Next week, is one of the most dreaded days of the year, Valentine’s Day. The whole concept of this commercialized holiday is more offensive to me than any Danish cartoon. I know I will not be reading any blogs that day. I don’t want to read about your "hubby" buying you some overpriced flowers or that you bought your cute girlfriend a little teddy bear that says "I love you, sweet ass" when you press his tummy.
First of all it’s rude. Don’t you realize how many people don’t have sweeties in their lives? Believe me, I’ve been there. Don’t you remember when you used to cry on Valentines’ Day? Suddenly you landed some dorky partner and now you want to shove it in everyone’s face.
Things work differently here at Citizen of the Month. At this blog, EVERYONE IS A VALENTINE’S LOSER. Imagine the scene in "Dead Poet’s Society" when all the students got on their desks and said "I’m a dead poet," or whatever they said in that melodramatic movie.
That’s why I SINCERELY suggest that we all stand with our comrades-in-blog who are single and miserable, and write –
"I am a Valentine’s Loser"
– in the comments to this post. What a great way to make the REAL LOSERS feel better about themselves! And that’s what blogging is all about, isn’t it?
Of course you might be asking yourself, "What do you know about being a loser, Neilochka? After all, you have Sophia."
Did you forget that I’m separated? That I live in this crappy bachelor pad? That I’d like to have some woman playing with my penis rather than me talking to it all the time?
Yes, I’m a loser –
just like all the rest of you shlubs.
And don’t think you can wriggle out of this just because you have a wife or a boyfriend.
You may be confident now, with your snotty nose held high. But think about it. Maybe your wife will leave you, fed up with all the time you spend blogging rather than taking care of her sexual needs. Or if you’re a female blogger, maybe you’ll come home one day and find your husband shagging your blogging pal from Chicago. Who’s in trouble now?
So, even if you are happy now, there is a high probability that you will be a future Valentine’s Day Loser.
So, don’t feel so sure of yourself.
So, come, let’s stand together across the blogosphere and write in the comments here –
"I am a Valentine’s Loser."
That said, I don’t want anyone feeling depressed on February 14. There is nothing sadder than just getting one Valentine’s Day card every year — from your mother. (yes, my mother still sends me a card).
If you are in that situation, would you like to have an extremely sexy blogger sending you a personalized Valentine’s email?
Yes, if you are depressed, I will send you a Valentine’s Day email on February 14th. Just leave a message in the comments or send me an email.
And just to show that this blog isn’t all about the women, Sophia has volunteered to send a Valentine’s email to any forlorn, horny man who leaves a message in the comments or at my email address.
Let’s spread the love around!
I like te Anti-Valentines card idea. BRILLANT!
I’m a Valentine’s Loser. This year however I sending a shout out to all the people I love and the AVD card.
Everything Sandra said goes double for me. I don’t want to talk about it.
i’m such a valentine loser, you can’t even comment on my comment. would someone pass me a tissue while i go and cry on my own blog, guess nobody loves me after all.
**stands up**
I am a Valentine’s Day Loser… and proud of it!!
I hate chocolate!! and think stuff rodents or mammals is just creepy.
I am single… and love it (someteimes)
Thanks for starting something good Neil.
I think this is a lovely idea Neil. Except for me. I truly believe I am the orginal Valentine’s Day loser. Dating all the way back to 1968! (that was kindergarten) And could list disasters on or around Valentines Day ever since.
In my household is a moratorium on Valentines Day. There will be no flowers, cards, candy, nothing. Nada. Zip. This Holiday does not exist for me and mine.
3T
Biggest mysteries of the Western World:
1) Was there really a Noah’s Ark?
2) Did Columbus really “discover” the New World?
3) Why did the Hindenburg explode?
4) How can I know 50 incredibly sexy blogging women and still not get laid on Valentine’s Day?
Sophia, do you hear me?
Neil, you love commercialization. Admit it. (Tags: Hallmark + Card)
I’ll have to remember that there are some people who love the poetry of words so much, they even read the taqs.
