the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: February 14

The Blogosphere’s Valentine’s Day Emergency Hotline

(photo by sudergal, on flickr)

The Valentine’s Day Emergency Hotline at mister_valentinesday (Yahoo IM)

Are you alone on Valentine’s Day? Is the only Valentine’s Day Card you received the one from the supermarket with a discount coupon for Dannon Yogurt? Did you lie to your fraternity brothers, saying you’re not going out on Valentine’s Day because you just HAVE to watch “American Idol” live? Did your husband forget to buy you one of those cutesy stuffed bears from CVS Pharmacy that plays “Love Me Do” when you press his tummy? Did you just find out that your girlfriend is having an affair with her Pilates instructor and you’re going to your pre-paid Valentine’s Day dinner at some fancy restaurant with your mother? Did your father never say “I Love You” enough when you were a child? Have you been going to therapy for more than fifteen years because of “commitment issues?” Are you a perv who just can’t get enough loving? Do you sometimes wish you had two wives, one blond and one brunette? Would you leave your husband for George Clooney… in a New York minute? Do you believe that what the world needs now is love, love, love?

It doesn’t matter if you are single, in a relationship, married, divorced, whatever — you still can yearn for more love. Can anyone have too much love? And Valentine’s Day just adds pressure to us all. You might hate it, but this supposedly romantic day is in your face for half of the month of February, like a red zit. You want to feel that certain glow, that special romantic feel you read about in books, but how? Hallmark Cards are so old-fashioned, and so corny. We live in a fast-paced world, and sometimes we require some care and tenderness NOW — WHEN WE WANT IT.

And now it is a possible… at least on Valentine’s Day. Through the combined efforts of internet technology and the generous time of regular bloggers like you, we are proud to introduce the Valentine’s Day Emergency Hotline. During February 14th, any time you are feeling the need for a little Valentine’s Day boost, just go to mister_valentinesday at Yahoo IM, and a real live Mr. Valentine and Ms. Valentine will give you some love. These are not recorded messages, like the type you would get if you tried to contact Microsoft or Verizon. These are real live people who want to make your Valentine’s Day extra special.

Feeling down because the woman at the next cubicle got a bouquet of 48 red roses, and you have NOTHING on your desk other than paperwork? Are you sad because that sexy English grad student doesn’t want to “be your valentine?” Are you just looking for a little extra romance in your life?

Go to the Valentine’s Day Emergency Hotline at mister_valentinesday (Yahoo IM) on February 14th and FEEL THE LOVE!

Special thanks to Buzzgirl, Hilly, Retropolitan, Mo, Girl and Dog, PocketCT, Teahouseblossom, Ms. Sizzle, Alissa, Atomic Bombshell, Journey to Blissville, and Jurgen Nation.

Hours of operation: Valentine’s Day — 9:00 AM EST/6:00 AM PST to 3:00 AM EST/12:00 MIDNIGHT PST

Anyone who wants to cover Europe, Asia, or any other time zones – E-mail me.

Today, We Are All Valentine’s Losers


Next week, is one of the most dreaded days of the year, Valentine’s Day.    The whole concept of this commercialized holiday is more offensive to me than any Danish cartoon.  I know I will not be reading any blogs that day.  I don’t want to read about your "hubby" buying you some overpriced flowers or that you bought your cute girlfriend a little teddy bear that says "I love you, sweet ass" when you press his tummy.

First of all it’s rude.  Don’t you realize how many people don’t have sweeties in their lives?  Believe me, I’ve been there.  Don’t you remember when you used to cry on Valentines’ Day?    Suddenly you landed some dorky partner and now you want to shove it in everyone’s face.

Things work differently here at Citizen of the Month.  At this blog, EVERYONE IS A VALENTINE’S LOSER.  Imagine the scene in "Dead Poet’s Society" when all the students got on their desks and said "I’m a dead poet," or whatever they said in that melodramatic movie. 

That’s why I SINCERELY suggest that we all stand with our comrades-in-blog who are single and miserable, and write —

"I am a Valentine’s Loser"

— in the comments to this post.  What a great way to make the REAL LOSERS feel better about themselves!  And that’s what blogging is all about, isn’t it?

Of course you might be asking yourself, "What do you know about being a loser, Neilochka?  After all, you have Sophia."

Did you forget that I’m separated?  That I live in this crappy bachelor pad?  That I’d like to have some woman playing with my penis rather than me talking to it all the time?

Yes, I’m a loser —

just like all the rest of you shlubs. 

And don’t think you can wriggle out of this just because you have a wife or a boyfriend. 

You may be confident now, with your snotty nose held high.  But think about it.  Maybe your wife will leave you, fed up with all the time you spend blogging rather than taking care of her sexual needs.  Or if you’re a female blogger, maybe you’ll come home one day and find your husband shagging your blogging pal from Chicago.  Who’s in trouble now?  

So, even if you are happy now, there is a high probability that you will be a future Valentine’s Day Loser. 

So, don’t feel so sure of yourself.

So, come, let’s stand together across the blogosphere and write in the comments here —

"I am a Valentine’s Loser."

That said, I don’t want anyone feeling depressed on February 14.   There is nothing sadder than just getting one Valentine’s Day card every year — from your mother.  (yes, my mother still sends me a card). 

If you are in that situation, would you like to have an extremely sexy blogger sending you a personalized Valentine’s email?

Yes, if you are depressed,  I will send you a Valentine’s Day email on February 14th.  Just leave a message in the comments or send me an email.

And just to show that this blog isn’t all about the women, Sophia has volunteered to send a Valentine’s email to any forlorn, horny man who leaves a message in the comments or at my email address.

Let’s spread the love around!

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