Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

The Overcoat Photo (Behind the Scenes)

IM Message One (Neil and Sophia)

Sophia:  (in Los Angeles)  How’s the weather?

Neil:  Tonight it is freezing.

Sophia:  What are you wearing?

Neil:  My leather coat.

Sophia: Don’t wear that.  It’s too cold for a leather jacket.  Wear that other coat.

Neil:  The old one?

Sophia: Yes.

Neil:  It think it may be too short on me now.  Let me see.  Later.

 

IM Message Two (Neil and Sophia)

Neil:  I took a photo of the me in the coat.  I’m sending it to you.  How does it look?

Sophia:  I can hardly see anything.  Everything looks orange and dark.  Can’t you photoshop it?

Neil:  It will be faster for me to take another photo.  Be back.

 

IM Message Three (Neil and Sophia)

Neil:  I’m sending another photo.  This one is special for you.

Sophia:  Ha Ha.  That’s cute!

Neil:  I used Photoshop and combined two photos — a naked one and one with the overcoat!  I stood in the exact same spot for both.

Sophia: What color is the coat?

Neil:  Grey.

Sophia:  It looks orange in the photo.

Neil:  It is the bad lighting.  I tried to fix it in Photoshop, but it just washes everything out.

Sophia:  It looks like your mother’s coat. 

Neil:  It is not my mother’s coat. 

Sophia: What man wears an orange coat… other than a pimp?

Neil:  Do you like the photo?

Sophia:  It’s funny. You should post it on the blog.

Neil:  Are you serious?

Sophia:  Yeah, why not.  You can’t see anything.

Neil:  I’ll think about it.  I don’t have anything for tomorrow anyway. 

 

IM Message Four (Neil and Charming but Single)

Neil:  Hey, C!  What’s up?

Charming:  Not much.  Work really sucked today.

Neil:  Why?

Charming:  Because my boss…

(Fifteen minutes later — Why do women remember every little detail of their work day while men just answer, “Nothing”?)

Neil:  Can I ask you a favor?  I want to send you a photo.  Tell me if you think it is OK to post.

Charming:  Sure.

Neil:  It is a little risque.

Charming:  You’re not sending me a photo of your penis, are you?

Neil:  Why would I send you a photo of my penis?

Charming:  You write about your penis.  

Neil:  I write about my penis.  I don’t take photos of my penis.

Charming:  Well, some men do.

Neil:  You have men sending you photos of their penises?

Charming:  Some guy from match.com just sent me one last week.

Neil:  Why would he send you a photo of his penis?  What are you going to do with it?  Put the photo on your fridge?

Charming:  I have no idea. 

Neil:  Believe me, I’m never going to send you a photo of my penis.  Expecially when it is so cold.

Charming:  You are an enlightened man.  Please tell other men that sending a photo of your penis to someone you just meet on Match.com does not make you good dating material.

Neil:  If you are going to send a woman something, it should be a photo of your bank account.

Charming:  I just want a nice, normal guy. 

Neil:  I will pass the info on to the blogosphere.

(note:  C is available and very charming.  Men, I perfectly understand your love of your own penis.  But please do not send any photos to a woman you are interested in.  Let it be a mystery until the day of the big unveiling.  Would you want her to send YOU an unrequested naked photo of herself? [uh, note — edit out that last sentence later])

Neil:  Well, C, here’s my picture?

Charming:  Oooh, cute! 

Neil:  Cute?  It is supposed to be a little risque, not cute. 

Charming:   I find it cute.  I like your little hat.

Neil:  Can I post this on the blog?

Charming:  Yes.  Hot!

Neil:  Do you like the coat?

Charming:  Is it your mother’s?

Neil:  It is NOT my mother’s!

Charming:  It’s orange.

Neil:  It’s gray.

Charming:  So, is this what you are doing in New York?  Taking naked photos of yourself?

Neil:  Just one photo.  To show how cold it is… in an artistic way.

Charming:  Yeah, right.

Neil:  Do you have any “artistic” photos of yourself you want to run by me?

Charming:  No. 

Neil:  OK, so thanks.  Let me post it.

Charming:  Wait, wait, wait… I haven’t finished telling you about my boss today. 

