Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

What Did You Have For Lunch?

burger3.jpg

“Your posts this week have been the WORST,” said my blog editor/separated wife, Sophia, speaking on the phone from New York. “And stop writing about blogging. It is SOOO boring!”

There were other words exchanged during this conversation, mostly about my fear of putting advertising on my blog, but I’m going to avoid retelling some of the more “colorful” expressions she used to describe my “artistic integrity.”

I agree with Sophia that my posts have been lousy this week. I blame it on that video where I’m dancing with the mop, which premiered on October 13th to critical acclaim.

You know how some authors write a masterpiece for their first novel, but their second one sucks? After that video, I figured that I could just lie back and take it easy, but I was wrong. Modern readers are fickle. One false move and they’re off to read the blog of the latest young hunk right off the bus with a Dell laptop under his arm.

Looking for inspiration, I was intrigued by this new book titled “No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog,” written by Maggie Mason, who also has a popular blog titled Mighty Girl. (via Fussy)

A reviewer on Amazon described the book like this:

“Mason is thrilled at the opportunities that blogs have given the average person for self-expression, but laments that too many blogs are obsessive navel-gazing exercises that hold little to no interest over time. She wrote No One Cares as a way to help you come up with creative and new ideas for blog material that can lead to unusual material and interesting insights to the life and world of the writer.”

The book sounded interesting, but I took strong exception to the title, No One Cares What You Had for Lunch, even if the author is being tongue-in-cheek.

Think about the gullible young blogger out there who might read this book and accept this notion as a blogging “rule.”

In my opinion, blogging about your lunch is EXACTLY what you should be doing. This was what Sophia was trying to tell me on the phone. Is there anything more human, more sexy, more filled with human drama… than lunch?

Remember those cool lunch-boxes in elementary school? Remember grandma’s tuna fish sandwich? Remember having a romantic picnic lunch with your beau? Isn’t it true that the minute you get to work at 9AM, you watch the clock for three hours, waiting for what…? LUNCH!

When I finish my blogging primer, I’m going to title it “Write About Your Lunch.”

Of course, by the time I get around to writing it, no one will be blogging anymore because the fad will be dead. I’m always behind the times. (but please remember to buy my new book coming out in January, “The Dummy’s Guide to Making Money with Enron Stock.”

Sophia — today’s post will be about MY LUNCH. I want to prove to others that eating your lunch can bring about as many philosophical insights as reading the greatest philosophers.

Here we go —

Around noon today, I had a hankering for a hamburger. I felt like I deserved a treat because my cholesterol levels had fallen dramatically recently, thanks to my pills. I jumped into my car and headed for In-N-Out Burgers, but half-way there, I felt a nagging guilt. I suddenly remembered that I had eaten two slices of pizza for lunch the day before. I already had my “unhealthy” treat for the week.

What should I do? Go with desire or reason? I thought about the ancient Greeks. In his theory of anamnesis, Plato preached mastery over the body through reason. Did I really need this hamburger?

Thomas Aquinas, the medieval theologian, once said of Gluttony: “Gluttony denotes, not any desire of eating and drinking, but an inordinate desire… leaving the order of reason, wherein the good of moral virtue consists?”

I decided to find a balance between the two extremes — hunger and hamburger, much as in Hermetic Philosophy.

The solution: A Gardenburger!

I once had a pretty good veggie burger at Burger King, so off I went to see the King.

At my local Burger King, I was greeted by a slightly frazzled teenage girl, who took my order for a veggie burger, a side salad, and a cup of coffee. The bill came to $3.50. I looked at the receipt, puzzled. The Gardenburger alone was supposed to be $3.50. The girl had clearly charged me $2.00 less than what she was supposed to!

I went into a silent panic, mixed with glee. I enjoyed saving the two bucks, but I felt guilty about my moral stance. After all, I was stealing! I knew she had made a mistake, but I was intentionally remaining silent. What would the Talmud say about this? I certainly know that Immanuel Kant, the 18th Century writer of “Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals,” would be shaking his head in shame.

Clearly it was my moral duty to speak up and say, “Young lady, I think you’ve made a mistake.” Think about it: What if I knew that her boss was going to dock her the two dollars that she lost — would I speak up then? What if she was fired? What if she quit school because of my action? What if, because of me, I knew she would eventually BECOME A PROSTITUTE?!

