Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Ask the Amateur Sexologist (NSFW)

bed2_2.jpg
(my bed at home)

Every morning, after a few rounds of morning sex with one of my always-satisfied lovers, I turn on my computer and read my email.  My in-box is always stuffed with questions from men seeking advice about problems they are having in the bedroom.

Here’s a typical email:

Dear Neilochka,

I’ve heard so many stories of how you’re able to give a woman multiple orgasms simply by looking into her eyes.   What is the secret to becoming such a sexual legend?   Please help!

Sexless in Seattle

Many of these emails are from married men.  Although they are still very much in love with their spouses, much of the sexual spark has dwindled as married life (children, work, and taxes)  has taken a negative effect on their stamina and libido.

I’m often finding myself repeating the famous “Neilochka Rules for Pleasuring a Woman Each and Every Time”:

1)  Commitment
2)  Concentration
3)  Caring
4)  Excellent Singing Voice

Of course, it would take years for the typical man to reach the “Super Lover” status of someone like myself.  But let me be honest with you — my advanced techniques and superior hand to eye coordination don’t always work out for my own benefit.  

Recently, I had brought a lady friend back to my apartment with the aim of seducing her.  But one look in her eyes as I sang the chorus from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and she was having several orgasms.   And what about me?  By the time I was undressed, she was blissfully asleep.

Despite the drawbacks, I am proud of my utter confidence in the bedroom.  And I’m always willing to give tips to other men who need help.  Sometimes, when I hear about a couple having severe sexual problems, I request that they both meet me in my office (the IHOP on Wilshire Blvd.)

Last week, I met with Matt and Alice Weinberger, a successful and friendly married couple living in Encino, California.   Matt runs a popular blog titled “Married but Horny.”  Alice writes about her yo-yo dieting and her unhappy marriage in her blog “Overweight and Underf*****d.”

After we ordered our pancakes, we started our session.

It was clear from the body language of the couple that Matt and Alice’s lovemaking had gone stale. 

Alice, a sweet-faced schoolteacher at Anaïs Nin Junior High, said:

 “Fucking Matt is as dull as teaching a first period geography class.” 

Matt, an executive with the Mrs. Paul’s Corporation retorted that:

 “Alice is as frigid in bed as a frozen fish stick.”

“At least one of us is always hard,” blasted Alice, attacking Matt in one of his sensitive areas. 

I knew this was going to be a challenge, but I saw that underneath all the hostility in their words was a couple that truly loved each other.   And when I looked into Alice’s eyes and saw her turn beet red, I knew that achieving multiple orgasms was not a problem for this devoted schoolteacher.   All she needed was for Matt to step up to the bat, so to speak.  But how was I going to give Matt the secret key to unleash the passion of his own wife?

I asked them to both to close their eyes and meditate.  Luckily, “Afternoon Delight” by the Starland Vocal Band was on the IHOP sound system, putting everyone into a contemplative mood.  I asked both Matt and Alice to think back to their earlier, more carefree days.  Before they got married.  Back when they were dating.  Back when passion was still in the air.  Back to the summer of 1999.

Matt started telling me about how they first met:

“I had just started working at the Mrs. Paul’s company when they had a big Fourth of July company picnic.  I didn’t know too many people, so I started talking to this pretty girl who was on line with me, waiting for the salmon burgers to be grilled.  She said her name was Alice.  She was studying to be a teacher.  She said she came with a friend as “a goof.”  But I have a feeling that she was really there checking out the guys.”

“Oh, Matt,” said Alice, embarrassed.  “You’re awful!”

“But it was the truth, wasn’t it?”  asked Matt, laughing.  “All of a sudden, my boss made an announcement that they were going to start playing games, so I asked Alice if she wanted to be my partner in the potato sack race.”

“That was so much fun,” said a smiling Alice, reminiscing.  “We did the potato sack race, then we did the egg in spoon race, and then we did the wheelbarrow race.  Remember that, Matt?  Remember how we won the wheelbarrow race!”

“Perfect!” I yelled, standing.  “I’ve found your solution!”

“You have?” asked Matt.