Neil:  Oh, yes… go on…

Charming:  So, we’re at this conference, and I’m giving this presentation… and remember, I was working on this all weekend… and… my boss…

(As she told me about her day, I thought about the title of my first best-selling self-help book on male-female Venus-Mars relationships:  Women Like to Chat, Men Like to Photograph Their Penis)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the MonthNeilochka Leaves His Apartment

33 Comments

  1. I can’t believe I read this whole thing. I think you can remember more details than you admit. You turned “nothing” into a four-act play.

  2. So I’ll have to wait for warmer weather for pictures of your penis?

  3. Men send me photos of their penises all the time. It’s like they think it’s in the fine print of online dating, “Introduce your penis upfront.” It’s very odd to most of us females who don’t see disembodied penises as particularly interesting and seductive. Attached to a man we’re interested in? Now that’s a different story…

  4. Deezee — I really didn’t know about this phenomenon. Seems like a weird attempt at wooing a woman.

  5. You seem to get nagged quite a bit.

  6. I’ve heard of a website which shows nothing but penis pictures reposted by women who were the recipients of such dumb men’s equipment photos. I imagine it looks kind of silly.

  7. Lou P — Sigh. But what would we do without women, right?

  8. Ha! It does kind of look like your mom’s coat. And yes, it does look orange. I’m glad you don’t send pics of your penis to anyone b/c as I found out on Dateline NBC’s “How to catch a Predator” series…that’s a good way to get yourself thrown into jail!

  9. I totally was going to email you asking you why you were wearing a woman’s fur coat in that photo. I just thought you were showing us your sensitive side.

  10. It is a vintage coat from the 50s! But then again, I have noticed that no other man outside was wearing anything remotely similiar.

  11. Conversations made me giggle…the picture made me smile! Thanks Neil!

  12. Um, Mr. Freelancer, if you sat in a cube for 12 hours a day only to come home and have men send you pictures of their nether regions, you’d be whining too!

  13. In that coat, I thought you were a woman!

  14. Sbukophile — OK, OK, I hear you — I’ll wear another coat!

    Charming — Oh, you know I love your chatting!

  15. …overcoats…Neil, do YOU have MY overcoat?

  16. Men never send me pictures of their penis. Damn.

    However, my son now cleans his own room after I found his Polaroids.

    You dudes are too funny.

  17. This is great!
    I don’t what is funnier, the IM’s and the chatting or the penis picture phenomenon.

    I’m laughing so loud the teenagers have come downstairs to ask what’s going on.

    “Um…nothing!” ;-O

  18. at least it isnt a leather orange coat

  19. I’m kinda hungry.

    Seriously, that has nothing to do with this post.

  20. I have an $8 thrift store Scottish wool coat that is kind of like that, but in hunter green. I wear it all the time. Then again, I AM somebody’s mother . .

  21. OK, I apologize for calling the photo “cute” yesterday.

    It was indeed risque. (ahem) 🙂

  22. I also thought the coat looked sort of “rustic orange” but didn’t think it was a woman’s coat. I just thought it was your own fashion style, and that you like “retro” or “vintage” wear.

    BTW: Does Penis ever have to IM you when you’re not giving him enough personal attention?

  23. Love it. Love it. Love every bit of this post!

  24. Aaahhh! I can’t believe I saw a picture of a half nekkid guy – jeez you could have warned us. I thought you overlaid 2 pics…anyway why were you naked in front of a mirror?

  25. That coat picture is hilarious!

    Ummmm
    Neil, I’m doing a blog meme dealie. If anyone can advance the circulation it’s you! Click here, join, then invite all of your blogfans. It’s easy and no commitment is required, you can click in periodically and see your score climb.

  26. Ok, now I feel left out. No-one ever sent me a picture of their penis.

  27. I noticed both women seem opposed to orange. Is orange a problem?

  28. I kind of like the idea of having potential dates send me photos of their penis. I mean it saves on later disappointment, right?

    Of course, this from someone married who hasn’t dated in 13 years.

  29. Men would then just disappoint you in other ways.

  30. Well, as far as I’m concerned, nothing says, subtle and earnest like sending a girl a picture of your wang.

  31. I want to know what this website in which people post unwanted penis pictures. Hilarious!

  32. are you SURE it’s not your mother’s coat?

    Oh and thank you for almost giving me a heart attack. I clicked on the link before I read:

    “Neil: I used Photoshop and combined two photos — a naked one and one with the overcoat! I stood in the exact same spot for both.”

    I thought I was going to get fired from my job for viewing inappropiate images on the net.

  33. I would have thought that Neil’s penis would have talked him into getting 8×10 glossies by now.

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