But, I wanted that two dollars. I kept my mouth shut. I pocketed the extra money, waited for my food, then headed for my table without ever saying a word.

There was no thunder. No lightening struck me down. As I sat down, holding my tray, I rationalized my action. I was a Robin Hood fighting an evil fast-food corporation. Even Michael Moore would be proud of me!

But I knew this was a lie. I knew I was never going to give any of my two dollars to charity. I was going to keep it. I was going to blow it on an ice cream cone on the way home, my cholesterol be damned.

And I was enjoying acting like a selfish criminal.

I was like motherf***ing Samuel L. Neilochka!

I ripped open the paper wrapper and took a determined bite of my sandwich. All I received was a mouth full of soggy lettuce and wet bread.

I looked down at my sandwich and opened up the bun. Inside was lettuce, a tomato slice and a piece of pickle. There was no Gardenburger! No meat! Nothing!

Soon, it became clear to me. At Burger King, if you ask for a “Veggieburger” rather than a “Gardenburger,” you get this ridiculous “veggie” sandwich with nothing on it except soggy lettuce, a sliver of tomato, and a tasteless pickle slice for $1.50!  There wasn’t any two dollar mistake. I was the idiot who made the mistake. I ordered a sandwich with NOTHING on it.

Have it Your Way! Right-O.

Do I even need to bring up the Eastern concept of karma?

So, what do you have for lunch?

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: A New Hobby

76 Comments

  1. I don’t believe that title is true. Jane Espenson, writer on the excellent Buffy the Vampire Slayer, always blogs what she had for lunch – and apparently her readers really do care.

  2. I used to have a Charlie’s Angels lunchbox. Damn, I wonder what that thing would go for on eBay now…

  3. That’s pretty funny.
    I’m not a big fan of Burger King, but I do like garden burgers.
    I guess that’s where your two bucks went, eh?
    I don’t even remember what I had for lunch today.

  4. Just because the thunder & lightening didn’t strike you down right when you walked out doesn’t mean its not still going to! Maybe God is waiting for just the right moment, gathering a tub of popcorn, sitting back, and waiting, waiting, waiting for the perfect moment to reach down and give you an evil knuckle sandwich. No, I think you are in very, very, very big trouble. If I were you, I’d go back and return the extra $. Its not too late. In fact, I think the delay makes you look even better because it looks like you struggled and struggled and struggled with the dilemma. Either way, you’re doomed & I will miss your blog immensely. I don’t think your posts have declined in quality at all this week. They are always great!

  5. Neil

    October 20, 2006 at 12:30 am

    Alexandra — I fixed a line to make it clearer that I didn’t make out with an extra two dollars! Or are you saying I still should go back and give them two dollars as blood money?

  6. I don’t know what I am saying! I’m nuts. I just certified myself because I looked out of the corner of my eye and thought I saw someone peering through the kitchen window. I looked up and no one was there. Then I thought I saw someone again and looked, and thought I saw Hitler’s face ducking down. I’m not kidding! So don’t pay any attention to me and my foolish comments. I can’t fall asleep and am on the computer far too late!

  7. You definatly can’t slip by Karma unnoticed!

    Still, soggy lettuce in a bun is a high price to pay for your crime, so surely you can treat yourself to a proper burger full of fatty goodness today, it’s Friday after all!

  8. Wow, a soggy lettuce sandwich, huh? Glad I haven’t been to a BK for 15 years.

  9. OK, this is flipping hysterical.
    It’s 730 am so no lunch yet today but yesterday I had a delish sandwich at Panera bread: feta cheese, lettuce, tomato, cuke and red onion on thick slabs o’ multi grain bread.
    I’d prefer to be writing about sandwiches instead of the train wreck drama of my life! ;-P

  10. This is why I’m converting! Karma kicks my ass everytime there’s any situation where I might be deceptive, or getting over on someone. I will be the perfect Jew with the guilt that comes with anything that might seem like I’m getting over.
    You’re story is funny and I swear, only in LA would you get a bun with lettuce, nothing else.

  11. Mmmmm. Panera…

    Like Felicity, I haven’t had lunch yet today. But yesterday I had leftover homemade pizza. It was really tasty.