“Absolutely,” I replied, as I opened up my sex manual.  “You just need to get back in touch with those feeling you had when you first met.  The excitement.  The rush to the head.  I have the solution that will solve all your sex problems and make your marriage blossom again!” 

“How?!” they both asked, excitedly.

“Viva La Wheelbarrow!” I shouted, as I showed them the photo.

Yes, indeed.  A week later, I received a letter from Matt and Alice, saying their sex life is better than ever — back the way it was before they got married.

Another happy couple thanks to Neilochka, Amateur Sexologist!

58 Comments

  1. At first I was impressed by the apparent strength of the couple in the NSFW photo until I noticed the background and realized they were in DEEP SPACE, where weight isn’t an issue.

    Another benefit of this location is that you get less complaints from your neighbors, because in space NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM.

  2. The fact that someone actually took the time to carve out the wood (and I did say ~wood~) on that bed is just mind blowing. (and I did say ~blowing~). And FOUR giant penis bedposts. Someone gingerly shaped, sanded and polished those, you know. Not once, but FOUR TIMES.

    Who modeled for that? I need to know.
    ;P
    ~L.

  3. Oh, the penis bed! Who doesn’t have one of those?! It’s becoming even more commonplace than the sleigh bed or the canopy bed.

  4. OMG! Are those – gasp! – PENISES on the bed?

    I thought it was a sacred Native-American sleeping area that I once laid upon while ingesting peyote and the chief of the tribe…

    Oh… wait a minute…

  5. This is SO the last time I eat cereal while reading blogs.

  6. This is SO the last time I read your blog at work (School Web Secuirity had a field day with this one). Who am I kidding, I’ll be back at it by next Thursday.

  7. Dude, how’d you get that letter from my husband? This is very, very embarrassing.

    (Just kidding, everyone. I put out ALL THE TIME. That’s right, I do.)

  8. Sweet fancy Jesus. Those things look like they’re ready for lift-off.

  9. And I really hope the girl in that picture got paid big money because that angle is sooo unflattering.

  10. That bed gives me the willies. Who could sleep? What about the constant fear of being the target of random urination?

    As for the wheelbarrow … while the models may be technically correct they seem singularly unenthused. Or am I being overly critical?

  11. That bed would be a nightmare to sleep in! I’d be hearing tribal drums all night long…

  12. absolutely friggin hysterical!

  13. Thanks for the photo of the bed, Neil. I am remodeling my bedroom this summer, and a new bed happens to be in the plans…

    Oh, and when the wheelbarrow pic appeared when I was reading your entry last night, my first thought was “what about those poor suckers reading this at the office, while their boss is lurking around the bend?” – I would suggest that you insert a warning saying something like “photo not suitable for the office.”

    And that position spells out every word in the English language but “pleasure.”

  14. Thank you, Elisabeth. I’m an idiot. When am I going to learn?!

    Now, if anyone says anything about the first photo, just say it is some ancient bed of the Aztecs and part of your “cultural heritage.” No one wants a lawsuit.

  15. Nice bed! Sort of ehm…scary. As for the wheelbarrow…I do admit I knew what it was but still looks as much work as the actual gardening vessel can be and not much fun. I can already feel the sore arm muscles. “Did you go to the gym dear?” “No, honey…I was humm…gardening all day.”

  16. Gah! I’m at work!

    I think you should start a dating service in addition to your sex therapies.

  17. I knew I was screwed… I can’t sing for shit! Does it count if I can grunt out a rendition of Hot Chocolate’s “Sexy Thing”? Also, can I make up for my lack of singing ability by carving our bedposts to resemble yours? Can I get some closeups?

  18. Pole-dancing would take on new dimensions with that bed involved.

    (Must hit the shower now.)

  19. I am so thankful that I checked this out at home. Oh, and Matt and Alice are fortunate to have found you.

  20. Neil, I don’t even want to know where the picture of the bed *really* came from.

  21. ok so first of all? totally didn’t notice those were penis posts until reading the comments. how sad. second of all, am DYING to see the wheelbarrow picture, but i AM at work, at a brand new job, with a very visible screen. arrgh!! want… to… see… uh, porn? this is definitely the strongest desire to see porn i’ve ever had.

