all stand with our comrades-in-blog who are single and miserable, and write –
"I am a Valentine’s Loser"
– in the comments to this post. What a great way to make the REAL LOSERS feel better about themselves! And that’s what blogging is all about, isn’t it?
Of course you might be asking yourself, "What do you know about being a loser, Neilochka? After all, you have Sophia."
Did you forget that I’m separated? That I live in this crappy bachelor pad? That I’d like to have some woman playing with my penis rather than me talking to it all the time?
Yes, I’m a loser –
just like all the rest of you shlubs.
And don’t think you can wriggle out of this just because you have a wife or a boyfriend.
You may be confident now, with your snotty nose held high. But think about it. Maybe your wife will leave you, fed up with all the time you spend blogging rather than taking care of her sexual needs. Or if you’re a female blogger, maybe you’ll come home one day and find your husband shagging your blogging pal from Chicago. Who’s in trouble now?
So, even if you are happy now, there is a high probability that you will be a future Valentine’s Day Loser.
So, don’t feel so sure of yourself.
So, come, let’s stand together across the blogosphere and write in the comments here –
"I am a Valentine’s Loser."
That said, I don’t want anyone feeling depressed on February 14. There is nothing sadder than just getting one Valentine’s Day card every year — from your mother. (yes, my mother still sends me a card).
If you are in that situation, would you like to have an extremely sexy blogger sending you a personalized Valentine’s email?
Yes, if you are depressed, I will send you a Valentine’s Day email on February 14th. Just leave a message in the comments or send me an email.
And just to show that this blog isn’t all about the women, Sophia has volunteered to send a Valentine’s email to any forlorn, horny man who leaves a message in the comments or at my email address.
Let’s spread the love around!
I am a Valentine’s Day loser, Neil. And I would LOVE an email from you. And I just want to say that I’m sorry that I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t been keeping up with your blog-o-rific-ness. Please forgive me. After all, I’m suffering more than you are, not getting to experience your…um… blog-o-rific-ness.
True, but think about the converse. Guys like me have to shell out for flowers for the wife and all the mistresses. It can really add up. So we don’t have it as great as you think we do.
Neil, I once went out with a guy the day AFTER Valentine’s Day. That’s when he gave me a box of chocolates — being that it was the day after, they were probably 50% off. (just like that lovely bouquet you’ve spoken so much about). I kept the chocolates; I dropped the guy.
Or you could send one of these fantastic cards instead: the perfect anti-Valentines day gift.
Jill — no apologies needed. I’ve been much worse than you lately. But Love means never having to say so to another blogger.
JJ — I never understood the proper etiquette. Who get the better flowers — the wife or the mistress?
Pearl — I would have given that guy another shot. Wasn’t he just being smart and money-wise?
Valentine’s Day is 4 days before Sophia’s birthday, and I once bought her one set of flowers and one gift in order to just do both celebrations at once –and I got so much shit for that.
Girl — Thanks — what a great site. Fits my beliefs perfectly.
I am a Valentines Day Loser. Yes, the last several years I’ve gotten plenty of attention, I admit. But before that. Yikes. Lots of VDs alone. Lots. And while I would try to make plans to do something fun so I wouldn’t sit around and feel sorry for myself, as the years went by more and more of my friends were attached. I guess the irony is that now so many are unattached again. My despicable ex-husband never even celebrated any occasions (not even Hallmark holidays). Of course, that’s not what made him despicable. But that’s for another day. Maybe when you post about anal retentive men who have never learned how to appreciate joy in life, I’ll write more about that.
BTW – growing up, I thought VD was on 2/15 – my dad always bought candies for us when they went on sale!
I’m not allowed to get valentines from other men (My dorky boyfriend who can’t stop buying me stuffed animals that say inappropriate phrases when fondled won’t let me). However…I would love a valentine from Sophia… can you hook me up?
I am a Valentine’s Loser (but don’t really mind so much right at the moment). I would love a Valentine’s email from the Internet’s sexiest blogger, but I’ll settle for one from you, Neil.
I’m a valentines loser. Yes, I am married, but we don’t celebrate it. He won’t come home with flowers or candy. Actually he won’t even be in town.
So, I’d like a valentine email
I dunno, better to get nothing than something you hate from someone you are ambivalent about.
i was a loser for years. i actually met my husband on valentines day, i think it will be 27 years this year, however, i was actually trying to hit on his friend, not him, that’s how much of a valentine loser i was. i couldn’t even get the guy i was interested in, had to settle for one i’d eventually marry and have a family with. i get cards for all of my kids, even my 21 year old daughter, cuz she’s a valentine’s loser too. stupid hallmark.
I am a Valentine’s loser. And I would like a card. Thanks.
Great idea Neil, whatta mensch you are.
I’m sorta a Valentines Day loser (though I may be a loser if S takes off with one of my blog buddies, who knows now you have me worried).
Why do we all have to be losers? Why can’t we all be Valentine’s WINNERS? ‘Cos even if we don’t all have people to buy us horny stuffed animals, we’ve all got each other, right?