  12. It’s 8:30 a.m. now so I haven’t had lunch yet, nor even breakfast.
    Yesterday, though, I had some leftover mashed potatoes, which I mixed with a can of tuna and some feta cheese. Might sound odd, but it was tasty. As was the coffee I had with a scoop of ice cream in lieu of milk.

  13. I had chicken with mashed potatoes yesterday for lunch. This morning for breakfast I had — now, this is hard to admit — gefilte fish.

  14. Burger King Whoppers were always my favorite fast food, although I rarely have them (once a year, maybe.) The veggie burger deal is a rip – jeez, not even a slice of tomato?

    I skip lunch on most days, but yesterday I made myself a ham and cheese sandwich – not great, but good enough to keep me going until the end of the day.

  15. If you really had that experience, that teenage girl was an idiot and deserves to have the $2.00 docked from her sad wages. On the other hand, maybe you should go back and give her the two dollars just for saving you from the slop they are supposed to serve when someone orders the veggie burger:

    Ingredients in BK VEGGIE® BURGER PATTY

    Vegetables (Mushrooms, Water Chestnuts, Onions, Carrots, Green Bell Peppers, Red Bell Peppers, Black Olives), Textured Vegetable Protein (Soy Protein Concentrate, Wheat Gluten, Water for hydration), Egg Whites, Cooked Brown Rice (Water, Brown Rice), Rolled Oats, Corn Oil, Calcium Caseinate, Soy Sauce (Water, Soybeans, Salt, Wheat), Onion Powder, Corn Starch, Salt, Hydrolyzed Corn, Soy, and Wheat Protein, Autolyzed Yeast Extract, Natural Flavors from non-meat sources, Sugar, Soy Protein Isolate, Spices, Garlic Powder, Dextrose, Jalapeño Pepper Powder, Celery Extract. Contains Egg, Wheat, Soy.
    Note: This is NOT a VEGAN product.

    Yuck. This new trend of fast food companies offering “healthy” products kills me. McDonald’s salad and fruit plates seem about as healthy as a grilled cheese sandwich cooked in lard.

    I can’t believe that such a book exists on blogging. I say if you have to read that, you shouldn’t be blogging in the first place. Isn’t the whole purpose of blogging to write about what comes naturally to you, what you’re interested in? As you’ve proved, writing about your lunch can be as fascinating as anything else if you write about it with skill and style (and are fool enough to walk into a Burger King looking for something healthy).

  16. There’s noodle blogs that talk about having had lunch, there’s foodie blogs that adore food, and then there’s my other blog that records what I had for dinner for the last 5 months with a photo a day. I’m so there

    http://www.pagehalffull.com/eatenup/

  17. See, that’s why i stick to that huge crispy chicken sandwich they have.

    In my, fast food is wrong for you denial — it’s chicken, so it has to be good for you. Right?

    You got Earled!

  18. On Thursdays, I treat myself to a mediun hot’n’sour soup and an egg roll, it’s a giant egg roll that comes in a waxed paper sleeve with oil dripping into the bottom. My meal is usually $2 and change, but yesterday I decided to splurge on a sweet tea. They charged $2.67. So I told the guy he’d forgotten my tea. He got very huffy and pointed “there is your tea”, so I tell him I didn’t pay for it. He says “I gave you change”. I thanked him and took a new takeout menu. They only charge $0.50 for tea, in a big styrofoam cup. It would have been more polite if I’d asked, did I pay for this rather than accuse him of forgetting, but I’d like to go back and talk to him about their buisness plan.

  19. I had a caramel apple..(home made? by my daughter), a sliver of white cake and peppermint ice cream. True. All true. It’s called SELF SOOTHING. Boys do it to..just with other parts of their bodies….

    As for writing about lunch…Anne Lamott has already done that..(sorry) in her essays bird by bird.

    I thought your post today was very strong.

  20. Matt is right. You deserve to go out and have a burger today.

  21. Aww man that’s a bummer. See the last time I went out for a burger the exact opposite happened. Some coworkers and I went to this burger joint that makes its regular burgers double patties. Yum. So three of us place our order, our number is called (65! 65!), we grab it and open up our mammoth burgers to realize…they’re not ours. By this point we have all manhandled the burgers, and there is no point in returning them — they’ll just throw them away. And we all agree the guy definitely called our number. We look at the food pick up counter and see a guy waiting and waiting. We have his order. Damn. Then we hear it: ’65! 65!’ Should we get it? My friend (the one who had picked up our food two minutes earlier) picks it up. How they didn’t remember her is beyond me. Anyway long story short, the guy waiting finally got a new order and the three of us got two double cheeseburgers each. It was disgusting and wonderful.