  22. To bad they didn’t meet at a Rodeo.

  23. I have the urge to garden while singing tribal chants…

  24. Why would you post something NSFW?? Now how am I to start my day with special k, cranberry juice and my dose of Citizen of the Month?? That’s not cool man.

  25. HAHAHAHAHA! Except…SHIT! Get that damned Afternoon Delight OUT OF MY HEAD! AAAAAaaaaaggggh!! You bastard.

  26. Where can I find that bed? Fabulously tacky.
    Not to mention a bit understated.

  27. Nice blog! And thanks much for commenting on mine… 🙂

  28. If a girl has weak shoulders or a delicate lower back if she lays off the edge of the bed with the guy on his knees the penetration feels quite similar. Balance tends to be the only tricky part.

  29. Hmmm…notice that the people in those photos are in excellent physical shape. So, you’ll also help your client rid herself of the need for yo-yo dieting.

  30. This made me laugh… and I really really needed to laugh!

    How does one become a sexoligist, anyhow?

  31. I have a friend who went to school to become a sexologist.

    Nifty bed.

  32. That poor woman is doing all the work. Obviously a position not sanctioned by N.O.W.

  33. Irony: If people haven’t done the wheelbarrow – or at very minimum needed the illustration to figure it out- I’m quite sure they should be paying you for the advice.

  34. I know just what you need for your pro- version of CotM. Just make a vlog of yourself staring at the camera with your sex look so bloggers everywhere can benefit from your master skills.

  35. anais nin junior high school?!!! HA! That cracked me up!

  36. I think you have a future as a sex columnist…

  37. note to self – read Neil at home.
    another note to self – must increase weights on upper body machines at gym.

  38. LMAO!!! Obviously Neil, your sexual advice is for couples UNDER the age of 40, correct? As I see a sizeable law suit coming your way when your sexual advice puts one of us OVER 40 in the hospital, in traction. (I applaud the woman who could achieve orgasm in THAT position!)

    3T
    PS. You crack me up!

  39. Is that bed available on E-Bay?

  40. How convenient that you’re an amateur sexologist, Neil. Just what I need! What’s your rate these days?

  41. The excellent singing voice does it EVERY time. Nice work.

  42. Finally! A penis big enough to fit into those “full body condoms”. Wonder how many women have licked in the grooves of it with their tongues? I would. Whaaa?!?!

  43. you don’t find your bed to be a little, ummm, intimidating?

  44. Married men call you Neilochka?

  45. Loved you in “Magnolia.” (You are Frank T.J. Mackey, right?)

  46. I see the beginning of a new phenonemenon soon to be popular with all skinny celebs.

    “Neilates”

  47. you truly have an active imagination neil. hee hee.

    i love that your “office” is the IHOP.

    🙂 sizz

  48. I have a horrible migraine. And yet, you made me laugh, quietly, painfully, and with much love for you.

    By the way, I want that bed.

    And I adore you.

  49. “cute” said Alice as she
    finished off the bottle
    that said “drinkme”
    ….

  50. The Moviequill

    April 21, 2006 at 4:15 am

    only a woman would have that bed because there is no way a man would hack a notch in the bedpost without cringing

  51. I can’t decide what was funnier for me: you giving orgasms by singing “Thriller” or having your sexology office in an IHOP.

  52. Moviequill — very funny, and true!

  53. neil,

    now that the excitement has died down a bit, tell us, where did you get the bed?

  54. Ikea! (roars with laughter) You’re such a fucker. Fess up.

  55. Stumbled across your blog through a link on “Crazy Aunt Purl.” That bed, by chance, would not have been carved by artist John Lawson? He once encrusted a piano with Mardi Gras beads for us but we don’t have the piano anymore as it was in a gallery in New Orleans and … well, you know. I am SO not making this up. Damn, that looks like his work.


  56. My friend and I went to the WEAM museum in S. Beach and there is the original bed! World Erotica Art Museum

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