Valentine’s Day has always been tough for us.   The pressure of Valentine’s Day, with all the hullabaloo and candy-giving, makes us question our already unsteady relationship.  How can we ever live up to the romantic images on those Hallmark cards? 

Sophia and I got into a fight on the night before Valentine’s Day.   I went to find somewhere else to sleep.   I felt uncomfortable calling up a friend, so I drove to the nearest Holiday Inn to see if they had any availability.  All the rooms were booked except for the “Honeymoon Suite” with a Jacuzzi for $250 dollars.  See: Irony.  I was too tired to keep on driving, so I went back home and parked my car in the driveway, exactly where I started.  I went into the backseat, curled up, and decided to go to sleep, using my sweater as a pillow.  I had always heard of people sleeping in their car.  Hey, it was almost cool – like I was in a rock band!   I was woken up a few hours later by the metallic sounds of a torrential rain storm pounding on the roof of the car.  I felt like I was stuck in a car wash that had been taken over by HAL from 2001.  It was noisy, the rain and wind shaking the car.  I don’t know how I did it, but I fell asleep again.

In the morning, I woke up.  Have any of you ever opened your eyes in the morning and realized that you were sleeping in the back seat of your car?  If you have, you will understand how I felt.  I stumbled out of the car, my legs all stiff and asleep.  Standing a few feet away was my next door neighbor, a well-dressed attorney in her business suit, heading for her Lexus.  I stuck my head back into the car, moving my hands back and forth, making believe that she just caught me “cleaning out the back seat” of the car.

“Good Morning, Lindsay,” I said.

“Hello, Neil.” she said, sternly. 

I’m not sure I fooled her – at all.

I walked over to Starbucks, where I peed and washed my face, like a homeless man, feeling like Starbucks Inc. owed me for all those overpriced lattes.  A few hours later, I headed to Beverly Hills for a meeting with a Hollywood producer!   The meeting went well.  Maybe he mistook the “fire in my eyes” for my bloodshot look from sleeping in the car.

I’ve been in a hotel since then.  

Why am I telling you all this?  I probably shouldn’t be.  I have all these new, wonderful people coming here to read interviews, so it is a bit uncomfortable airing my dirty laundry, but as every blogger knows, a personal blog is about both the good and bad of life.  We’ve all been there, and I am inspired by the openness of many of you.

I love Sophia.   We have some problems.  Some of you have been reading about us for three years now.  We both attend therapy, but are finding it difficult to fix things.  Maybe living together while “separated” is not the answer.

Who’s at fault here?   Well,  you would hear very different stories depending on who told the tale, but basically we are both responsible for our own marriage. 

Today is Sophia’s birthday.   She’s probably upset.  I hope I get to see her later, but if I don’t, I hope she does something fun to celebrate her special day.  Please wish Sophia a happy birthday.  She’s a big part of this blog and I know many of you care about her.  

Happy birthday, Sophia.

I’m sorry a day late with my official Valentine’s Day greeting. I like to celebrate the holiday online, but it just didn’t happen this year. Besides, the roses are cheaper the next day. Give me another day or two. I have some stuff going on.

And thanks, Nina. You made my Valentine’s day!

With Valentine’s Day coming up, I’d like to talk about kissing.  One of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned about life is this — women like kissing.   I’m not a natural kisser.  I’m have a feeling that most men are not born kissers.  In my younger days, the kissing was just an excuse to set the clock into motion before my hands came out to feel the woman up.   Who wants to be stuck at “first base!”  If you told your friends that you kissed a girl, you got a big yawn in return.  But if you touched her BOOBIES — then you were a hero!    Even now, at night, deep in sleep, when my mind is at the most open and aware, I rarely have a vivid dream about me KISSING a woman, if you get what I mean.  Well, kissing may be involved, but it isn’t the main goal of the exercise, if you get what I mean.

Even after many years of marriage, I’m not the greatest kisser.   Ask Sophia.   This is very difficult for me to admit to the general public, but I think it is important to make other men feel comfortable with themselves and their less than stellar kissing abilities.   If I can admit it, so can you, Mr. Blogging Guy.  Together we can learn to study and improve, and make our women happier.  My biggest problem is that I’ve never perfected the whole kissing and breathing at the same time.  After a bit, I need air.  Maybe if I fix my deviated septum, then I can breathe better through my nose.  It’s sad, really.  I’ve tried to make up for my less-than stellar kissing in many ways, but it always comes back to the kissing.  Is there a class at UCLA?  I have a feeling that my admitting the truth about my kissing may lose me some important female readership, but I think it is important to keep this blog honest. 