  22. Let’s see…yesterday I had Kapusta, which is a polish dish comprised of cabbage, kielbasa, bacon, sour kraut and onion all cooked together. I had an apple for dessert.

    Although it seems that Polish cooking is based entirely on cooking with what is essentially just cabbage in different forms, it is delicious. I can’t wait to eat it again.

  23. I was like motherf***ing Samuel L. Neilochka!

    That got me.

    Yesterday’s lunch was so depressing I can’t even discuss it. I tend to have yummy lunches. Today’s is yet to be determined. I have taken a day off work, Joe is visiting me for the first time, and he is currently still asleep. When he wakes up, lunch may be breakfast. I love that. Waffles. Eggies. Yum.

  24. I’m still getting over breakfast. I need a nap.

  25. the fact that that “burger” is even an option is sad. soggy lettuce sandwich? ew!

    samuel l. neilochka! hee hee.

  26. Neil

    October 20, 2006 at 9:07 am

    Felicity — I’ve never been to a Panera, and I know they have one by LAX (with free wireless)!

    Kristen — it was lettuce AND a small slice of tomato and pickle! But 99% non- eColi iceberg lettuce.

    Alison — You make homemade pizza? I should have married you.

    Pearl — What gave you the idea of combining potatoes and tuna? I’ve never heard of that before!

    Rhea — Gefilte Fish for breakfast? Talk about someone who could be slotted with advertisers as a “Jewish blogger?”

    Elisabeth — Ham and cheese? Definitely NOT “Jewish blogger.”

    Danny — Yes, I’ve actually read that some of these healthy product are a bad for you as a Fatburger. And if you don’t ask, they slather the bun with tons of mayo!

    2nd Pearl — I’ve never noticed your OTHER BLOG. What a great idea!

    DawnKelly — Exactly. Earled!

    Margaret — Two bucks for soup and egg roll? I’m moving to your town!

    Wendy — Yes, Wendy… we do…

    Sweet — Tears were in my eyes on hearing that story about how you scored some double cheeseburgers!

    Eek — I love Kapusta! Russians eat that too!

  27. Neil

    October 20, 2006 at 9:08 am

    If you can’t comment, please tell me. Something is screwed up with my WordPress making you close your Norton anti-virus!

  28. Gardenburger at BK? I’ve never seen one of those here in the heartland but we do have the triple Whopper! As I sit here still waiting for lunch, two orange glowing half globes stare back at me. I worked last night and have to give a blood sample in a half hour to see how well my “raise your good cholesterol pills” are working. I haven’t eaten in 12 hours in preparation and the minute I get back I’m chowing those puppies down. Mom visited the other day and brought some of those coconut covered snowballs, Halloween edition. I used to get those when I was a kid in school whenever we went on a field trip as a special treat. That is to be my lunch today.

  29. How are we supposed to tell you if we can’t comment? Neilochka, your brain needs some feeding, presto: lunchtime!

    Eek, that wasn’t Kapusta (although cabbage IS one of the important ingredients), that’s called bigos, and this is what I’m planning to cook on a weekend.

    Neil, Russians can eat Bigos, definitely, just like they can eat Garden Horror at burger place (at gunpoint only) but it’s not considered a Russian dish. Or kosher Jewish, if that’s what you imply (if you ate it @ your in-law’s house) – look at the ingredients.

  30. I think it is Kapusta:

    Kapusta

    1 qt. jar Vlasic sauerkraut or whichever brand is available at meat counter
    2 beef bouillon cubes
    1 c. water
    1 med. onion, chopped
    4 slices raw bacon, diced
    3 tbsp. flour
    Kielbasa or smoked sausage

    Rinse and drain sauerkraut well. Add beef cubes to water; pour over kraut, cover and boil 20 minutes. Fry bacon, reserving the drippings. Add onion and brown; add flour and brown. When kraut is done, drain and reserve juice. Add kraut juice to flour mixture, stirring constantly. When smooth, add to kraut and mix thoroughly.

