Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: talking penis

The Great Talking Penis Cartoon Scandal of 2007

The trouble began, like most things in the world, in Saskatchewan, Canada.   Some cute female blogger asked me to send her a drawing of my “talking penis character” to include in her scrapbook, or something like that.  At first I said no.  But she wouldn’t give up.

I challenged Neil to send me a watercolour of his talking penis? And then he said he would, but didn’t? And then I twitter taunted him and called him a watercolour c**ck tease? Well, he came through (so to speak), just for me.

Now there is a cartoon of my “talking penis” posted on someone’s blog in Canada (via Savia).

And I feel ashamed.

I can only imagine my upcoming therapy session when I have to admit what I did:

Therapist: “You shouldn’t let a woman sway your emotions one way or another. You need to be YOU.”

Neil: “Right. Right.”

Therapist: “And you need to learn to say “NO” to women. Don’t be a pushover and let them run your life.”

Neil: “Yes, uh… well, I wanted to bring that up…”

Therapist: “Yes?”

Neil: “Well, there is this female blogger in Canada named Savia… well, she’s cute, and she, uh, likes to collect naughty drawings, and asked me to send her a drawing of my talking Penis…”

Therapist: “How immature. Of course you told her that was impossible. You’re an adult who doesn’t do those sorts of things. A college-educated man. Besides, there are no such things as talking Penises.”

Neil: “Yes, of course. Talking Penises don’t really exist, but…”

Therapist: “Oh no…”

Neil: “…but she seemed so disappointed when I said no. And you know how I hate to disappoint a woman.

Therapist: “Neil…”

Neil: “She was crying on Twitter, for godsakes! I didn’t realize that she was actually going to put it on her blog. I thought it was just for her.”

Therapist: “Why? Neil. Why would you do something like that? Why would you send something so personal to a person you hardly know?”

Neil: “I don’t know.”

Neil’s Penis: “I know! I know. Even a Fifth Grader knows the answer to that one. He’s hoping to one day get into her pants!”

Neil: “Shut up, Penis!”

Therapist: “Who ARE you talking to, Neil?”

I’ve Never Seen Him Act So Cocky

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From Neil:

He’s getting impossible to live with. Like a roommate who won’t shut up about the big touchdown he once made in high school.

To make it worse, my Penis totally messed up my Saturday Night fun, by opening his stupid mouth and dissing me in front of these two nice knitting bloggers I met for coffee yesterday at Starbucks and then brought back to my place to show them this sweater that my grandmother knitted for me several years ago —

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Cindi: “Holy Crochet Needles! His Penis is telling us something, Heather!”

Neil’s Penis: “Forget Neilochka! I’m the one on Technorati, not him! He’s more like your gay friend! C’mon, ladies — let’s leave Neil and go clubbing on Sunset.”

Heather: “I had a feeling that Neil wasn’t the cool one. He was so dull at the coffee shop. How much can he talk about that Sophia?  Let’s grab our knitting patterns and blow this pop stand with the super-talented Penis!”

Neil’s Penis: “Don’t wait up, Neilochka!”

Panties Gag Found Dead in Los Angeles!

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Attention:  If you are a first time visitor or are coming to this site because you heard “good things” about Citizen of the Month, please ignore this post and read the previous one.  This post is what we call in the blogging biz as “filler” for when we’d rather be doing something other than blogging, but feel obligated to put something up, just to keep the readership amused, so that the masses will be more accepting when I start selling “discount ink-jet cartridges”on the right margin of the blog.  But feel free to skip this post completely because it is so “in-groupie” — as Sophia called it — that it’s worse than Gawker’s policy of making you apply to comment.

Dateline, Los Angeles.

Neil’s Panties Gag (8/06 – 9/06) was found dead today, hanging in an abandoned warehouse in downtown Los Angeles. Foul play is suspected, but LAPD Commanding Officer Beverly Melrose has told the Associated Press that “The investigation is ongoing. There are currently no suspects.”

The blogosphere is abuzz with sad memories of the once vibrant gag.

Blogger Elle spoke fondly of the gag, “I loved that Women’s Underwear Gag. Even though Neil only wore the panties once, he was able to stretch the joke out for three whole weeks!”

Sarcomical, one of the participants in Blogger Appreciation Day, agreed. “I thought that gag was going to just be a one shot deal. But Neil kept on using it over and over again. I think there was even more humor in it. I guess we’re never going to find out now.”

The Viscountess of Funk found it hard to hold back her tears: “That Woman’s Panties Gag… it died so young!”

Not everyone on the blogosphere was a fan of the gag.

“Frankly, good riddance to that stupid gag,” said Neil’s Penis. “This blog is supposed to be all about “Neil and his talking Penis,” not about “Neil wearing women’s panties.”

When asked if he had any stories about his former co-worker, Neil’s Penis just shook his head and laughed.

“A hack. A one hit wonder. Gags about men wearing women’s panties get old real fast. But a talking penis can last a lifetime. Frankly, I’m glad that loser is out of the picture!” he said as he cleaned out some extra rope and duct tape from the trunk of Sophia’s Prius.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Neilochka the Cool (last year I was so much cooler!)

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