I spent over an hour on Twitter this morning, wishing various bloggers a Happy Birthday. I’m only writing about this minor life experience because I think by exploring it with you, I will give you some insights into how my brain works, and why I should return to therapy or at least quit Twitter.
Today is the birthday of Schmutzie, a blogger from SK, Canada. I have known her online for five years. I wrote a sentimental tweet to her today about how I cried from joy the first time I met her in person at BlogHer. A little corny, but heart-felt.
Then I worried that it was a little too personal to be writing this in public. But it was too late.
Today is the birthday of The Bloggess, a blogger from Texas. She is one of the most popular humor bloggers online. Hundreds of people were wishing her happy birthday on Twitter. I didn’t want to get my message getting lost in the crowd, so I DM-ed her a “Happy Birthday, Jenny!”
Then I worried that sending her a DM rather than a public happy birthday was a little too personal. But it was too late.
Today is the birthday of Magpie Musing, a blogger from New York. I recently saw her at a party in New York and she is really cool. I had already wished her a happy birthday on Facebook, so I didn’t think it was necessary to wish her a happy birthday again on Twitter. But then I figured she would surely see my glowing birthday tweet of love for Schmutzie, and she would end up hating me for the rest of my life. So I wrote a “Happy Birthday, Maggie” to her.
Then I worried that I was sending her too many Happy Birthday messages, and she might be wondering if I am hitting on her, or worse — stalking her.
Today is the birthday of Mimi Smartypants. We are not friends and we don’t follow each other on Twitter. But I have read her blog a few times, and she is a great writer, and always wanted for her to follow ME on Twitter. So, I crassly sent her a birthday message on Twitter for the sole reason of her noticing me, and then hopefully saying to herself, “Who is this kind gentleman sending me this happy birthday message? I must immediately go read his blog and comment on it, and then follow him on Twitter, because he is wonderful.”
Then I worried that I looked like a kiss-ass by sending her that Tweet.
After I send all these messages, I wanted to make sure that everyone felt the love equally, so I wrote another tweet wishing all of them a Happy Birthday by name, and then including a few celebrity birthdays as a humorous afternote (“also happy birthday to Mary Tyler Moore, Jon Voight, and Jude Law!”), which I found on some online “Who was born today?” site.
I immediately received a tweet from Magpie Musing, a woman of culture, that read “And don’t forget Pablo Casals!”
I was glad to see that my Happy Birthday tweet worked, and she didn’t hate me. I decided it was safe to return to my sarcastic Twitter wit, and I replied —
“I think you just alienated half of Twitter with that reference.”
She returned with a rather serious reply, and a link to Pablo Casals on Wikipedia.
“Pablo Casals is a great cellist born in 1876.”
Now, I know who Pablo Casals was. My tweet was a joke insinuating that most of the idiots on Twitter wouldn’t know Pablo Casals from Pablo Picasso. The joke was mocking them and the highbrow reference. And now everyone who followed Magpie Musing on Twitter was going to be under the impression that I was an ingnoramus who didn’t know Pablo Casals! Hey, I watch PBS, too!
I quickly started typing a retraction —
“I do know who Pablo Casals is, maybe not as well as Mary Tyler Moore, but…”
Then I worried this tweet would make me look insecure. Besides, nobody would believe that I knew who Pablo Casals was anyway.
I closed down my Twitter app and took a twenty minute nap. I wasted my entire morning because of you.
F**k you, every single person who has a birthday today!