    Note: Cook Kielbasa until boiling in water; then simmer for 2 hours. Slice and add to Kapusta or serve as a separate dish. Smoked sausage is our preference. Slice, brown in oil and add to Kapusta.

    and you can email me if you can’t comment!

  31. I had a toasted soda farl and a majassive cup of tea. And it was good.

  32. I had cajun fries. For breakfast? A brownie and a diet coke.

    I haven’t been to the gym in two days. I rock.

  33. Sophia’s correct Neil. It’s time to sell out. Big time. Do it for for the rest of us who will never be able to. PLEASE!

  34. In general, I find the “What I ate today” posts to be EXTREMELY boring. Yours was better than the average. :-)

    (But I’ll admit, you lost me about half way through on this one. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still love you and find your blog great to read, but I really do dislike the food posts. Even though to be honest I’ve done a few myself over the years.)

    However, since you asked…I had Grilled chicken tacos for lunch. They were amazing.

  35. Leah, I love your honesty about your dislike for “what I ate” posts, including this one. I found that very sexy. You make me want to become a better man.

  36. Ok here is how far off I was; I thought that was a Chik Fil-A box, LOL. I totally have that woohoo carrots banner on my blog for the same reason; I have a lot of Weight Loss blogger friends who just post what they ate and what they did for exercise and I made a post basically stating that I don’t comment because I hate them but what am I supposed to say in a comment….woohoo carrots?

    Also, please note that my blog URL has changed to http://www.snackiepoo.com …..thanks!

  37. wasn’t there a book out there not that long ago (and a blog before the book) of this guy who took a pic of everything he ate for a year? I read it in Borders while eating a piece of cheesecake one day with my no fat no foam latte.

  38. Neil

    October 20, 2006 at 11:50 am

    Hilly, is this photo less confusing? Or was the burger better?

  39. I kind like my ads now, Neil. I got one this week that reads: Hidden, Forbidden, Addictive.

    My kids are home from school today so for lunch I noshed out of the fridge: tortilla chips and salsa, half a boy-handled banana, and some goat cheese on crackers (after I shaved the mold off the cheese).

  40. And where did you dug this abomination of a recipe? No link, and no wonder.

    Flour? Flour with water from pickled cabbage? “Add” kielbasa or “use as a separate dish”? I have a better idea: why waste it to this disgusting mix altogether?

    Have you met any self-respecting Pole who’d call kapusta a “sauerkraut”?

    Man.
    You make my stomach churn.

  41. Grim for me with scrambled egg on a skanky bit of bread. That was 5 minutes before lunch service. Starving hungry I managed 45 in the restaurant for lunch on my own. At 3pm and still starving I did a count for one table of businessmen, 4 courses each, 4 bottles of New Zealand sauvignon blanc, 17 jack daniels, 2 bottles rioja crianza, 1 bottle brown brothers dessert wine, 4 large vintage ports, 2 liquer coffees, and the bill – £460.00 for 5 covers. I schmoozes them to pieces, flattered and brown nosed them all. And my tip – £50.00. Pretty fantastic. But I had to put it in the tip jar with all the others to be shared out with all staff for the day. I HATE BEING AN HONEST RESTAURANT MANAGER!!!!!!
    So when everyone has had a great lunch, I didn’t, and I’m grumpy about it.
    God I’m a crabby bitch today

  42. Non-Highlighted Heather

    October 20, 2006 at 12:31 pm

    And of course Maggie and Dooce are close friends.

    I had chicken flautas with sour cream and guacamole, beans, rice, and a Mike’s Hard Lemonade Mike-arita. In fact I’m heading off to pour myself a second.

  43. love this post – very funny!! I had guilt free apple pie for lunch, but now i want a hamburger for dinner. As for the boring blogging, I don’t think you have anything to worry about; but maybe you can do another video, maybe this time with a broom or with yr. wife, maybe.

  44. F.Y.I. the premiere, you know the one with the domestic hygiene implement on Oct 13th, which was as I remember Friday the 13th, only succeeded in raising you further up that bohemian and windswept pedestal I have put you on, so fear not my friend, I’m sure that clip will not appear on our blogs for years to come to remind you! LOL

  45. I agree with you, CoM, people DO care about lunch (especially when lunch is a clever tale about Garden v Veggie burgers with an estranged wife thrown in for good measure).

