Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Blogger’s Fashion Emergency

I know many of you wonder what it would be like to meet me.  I know you visualize me as someone ultra-sophisticated and artistic-looking, a cross between George Clooney and Bono.  But I have a feeling that when you finally meet me, your first thought will be, "Gee, Neilochka dresses really bad."

I know this is a shock to you:

I have very little fashion sense. 

I went from being dressed by my mother as a child, to dressing myself shitty in black "Queen" concert t-shirts as a teenager, to being dressed by Sophia, back to dressing myself shitty again.

Here is my current uniform:

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My father wasn’t a very good dresser, either, but at least he wore a shirt and tie everywhere.  And I mean EVERYWHERE, even to the beach.  We once had to leave this touristy "Cowboy" steak restaurant in Tucson because there was a sign reading "No ties allowed.  We will cut them in half."  And there was an actual guy with scissors standing at the front door. 

We ate at the Olive Garden instead.

DING DONG. 

"Oh, it’s the door.  What is this?   Danny?  Akaky?  Melissa?  Helen from Malaysia?  Is this a Blogger’s Fashion Emergency?  Sophia, did you set this up?

Where are you all going?  Into my closet?  You’re not throwing out all my clothes, are you? Not the Queen t-shirt!  I know it’s too small.  But isn’t that bearing-midriff style fashionable now?  And That’s Freddy Mercury on the back of the shirt.  The "Bohemian Rhapsody" guy.  I can sell that shirt on E-bay!"

In honor of New York’s Fashion Week, I am going to transform myself into a stylish man this weekend.. 

For my makeover, which of these fashionable looks do you most prefer?

1)

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2)

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3)

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4)

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5)

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6)

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My hair is also a mess.

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Which hairstyle would work best for me?

1)

fashion12.jpg

2)

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3)

fashion14.jpg

4)

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5)

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6)

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Thanks in advance!  I know I can always depend on my readers for good advice.

59 Comments

  1. Here is some advice from the “Straight Guy for the Straight Guy.”

    Go with 4 and 5 on the clothes and shave your head bald before you do any of the hairstyles you listed.

  2. Re. clothes, you’re a 4 or a 5. As for the hair, go with the same (but not #4 and #5 of the hair models — go with the clothes models’)

    Isn’t there some Fashion Emergency/Makeover Show you could apply to be on, on TV? It would make a great blog story.

  3. First of all Neil, do you think you could at least make your bed before inviting us all in? Secondly…you wear Converse? Why would you want to change? I say, don’t ever change.

  4. honestly i prefer the shirt you’re wearing in your photo. what is that? mohair?

    sadly, i’m afraid i am in no position to give any fashion advice whatsoever being in that i still sport a members only jacket and have an unhealthy obsession with yellow sweatpants.

  5. The clothes AND hair from #4 for more ‘formal’ occasions. (Though he seems to be wearing pleated pants–no pleated pants! Flat-front only.)

    Keep the jeans and converse–very cool and retro hip. Dump the short-sleeve button up shirts for funky t-shirts and flannel overshirts. Do the grunge thing–I bet it will work for you.

  6. I love the fact that you posted a photo of your bedroom being such a mess–that is true blogging intimacy. But what’s with the sad little TV set? You can get at least a 19-inch set for a song these days. Possibly even a flat screen. The 70s dresser is sorta cool though.

    I love the Converse shoes but no socks? Eww. Everything else in your closet can be cleaned and burned and I’m guessing that Sophia would happily light the first match. I think #5 is the only outfit you could possibly get away with. For hair I’d go with #2 or #5.

    P.S. I’ve been wearing the same jeans and XL sweatshirt for about two weeks now so take all my advice with extreme caution. And I’m insanely jealous of your full head of hair so I can’t be trusted there either.

  7. otay neil.

    Clothes: 1) too Stayin Alive 2) too Nick Rhodes aka 80’s New Wave 3) too Jesus Christ superstar. 4)too something. 5) could work 6)too Jack Mcfarland aka Will and Grace

    choice: 4 or 5 or just buy an iron

    Hair: you have Harry Potter hair which is in. Not NYC Fashion in but keep it cause I am not commenting on the hair pics unless you go for choice 6. Then I want a picture 10X12.

  8. Clearly the mullet! But with the texture of #6. I think it would be a lovely combination.

    As for the clothes, do you think it’d be possible to combine the short jacket in #2 with the thorn-tiara of #3 and the white of #1.

    You really CAN have it all…

  9. Number 1 and shave the head, but keep the sun glasses

  10. I like #4 on the clothes and #1 on the hair – and you are too cute..

  11. I LOVE the outfit of number 4! Very grown-up, casual business. Screams successful Neil!

    #5 reminds me far too much of this spoiled Jewish boy who I gave my virginity to at age 18.

    The hair models….*grimaces*

    I think you should go with the hair on the clothes model of number 4 as well.

    3T

  12. I vote for #2’s outfit. But see if you can borrow #3’s tiara.

    Or if you are really looking for serious advice, I second everything TWM said.

