This is a cautionary tale. I write this as a warning to other men. Do NOT do what I have done.

The trouble began, like most things in the world, in Saskatchewan, Canada.

Here’s part of Savia’s last post:

Remember when Madam Diva sent me her breast in the interoffice mail? And I challenged Neil to send me a watercolour of his talking penis? And then he said he would, but didn’t? And then I twitter taunted him and called him a watercolour c**ck tease? Well, he came through (so to speak), just for me.

Oy. A cartoon version of my talking Penis on someone else’s blog! (NSFW! — I drew this and I feel ashamed). I can only imagine my upcoming therapy session:

Therapist: “In your last post about men, your thoughts about women sound very adolescent.”

Neil: “I know.”

Therapist: “You shouldn’t let a woman sway your emotions one way or another. You need to be YOU.”

Neil: “Right. Right.”

Therapist: “And you need to learn to say “NO” to women. Don’t be a pushover and let them run your life.”

Neil: “Yes, uh… well, I wanted to bring that up…”

Therapist: “Yes?”

Neil: “Well, there is this crazy female blogger in Canada named Savia… well, she’s cute, and she, uh, likes to collect naughty drawings, and asked me to send her a drawing of my talking Penis…”

Therapist: “How immature. Of course you told her that was impossible. You’re an adult who doesn’t do those sorts of things. A college-educated man. Besides, there are no such things as talking Penises.”

Neil: “Yes, of course. Talking Penises don’t really exist, but…”

Therapist: “Oh no…”

Neil: “…but she seemed so disappointed when I said no. And you know how I hate to disappoint a woman.

Therapist: “Neil…”

Neil: “She was crying on Twitter, for godsakes! I didn’t realize that she was actually going to put it on her blog. I thought it was just for her. Thank God I’ve never made a sex video. I would never be able to go on YouTube again!”

Therapist: “Why? Neil. Why would you do something like that? Why would you send something so personal to a person you hardly know?”

Neil: “I don’t know.”

Neil’s Penis: “I know! I know. Even a Fifth Grader knows the answer to that one. He’s hoping to one day get into her pants!”

Neil: “Shut up, Penis!”

Therapist: “Who are you talking to, Neil?”

Neil: “No one… no one…”

I wasn’t going to link this cartoon, but Savia started crying and nagging on Twitter again, saying that NO ONE ever links to her, and that she would be very disappointed if I didn’t give her a link.

Damn women!

As I’m writing this post, I almost deleted it. I felt incredibly shy about this whole Talking Penis Cartoon Scandal. But don’t I write about my talking Penis all the time?! I mean, it wasn’t as if I put a photo of my real penis online? Why was I so puritanical? Was I worried about Sophia’s reaction? My mother’s? Frankly, the drawing wasn’t even a credible representation of my talking Penis. He would never wear a tie. But then, again, I rarely wear a tie, either, but I was wearing one last week when Sophia and I met a bunch of bloggers in Hollywood last week when Dave from Blogography came to town (Sophia and I came straight from Yom Kippur services).

Neil meets blogger SJ for the first time at the blog-meet!  Notice the shirt and tie!

My real problem with my talking Penis cartoon was that I felt as if I was objectifying myself. Someone might come to Savia’s site and actually think more fondly of my talking Penis than me. I perfectly understand how this can happen. How many times have I stared at a women’s full breasts, mesmerized, wanting to hold them, kiss them, do anything to them, and completely forgot that there was a woman attached? I wouldn’t want people meeting me the first time and shaking my hand and saying, “Nice to meet you, Penis… I mean Neil.”

Let this be my punishment for all the years of objectifying women and their tits and asses. Now, I understand how you feel.

Please, while I might enjoy the attention somewhat, I am not just a Talking Penis.

I am a MAN!

From Neil:

He’s getting impossible to live with. Like a roommate who won’t shut up about the big touchdown he once made in high school.

To make it worse, my Penis totally messed up my Saturday Night fun, by opening his stupid mouth and dissing me in front of these two nice knitting bloggers I met for coffee yesterday at Starbucks and then brought back to my place to show them this sweater that my grandmother knitted for me several years ago –

Cindi: “Holy Crochet Needles! His Penis is telling us something, Heather!”

Neil’s Penis: “Forget Neilochka! I’m the one on Technorati, not him! He’s more like your gay friend! C’mon, ladies — let’s leave Neil and go clubbing on Sunset.”

Heather: “I had a feeling that Neil wasn’t the cool one. He was so dull at the coffee shop. How much can he talk about that Sophia?  Let’s grab our knitting patterns and blow this pop stand with the super-talented Penis!”

Neil’s Penis: “Don’t wait up, Neilochka!”

Attention:  If you are a first time visitor or are coming to this site because you heard “good things” about Citizen of the Month, please ignore this post and read the previous one.  This post is what we call in the blogging biz as “filler” for when we’d rather be doing something other than blogging, but feel obligated to put something up, just to keep the readership amused, so that the masses will be more accepting when I start selling “discount ink-jet cartridges”on the right margin of the blog.  But feel free to skip this post completely because it is so “in-groupie” — as Sophia called it — that it’s worse than Gawker’s policy of making you apply to comment.

Dateline, Los Angeles.

Neil’s Panties Gag (8/06 - 9/06) was found dead today, hanging in an abandoned warehouse in downtown Los Angeles. Foul play is suspected, but LAPD Commanding Officer Beverly Melrose has told the Associated Press that “The investigation is ongoing. There are currently no suspects.”

The blogosphere is abuzz with sad memories of the once vibrant gag.

Blogger Elle spoke fondly of the gag, “I loved that Women’s Underwear Gag. Even though Neil only wore the panties once, he was able to stretch the joke out for three whole weeks!”

Sarcomical, one of the participants in Blogger Appreciation Day, agreed. “I thought that gag was going to just be a one shot deal. But Neil kept on using it over and over again. I think there was even more humor in it. I guess we’re never going to find out now.”

The Viscountess of Funk found it hard to hold back her tears: “That Woman’s Panties Gag… it died so young!”

Not everyone on the blogosphere was a fan of the gag.

“Frankly, good riddance to that stupid gag,” said Neil’s Penis. “This blog is supposed to be all about “Neil and his talking Penis,” not about “Neil wearing women’s panties.”

When asked if he had any stories about his former co-worker, Neil’s Penis just shook his head and laughed.

“A hack. A one hit wonder. Gags about men wearing women’s panties get old real fast. But a talking penis can last a lifetime. Frankly, I’m glad that loser is out of the picture!” he said as he cleaned out some extra rope and duct tape from the trunk of Sophia’s Prius.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Neilochka the Cool (last year I was so much cooler!)