    Rachael

  46. Cuban chicken bowl with black beans over brown rice and covered in Cholula hot sauce.

    Yummy!!

  47. Left over mushroom and beef lasagna. Nuked to the point, where the noodles were the consistancy of 2×4’s. Fine eats if you are in building trade. I had a bucket of nails for dessert.

  48. i don’t do fast food, thankfully my kids are over that phase. i had a caesar salad and a bottle of water, thanks for asking:)

  49. I had a club sandwich and garden salad. With iced tea and water.

    Who in their right mind would go out to a fast food place and order a bun with lettuce, tomato, and a pickle? Ewwwww.

  50. Neil

    October 20, 2006 at 3:56 pm

    I just came back from having coffee in Hermosa Beach with Acumamakiki, who is in town visiting. On the way, home, I grabbed a pretty good teriyaki chicken bowl and miso soup from this new Japanese fast-food place that opened on Pacific Coast Highway, and brought the lunch home with me.

  51. Neil

    October 20, 2006 at 4:00 pm

    And so far, Chantel is winning the award for Today’s Best Lunch and Rach for Today’s Worst Lunch, which is ironic, since she works in one. Is that pretty common?

  52. I had 2 of those Mintze’s Blintzes from Trader Joe’s (have you had them? Holy shit, they’re amazing!), Chicken Potstickers (also from TJ’s), and a cup of Hot Chocolate.

    DEEE-liscious!

  53. Neil, a little ditty from my days of working at Burger King back in high school (if you remember the tune to the Burger King song hum along):

    Hold the pickle, Cram the lettuce, special orders to upset us,here at Burger King!

    Lunch: spicy chicken with lettuce and tomato, caesar salad (very light dressing, no croutons), pretzels and a diet coke.

  54. Oh my goodness, you made me Blog Crush of the Day! Thank you very much – I am honored!

  55. Okay, everyone, now tell us what you had for dinner. Let’s keep this going!

    I had homemade gnocchi with alfredo sauce and bread pudding for dessert. I’m so lucky my hubby cooks! Oh, and a diet A&W to drink- mmmmmmm

  56. This never happens when you order a Whopper.

    I made pasta salad, then I ate a handful of “Kissables”. Who says I’m not living life on the edge?

  57. I don’t think I’ve ever seen garden burgers on the menu at BK here… but then I haven’t been looking. I will have to remember not to try a “veggie burger.”

    Also, I’m with Violet (though 55 comments later); I think Jane Espenson’s inclusion of her lunch with her posts give them a nice personalization.

  58. Soggy veggie burger, eh? Sounds pretty disgusting to me.

    I just finished reading “The Working Poor” – a book about how people can’t get ahead working minimum wage jobs..the author would probably say that you’re going to hell for patronizing an evil large corporation who exploits hapless teenage workers like that.

    You should have gone to In ‘n Out! They give their employees health insurance!

  59. Hilarious post! I had a pretty nice lunch today, with my professor and a bunch of classmates. We went to a cool Indian buffet and gorged ourselves on various Indian fair – various spicy meats, rice, spicy chick peas, rice pancakes, spicy cauliflower, and my favority CHEESE BALLS IN SYRUP. I wish I had more… : )

  60. I think this was karma’s way of telling you you should’ve gone ahead and had the hamburger you really wanted. Just sayin’

    What I had for lunch: a crabcake and a salad. (Yum!)

  61. Hello! I have been reading your blog on and off the last month or so. It strikes me a little that I never finish reading the entire post, because they’re always quite long. Allthough you’re a great writer, you some times elaborate more on the topics than I personally find as good reading. Maybe I’m more in the Hemingway, Mailer, Theroux (both), Auster a.s.o-tradition. I some times feel that you beat around the bush and avoid putting the point first, which in my opinion is what blogs are good for.

  62. Thanks, Jakob. I appreciate the honesty. It is a family tradition to be long-winded.

    You should hear my mother tell a story.

    “I went to the store and I bought some tomatoes, but the tomatoes weren’t very good, so I decided to buy some zucchini instead. And then I met Alice, Sarah’s mother from when you went to elementary school. Do you remember Sarah? Well, now she is married and living in Seattle with a professional clown. This is her second husband because she was divorced in 2001.”

    “What’s the point, Mom? Get to the story!”

    And the story will always be something completely unrelated to what she talked about.