  13. The midriff-bearing Queen t-shirt would look great under #3 with your own messy, bedroom hair.

  14. To tell you the truth, I’d prefer it if you were wearing ME. However, I’ll play along. As to the clothing…#4 or #5. As for the hair: NONE of those will do. I do think, however, that the hairstyles on #5 or #6 Clothes Guys are quite nice.

  15. oh my, those feet again!!!
    for stepping out with the babes #4, but lose that crown of thorns thing he’s got going on
    as for the hair, #1 too much product, #2 nice cheekbones who cares about the hair, #3 too much product in a windstorm, #4 looks like he came from the set of a 80’s sitcom, #5 child molestor look, #6 eeeekkkkkk.

  16. Go with #5 from the clothing for hair. And just get a rocknroll t-shirt, some expensive jeans and a blazer. You could be hipster New York–a shout out to your roots–in LA.

  17. Seeing those Chuck Taylors on your big bare bare feet just made me wet. Don’t go changin’ for us Neil. We like you just the way you are.

  18. I say style 4 or 5 for clothes and the guy in the clothing pic #4 for hair.

  19. TWM – If I do #4, do I have to constantly have my head tilted to the left like that? And I always thought it was inpolite to stand with my hands in my pocket like that.

    Brando –Jeez, that old camera is better than I thought if you can see that detail.

    Danny — I’m surprised no one liked #6? Isn’t he like a up-and-coming executive type golfing on the weekend?

    3Times — I was actually going for the “spoiled Jewish boy who women give their virginity to” look. Isn’t #4 a little dull — like a prep school teacher?

    Trix — when you say that you’d “prefer it if you were wearing Me,” does that mean you are a fashion designer or do you mean that you would look good “on me” in the way I hope you mean.

    Tatyana — Do other men actually iron their shirts?

    MA — You mean the Ryan Seacrest look.

    Lauren — Hey, that would make a good Billy Joel song.

    Brooke — why do you always say exactly the right thing to turn me on. You sound just like my mother — and you know how Jewish guys love that.

  20. The way you hope I mean it, of course! Silly, silly boy.

  21. Dude – Love your site and check it out everyday, but all those pictures of male models just didn’t seem right! Then again, you have a ton of women addicted to it – maybe you’re a genius. I don’t know.

    Either way, I still feel all weird inside. Like when the girls at the office are huddled around one computer and I peak in on my way by and its a picture of some mostly naked male dancer. Then they all laugh at me as if they just pulled one over on the “boss man”.

    Anyhow, dress however you feel the best – if you like the Converse, stick with the Chuck Taylors regardless of what anyone says!

  22. Neil, re. hairstyle #6: I think the Jewfro went out in the late seventies…
    (I should know, I had one.)

  23. Thank you, Brian, for bringing this up to me. And nice blog yourself! I am a real sucker for a pretty face and I have been criticized for catering too much to the ladies. And do they really deserve it? Damn no! We both know how women really operate –they love you, they take your money, and then they toss you into the street when someone better comes along.

    I think it’s time for me to do another male-only post. I don’t want you to feel embarrassed to come here, thinking it’s too girly. I think it is important to hang out with the guys without the distraction of these devious “femme fatales.”

    So, what’s a good male topic to talk about? Let’s see — do you watch “All My Children” by any chance? Sophia and I noticed something really weird yesterday. Half of the characters’ names begin with “J” — Jonathan, J.R., Josh, Jackson, Julia, Jamie, and Joe? Isn’t that weird? What does that all mean?

  24. Three for clothes! Four for hair!

    Trust me, chicks dig mullets, especially when they are topped with silver crowns of thorns (you’ll get the non-Jews for sure!) and when you’re wearing Judy Jetson’s home ec assignment.

  25. And Neil, that shirt is terrible. TERRIBLE. As in if I had the chance to rip it off of you, I would, but only so I could run away with it and burn it. ;P

  26. I’ve always felt that all men needed to do in order to look fashionable is to wear hip shoes. Crappy jeans with boat shoes? Dork. Crappy jeans with funky square toed black shoes? Hot.

    You men have it so easy… 😉

    ps – Chuck Taylors are H.O.T.

  27. I’m so out of it, I didn’t even know that these were called Chuck Taylors. And what’s so hot about them anyway? I actually bought them because they were cheap. Does that mean if I buy all of my clothes CHEAP, like at K-Mart, that I will be even HOTTER?

  28. Haha! A good male topic is boobies – men love ’em and women are almost just as fascinated with ’em. Now that I say that – I might have to do a boobie post…

  29. Brian — Perfect! I see we have one common interest. I’m bored by typical men’s talk about sports and the stock market, but boobs, that’s up my alley. Brian, feast your eyes on this lovely post. Hopefully, you’ll now feel better about making a trip to this site.

    Trix — I’ll wear my shoes if you wear yours.