Say it with me, people: I am a Valentine’s winner.
Mysterygirl — I was waiting for someone to say that. Bleh…
I’m a Valentine’s Day loser, not because I’m single at the moment, but because I never pay any attention to it, and generally forget it happens.
But I would love to change all of that by getting a Valentine from you, Neil, the blogophere’s most generous and flirtatious blogger.
I’ll take one from Sophia too.
I too am a Valentines Day Loser…Neil I would love a valentine email…I don’t particularly like the holiday, but I will say that the one year I had flowers surprise me at work was fun!
I am a Valentine’s Loser and proud of it! Who needs some over-commercialized, Hallmark-created day to express your love? Besides, guys can never figure out what to get you anyway and I swear that if I ever get another food processor on V-day, woe betide the young man who gives it to me.
I dunno, Neil. All these comments are making me feel much more loser-y than I did before I read this post.
Mainly I think of V-day as the holiday when my dad renews my AAA membership. Nothing says Valentine’s like emergency auto services.
Since you’re offering though, sure, I’ll take a V-day email from you or Sophia.
I’m a bisexual Valentine’s loser. I can’t find a boy OR a girl to spend the day with.
How sad is that?
Minnesota is one screwy place.
*mwah* to Neil and his wonderful idea, even though he is a Pices.
I haven’t even finished reading your post yet. They don’t stand on their desks and say “I’m a dead poet.” They each stand up and individually say “Oh captain, my captain!” And it’s my favorite part of that film (which happens to be my all time favorite movie EVER.) OK, back to V-Day…
You’re not the only one who gets one V-Day card a year from mom; I do too. (That line made me laugh hard.)
I ain’t no loser. Don’t you realize that we’re the lucky ones? Why would I want to be saddled to some loser when I can be blissfully single? (Kiss my ass if you say I’m not blissful.)
I am a Valentine’s day loser. It’s a fact, and I am okay with that.
My name is Sandra and I am a Valentine’s Day loser. Who will, in all likelihood, spend the evening drinking wine and eating take-out with a gay guy. Go team.
I, too, am a V-Day Loser.
I loathe diamond heart necklaces, red roses, cutesie cards, bad chocolate, and anything that reeks of orchestrated romance. But I melt when my husband shows up spontaneously with a bunch of posies from the grocery store. Go figure.
I say we still jam YOUR e-mail box with e-valentines.
I thought they stood on their desks and said Yawp… “scream your barbaric yawp from the rooftops of the world”…
Bravo, Neil! JUST SAY NO to Valentine’s Day, people! Don’t forget that it was founded to commemorate the 270 A.D. beating and beheading of a Roman priest who defied Emperor Claudius’ decree forbidding all marriages and engagements (he thought he could get more Roman men to join his armies if they had no one to come home to). That said, I’ll make my annual obnoxious Valentine for my wife and dribble some red food coloring into whatever we’re having for dinner. But even though I’m not forlorn or horny (well…), I DO want a Valentine from Sophia. S dnyom svyatogo Valentina!
It’s hard to think of a man with a talking penis as a Valentine’s Day Loser, but o.k.
I am a Valentine’s Day Loser, born on Valentine’s Day, ugghh
I am a Valentine’s Day Loser. And I would also love a Valentine, from you AND Sophia. AND, you can read my blog that day, because I’ll be spewing venom at all those lovey-dovey bastards. Can you say, “Hallmark Holiday?”
Can I be the blogging pal in Chicago you mention who is getting busy with everybody’s husbands? Because then I won’t be a Valentine’s Day loser. I’ll just be a skank. Do skanks get personal emails from you on V-Day?
Yep, I’m a Valentine’s Loser too and would sooo appreciate a card. (Single but not miserable … quite happy for now … does that count me out?!?).
Neil, you’re the best valentine I’ve ever had…you’ve planned ahead, you have already come up with a lovely sentiment (“I am a valentine loser”) and you’re already planning to send a card. What woman in her right mind WOULDN’T want you for a valentine?
Oh, hell, count me in.
I wonder how come no one celebrates St. Polycarp’s Day. No one’s ever heard of a Polycarp’s day loser, except, of course, Polycarp himself, whose martyrdom is the point of the day, and you’d think that more people would be interested in becoming one, since it would give the loser something of a dramatic flair. Anyone can claim to be a Valentine’s Day loser and most people do, but a Polycarp’s Day loser, that has a certain fishy air about it, I think, that may delude someone into thinking that there’s more to this than meets the eye.
It occurs to me that calling Polycarp’s martyrdom the point of the day is in extremely dubious taste, what with him being stabbed to death and all. My apologies to the Polycarpians here.
Am I really on my own here in thinking that Valentine’s Day is pretty much ok? Something very romantic about receiving a card or flowers from a ‘secret admirer’ (although chances are if he’s still a secret he hasn’t registered much on your hunkometer). My ex husband used to claim all the bah humbug about the day just being another over commercialised occasion and would smile sweetly and let me know ANY day of the year that he loved me. Well, I was still waiting when I walked out that door! (Depending on your beliefs) We have a day to celebrate the birth of Christ; a day to celebrate the white man finally making it to Australia; you celebrate thanksgiving etc etc etc Why not celebrate love?