    Yes, definitely a Kramer family tradition.

    But I know what you mean. You would think that because I’m long-winded (I talk like this, too) and write too long posts that I would actually enjoy it when others do it? No way! When I see someone else write a long post, like Danny Miller or Billy Mernit or Elisabeth, I roll my eyes and shout “Please God save me from reading another blog post!”

    So, I appreciate you for continuing to come here. I will try to get to the point quicker, like you are supposed to do in a movie script. If I were to do a re-write of this post, it might have been better to cut out all that stuff about that blogging book, and cut right to the chase about me going for lunch. But then I wouldn’t have been able to link to blogger, and maybe she’ll see it — and introduce me to some of her powerful blogging friends. You see where I’m going?

    Thanks! I really do appreciate the comment.

  63. Update: Slept through lunch.

  64. I am not sure what I’m having for lunch today…but I was just staeaming some gorgous sweet organic apples and forgot that I left the hob on because of reading your post and have now burned the pan. I think I may miss lunch.

  65. Non-Highlighted Heather

    October 21, 2006 at 7:18 am

    I think it’s important to take Jakob’s comments contextually. The poor man is Danish. Have you seen the words that those people have to pronounce? If my tongue had to wrap itself around some of those pronunciations, or if I had to type out words like “Evighedsstudent” or “fodboldresultat,” I’d keep things brief too. Fortunately for Neil (and us), he keeps to the smaller, easier to pronounce words like “penis,” “Jew,” and “coupon.”

    Dinner update: Spring rolls, satay, pad thai, Thai BBQ beef, and cold beer.

  66. Heather — Since we are talking about food here, as well as Jakob’s criticism, I should add that I love Danish food, especially a good cheese Danish!

  67. Non-Highlighted Heather

    October 21, 2006 at 9:39 am

    Neil = aesel kysse. (Forgive me Jakob for mangling your language.)

  68. Neil

    October 21, 2006 at 12:46 pm

    Heather — Sophia says the same thing to me in Russian!

  69. If I ever meet you Neil, please don’t take me out for a ‘two-for-one-coupon’ garden burger- I’d never forgive you. I think I’d take you out and buy you lunch to spare the embarrasment over that anyday.

  70. see? your dishonest thoughts gave you a kinehura. oy. karma is a jewish mother.

    neil, been reading your blog daily since reviewing you on “bloglaughs” and since you stopped by to give my son good wishes. Yer a mensch.

    Thanks doll!

    CP.

  71. Darn it, now I am hungry. Time for a good sandwich.

  72. LOL, LOL, LOL…Writing about what you had for lunch certainly hasn’t kept people away from reading an commenting, Neil…I am #72!! Good Lord…Who would have thought that what you ate for lunch would produce this kind of interest….But see, people DO CARE….!
    I hope you go back and order the Gardenburger cause I’d like to know what In & Out Burger puts in that!

  73. In eighth grade I had a friend who was one of the top contenders for Most Popular Girl in School (we were a fickle bunch and just couldn’t decided which girl to choose so a permanent cat fight was always in play). She was incredibly skinny and was always on a diet. Everywhere we went she would order a hamburger with no burger – a concoction much like you described. She talked about the bread filling up her stomach and the veggies providing nutrients. I always envied her will power because I always ordered the full hamburger. I guess that is why I was never in the running to be the queen of the school.

    My point is this: reading your post I couldn’t help but see you sitting at the little BK table with shoulder length curly brown hair and talking about which boy likes you this week and how totally lame Maria is. Is that wierd?

  74. What did I have for lunch?

    Baby food and therapy. Lots of it.

  75. Similar thing happened to me a couple weeks ago. Bought a Philly Cheesesteak at a “Dominic’s of New York” cart that sits in front of the Lowe’s near me. I ordered it on garlic bread. When he handed me my bag, I saw that there were two sandwiches in there. I drove away, thinking “score!”. Within two blocks the guilt overtook me and I drove back and told him that he’d given me two sandwiches. He looked at me like I was crazy. “Lady, one of those is the garlic bread you ordered”. It’s all in how you order, I guess….

  76. I blogged about my lunch. This made me feel lame. Then I googled the name of that stupid book to make fun of it and re-found your page, which I used to read some time ago, as well as others. I’m feeling better now.

    😉

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