Blogging has only made the situation worse.  I’ve IMed with many women, and have heard countless stories of how important a first kiss can be in making your decision to date someone.  Some of you even REJECT a perfectly good man because of a mediocre peck on the cheek.  You can apparently tell tons of information from the locking of lips:  how good he will be in bed, his earning potential, his social security number, and even what your children will look like.

I have one single blogging friend who likes to tell me the intimate details of her dating life.  She IMed me this morning, telling me about this amazing date she went on last night. 

“I had two orgasms.” she said.

‘Wow.  Did you stay over at his place?”

“No, this was outside the movie theater.”

“You had sex outside the movie theater?!”

“No, silly.  We were kissing.”

“You had TWO orgasms by kissing him?!”

“He’s a really good KISSER!”

Jeez.  Even my Penis was depressed hearing this news.  He likes to believe that he is always the main attraction.

I do remember that, as a teenager, I practiced kissing by making out with my arm, sticking my tongue into the pores and slobbering all over the elbows, until my ARM got fed up and threw me off, saying she’d had enough of my wimpy kisses.

Lucky, the digital age offers a new way to kiss a woman — and a place to live and learn.  It is called Facebook.  Over the past few days, I’ve been getting all sorts of messages that women want me to “Kiss Them.”  And who I am to say no?  So, this morning,  I downloaded this “Send a Kiss” application, all ready to give some hot babes a few orgasms through my virtual kisses.

A few hours later, my bad kissing karma remains — even online.  How the f**k do you use this application?  Am I too old, or stupid?  Am I supposed to be sending a kiss or asking for a kiss?  Do I HAVE to send kisses to “twenty of my friends?”   What is the difference between kissme, most kissed, kisslog, kiss fortune cookie, and kiss crushes?  When did kissing become so complicated?

Maybe I need to first practice on my virtual arm.

(photo by sudergal, on flickr)

The Valentine’s Day Emergency Hotline at mister_valentinesday (Yahoo IM)

Are you alone on Valentine’s Day? Is the only Valentine’s Day Card you received the one from the supermarket with a discount coupon for Dannon Yogurt? Did you lie to your fraternity brothers, saying you’re not going out on Valentine’s Day because you just HAVE to watch “American Idol” live? Did your husband forget to buy you one of those cutesy stuffed bears from CVS Pharmacy that plays “Love Me Do” when you press his tummy? Did you just find out that your girlfriend is having an affair with her Pilates instructor and you’re going to your pre-paid Valentine’s Day dinner at some fancy restaurant with your mother? Did your father never say “I Love You” enough when you were a child? Have you been going to therapy for more than fifteen years because of “commitment issues?” Are you a perv who just can’t get enough loving? Do you sometimes wish you had two wives, one blond and one brunette? Would you leave your husband for George Clooney… in a New York minute? Do you believe that what the world needs now is love, love, love?

It doesn’t matter if you are single, in a relationship, married, divorced, whatever — you still can yearn for more love. Can anyone have too much love? And Valentine’s Day just adds pressure to us all. You might hate it, but this supposedly romantic day is in your face for half of the month of February, like a red zit. You want to feel that certain glow, that special romantic feel you read about in books, but how? Hallmark Cards are so old-fashioned, and so corny. We live in a fast-paced world, and sometimes we require some care and tenderness NOW — WHEN WE WANT IT.

And now it is a possible… at least on Valentine’s Day. Through the combined efforts of internet technology and the generous time of regular bloggers like you, we are proud to introduce the Valentine’s Day Emergency Hotline. During February 14th, any time you are feeling the need for a little Valentine’s Day boost, just go to mister_valentinesday at Yahoo IM, and a real live Mr. Valentine and Ms. Valentine will give you some love. These are not recorded messages, like the type you would get if you tried to contact Microsoft or Verizon. These are real live people who want to make your Valentine’s Day extra special.

Feeling down because the woman at the next cubicle got a bouquet of 48 red roses, and you have NOTHING on your desk other than paperwork? Are you sad because that sexy English grad student doesn’t want to “be your valentine?” Are you just looking for a little extra romance in your life?

Go to the Valentine’s Day Emergency Hotline at mister_valentinesday (Yahoo IM) on February 14th and FEEL THE LOVE!

Special thanks to Buzzgirl, Hilly, Retropolitan, Mo, Girl and Dog, PocketCT, Teahouseblossom, Ms. Sizzle, Alissa, Atomic Bombshell, Journey to Blissville, and Jurgen Nation.