I’m buying my wife a militant Muhammed for Valentime’s Day. Yes, I said ValentiMes Day. Well actually a co-worker of mine says it that way and it sure does annoy me. Happy Valentimes Day Neil and thanks for stopping by my home. Would you like some Necco hearts?
Those Necco hearts are bad for your teeth. You’re happily married, so you don’t have to care about that shit anymore. Boy, those were the good ol’ days, when you can let you gut hang out over your belt and it didn’t really matter.
i am gonna get a shirt made up that says, “I am a Valentine’s loser”- it pretty much sums up my feelings.
Once upon a time I was such a Valentine loser, I had to buy myself my own chocolates.
BACI. These are the Italian equivalent of Hershey Kisses. They were wrapped in a blue/silver foil outer wrapper that had a little lining. The lining had a saying referencing kisses. I was such a loser that I saved one of those beautifully versed linings in my journal. It said, in English and Italian: “A day without kisses is like a night without stars.”
Neil, get out there and buy some BACI for Sophia. She’ll melt at your feet.
I prefer to think of myself as a “Valentine’s Victim”. This subtle superiority complex shift helps me to think of anybody who is not lucky enough to be my Valentine as the real loser here.
Thanks, Pearl…you have inspired me…to buy myself a HUGE box of chocolates, a gallon of icecream, turn on the Lifetime channel, and “go to town”.
I am a Valentines Day loser. I hate Valentines Day so much that I refused to fly to Hawaii on the 14th, instead I booked my flight on the 15th so I wouldn’t be forced to see or hear about anyone’s valentines day.
We used to have a “bloody valentine” party on Feb 14th – NO couples allowed – it was great
*sigh*
I am a Valentine’s Day abstainer, but I’ll call myself a Valentine’s Day loser if it means I can get an email from Sophia.
Yes, Neilochka, you heard that right. I want one from S-O-P-H-I-A.
I am a Valentine’s Loser and I would love an e-mail from you Neil. It will make my day for sure
I’m not a Valentine’s Day loser, but I play one on this blog.:)
What a bunch of greedy loosers. Gimme gimme gimme.
Sophia, if you’re in town on the 14th, please join me to a fantastic Italian “Wine and chocolades” party I’m invited to; Neil – you can come too if you damp those Converses and iron your red shirt.
Valentine loser?…. not anymore.
Get my book.. 7 Habits of Highly Effective Valentine People. See results in just 3 days.. (still got time before V day hits) Moneyback guaranteed!! Order now and get 12 red roses delivered to your office! Hurry Hurry.. limited copies available.
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I am a Valentine’s Day loser
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I’m a Valentine’s looser and I like it!
Last year, (a few days before I broke up with my fiance we went out for a Valentine’s day meal. I got dressed up for the occasion in a slinky little red dress. Then boyfriend got in a huff over dinner and walked out of the tiny restuarant leaving me to pick up my things and leave just about with my dignity. This year I am soo happy that I am single, happy and have removed the possibility of a repeat scenario.
I am a total Valentine’s Day loser. I am trying to get back with my ex-boyfriend, who will be enthusiastically banging his current girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. Why do we have such an evil holiday, anyway?
yes ann it is evil for that very reason. why the hell do we fall for it? we’ve all been there haven’t we?! i’m sure you’ll get your revenge some day soon by moving on spectacularly with heath ledger..
Well I’m a valentines asshole cos I just dumped my girlfriend who was sucking the life blood out of me! Oh and I did it by email! So what?!! So I’ve sent a card to my best friend instead. Whatever!
I am DEFINATELY a Valentines Day LOZER!!! and I totally would like a comment from you!!! It seems like it always works out that way. Either me and my boyfriend have just broken up, or some hopeful hasn’t asked yet… either way… I AM TOTALLY A Valentines Day Loser!
Having dated only three times in my life, and not once since 1990, makes me the King of All Valentine’s Day Losers!!! Hooray for me!! Wait, where are you going? Come back! Please?…