the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: sexology

I Wish I Was a Sexologist


Actual email I received yesterday from a legitmate television producer:


Are you a certified sexologist? I’m doing a show where I need an expert, and you appear to be perfect.


Huh?  The only explanation was that he read this NSFW post that I wrote almost two years ago, when I was still perfecting the craft of blogging.

My email back to the producer:

P —

I’m not “certified” under California or New York law, or anywhere else to be honest, but I enjoy sex, and give unwanted advice all the time on my blog, so in that way, I’m perfect.  My wife wouldn’t say I’m an “expert” either, although I try my best!


Neil Kramer

Unfortunately, he wrote back and said that he could only use an expert with a certified sexologist degree.  Snob!  Like having a sexology degree means anything.   Then again, if I had known that I could have had a television career being a sexologist, I wouldn’t have wasted all that time on my useless English degree!  And unlike the girls in my Columbia “Chaucer and Medieval Lit” seminar, I bet you the babes in Oral Sex 101 actually do put out!

Ask the Amateur Sexologist (NSFW)

(my bed at home)

Every morning, after a few rounds of morning sex with one of my always-satisfied lovers, I turn on my computer and read my email.  My in-box is always stuffed with questions from men seeking advice about problems they are having in the bedroom.

Here’s a typical email:

Dear Neilochka,

I’ve heard so many stories of how you’re able to give a woman multiple orgasms simply by looking into her eyes.   What is the secret to becoming such a sexual legend?   Please help!

Sexless in Seattle

Many of these emails are from married men.  Although they are still very much in love with their spouses, much of the sexual spark has dwindled as married life (children, work, and taxes)  has taken a negative effect on their stamina and libido.

I’m often finding myself repeating the famous “Neilochka Rules for Pleasuring a Woman Each and Every Time”:

1)  Commitment
2)  Concentration
3)  Caring
4)  Excellent Singing Voice

Of course, it would take years for the typical man to reach the “Super Lover” status of someone like myself.  But let me be honest with you — my advanced techniques and superior hand to eye coordination don’t always work out for my own benefit.  

Recently, I had brought a lady friend back to my apartment with the aim of seducing her.  But one look in her eyes as I sang the chorus from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and she was having several orgasms.   And what about me?  By the time I was undressed, she was blissfully asleep.

Despite the drawbacks, I am proud of my utter confidence in the bedroom.  And I’m always willing to give tips to other men who need help.  Sometimes, when I hear about a couple having severe sexual problems, I request that they both meet me in my office (the IHOP on Wilshire Blvd.)

Last week, I met with Matt and Alice Weinberger, a successful and friendly married couple living in Encino, California.   Matt runs a popular blog titled “Married but Horny.”  Alice writes about her yo-yo dieting and her unhappy marriage in her blog “Overweight and Underf*****d.”

After we ordered our pancakes, we started our session.

It was clear from the body language of the couple that Matt and Alice’s lovemaking had gone stale. 

Alice, a sweet-faced schoolteacher at Anaïs Nin Junior High, said:

 “Fucking Matt is as dull as teaching a first period geography class.” 

Matt, an executive with the Mrs. Paul’s Corporation retorted that:

 “Alice is as frigid in bed as a frozen fish stick.”

“At least one of us is always hard,” blasted Alice, attacking Matt in one of his sensitive areas. 

I knew this was going to be a challenge, but I saw that underneath all the hostility in their words was a couple that truly loved each other.   And when I looked into Alice’s eyes and saw her turn beet red, I knew that achieving multiple orgasms was not a problem for this devoted schoolteacher.   All she needed was for Matt to step up to the bat, so to speak.  But how was I going to give Matt the secret key to unleash the passion of his own wife?

I asked them to both to close their eyes and meditate.  Luckily, “Afternoon Delight” by the Starland Vocal Band was on the IHOP sound system, putting everyone into a contemplative mood.  I asked both Matt and Alice to think back to their earlier, more carefree days.  Before they got married.  Back when they were dating.  Back when passion was still in the air.  Back to the summer of 1999.

Matt started telling me about how they first met:

“I had just started working at the Mrs. Paul’s company when they had a big Fourth of July company picnic.  I didn’t know too many people, so I started talking to this pretty girl who was on line with me, waiting for the salmon burgers to be grilled.  She said her name was Alice.  She was studying to be a teacher.  She said she came with a friend as “a goof.”  But I have a feeling that she was really there checking out the guys.”

“Oh, Matt,” said Alice, embarrassed.  “You’re awful!”

“But it was the truth, wasn’t it?”  asked Matt, laughing.  “All of a sudden, my boss made an announcement that they were going to start playing games, so I asked Alice if she wanted to be my partner in the potato sack race.”

“That was so much fun,” said a smiling Alice, reminiscing.  “We did the potato sack race, then we did the egg in spoon race, and then we did the wheelbarrow race.  Remember that, Matt?  Remember how we won the wheelbarrow race!”

“Perfect!” I yelled, standing.  “I’ve found your solution!”

“You have?” asked Matt.

“Absolutely,” I replied, as I opened up my sex manual.  “You just need to get back in touch with those feeling you had when you first met.  The excitement.  The rush to the head.  I have the solution that will solve all your sex problems and make your marriage blossom again!” 

“How?!” they both asked, excitedly.

“Viva La Wheelbarrow!” I shouted, as I showed them the photo.

Yes, indeed.  A week later, I received a letter from Matt and Alice, saying their sex life is better than ever — back the way it was before they got married.

Another happy couple thanks to Neilochka, Amateur Sexologist!

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