  30. Clothes… Go Banana Republic. I like the colors in No. 4, but only pipe smoking old men wear tweed like that. And I agree with whoever said previously that pleats on the trousers were not our friend. No. 5 is nice, but it’s just so… beige. Odds are high that most of what is in your closet is ok, it just needs to be pressed. (It better not need laundering if it’s in the closet.)

    Sugar, don’t you dare cut your hair off, it’s perfect for a girl to run her fingers through or feel against her neck. Just a neat trim for shape so that it’s a bit more structured – like No. 2.

    And I love your glasses, they are almost exactly like mine.

    One last thing. Make the bed. No girl will want to climb into that with you if she has to worry about the last time the linens were laundered.

    Oh… I really tried to not say this… burn the freaking chuck taylors. You’re a grown man.

  31. Men who iron their shirts: don’t ask me, I have very limited pool of lab subjects to draw any conclusions.

    Thank you, Brooke, for saying out loud what we all thought; there are clearly some pluses in being a teacher.

  32. Dont’ go changin’ … we love you just the way you are. Although I’d love to see that fro on you. A good fro never goes out of style, right?

  33. i would have said #1 then i looked again at #3 and holy christo, is that guy wearing a disco crown of thorns!??!? LOL! it is!

    go with #3.

    but without the jacket.

  34. Ohhh! I love playing dress up! So much fun! Ok – go with #2 and hair #3 – just to liven it up a bit, then when you come back to your senses… 4 or 5, and forget the hair options, go with the hair from the fashion shots.

    Course, we want pics when you do dress up like this you know.

  35. Moral of the story. Girls never really finish playing with their dolls. When they get older they just dress up their men.

  36. Definitely 4 and 5. As for the hair… don’t do anything to them. Jus be thankful you still have them.

    Oh…. I get it!! THis ain’t about your fashion change… You just want to show us your messy bed and tell us the amount of activity there !!

    OK, stud, nice try. lol

  37. I don’t know… the mullet isn’t so much a hairstyle as it is a life choice…. do you think you can handle that?

  38. #4 and #2. I love the Chia pet hair guy!
    Namaste.
    ~HDJ

  39. You sent me such a nice email yesterday, I feel really bad making fun of your back hair.

  40. Don’t chuck the Chucks.

    Ask the nice lady at the gap to show you a pair of pants. Then get half a dozen button-downs. Roll the sleeves up, just a touch, and tuck something nerdy in the shirt pocket. Voila.

    God. Life would be so easy if I were a man.

  41. Wear what you feel comfy in, as long as it’s not sweats to the Ivy.

  42. Screeeeaaam! lol!

    That comment about your Dad wearing ties remimded me of Bernadette Chirac. It’s been on the iskand that when she and Mr. El Presidente come over for holidays to tan on our beaches she stolls in “tailleu” (suit) on the beach!!!

    The “thing” hanging in a doubtful orange color isn’t ironed? What is it, a shirt? kurta? kaftan?

    That your bed? lol! You could have given the room some semblance of order before showing us in! lol!

    The clothes I, think # 1 and 4 and great and the hair # 2 and 5. ut then Neil, I met your toe only so I can’t really advice you here till I see da whole of you!

    lol! You’re one funny Guy!

    Fitèna

  43. I’m going with three and three.

  44. Oh, and clean your room dammit.

  45. What? No goth option?!? Isn’t about time that the goth look went mainstream?

    Oh well.

    I say take a Bedazzler to #4 so you have a nice rhinestone cowboy thing going on, then go for the #3 cut and dye your hair blue.

    I get all my fashion-sense from Japanese manga-porn.

  46. So when’s the big “reveal”, Neil?

  47. I reckon just go the back wax, and your life will change forever.

  48. I’m a man. I’m supposed to have hair on my back! And on neck. And on my arms. And on my chest. The other men are just boys.

  49. How would you even shave your back? You would need some sort of extension to the razor.

  50. I’d go with 5 and 1.

    A 5 and 1 man would be teh hot.

  51. In my humble opinion: #5 and #5 🙂

  52. Neilochka…

    Your clothes will never conceal your fantastic personality, so I don’t think it really matters much, but I do have one thought for you – perhaps if you IRONED the items you plan on wearing, you wouldn’t look so…..how shall I say?…..so…..disheveled.

    Also, I lived in Tucson for over 15 years and I know the exact place you’re talking about – Pinnacle Peak Steakhouse in Trail Dust Town!!! Check it out people: http://www.pinnaclepeaktucson.com

    Neil is absolutely right – they cut your tie right in half and hang them all over the ceiling! 🙂

  53. Who needs to copy a model’s style when they’re already looking like Andy Warhol behind their camera. Messy hair, glasses, camera! WoW! You’ve got the look, Neil! Oh, How does Andyochka sound?

  54. I think 3 and 2. That whole metallic Christ look #3 has going on is just wow. I mean, add that long hair in there and you’ll be all set. 😉

  55. 1. Clean your room, Neil.

    2. Brando wears yellow sweatpants? Eeew.

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