Hours of operation: Valentine’s Day — 9:00 AM EST/6:00 AM PST to 3:00 AM EST/12:00 MIDNIGHT PST

Anyone who wants to cover Europe, Asia, or any other time zones - E-mail me.

sorry, Fabio, you were voted off.

model for Mr. “Valentine’s Day”

model for Ms. “Valentine’s Day”

OK, we’re on for Valentine’s Day! I’m in the process of emailing out tentative time slots now (read here to learn more).

We will be open for business from 9AM EST until 3AM EST! Anyone who is lonely or needs some Valentine’s Day cheer can IM mister_valentinesday on yahoo IM and get some lovin’ from a real live person. I gave myself the last late night slot, thinking that this will be the time when most single women will be drunk and desperate. Ha Ha –I’m not stupid!

There is one problem left. Yesterday, I was talking with a blogger, and she said, “I like Stacy from Jurgen Nation and all, but I’m not sure I really want to log in and chat with her on Valentine’s Day and have her think that I’m a Valentine’s Day loser.”

Let me make something clear. All the people who are doing this experiment with me are hand-picked exactly because they are as miserable as you in some aspect of their lives. Think about it. What type of NUT would volunteer to participate in this? These are EXACTLY the type of people you want to chat with in order to feel good about yourself on Valentine’s Day.

And remember — you are NOT chatting with some anonymous blogger or Stacy from Jurgen Nation. You will be chatting with the very handsome and romantic Mr. Valentine’s Day or the glamorous Ms. Valentine’s Day, depending on who you want to be YOUR VALENTINE.

But we still need your help. We still need to create these wonderful personas — Mr. Valentine’s Day and Ms. Valentine’s Day. What are their characteristics? Since Valentine’s Day is supposedly about romance, I think these icons should have the traits of the “ideal” man and woman. Your input is essential in helping us “understand” our roles. Like Robert De Niro, we want to BECOME the characters. This means if I am on IM duty and a man shows up, depressed because he didn’t get any Valentine’s Day cards, I should be ready to immediately jump into the role of Ms. Valentine’s Day and “make his day” by telling him he is “my valentine.”

So what are the characteristics of the ideal man AND woman, so we can all better play one on Valentine’s Day? Attractive? Romantic? Honest? Sense of humor? Great ass? We need to hear from both men and women.

A year ago this week, I wrote a post titled, “Today, We Are All Valentine’s Losers.” In it, I made a offer to my readers. If they revealed in the comments that they were a “Valentine’s Day” Loser (meaning the only card they get is from their mother), I (OR Sophia) would send them a personalized Valentine’s Day email on February 14th in order to give them some love.

It was a great success.

Afterwards, a friendly blogger asked me why I chose to spend my time caring for others who may be less fortunate than myself.

Hold onto your seats because this is going to shock you — I have not always been so lucky to have a beautiful woman at my side on Valentine’s Day (that is if she doesn’t kick me out by next week). Yes, I’ve been there in the past. I clearly remember the shame and misery of being alone on Valentine’s Day.

But times have changed for me. Yes, sir! Now, Valentine’s Day is not about sadness and isolation. It is all about STRESS and INSECURITY. Do you know hard it is for me to deal with Valentine’s Day AND Sophia’s Birthday all in the SAME WEEK?! And I’m always doing something to screw things up. I mean really, what’s wrong with getting flowers on February 15th when the prices are 40% less than the day before?!

Still, I would like to do my part and reach out to those who get down on themselves this time of year, even though the unattached should should be celebrating that you DON’T have to go to some overpriced restaurant. But I understand human nature. The grass is always greener.

I was going to send emails again to whoever wanted it, but I changed my mind. I’d like to do things differently this year.

And I need your help.

Although I recently said I hate IM, I think it also has potential for good, so today I registered for the Yahoo IM account mister_valentinesday. It will only be open for one day, Valentine’s Day. On that day, any lovelorn person can come by and get an “I love you” from a REAL LIVE PERSON, sort of the equivalent of “V-day customer service,” or a “suicide hotline for depressed single people on February 14th.”

But I can’t do it alone. I can’t sit on IM all day. What if no one shows up? But being a generous soul, I still think it is worth it, even if it is just ONE person. But I can only give three hours of my time. So, I would like MORE bloggers to volunteer to take three hour shifts that day on mister_valentinesday. That way, ANYONE who gets too depressed at ANY TIME from 8AM-5PM, can come and get some real live love.