Oh … my boys all get Val cards from me too … Will they start thinking that’s very daggy soon?
I am a Valentine’s Loser. At least, I have been every year of life until now (even when I had a boyfriend to conveniently ignore the day).
Maybe this is my year. (Probably not. Can I have a card?)
Anyway, silly Neil, you won’t have to read about Valentine’s gifts all over everyone’s blogs this February 14. Anyone who celebrates the day properly will be flinging newly purchased red lingerie across the room and having some mandatory Valentine’s Day sex.
~~~I am a Valentine’s Loser~~~
Oh yes I am, so very pathetic. But I have to admit you have worked the magic of Neilochka. You have managed to identify all the lonely women who read your blog, have them admit AA style, “I am a loser” and get their email addresses too. Sweet. You are brilliant.
I’ll be looking forward to my card, make sure it’s naughty *winks*
Ashbloem — you just got a new boyfriend. How greedy can you be?
Denise — Someone actually gave you a food processor? Was it at least red?
Michelle — Never thought of the bisexual dilemma. That’s a tough one. Are you sure Minnesota is the ideal place for you?
Megan — I will never say another bad word about “Dead Poet’s Society” again. I promise.
Sandra — While you’re out with the gay guy, maybe you can ask around for a bisexual for Michelle.
Annie — Jesus, when I used to get flowers from the grocery store, Sophia would toss them out the window. Your husband has it easy.
Danny — Do you want the email in Russian?
Margo — But you already have the title for your autobiography, “Born on Valentine’s Day.”
Trix — Bullshit. I know you’re a softie at heart.
Jenny — Skanks get special messages.
Rich Gypsy — Yeah, yeah, we get it… you’re single and happy about it. You’re getting in touch with yourself. You don’t need a man in your life right now… we all buy it, really we do…
Cruisin — I really hope you never meet Sophia so she doesn’t tell you how bad I am in reality on planning Valentine’s Day… I once ran around Redondo Beach for three hours trying to find a florist that wasn’t sold out of flowers…
Anne — I think of something to say in French…
Student Nurse — I’ve never read anything so cynical in my life. I would never consider a woman “lonely” just because she doesn’t have a stupid Valentine. I would consider her “easy.” Now, how naughty would you like that card?
Oh Neil, I need some major, major Valentine’s loving. ‘Cause it is well-documented how much of a Valentine’s Day loser I am!
Every single time I come here I laugh. It’s getting so that now when I need a laugh I come here. Sort of conditioned reflex.
I am a TOTAL Valentine’s Day Loser…I’m practically the reigning queen of the losers or at least that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Valentine’s…BAH!!!
Sadly there are some of us with sweeties who can’t even get a romp in the hay on their wedding anniversary (or even their blogaversary) much less on Valentines day. So it’s not about if you have a sweetie or not. I may get chocolates and roses on V-day but I still won’t get sex so I’ll end up having a fat ass but smelling like roses.
Okay….”I am a Valentine’s Loser”. are you happy now?
Join the crowd.
Valentine’s Day 1996- Alone and eating all the second-hand chocolates given to me by my 3 semi-anerexic college roomates. The worst part was that their boyfriends were poor college students, so it wasn’t even good chocolate.
Even though I have a valentine this year, that should qualify me for the V-day loser hall of fame.
St. Valentine, he was a Jewish saint, right?
I’d like to hear from Sophia. But it must be something steamy.
I don’t mind being a Valentine Loser! I started hating Valentine’s Day the day I called my est friend and his mum answered me in a how-can-you-be-calling-him-and-expecting-him-to-be-home-today voice saying “C’mon Fitèna, you DO REALIZE that today is Valentine’s Day right?!” I don’t remember what I answered, must have been something pretty pathetic! I hate the Valentiners on Valentine’s Day. The look-at-what-he or she-got me-today people!
Fitèna
Nelumbo — OK, this is suposed to be somewhat humorous. Your story was just plain depressing.
Anne A — Is that like Jeremiah was a bullfrog?
Lynn — Oh, definitely. “She’ll” write you something steamy. Real steamy. “Sophia” will write you something so hot, you’re going to need to put on the air-conditioning. “Sophia” is looking forward to writing this email to you, especially the details about how she… well, let’s just make it a surprise…
Fitena — It’s good to know that hatred of Valentine’s Day is a world-wide movement.
I am a Valentine’s Day loser and I would like an email from you. Well, actually I’d rather it be from Sophia. If it’s from you, could you sign in Danielle? I’d also like some encouraging words about penis size – you know, how it’s not how big it is but what I do with it? That sort of thing.
And maybe some kind words about my humour and what a darned perceptive writer I am? That would be really nice to hear.
Feel free to attach naked photos too. I’m very open to that sort of thing. (Well, of Sophia. Not so much of you. Actually, as I think of it, please DO NOT include photos of yourself naked. That would be rather more disturbing than I’m prepared to handle.)