Next week, is one of the most dreaded days of the year, Valentine’s Day. The whole concept of this commercialized holiday is more offensive to me than any Danish cartoon. I know I will not be reading any blogs that day. I don’t want to read about your "hubby" buying you some overpriced flowers or that you bought your cute girlfriend a little teddy bear that says "I love you, sweet ass" when you press his tummy.
First of all it’s rude. Don’t you realize how many people don’t have sweeties in their lives? Believe me, I’ve been there. Don’t you remember when you used to cry on Valentines’ Day? Suddenly you landed some dorky partner and now you want to shove it in everyone’s face.
Things work differently here at Citizen of the Month. At this blog, EVERYONE IS A VALENTINE’S LOSER. Imagine the scene in "Dead Poet’s Society" when all the students got on their desks and said "I’m a dead poet," or whatever they said in that melodramatic movie.
That’s why I SINCERELY suggest that we all stand with our comrades-in-blog who are single and miserable, and write —
"I am a Valentine’s Loser"
— in the comments to this post. What a great way to make the REAL LOSERS feel better about themselves! And that’s what blogging is all about, isn’t it?
Of course you might be asking yourself, "What do you know about being a loser, Neilochka? After all, you have Sophia."
Did you forget that I’m separated? That I live in this crappy bachelor pad? That I’d like to have some woman playing with my penis rather than me talking to it all the time?
Yes, I’m a loser —
just like all the rest of you shlubs.
And don’t think you can wriggle out of this just because you have a wife or a boyfriend.
You may be confident now, with your snotty nose held high. But think about it. Maybe your wife will leave you, fed up with all the time you spend blogging rather than taking care of her sexual needs. Or if you’re a female blogger, maybe you’ll come home one day and find your husband shagging your blogging pal from Chicago. Who’s in trouble now?
So, even if you are happy now, there is a high probability that you will be a future Valentine’s Day Loser.
So, don’t feel so sure of yourself.
So, come, let’s stand together across the blogosphere and write in the comments here —
"I am a Valentine’s Loser."
That said, I don’t want anyone feeling depressed on February 14. There is nothing sadder than just getting one Valentine’s Day card every year — from your mother. (yes, my mother still sends me a card).
If you are in that situation, would you like to have an extremely sexy blogger sending you a personalized Valentine’s email?
Yes, if you are depressed, I will send you a Valentine’s Day email on February 14th. Just leave a message in the comments or send me an email.
And just to show that this blog isn’t all about the women, Sophia has volunteered to send a Valentine’s email to any forlorn, horny man who leaves a message in the comments or at my email address.
Let’s spread the love around!