Imagine the scenario –

It is February 14th. You are in your cubicle, your eyes bloodshot from crying all night after you heard that your ex-boyfriend is getting married to your former best friend. Meanwhile, all the men in the office are flirting with the blond in the cubicle next to you and giving her Valentine’s Day cards. Several of her suitors have even sent her bouquets of flowers, and even the delivery guy from FTD asks for her phone number. Cute stuffed animals are all over her desk. And what’s on your desk? — paperwork, a diet Coke, some donuts from Krispy Kreme that will put you over your Weight Watchers point level for the next three months, and a photo of your ex-boyfriend who is marrying your former best friend.

You are at your lowest.

You overhear the phone conversation of some male co-worker sitting nearby, talking to his wife, saying, “I love you honeykins, my little muffinhead… I love you more than the whole wide world!”

You decide your life is worthless. You’re never going to find your soul mate. Even your cats have begun to ignore you. You decide to go into the women’s bathroom, tie a bunch of pantyliners together, and hang yourself with them.

But wait — didn’t you read on Citizen of the Month about some IM address that will be available ALL DAY where someone LIVE will say “I love you” to cheer you up? A yahoo IM address of mister_valentinesday?

“I have a reason to live” you yell, standing at attention. “Someone does love me!”

If WE can help just one blogger on Valentine’s Day, our work will be done. Any volunteers who want to donate three hours of their time?

Happy Valentine’s Day, Sophia!

Happy Valentine’s Day, Mom!

Happy Valentine’s Day, Beautiful Bloggers of the Blogosphere! 

May We All Find True Love and Blog About it!

And now for your listening pleasure, I sing the classic "Love Will Keep Us Together," originally sung by the Captain and Tennille. 

My voice may not be perfect, but my heart is in the right place.

Next week, is one of the most dreaded days of the year, Valentine’s Day.    The whole concept of this commercialized holiday is more offensive to me than any Danish cartoon.  I know I will not be reading any blogs that day.  I don’t want to read about your "hubby" buying you some overpriced flowers or that you bought your cute girlfriend a little teddy bear that says "I love you, sweet ass" when you press his tummy.

First of all it’s rude.  Don’t you realize how many people don’t have sweeties in their lives?  Believe me, I’ve been there.  Don’t you remember when you used to cry on Valentines’ Day?    Suddenly you landed some dorky partner and now you want to shove it in everyone’s face.

Things work differently here at Citizen of the Month.  At this blog, EVERYONE IS A VALENTINE’S LOSER.  Imagine the scene in "Dead Poet’s Society" when all the students got on their desks and said "I’m a dead poet," or whatever they said in that melodramatic movie. 

That’s why I SINCERELY suggest that we all stand with our comrades-in-blog who are single and miserable, and write –

"I am a Valentine’s Loser"

– in the comments to this post.  What a great way to make the REAL LOSERS feel better about themselves!  And that’s what blogging is all about, isn’t it?

Of course you might be asking yourself, "What do you know about being a loser, Neilochka?  After all, you have Sophia."

Did you forget that I’m separated?  That I live in this crappy bachelor pad?  That I’d like to have some woman playing with my penis rather than me talking to it all the time?

Yes, I’m a loser –

just like all the rest of you shlubs. 

And don’t think you can wriggle out of this just because you have a wife or a boyfriend. 

You may be confident now, with your snotty nose held high.  But think about it.  Maybe your wife will leave you, fed up with all the time you spend blogging rather than taking care of her sexual needs.  Or if you’re a female blogger, maybe you’ll come home one day and find your husband shagging your blogging pal from Chicago.  Who’s in trouble now?  

So, even if you are happy now, there is a high probability that you will be a future Valentine’s Day Loser. 

So, don’t feel so sure of yourself.

So, come, let’s stand together across the blogosphere and write in the comments here –

"I am a Valentine’s Loser."

That said, I don’t want anyone feeling depressed on February 14.   There is nothing sadder than just getting one Valentine’s Day card every year — from your mother.  (yes, my mother still sends me a card). 

If you are in that situation, would you like to have an extremely sexy blogger sending you a personalized Valentine’s email?

Yes, if you are depressed,  I will send you a Valentine’s Day email on February 14th.  Just leave a message in the comments or send me an email.

And just to show that this blog isn’t all about the women, Sophia has volunteered to send a Valentine’s email to any forlorn, horny man who leaves a message in the comments or at my email address.

Let’s spread the love around!