the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Great Talking Penis Cartoon Scandal of 2007

The trouble began, like most things in the world, in Saskatchewan, Canada.   Some cute female blogger asked me to send her a drawing of my “talking penis character” to include in her scrapbook, or something like that.  At first I said no.  But she wouldn’t give up.

I challenged Neil to send me a watercolour of his talking penis? And then he said he would, but didn’t? And then I twitter taunted him and called him a watercolour c**ck tease? Well, he came through (so to speak), just for me.

Now there is a cartoon of my “talking penis” posted on someone’s blog in Canada (via Savia).

And I feel ashamed.

I can only imagine my upcoming therapy session when I have to admit what I did:

Therapist: “You shouldn’t let a woman sway your emotions one way or another. You need to be YOU.”

Neil: “Right. Right.”

Therapist: “And you need to learn to say “NO” to women. Don’t be a pushover and let them run your life.”

Neil: “Yes, uh… well, I wanted to bring that up…”

Therapist: “Yes?”

Neil: “Well, there is this female blogger in Canada named Savia… well, she’s cute, and she, uh, likes to collect naughty drawings, and asked me to send her a drawing of my talking Penis…”

Therapist: “How immature. Of course you told her that was impossible. You’re an adult who doesn’t do those sorts of things. A college-educated man. Besides, there are no such things as talking Penises.”

Neil: “Yes, of course. Talking Penises don’t really exist, but…”

Therapist: “Oh no…”

Neil: “…but she seemed so disappointed when I said no. And you know how I hate to disappoint a woman.

Therapist: “Neil…”

Neil: “She was crying on Twitter, for godsakes! I didn’t realize that she was actually going to put it on her blog. I thought it was just for her.”

Therapist: “Why? Neil. Why would you do something like that? Why would you send something so personal to a person you hardly know?”

Neil: “I don’t know.”

Neil’s Penis: “I know! I know. Even a Fifth Grader knows the answer to that one. He’s hoping to one day get into her pants!”

Neil: “Shut up, Penis!”

Therapist: “Who ARE you talking to, Neil?”


  1. womanwandering

    Well … of course I wandered over to take a peek because I really didn’t think you would have done it … then my laptop wouldn’t open the image.

    It might be my laptop has heard me say one time too many and in shocked tones, ‘I would never! I’m a New Zealander’.

    But then after commenting, I went back, peeked and ‘oh my goodness’, why more men don’t send a talking penis calling card is beyond me. ‘Cuter than a cute thing’ was what I thought.

    Change therapists too … find one who says something along the lines of ‘Way cool man’ in awed tones. You’ll feel much better about the whole thing.

    Yours in awe

  2. Erin

    a) Love the sweatshirt

    b) Your penis drawing was pretty good, but I think you went overboard with the prickly hairs.

    c) You therapist shouldn’t be SO judgmental. Her job is supposed to be listening and giving you tools to sort out your problems on your own… And maybe to let you know that cartoon penis drawings aren’t the way to a woman’s heart, or inside her pants. 🙂

  3. wendy

    The prickly hairs were my favorite part!

  4. Ariel

    So, you are a man with a talking penis. In most men, the appendage in question thinks but doesn’t voice its mental meanderings. In your case, not only does the appendage think but it talks and writes. I therefore conclude that you are a more evolved man with a more evolved appendage than most and my vituperating vagina seems to agree.

  5. savia

    This is my payback for Twitter taunting you, isn’t it?

    I still think your penis rocks, though not as much as you 😉

  6. teahouseblossom

    Yeah, the prickly hairs make the painting.

    I love the graphic of the little smiling penis head. Did you draw that as well?

    Somehow I now have the King Missile song “Detachable Penis” running through my head.

  7. Neil

    Yes, Savia, you owe me big!

  8. cruisin-mom

    Awwww, Neil…you’re so cute

  9. Neil

    Cruisin’ — you haven’t commented in months, but TODAY of all days…?

  10. savia

    Oh, I dunno. I’d say you owe me…you do have a whole bunch of women complimenting you on your penis now, don’t you?

  11. Neil

    Yes, Savia, thank you. Unfortunately, I just sauntered into the living room and posed in front of the TV set, but Sophia said she was still watching “The Weather Man” on Tivo, and didn’t seem to be that impressed.

  12. Ash

    Neil, Neil. I feel neglected. I want a picture of your talking penis too!

  13. SJ

    Wow, your penis has two eyes! Bret’s only has one.

    Oh, and his doesn’t talk either, probably because it’s too busy spitting up.

  14. better safe than sorry

    and a damn fine man at that!!!
    i’m off to follow your link:)

  15. churlita

    I’m at work, so I’ll have to check it out later.

    Funny post, though.

  16. tiff

    Oh dear – are you saying tha mature people don’t send naughty cartoon renderings of their tickish bits to people they barely know?

    What’s the rule number for that on? My “Adult’s Handbook” only goes up to page 69, and I don’t see that rule anywhere!


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